Blazed

by Jason Myers

  “I’m so glad he did.”

  “He’s going to miss you terribly. He loves you so much, and he’s so proud of you. He admires you. Gloats about you. And he’s crushed you’re leaving, but he understands why you’re going back and staying.”

  “I know he’s going to miss me, Leslie. My mother, she’s a train wreck. We all know that. But my father was trying to buy cocaine off of Kristen’s ex just a night after that piece of shit almost destroyed her in a super serious way. That was fucked up, Leslie. My mother would’ve never done something like that. Never.”

  Leslie looks away from me and lowers her head.

  “Don’t try to pretend that things aren’t messed up here, because they are. That was a terrible thing he was doing.”

  “It was, Jaime. And he knows that. He’s promised me and Kristen that he’s going to make changes.”

  “And you trust him when he says that?”

  “Yes, Jaime. I do. I think Kristen does too. Your father has made some awful choices before, and he’s always come through and learned from those mistakes. He’s got a track record of keeping his word.”

  “I hope so, because that was as messed up as it gets.”

  “Kristen punched him later that night.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. And I made him sleep in the other guest room.”

  “Wow.”

  “Nobody’s perfect. There has been a lot of dysfunction in our house over the years, but we stick together. Always. We stay strong, Jaime. What your father did is unforgiveable, but we’re going to move on and Kristen and I trust that he’ll not do anything like that again.”

  “That’s cool,” I say. “I respect that a lot.”

  Pause.

  “What a wild, strange week.”

  “Right,” she says. “Seeing you and your father in handcuffs crying, but not crying about being in handcuffs, was the most maddening, hilarious, odd thing I’ve ever seen.”

  “It was the perfect way to actually have a real conversation. No one was going anywhere. We both had to listen. Like, really listen, and people don’t do that a whole lot anymore.”

  Leslie just stares at me, shaking her head. “You are so mature for your age. It’s really impressive, Jaime.”

  “I’ve had to be. I’ve taken care of everything back home for so long. You learn so much about people and life when you actually have to face it and answer it. When there’s real consequences to almost every action you take or everything you say.”

  “Yes, there is.”

  “I really hope I’m making the right decision.”

  “We all do,” she says. “And we’ll always be here for you. Okay? Always, Jaime.”

  “Thank you,” I say, as my father and Kristen are coming back to the table with presents in their arms.

  “What is this?”

  “You won’t be here for your birthday,” my father says. “So we’re doing your birthday today.”

  Burying my face in my hands because this is too nice, this is too good, I go, “Don’t do this, guys.”

  “Why not?” asks Kristen.

  “I want you to be mean to me or something. I can’t have all of this.”

  “Come on, Jaime,” my father says. “Just enjoy it. This is for us, too.”

  “How so?”

  “This is the first time I get to see my son open presents. I’ve wanted to see this for fourteen years,” my father says.

  Nodding, I say, “Thank you. I’m just not used to this much attention.”

  “Open mine first,” says Kristen.

  She hands me a medium-size box. She looks really excited for me to unwrap it.

  My father and Leslie bust their cameras out as I open the gift.

  It’s records. Five of them:

  1. Crystal Castles by Crystal Castles

  2. A Child But in Life Yet a Doctor in Love by Magic Bullets

  3. Yellow House by Grizzly Bear

  4. Goodbye Bread by Ty Segall

  5. The Jay Reatard/Deerhunter split seven-inch single where Jay Reatard covers the brilliant Deerhunter song “Fluorescent Grey,” which is also the title track of the EP they released in 2007 and I heard for the first time two years ago. And then Deerhunter covers the infamous Jay Reatard song “Oh, It’s Such a Shame,” which I first heard around the same time.

  Looking back up at Kristen, I go, “This is amazing. I don’t have any of these on vinyl, and this one”—I hold up the Deerhunter/Jay Reatard split—“I don’t know where you got it, but I’ve had zero luck finding it.”

  “It’s from my own personal stash,” she says, winking. “I ordered it from Matador Records three, four years ago, and I know how much you love Deerhunter and I know it’s rare.”

  “I can’t take this,” I go. “It’s yours.”

  “It’s not even up for discussion. You take it and you play the crap out of it. I love Deerhunter and Jay Reatard but you, you really love them. It’s totally something you should own. Case closed.”

  “Thank you,” I say.

  “Take good care of it.”

  “You know I will. This is so cool.”

  “Open the rest,” she goes.

  The second gift is a pair of these ill white Van’s slip-ons with black trim, from Leslie.

  The third present is a brand-new Crush Pro Orange amp. It’s from my father. I look over at him and go, “This is the only amp I’ve ever dreamed about having. How did you know?”

  “I might’ve talked to your buddy Eddie last night. He might’ve said something about you saying how badly you’ve always wanted one.”

  “Man,” I say. “I’d say I’m speechless, but that would be annoying cos you’re not speechless if you say that out loud, and I’ve always hated it when people say that.”

  All of them laugh and I go, “I’m so grateful for what I’ve had here this week. It’s amazing.”

  “And this is the last gift,” my father goes, handing me an envelope.

  I open it and there are five one-hundred-dollar bills in it. Under the last bill, this makes me kinda lose it. But in the best way ever.

  Under that last bill are five tickets to a Rolling Stones concert in Chicago in August.

  “No fucking way,” I rip. “No way. The Stones? Really?”

  “Yes,” my father goes.

  “Five tickets?”

  And Kristen says, “The fifth ticket is for Dominique. I texted her this morning to see if things between you two were smoothed out and if she still wanted to go.”

  “Still . . . ?” I say.

  “I had Kristen ask her on Wednesday,” my father goes.

  “You guys are amazing.”

  “So are you, son. We all hope this is the start of a real relationship with us now.”

  “I’m just so blown away by how great everything has been. I love it here.”

  “Good, Jaime,” my father says. “That’s really good to hear.”

  I’m about to start crying, so I excuse myself from the table to use the restroom.

  While I splash cold water on my face, everything becomes so clear to me. So obvious. This is my fucking life.

  My Life.

  And I’m staying here.

  I am.

  I’m staying here, and I refuse to feel bad or guilty about it. Not anymore. No more guilt about being happy without my mother around.

  My mother, she’s an adult. She should be able to take care of herself. And she’s clean now. And she’s had a wake-up call, and she’s the one who tried to kill herself and ended up forcing me onto my father anyway. Forcing me to be in San Francisco.

  She did this.

  Not me.

  Her.

  And my heart knows that it belongs here. In San Francisco. Rushing back to the table after I dry my face off, I go, “I’ve got something to tell you all.”

  “What’s up?” my father asks.

  I look at Kristen.

  I look at Leslie.

  Then I look at my father.
r />   “What is it?” Kristen asks.

  “I’m gonna stay here. I want to live with you guys and be in San Francisco.”

  All three of them look fucking shocked.

  “Are you for real?” Kristen says.

  “I am. I’m staying with you guys. I’m happier here. I’m way better at life here. This is what’s best for me. So let’s go back to the house so I can call my mother and figure this out before the show.”

  “Yes!” Kristen goes.

  And my father, his face bunches up and tears start rolling down it.

  “You really mean it,” he says.

  “Yes.”

  He starts crying.

  “Are you okay?” I ask him.

  “I’m just so happy,” he goes.

  And Leslie, she reaches over and grabs his hands, tears forming in her eyes too.

  “It’s the best news,” Kristen says. “Dominique is gonna be so happy too. She’s gonna lose her shit.”

  “You think?”

  “Come on, dude. Duh,” says Kristen.

  And then my father looks up at me and goes, “I know I really screwed up last night. God, it was terrible what I did. But we finally talked like men, Jaime. And this is the happiest day of my life.”

  97.

  “THE BEST PART ABOUT SEEING you tomorrow, about going back home and getting you back, is how amazing it’s going to feel. It won’t be artificial. I’m going to feel all of it, Jaime.”

  I’m standing in my bedroom, shaking. Wishing I had the blue, but I don’t because just like her, I need to feel this. I need to feel life again.

  “I’m so happy you’re doing well, Mom. I’m excited to see you, too.”

  “A fresh start,” she says. “A new life. Tomorrow is really going to be the first and best day of my life. I love you.”

  “I love you, too. I really do. I mean that. I love you so much.”

  “What’s wrong?” she asks.

  “What?”

  “What’s wrong, Jaime?”

  “Nothing. What do you mean?”

  “You just told me three times in a row how much you mean that you love me. What’s going on?”

  I don’t say anything.

  “Jaime,” she says. “Come on, my boy. Tell me. Go ahead.”

  “It’s just I’ve been doing some thinking.”

  “Okay?”

  “Ya know, a lot of things have happened. Good things for both of us.”

  “Jaime,” my mother starts. Her voice is shaky, though. “I’ve taken care of you for fourteen years for better or for worse. Please, just tell me what’s going on.”

  “Okay,” I say. “I’ve decided I wanna stay in San Francisco. I wanna move here and live with Dad.”

  Silence on the other end of the phone.

  It’s killing me, too.

  This conversation.

  “Mom,” I go.

  She clears her throat. “Yes.”

  “That’s what I’ve decided.”

  “Okay. I understand that. Can I just say something?”

  “Of course.”

  “I deserve this.”

  “Hey—,” I start.

  But she cuts me off.

  She says, “No heys or buts, please. I’m crushed right now, but I deserve this.”

  “No,” I say. “It’s not about you.”

  “Oh yes it is!” she snaps. “It’s all about me.”

  “It’s not, though,” I snap back. “For once, it’s about me. My happiness. I’m not staying out here because of Dad.”

  “What’d he tell you?”

  “It’s not about that,” I press. “It’s not about you or him. It’s about me and having friends for the first time and being in a band and having a really cool girl who likes me a lot.”

  “You can have all that here. I’ve never stopped you from doing any of that.”

  “It’s different here, though.”

  “So it’s my fault that the kids in Joliet aren’t as cool and nice as the kids in San Francisco? I don’t get it, Jaime. If this isn’t about me, then what is it about?”

  “Me!”

  “So you’re choosing your father over me?”

  “No.”

  “It sounds that way.”

  “Mom,” I go.

  “Just don’t,” she says. “Stop trying to explain yourself. I get it. I fucked up. I’m sorry. I put you in this position, and for the first time in your life, you’ve had a choice and you haven’t chosen me. I always chose you, though. Don’t forget that. I always chose you, Jaime.”

  “It’s not like that.”

  “Oh yes it is,” she says. “Please spare me your justifications. It’s exactly what it is. So you’re going to live with your father. Maybe I’ll be able to visit sometime.”

  “Hey.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you, too, Jaime. And I wish I’d gotten the chance to show you me clean, me sober.”

  “I’ll see that tomorrow when me and Dad fly out there to pack my things.”

  “Will you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Nothing,” she says. “Just nothing. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Mom.”

  “Tomorrow, sweetheart. I love you.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Good-bye.”

  98.

  MY FATHER DROPS ME OFF at eddie’s crib right at six. Everything’s been finalized. We fly out tomorrow morning into Chicago. Take a car to Joliet. Rent a U-Haul. Drive it to my house and pack my stuff, and then me and my father will drive across country, back to San Francisco, together.

  The drive will take us three days.

  “Bummed about the Stones,” I said in the car.

  “We’ll go see them in Oakland instead.”

  “I made the right decision.”

  “Okay. I trust that you did,” he said. “Have a great show.”

  “Thank you.”

  Eddie and Brandon are in the driveway, loading gear.

  “Damn, boy,” says Brandon. “Looking sharp.”

  “Kristen put it together,” I say. “Eddie’s new girlfriend.”

  “I hope so,” says Eddie. “Now get the fuck over here and help us load.”

  What I’m wearing is this: a white V-neck tee under this orange long-sleeve Hawaiian shirt, which is under this blue jean jacket that has a black Growlers patch sewn onto it. I’m also wearing tight black jeans and a pair of sick black leather cowboy boots with spurs on them.

  It takes about twenty minutes to load our gear into the back of Eddie’s truck.

  When we’re finished, we sit in his garage and the two of them share a blunt.

  “Well,” says Eddie. “Next time you visit, we’ll have to play another show and puke up another EP.”

  “Yeah. That’ll be rad,” I say.

  “When do you think you’ll come back?” Brandon asks.

  “Pretty soon, actually,” I say.

  “Cool,” says Eddie. “Like some end-of-the-summer bullshit?”

  Taking a hit, I go, “More like some next week bullshit.”

  “What?” they both ask.

  “I’m moving here,” I say. “Me and my father are going to pack a U-Haul tomorrow with all of my stuff and drive back to SF.”

  “Dude,” says Eddie. “Congratulations. Welcome home.”

  “Best news ever,” Brandon says. “You’re gonna love living in the best city in the world.”

  “I think so too.”

  “This calls for a shot,” says Eddie.

  “Nah,” I go. “I’m good.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah,” I say. “But thanks.”

  “Well, fuck you then,” he snorts, grinning. “The two good thirds of Skullburns deserve a shot.”

  I laugh and watch the two of them take not one, not two, but three shots.

  “Skullburns,” says Eddie.

  “Skullburns forevah,” I say back.

 
99.

  AT LEAST EIGHTY PEOPLE ARE in this alley-slash-parking lot when we are finally ready to play. It’s gray out and windy and perfect. Kristen’s there in the front row. So is James Morgan and so is Michael and so is Omar Getty.

  Love these Whip Pad, Lamborghini Dreams dudes.

  Into the microphone, Eddie says, “Thanks for sticking around, homies. We’re Skullburns, and we thought this was going to be our first and last show but fuck that, it’s just the first. To new beginnings. This first song is called ‘I Saw Her First.’ ”

  Brandon counts off and we go. I’m nervous for about three seconds and then it’s like nothing. It’s just like being back in Brandon’s garage practicing.

  It’s really cool, and most of the kids seem to be really into it.

  On this song, I’m doing backup vocals and keyboards too during the intro and the bridge.

  Just having James Morgan there is like a fucking dream come true. And then this dream, it gets even better, just like that.

  Toward the end of the song, I notice Dominique sneak into the crowd.

  My fucking heart races.

  She has no idea about the news either.

  She’s wearing these black tights, this really big white Purity Ring T-shirt, and this tight black leather jacket. She’s also got an acoustic guitar on her back.

  She winks at me and I wink back.

  Her being here, it makes all the difference in the world.

  Her being here, it means I made the right call earlier. If there was any doubt, Dominique’s appearance just erased it like that.

  The rest of the set goes awesome.

  The third song we do, we cover Sonic Youth’s “Making the Nature Scene,” which I do lead vocals on. When we play it, everyone loses their minds. It’s pretty epic to see. I love this city and I love my band and I love my girl at the back of the crowd looking pretty and singing along to one of my favorite songs of all time.

  100.

  DOMINIQUE STILL HAS NO IDEA that i’m staying. Me and her, we’re walking down the street holding hands after the band finishes loading the gear back into Eddie’s truck.

  “This is so crazy that I’m here,” she says.

  “Why?”

  “Cos what’s the point? I’m just gonna be sad for a week and cry.”

  I smile. “Really? You’d cry over me for a week?”