by Sabrina Kade
“Ellis!”
I blink a second time. No Yayk. Just Hujun. Celeste and Glykoran, too. They’re all staring down like I’ve lost my mind. Maybe I have. I stare up at Hujun, trying to get lost in the murky warmth of his dark golden eyes. He looks worried. Worried about me.
Hujun’s worried about me.
I feel my shoulders slack and rest my hands over his.
“Bad memories,” I say shakily. “Sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about.” He rubs heavy hands up and down the length of my arms, and my knees buckle slightly. He thinks I’m scared, and I don’t tell him otherwise. “You often lose control when you are tired. It would be best if you rested.” He straightens and turns toward Celeste and Glykoran. They don’t know what the hell is going on. I don’t want them to know. I don’t want Celeste to look at Glykoran the way I look at Hujun sometimes after I’ve woken from a nightmare. I don’t want to see Glykoran look as hurt as Hujun does when he first tries to touch me.
It’s like the world has shattered at his feet, and he needs to start picking up the pieces.
“I am going to escort her back to the Gathering Room.” Hujun offers no further explanation. I love that.
“Brother.”
Hujun stops and slowly turns back toward Glykoran. I can’t see his facial expression.
“Perhaps it would be best if you followed your own advice, yes?”
Hujun stiffens. “I have my obligations to give me strength.”
My heart hiccups. I know he means well, but that statement makes me start trembling all over again.
I don’t want to be an obligation.
I want to be Hujun’s mate.
***
The next few days aren’t any easier.
And though I know it’s January back home, the weather on Hethdiss seems to be as rainy and muggy as ever. Glykoran’s words stick like the sweat on the back of my neck. How much rest has Hujun had since Yayk tried to attack me? My mind reels. The past few weeks have been such a blur. I remember how I’ve felt more than I remember actual sights or sounds.
I remember fear. Soreness. Exhaustion. Pain. Loneliness. Fear.
Through all of that, Hujun’s always by my side. He rubs my back and helps me fall asleep. He caresses me with kind words when I wake up.
I’m starting to feel better, but is he starting to feel worse?
“I’m supposed to tell you he had to go talk to Prince Korben about a personal matter.”
I’m in the Gathering Room.
I don’t have the slightest idea what she’s talking about. Or who the hell is talking for that matter. I lift my eyes. Oh. Kansas. One of the four State Girls in Arizona’s little family. That situation needs a book of its own.
“You’re looking for him, aren’t you?” she asks carefully. “He dropped you off here last night, but he stayed out in front of the room. He said to tell you he went to see Prince Korben about a personal matter.”
I’m not surprised. Hujun’s always running to speak to Prince Korben about his supposed personal matters. I’m sure he’s telling him I’m going nuts or getting on his nerves. I’m sure he’s saying he’s tired of looking after me. I’m sure he’s looking to get another woman by his side.
“He’s not with Prince Korben,” another voice chimes into our conversation. Layla takes a seat on the floor next to me. “I was just down in his room checking on Blythe. He wasn’t there.”
My eyes widen, and I sit up. “What do you mean?”
“He wasn’t there,” Layla says again, her dark eyes narrowing. “But I do know where he is.”
I shouldn’t be so interested. I shouldn’t spy on him, but I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t like being lied to. If he said he was with Prince Korben, I kind of assumed that’s where he’d be. If it’s because—
“Relax, sweetie,” Layla says. “His room is close to Prince Korben’s, and he left the blanket partially opened. He’s sleeping.”
“Sleeping?”
She nods. “Yeah. Like a fucking bear, I’ll say. Damn. I seriously don’t understand how you’re not terrified of him. His fucking feet hang over his bed. I get how that would happen in a human bed, but they’re shaped for Sidyths! He’s huge even for these already huge aliens!”
“He’s sleeping?” I’m not even sure why these are the only words that leave my mouth, but I can’t stop them. Of course, he’s sleeping. Glykoran warned him about getting more rest. And Hujun knows I’ll panic less if I think he’s just talking to Korben. I clutch my chest to keep my breathing steady, but a terrible wave of anxiety washes over me.
He’s exhausted. He feels he can’t tell me. He doesn’t want me to worry.
I’m a nuisance. I’m a nuisance. Not good enough—
“Deep breaths.” Kansas rubs a few circles onto my back. “You’re going to give yourself a panic attack.”
I’m shaking as a few others turn toward us. All the attention feels odd. Like they know I’m causing Hujun troubles. Like something is wrong with me. My heart starts to pound more violently as the wave gets stronger. Colder. “Panic attack?” I manage to gasp.
Kansas nods. “Yes. I know all too well what they look like. No panic attack is the same, of course, but you’re losing your breath. Try to focus on it, so it comes back. Focus on here. Focus on now. Focus on the present. Not the past. Not the future. Not on things that can’t be changed. Focus here. Focus now.”
Her words are calming enough that eventually the waves slow down. They warm up. My hands stop shaking, and I don’t feel like everyone is staring at me like I should be put in an insane asylum. After a few tense moments, I’m finally able to settle down. I remove my hand from my chest and lick my lips.
Kansas is a bitch to some of the girls, but never to me.
Now she’s saved me from falling off another mental cliff.
She continues rubbing gentle circles on my back as Layla stares with wide eyes. Sloane, Alaska, and Phoebe are here now but silent. Watching. Waiting.
“You know he’s coming back,” Kansas says in a soft, soothing voice. “He just needed a little rest. He knows I got your back.”
“We all do,” Phoebe chirps.
“Yeah,” Layla says awkwardly, shooting a look at Sloane.
“Just try not to lose your mind,” Alaska says, and though her voice hints at sarcasm, she frowns when Kansas snaps around to look at her. “Okay, whatever. I’m sorry. Seriously though, it’s not him, is it?”
“Him? Him who?”
“Hujun,” Alaska says. “He’s not being an asshole, again, is he?”
And then my patience snaps, and I rise to my feet.
My face is hot, and though I know I must seem crazy by acting up and down, in an instant, I go from being panicked to full-on pissed off.
“No, it’s not Hujun. You guys don’t understand anything about him.” I snarl, and storm toward the bathroom and use the bowl of water there to splash my face a few times.
Hujun. They always think it’s Hujun.
Hujun’s messing with me. Hujun’s ugly. Hujun’s an asshole.
Why do you hang out with him, Ellis?
The girls never gave a shit like this to Blythe. Maybe that’s because they didn’t care, but it doesn’t matter now. And York’s mate? Azan, with that fucking mask over his mouth? She didn’t get as much shit as I’m getting now. And some of the others are fucking for fun, and everyone thinks it’s okay. Don’t they know how quickly things could turn? How easily Sidyths could return to their natural instincts? They don’t know if all these Sidyths are genuinely kind, but at least I damn well know in my heart, spirit, and soul that Hujun is good. He would never hurt me.
Angrily, I splash more water on my face. Whether it’s fear or anger, both emotions make me tremble.
I have to get control of myself.
What did Kansas say earlier?
Focus on here. Focus on the now.
Allowing the water to drip from my face, I continue changing t
hose words in my head and through my lips.
And somehow… it’s working.
My pulse slows down. My hands tingle, but they’re not shaking violently. Desperately I wish I could see my reflection, but there’s only a dark wall. If that’s my reflection now, I guess it makes sense. Because that’s how I feel.
Like a muddy wall.
“Hey girl, you okay?”
I spin around. Kansas. Again. I don’t get why she’s nice to me, but I’m grateful. Things were going okay until everyone else started spouting their two cents worth of ignorance. I smile at her over my shoulder. But she intelligently keeps her distance. She knows I’m jumpy lately. She might not even know why, but that’s enough to keep her words and actions soft. I lower myself over the basin and splash some more water over my face. I don’t know why I’m delaying.
“You know, you don’t have to be pissed at him for wanting to get some sleep.”
My ears grow hot. “I’m not.”
“You sure about that?”
I nod, but I’m not sure if I believe myself. It’s not a crime for Hujun to get some sleep. It’s not. But the fact that he didn’t feel comfortable telling me is upsetting. He lied to me. And if he’s lying about something as simple as needing sleep, what else is he lying about?
Maybe he really is sick of me.
Does he wish Yayk finished his awful task?
“Right here. Right now. Right here. Right now.” Kansas repeats the chant several times, careful to keep her distance, but letting her presence wash over me. She’s always kind to me. Always sweet. I don’t know why.
“Why are you—” I start to ask, but she interrupts.
“Do you want to see him?”
I stop, blinking several times as my breathing slows back to normal. I can see her freckled face. “See him?”
“He’s in his room. He’s asleep. I know you feel comfortable around him.”
“Well, of course I do. He’s nice to me.”
“Most of these guys are nice,” Kansas says breezily, and right then I realize she doesn’t have the slightest clue what’s happened to me. Otherwise, she wouldn’t say something so casually. “But whatever you and Hujun have going, I know it’s important to both of you.” She shrugs. “When you’re about to have a panic attack, I know he’s able to pull you off the cliff.”
I turn around. “A cliff? That’s exactly how it feels.” I pinch my eyes shut. “Like I’m standing on the edge and staring down into the abyss. There’s always something pulling at me. Begging me just to let go and fall into the chasm.”
“It’s a panic attack.” She shakes her head. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you for you to understand. But whatever. The point is, Hujun’s an anchor for you. And I get it. In our line of work, an anchor is something rare. I have three anchors.” She smiles. “I know a lot of people don’t understand my relationship with Arizona, Dakota, and Alaska, but they’re all I have. Even when things are going decently with aliens, at the end of the day, I know it’s going to be the four of us again. But if you think there’s even a chance you could have something like that with an alien, then I say, who the fuck cares what others think?”
I smile politely. I don’t understand Kansas. She’s a complete bitch to pretty much everyone here, and even earlier she snapped (in her own way) at Alaska to lay off me.
“But what does any of that have to do with me watching him sleep?”
“Don’t know. Maybe it’s… you feel like he’s seen you at your weakest. He’s seen you vulnerable. Maybe it would help even out the playing field if you could see him when he’s vulnerable?” Another shrug. “I like seeing aliens at weak points. It reminds me they’re not invincible. They have to sleep like us – well, most of them anyway. Even aliens can hurt. They can bleed. They can cry. They can die.”
“That’s not morbid at all,” I mutter, and Kansas breaks out into laughter.
“Heartwarming speeches were never my thing. Just ask Arizona.” She takes a step forward and dips her pale hands into the basin, splashing some water up to her elbows. “I swear to God; this place has turned me into a dirty mess. I can’t even tell the difference between my freckles and mud anymore.” She frowns, looking at the muddy space above the basin, probably wishing for a mirror just like me.
“So, do you want to see your man vulnerable?” Her smile brightens as she moves toward the doorway back to the main part of the Gathering Room.
My man.
“I don’t think anyone’s called Hujun that before.” I can’t help laughing as I start to follow Kansas into the main space.
“Fuck anyone else.” Kansas arches an eyebrow at Alaska as we pass.
“Where are you going?” she calls.
“Drink,” Kansas barks, not even looking at the alien standing in the doorway.
I recognize him immediately because of his grumpy expression, and I can already tell I’m not liking whose attention he’s trying to get.
Phoebe’s already chirping at Iriel’s side by the time I round the corner.
“I don’t think I like him,” I mutter, not even thinking about the fact that I’m not alone.
“Join the club,” Kansas says, shaking her head. “But it’s not really up to us. She’s lonely. She’s learning about what it truly means to be a Human Whore. I hope Iriel doesn’t take advantage of her innocence.”
I stop suddenly, eyes wide. “Has he tried anything? Touched her in any way?”
“No. I just meant with what happened—”
“Because they’re not supposed to,” I gasp. “They’re supposed to ask for consent.”
“Girl, don’t worry,” Kansas says. “He hasn’t touched her. All these guys are terrified about taking advantage of us. I don’t know what hold Korben has over them now since he’s no longer a prince, but they listen to him. Not to mention they’re all terrified of Azan and Hujun.” She grabs my shoulders, shaking me gently, bringing me back to the present. “Relax. He’s just talking to her. He’s not doing anything she’s not asking for, okay? She’s safe.”
“Safe.” The word washes over me. Safe. Safe in Hujun’s arms. Safe in his grasp. Safe. I feel myself start to relax again, but I can’t stop the prickle at the back of my neck that says Iriel shouldn’t be trusted. I remember how he acted when Korben claimed Blythe. He wanted to fight for her. He didn’t want to wait to be Chosen. He wanted her, and that was the end of it. Who’s to say he won’t try that same shit with Phoebe? She barely understands her role as a Human Whore.
And Iriel, as grumpy as he can be, he’s charming. And attractive.
And Phoebe is so confident. Trusting. Even after a Toda hit her on the way to Hethdiss because she spoke out of turn, she’s managed to get back to her usual self.
All it would take is Iriel grabbing her ass, pinning her to a tree, grabbing her tongue and…
“He better not do anything to her.” I hope to all hell and high water that my voice isn’t trembling. I’m tired of being afraid.
“You know Iriel is terrified of Korben, not to mention Azan. I don’t think you have anything to worry about, Ellis. Besides, if Phoebe wants his attention, it’s not our place to butt in.”
I frown in agreement. “Right.”
“I can tell it bothers you.” Kansas smiles nervously as she turns around to face me in the dark hallway. A few Sidyths are walking around, but most are wise enough to leave us alone. It dawns on me suddenly that I have no idea if there’s a Sidyth who’s caught Kansas’ eye.
“What about you, huh?” My voice sounds tentative, but just because Kansas is helpful doesn’t mean she wants me all up in her business. And I certainly don’t want to be nosy like Layla or Blythe.
“What about me?”
“You… uh… you have anyone you’re interested in?”
Her freckled cheeks flush. Oh, God. There is someone. I quickly backpedal, waving my hands around. “You don’t have to tell me or anything. I was just curious. I have to hear about how happy Bly
the and York are all the time—”
“Arrogant bitches.” Kansas doesn’t say anything else about it at first but returns to walking down the hall.
I can tell we’re getting closer to Blythe’s room, so I guess we’re getting closer to Hujun’s. I’m saddened to realize that I’ve never been to Hujun’s private lair – or if I have – I didn’t even know it. I’m starting to crawl back into myself when Kansas starts to talk again.
“Dash.”
I look over my shoulder, and then turn back to Kansas. “Excuse me?”
She smirks slightly at my strange reaction. “You asked if I have a Sidyth I’m interested in. I’m telling you it’s Dash.”
I’m trying to put a face to the name but drawing a blank. Kansas chuckles.
“He’s left that great an impression on you, huh?” She starts to smile, but it quickly darkens. She looks incredibly embarrassed, but as soon as I notice the look, it’s gone again. “Don’t worry. You’re not missing much. Hujun’s room is right around the corner there.”
I feel awful that I don’t know much about Dash. The name sounds familiar enough, but all the Sidyth names are hard to remember. The only ones I know are Exer because of his interest in Sloane, Korben, because he came after Blythe right away, and Azan, because he wears a mask over his mouth. Other than that, most of the names and faces blend.
Except for Hujun, of course.
I stare down the hall at the room that Kansas has pointed out, and I swear I hear Blythe whining a little further down. Maybe something about her room’s too hot. Or too cold. Who knows with Blythe lately? But as always, Korben’s talking to her in a hushed calm, and quickly their voices fade.
I try to imagine being pregnant with an alien’s baby. How would you even know if it’s okay—
Faint snoring.
A careful smile hits my features, and I swear Kansas giggles behind me.
“He snores,” she says as though voicing my thoughts. “He’s huge, so it’s not a surprise. The few times I’ve seen him in there, he’s sprawled out like a pale, scaled walrus.”