Wish List (How To Be The Best Damn Faery Godmother In The World (Or Die Trying) Book 2)

by Helen Harper

  ‘You’re one of his customers, ain’t you?’ Rose sneered. ‘He told me he didn’t deal drugs any more but once a fecker always a fecker.’

  ‘No, Rose,’ I said. ‘I really am your faery godmother. You might not remember but we’ve met twice already. I came to your cottage. So did some armed men who were looking to put a bullet through your brain. We travelled here together to avoid them.’ I continued in the same breath, hoping that a quiet bluff would help me find out what was going on. ‘You’ve told me all about them and why they’re after you.’

  ‘Oh yeah?’ she smiled sardonically. ‘The only reason you’d know about them is if you’re one of them yourself.’

  Without warning, she sprang towards me. For some reason I thought she was going to attack my left-hand side. I spun right to avoid her and ended up with her at my back and her hands wrapped round my throat, squeezing tightly. It happened so quickly that I was left blinking in confusion. Not to mention pain.

  ‘Rose,’ I croaked, ‘this isn’t helpful.’

  Hearing the scuffle, Vincent popped his head round the door, his eyes widening when he registered the situation. ‘Er…’

  ‘You sold me out, you wanker!’ Rose shrieked. ‘That didn’t take long, did it? I cleaned your bloody loo and then you sold me out!’

  He scratched his head. ‘You’re the faery,’ he said to me. ‘You need to deal with this.’ He backed out, the prospect of a fight between two women apparently too much for him, even if one of those women was an old-age pensioner who was on the verge of throttling me.

  ‘The human body is a complex thing,’ Rose snarled in my ear, ‘but it has its weak points. If I squeeze right here, the flow of blood to your brain will cease and you’ll fall unconscious. If I keep it up for more than a few minutes, you’ll end up brain damaged.’

  I wasn’t human but I still had the same physical frailties that Rose was talking about. What would render a human unconscious would do exactly the same to a faery. A stray thought wandered into my mind: had a client ever killed their own faery godmother? Or would I be the unlucky first?

  Dropping my hands I reached for my wand, which was currently nestled in one of my pockets. My fingers curled round its wooden tip and I managed to jiggle it just as my vision started to blur. Rose let out a sharp cry and released me.

  I stumbled forward, narrowly avoiding Pumpkin, and turned round to face her. ‘Rose,’ I gasped, ‘I am not your enemy. I’m here to help you.’

  She rubbed the side of her head, slightly stunned. ‘What did you do to me?’

  I grimaced. ‘I might ask you the same question.’

  ‘I used the natural laws of biology. You did something completely fecking unnatural.’ She gazed at me with wary suspicion. ‘You ain’t right.’ She took a step forward, wavering on her feet.

  I reached for her, suddenly worried. The burst of magic I’d sent in her direction had been uncontrolled and borne out of panic. I bit my lip. Now I was wondering whether any faery godmothers had ever killed their clients.

  I helped her into the nearest chair. Pumpkin launched himself onto her lap and licked her with frantic desperation. Rose was looking paler by the second. The dog whined and licked her some more. I took a deep breath and reached for her hands as her eyes rolled back into her head and her body went limp. Fuck a puck.

  Faery first aid was all well and good, but I couldn’t simply wave my wand again and make Rose feel better. I had to know exactly what was wrong with her so that I sent my magic to the right place and for the right reasons. Technically, I shouldn’t have used my power to help her like that but, as I’d sent her into this state, I reckoned I could get away with it.

  Her breath was coming in short gasps and I could see her pulse fluttering in her neck. I blotted out the sounds of Pumpkin and the clatter of dishes from Vincent’s kitchen and twirled my wand anti-clockwise. Almost immediately the magic did its job and my ears were filled with the irregular sound of Rose’s heartbeat. It was far too fast.

  Swallowing hard, and aware that my palms were slick with sweat making it hard to grip the wand so tightly, I told myself to calm down. I couldn’t release another burst of uncontrolled magic. If I did, it might kill her outright.

  Apparently I wasn’t the only one who sensed this. Pumpkin stopped licking and turned his head towards me, baring his teeth and growling. There was more menace reflected in his dark eyes than I’d seen before. He was blaming me for Rose’s plight. Unfortunately, he might well be right. I had no more time to waste.

  Flicking the edge of my wand, I sent a mild jolt of magic towards Rose’s chest. I closed my eyes and concentrated, listening hard. What I’d effectively done was use magic in the same way that a doctor might use beta blockers. My way was far faster, however, and Rose’s heart began to slow, returning to a more regular – and more normal – rate.

  Pumpkin sensed the change straight away. He abandoned his attack stance and focused back on Rose, his body seeming to relax as she started to come round.

  Her eyelids fluttered and she stirred. ‘Wh … what happened?’

  ‘You blacked out,’ I said.

  Rose raised her hand to her heart. ‘My pills,’ she whispered to herself.

  I stiffened. ‘What pills?’

  There was a beat of silence before she answered. She moved her hand up to her forehead. ‘Paracetamol,’ she told me. ‘I’ve got a headache.’

  At that moment Vincent bustled in holding two mugs. He glanced at us both, relaxing when he saw that we were no longer literally at each other’s throats.

  ‘Tea?’ he asked brightly.

  I nodded just as my phone rang. I took it out and glanced at the screen. It was the office. Of course it bloody was.

  I held it to my ear. ‘This isn’t a good time.’

  ‘Saffron, you’re late. You need to haul ass and get here.’

  Adeline. I gritted my teeth. ‘I’m with a client. I can’t leave her.’

  ‘You need to be here for morning briefing. Whatever’s going on with your client can wait.’

  I didn’t think a heart attack could wait. I looked at Rose. Colour was returning to her cheeks and her breathing had normalised. She was no longer in any immediate danger but that didn’t mean I could waltz out of here.

  ‘Instead of tea,’ I said to Vincent, ‘I think we should go with Rose to casualty and get her checked out.’

  ‘Feck off,’ Rose spat. ‘I ain’t going to no hospital.’

  ‘Just for a check-up.’ I tried to smile reassuringly. ‘It won’t take long.’

  She pushed herself up before moving Pumpkin to one side and clambering unsteadily to her feet to glare at me face to face. ‘No doctors. Whoever the feck you are, you can’t make me go to a doctor. I’m fine.’ She whirled round on her toes. ‘See?’

  Adeline’s voice was continuing to echo tinnily from the phone. ‘You have to be here, Saffron. It’s non-negotiable. The Devil’s Advocate has already registered your absence. How long will it take you to get here?’

  ‘Whoever that woman is,’ Rose said to Vincent, her voice quavering only slightly, ‘get her the feck out of here.’

  Vincent swallowed and looked at me. ‘Maybe you should leave,’ he said. ‘You can come back and try again later. I’ll keep an eye on her. Don’t worry. She’s annoying as hell but I’m not in the business of letting little old ladies die on me. Not in my own house, anyway. If I think she needs to go to casualty, I’ll make sure she goes.’ He paused before adding gruffly, ‘She’s not that terrifying really. Secretly I like her a little bit.’

  There was an honest earnestness in the ex-drug dealer’s eyes that I didn’t think I’d seen before. I noted the faint stain of embarrassment on his cheeks and smiled slightly. I reckoned he was telling the truth and he liked Rose rather a lot. ‘It’s not even been a day,’ I said, ‘and she already seems to trust you.’

  ‘We’re on the same wavelength,’ he grinned.

  ‘I am still here you know!’ Rose snapped. ‘
You don’t have to talk about me like I’m dead!’ She glared. ‘Go on, missy. Get the feck out of here!’

  Even without Adeline’s order, leaving seemed the best option. ‘Let me know if you take her to the hospital,’ I said to Vincent. ‘Otherwise don’t go anywhere. I’ll be back in a couple of hours at the latest.’

  Rose was getting more agitated, a state which wouldn’t do anything for her heart. ‘Get the feck out! And don’t you bloody dare come back!’

  I turned towards the door. I knew when I was onto a losing streak. I shot Vincent a meaningful look and he nodded. Then I beat a hasty retreat.

  Chapter Twelve

  I sprinted all the way back to the Office of Faery Godmothers, arriving less than twenty minutes later with sweat dripping down my face. I burst through the glass doors, causing Mrs Jardine in her usual spot behind the receptionist’s desk to look up sharply. ‘You’re late, Saffron.’

  ‘I was with a client,’ I said, out of breath and panting.

  She pursed her lips. ‘You’re supposed to check in with us first. What are you doing out with a client this early in the morning?’

  I didn’t get a chance to answer her. At that very moment, the lift dinged open and Jasper strode out, his hands in his pockets. His head swung sharply towards me then his green eyes seemed to soften. ‘You weren’t at the morning briefing,’ he said quietly.

  ‘Good morning to you too,’ I muttered as a sweat droplet found its way down my forehead and into my eye, making it sting. I blinked furiously.

  Jasper was by my side in a second. ‘Are you alright?’ he asked. ‘You don’t look very well.’

  ‘I’m fine.’ I rubbed at my eye and squinted up at him. ‘And technically I’m not late at all. I’ve been with a client.’

  His brow furrowed. ‘But you’ve not been in to use the Metafora room today and you don’t currently have any clients who live nearby.’

  For a moment I forgot that I was a hot, sweaty, gasping mess and stared at him in surprise. Did he know all that because he didn’t trust me? Or because he’d been concerned about where I was? ‘You’ve been checking up on me?’

  ‘I’m the Devil’s Advocate,’ he said stiffly. ‘I’m conducting a vital audit into everything that happens in this office. Of course I’ve been checking up on you. It’s my job.’

  ‘I’m not the only faery godmother who works here,’ I pointed out. ‘Have you memorised everyone’s clients?’ The tone of my voice was somewhat sharper than I’d intended; instead of cheekily playful, I sounded irritable and snarky. My shoulders dropped. ‘Sorry,’ I muttered. ‘I didn’t mean that to come across the way it did. I’m having a stressful morning.’

  Jasper’s expression didn’t change. ‘I can see that.’ He reached into his pocket and drew out a pristine white handkerchief. ‘Here,’ he said. ‘You look like you could do with this.’

  I took it from him, starting slightly at the faint pressure from his fingers as he passed it over, and wiped my brow. ‘Thanks.’ I offered it back to him but he shook his head.

  ‘Keep it.’

  We both stood for a moment, neither of us speaking. Eventually I bit my lip, briefly noting the way that Jasper’s gaze dropped to my mouth. ‘I should go,’ I said.

  ‘Sure.’ He didn’t move, still effectively barring my path. ‘You didn’t drop by my office last night to talk through your ideas for the trolls. How is the task force set-up going?’

  ‘Good.’ I nodded. ‘Good. Fabulous.’ Jasper raised an eyebrow. I shrugged. ‘Well, we’ve made a start anyway.’

  ‘Mmm. And have you considered what the end goal is? Did the Director give you any guidance?’ His eyes bored into me.

  Aware of Mrs Jardine watching us with interest, not to mention Harry’s reaction to my plans when I’d told him last night, I chose my words carefully. ‘Just that our aim is to locate the trolls and find out what they’re up to.’

  ‘Indeed.’ He watched me for another moment. ‘Come and find me later and we can discuss it. I’ll be in my office for the most of the day.’

  Confine myself in a small room with Jasper and explain to him why I thought we should cut the trolls some slack? I could hardly wait. ‘I’ll do that,’ I said. ‘If I find the time.’

  Something sparked in Jasper’s expression. ‘I can order in more curry, if you like. We can talk about the best plan of action. And if you do find any trolls, make sure you don’t approach them yourself. I’ll make the initial overtures.’

  He still didn’t trust me to manage the trolls on my own. Good to know, I thought sourly. ‘As the Devil’s Advocate commands,’ I said aloud.

  His eyes narrowed slightly. ‘Saffron…’

  ‘Thank you for the curry last night. It was delicious. You don’t need to order any more for me, though. I can get something from the canteen before it closes.’ I managed a smile. Go me. ‘And thank you for the handkerchief too.’ I nodded briskly. ‘I’d better get upstairs before Adeline freaks out completely.’

  Jasper stepped to the side. ‘Have a good day,’ he murmured.

  I looked down. ‘You too.’

  I sighed as he walked away. What the hell was wrong with me? Talking to the Director didn’t make me feel this uncomfortable. And I’d felt the sting of romantic rejection before and coped admirably, so it couldn’t be that. I reminded myself that Jasper was the Devil’s Advocate and was only doing his job while I was still a newbie faery godmother making shit up as I went along. I shook my head. The sooner this audit was over the better.

  ***

  Deciding that the only way to pre-empt a dressing down from Adeline was to confront her, I made a beeline for her little office as soon as I stepped out of the lift. She was arm-deep in a pile of reports, huffing away to herself as she ticked off various items, but she beckoned me in regardless.

  ‘I understand that you’re unhappy that I wasn’t at the briefing,’ I said, ‘but I was with a client. There was something of an … emergency.’

  ‘How could you be with a client?’ Adeline asked. ‘You didn’t use the Metafora room and none of your clients live in Colchester. The nearest one you have at the moment is in Manchester.’ I stared at her and she shrugged, although there was a sharp look in her eyes. ‘I would add that it was the Devil’s Advocate who pointed that out to me. He’s keeping close tabs on you, Saffron. I hope that’s not because you’ve been giving him any cause for concern.’

  At first I was surprisingly relieved that any gossip about my relationship with Jasper – or lack of one – hadn’t reached her ears. Then I felt a ripple of irritation. Neither did I want to look bad. I would still be here long after Jasper had gone, and I had a reputation to develop if I was going to continue down my path to success.

  ‘It’s because I’m taking on the troll task force as well,’ I said hastily. ‘He’s aware that I have a lot on my plate and obviously wants to stay appraised of what I’m up to. We can’t forget the trolls.’

  ‘Indeed we cannot.’ She tapped her fingernails on her desk. ‘We cannot be late, either. I expect to see you at every morning briefing from now on. Consider yourself chastened.’

  I bowed my head. ‘It won’t happen again.’

  For one hopeful moment, I thought she was going to let me leave and get back to work. Instead she indicated the chair in front of her. Reluctantly, I sat myself down.

  ‘Tell me what the problem is with this client and why they are suddenly in Colchester.’

  I drew in a breath. Thank goodness: I could do with some advice. ‘She’s an old woman. I think she might be sick. There are some assassins after her so I’ve taken her from her home and put her with Vincent, the human drug dealer who knows that faery godmothers exist. He’s looking after her. I’m trying to get her to tell me what she wants to wish for, but it’s easier said than done. Yesterday she reckoned that she was my prisoner. The day before, she nearly shot my head off with a gun. Today I think she came close to a heart attack. I need some help because—’

 
‘Saffron,’ Adeline said faintly, ‘please be quiet.’

  ‘Huh?’

  She stared at me, her face pale. ‘An old woman who is your client tried to shoot you. She has assassins. You made her your prisoner. She had a heart attack.’

  ‘Almost had a heart attack. I think she’s alright now.’

  Adeline shook her head in dismay. ‘Do not tell me any more.’

  ‘But…’

  ‘Plausible deniability, Saffron.’ She waved her hands in the air. ‘If the Devil’s Advocate comes to talk to me again about your clients, the last thing I want is to tell him what you just told me. I will pretend I never heard any of that. Remember that we’re in the business of helping humans. Not killing them. Or imprisoning them.’

  ‘I’m helping her!’ I protested. ‘Or at least I’m trying to. It’s easier said than done because she doesn’t give much away.’

  Adeline’s gaze hardened. ‘Do not say another word. I don’t want to know. Sort out this client as quickly as possible and we will say no more on the matter. And if the Devil’s Advocate enquires, make something up. We can’t have him thinking that we’re hooligans.’ She looked at me. ‘Even if you are.’

  ‘You want me to lie to him?’

  ‘I want you to avoid telling him that you’ve abducted a little old lady and given her a heart attack. And as for the fact that you’ve contacted that human drug dealer again, the one who knows that we exist because of your actions…’ Her voice trailed off. ‘No. Don’t speak to me about this again. Don’t speak to anyone about it again. And don’t mention this client or anything about her to me again.’ She tutted. ‘No one else gets themselves into these sort of situations. Or,’ she added, ‘if they do, they’re too sensible to tell me about it.’ She looked at me. ‘Go on, Saffron. Shoo.’

  ‘I…’

  ‘Shoo!’