by Sabrina Kade
Well, maybe not completely wasted.
For the first time, something sexual was happening between us. When he slowly pulled his thick, muscular thighs apart while sitting on the bed. His cock was growing hard. And yet, he invited me to stand closer to him. He asked me to touch him. And if I had the smallest amount of vag, I would have leaned in, kissed the alien and made it so he could never deny me.
If he wanted. I guess the idea of consent applies to me as well.
I cross my arms and lean against the wall to the opening of the Gathering Room, trying to collect my thoughts. I felt it. He must have felt it. Why can’t he admit he’s attracted to me? It’s like he’s ashamed or something. Is it because I’m human? A Human Whore? Is it because I flirted with another Sidyth in front of him? I don’t even want to think about that possibility. But at least then it might be something I could fix. If he could understand why I flirted with Yayk. If Hujun could only know how badly I want him. He doesn’t have to be ashamed about wanting me. And yes! Prince Korben told him to watch after me because I’m short, but he could still keep his promise if he Chose me! I can’t imagine Prince Korben would have a problem with it. If Korben wanted me to be with another one of his brothers, I bet he wouldn’t have assigned Hujun to watch over me.
My mind reels. I wonder how much Prince Korben knows about Hujun, or even better, I wonder how much Blythe knows about what Korben knows about Hujun. Lately, Blythe’s convinced everyone hates her, and what better way to make her feel involved than have her get some dirt on the Sidyth who makes my heart race and my thighs damp?
I uncross my arms, finally realizing what I need to do. There’s no reason to return to the Gathering Room and deal with all the what if-s and why nots. I’ll talk to Blythe.
I have no idea what time it is when I reach Blythe and Korben’s shared lair, but it sounds like someone is snoring softly beyond the fabric, and it’s not exactly a masculine sound. I suppose Blythe is still miserable even after getting through the dreaded first trimester. The last few months have been agony not only for her but for the rest of us that have had to endure any amount of time with her. York must have the patience of a saint because I can barely stand the whining or the crying. My mom had two miscarriages after me, and I have faint memories about those times. Sometimes I want to slap Blythe across the face and tell her just to be happy that somehow, she’s healthy despite carrying an alien’s baby with only an alien doctor to watch after her.
But of course, I remain silent and gently pat the fabric a few times to alert the person beyond the curtain that I’m coming in.
I can only hope Korben’s not in there. I’m not ready to face him yet.
“Hello?” Blythe’s voice sounds tired as I move inside.
She’s alone. Thank God.
“Oh… hey, Ellis.”
Briefly, I consider leaving. But this is rare – finding her without Korben, or the other girls hovering around.
“Hey.” I wave awkwardly.
“You need something? Gessroot tea? I’ve got plenty.” She smiles dryly, and I can tell that maybe this isn’t such a bad day for her. Good.
“No, I’m okay. I uh… I wanted to talk to you about something.”
Her expression shifts. Oh, hell no. I’m not in the mood for getting the same shit about Hujun that I do from everyone else.
“If you say one word even hinting at something negative about Hujun, I’ll march right out.”
Her eyes widen. “I wasn’t…” and then she stops herself short. “Fair enough. What did you want to talk about?”
My ears grow hot. I haven’t told anyone exactly what happened with Yayk a few days before the Hethdiss Christmas celebration, but now I worry I’ll never be able to get Blythe to understand how I feel about Hujun without telling her. She’s been a Human Whore as long as I have. She knows what it’s like to have someone take advantage. She knows what it’s like to say no and laughter is the only response. And though Blythe drives me crazy sometimes, she’s close to Korben. And Korben’s close to Hujun.
I almost feel terrible about taking advantage of Blythe’s loneliness and insecurities.
Almost.
“I should start at the beginning.” I take in a big sigh as Blythe offers a spot at the end of her bed. I don’t want to sit, but I do anyway, feeling her eyes on me as I do so. She knows I’m about to tell her something big, and she doesn’t want to shatter the moment with probing. That’s fine by me. She also thinks I’m going to tell her something awful about Hujun. Maybe I want him to back off. Maybe she thinks I’m going to ask her to talk to Korben.
“Ellis, if you’re not ready to talk about it—”
“I was almost raped.” I shake my head, knowing this isn’t exactly galaxy shattering news anymore, and that alone makes me upset. “I mean, one of the other Sidyths almost raped me.”
The room grows icy despite the numerous amounts of sun rayers, and Blythe finally moves, shifting to sit higher up against the wall. Her dark eyes search mine, but I don’t meet them for long enough to give her an opening. I want her to speak first.
“Is that… is that why you’ve been acting off lately?”
I lift my head. It’s not quite the answer I’m expecting, and my shoulders relax. But only slightly.
“It’s just,” Blythe continues softly, “up until a few days before the Christmas thing, you’re always loud and laughing. But lately, you only want to spend time with Hujun. You’ve almost been…”
“Clingy?”
“I was going to say spending too much time with him. I know some of the others thought I knew what happened, but I honestly don’t.” She shakes her head. “Considering you’re closer to him, I guess he wasn’t involved—”
“No, Blythe.” I roll my eyes. “I’m not a fucking masochist. I don’t get turned on by someone trying to rape me.”
“Right.” She shifts again, as though embarrassed.
“Sorry.” I feel funny having this conversation with her, but I keep pushing forward. “Look, I haven’t told anyone else about what happened and—”
“You haven’t told anyone?” She blinks. “I’m the first?”
“Don’t look surprised. Hujun knows. Plus, you’re the prince’s mate.” I sound like a bitch. I know that, but I don’t fudging care.
I’m tired of everyone thinking that Hujun is cruel just because he doesn’t look like Jensen Ackles. Hujun isn’t the most humanoid looking Sidyth, the most elegant, or even the most charming. But he’s certainly not the scariest one here. That one that follows Phoebe around? Iriel? He has a shifty look in his eye. The one Kansas mentioned? Dash? Hujun doesn’t seem to like him very much. And the one who’s trying to win Layla over? Dolan? He’s pushy and arrogant… other than the Christmas fiasco. Through all of that, most of the girls keep their mouths shut. But when it comes to Hujun, it’s like they suddenly can’t shut the hell up.
Hujun has a good heart hidden under a rough face.
Blythe’s voice breaks through the clouds of annoyance. “What happened?”
“I thought I told you.”
“No, I mean. If Hujun wasn’t involved than what…” She lets the rest of her sentence hang in the air, waiting for me to fill it. And as much as I want to tell her to butt out and mind her business, she wasn’t the one who approached me. I came to her. I entered her room. I dropped the ‘r’ bomb. And she’s already figured out that at the end of this tale, I’m going to ask something of her – or, more specifically, of Korben.
“His name is Yayk and—”
“Yayk?” She sounds shocked. “Yayk was the one who delivered the holiday goodies. Unless it was a different Yayk—”
“It was the same Yayk. He wanted a taste of the local cuisine as thanks,” I say bitterly. I lift my head, expecting Blythe to ask me to go on, but she’s waiting and sitting patiently. For once, she keeps her mouth shut and allows me to tell my part of the story without interruption or room for misinterpretation. “I was angry at Hujun that day. H
e was saying Christmas was a big waste of time and energy. But for some reason, he signed up to meet the delivery person. He wanted it to be a surprise.”
I close my eyes, remembering how happy I felt before everything came crashing down. How Hujun wrapped his arm around my shoulder.
“When Yayk appeared, he and Hujun said this weird greeting to each other.”
“I know the one you’re talking about,” Blythe says.
“Good. I don’t want to repeat it. After weeks of having Hujun treating me like nothing more than an assignment, I was excited to see Yayk. He looked at me. Sexually. He wanted pleasure. I could see that. And because I was attracted to him, I flirted with him in hopes of making Hujun jealous. He keeps saying he can’t Choose me, and I wanted him more than anything to stop me from flirting with Yayk. I don’t know what I was thinking. Yayk isn’t an exiled Sidyth. He’s from the homeworld, and if I had been smarter, I would have noticed that greeting, and realized flirting with him wasn’t a good idea.”
“How would you have known that?”
I shrug. “I just feel as though I asked for this.”
“Ellis, no—”
“It’s okay,” I interrupt. “I know it’s not like that, but it still feels that way. Anyway, I’m flirting with Yayk, and he’s making me feel alive, you know? He’s smiling and laughing and flirting back. He even offered to stay the night. Hujun was huffy, but he didn’t say anything, so I grew even angrier. Ugh…” I bury my face in my hands, talking in a muffled voice as I go on. “Hujun grabbed the bag… and he… he started to walk back to the lair.”
My vision blurs, even through my hands.
I’m not just talking about the instant anymore. I’m living in it. Each moment and memory are more painful than the last.
“He… Yayk… grabbed me when Hujun was a few yards ahead of us. He grabbed my ass at first, and I know this sounds wussy, but it hurt, and it dawned on me how much these guys must be restraining themselves. Hujun’s never even come close to hurting me, and in one terrible moment, I felt weak and powerless.” I remove my hands from my face, not surprised that my hands are wet. “He pinned me up against a tree… and… he…” I close my eyes again, barely able to keep going.
Blythe sits up, waddles to the end of the bed, sits next to me, and wraps her arm around my shaking shoulders. She’s warm. She smells faintly of old socks, but I think it’s just the tea. And strangely enough? Her touch feels nice. Welcomed.
“You don’t have to say anymore if you don’t want to, babe,” she says in a low voice. “But I have to ask; he wasn’t able to do anything before Hujun showed up, right?”
I nod shakily. I remember Hujun’s voice. How angry he sounded. Almost disgusted. His voice thundered through the trees, and for the first time, I feared the man I wanted. “He got there in time, but I’m still pretty shaken up by the whole thing.”
“Of course, you would be!”
I shake my head, angry with myself. “I’ve been raped before. I’ve been pleasured without wanting to be. I’ve given pleasure when I just wanted to sleep or eat or be left alone. This wasn’t anything new. In fact, I’m pretty sure Yayk taking advantage of me wouldn’t have been so bad compared to a Draken, Octonod or Toda. But it was the fact that someone was there. Someone could have stopped it.”
“He did stop it,” Blythe says in a gentle reminder, pulling me up against her fully. “He wouldn’t have stopped Yayk if he didn’t care.”
“Are you sure about that?”
Blythe stiffens and frowns. “What do you mean?”
“He’s only watching after me as a favor to your boyfriend, Blythe.”
She’s quiet for a moment, and just the absence of her reassurances is enough to let me know what I’ve dreaded for months.
“Is he… is really…” Harsh reality shatters through me. Through my heart. Through my body. All the way down to my soul.
“No!” Blythe gasps. “Sorry, I was shocked you thought that.”
“It’s true, isn’t it?”
“No!”
“You’re saying Hujun isn’t watching me as a favor to Korben?” I lift my head and red flashes across her tanned cheeks.
Sometimes I’m a little jealous of Blythe. She looks like a photoshopped, streamlined version of me. On paper, all the features would be the same, but Blythe and I don’t look alike. Where my eyes are big and round, her eyes are almond shaped. Where my nose is like a button, Blythe’s is sleek and elegant. Where my hair is wild, curly, and continuously needing to be tamed, Blythe’s always looks like something out of a Pantene commercial. And where my cheeks are full like a chipmunk’s, Blythe’s are refined with high cheekbones and deep dimples.
Ugh. Now isn’t the time to be jealous of Blythe’s beauty. The girl is fucking miserable being pregnant.
“He’s watching you as a favor to Korben, but I can assure you they both have honorable intentions.”
“Yes, Blythe, I remember the conversation. It’s because I’m short and young looking.”
“And you are.”
“I’m the same age as you, Blythe.”
“I know, but—”
“I’m short. You don’t need to remind me.”
“You need to stop chanting all the things you don’t like about yourself,” Blythe says. Her voice is shaking like it always does when she’s confronting someone, and this makes me angrier.
“What the hell are you talking about? I don’t do that.”
“Yes, you do. You fixate on things you can’t change. You’re short. You look young. These aren’t things you need to punish yourself over constantly. And neither is Hujun’s reasoning for watching over you. The point is he’s doing it.”
“Because he’s forced to—”
“He’s doing it as a favor to Korben, yes. He was supposed to keep you safe. And he is. He wasn’t supposed to be your friend. And he wasn’t supposed to be by your side all the time. All the girls are safe in the Gathering Room, and he still comes to see you. And though he doesn’t have to, he’s spending more time with you because of what happened. Can’t you see? You’re not just some fucking obligation to him. You aren’t now, and by the way he looks at you, I don’t think you ever were.”
I sniff hard.
“I remember when we first met. He took me for a walk around the Gathering Room,” I say softly. “It seemed so fucking cheesy.”
“I remember how he switched places with you. He made it so other Sidyths couldn’t bump into you. Korben didn’t tell him to do that, Ellis. And I’m sure Hujun didn’t stop one of his brothers from raping you because of Korben. I bet Korben was the last thing on his mind when he thought you were in danger. Don’t you?”
I frown, mulling this over. I hate that Blythe may have a point.
Shoving off one of his brothers who wanted pleasure probably didn’t look right to those from his homeworld.
I sniff. “He didn’t have to come back for me. He could have pretended everything was fine. He could have walked back to the lair, and I could have stumbled back… or not.”
“Don’t think about that kind of thing,” Blythe says. “You’re safe now. He kept you safe. I don’t think he’s only watching after you to this extent because of Korben. Korben’s a great guy, but he’s not that great.” She snickers. “Well, he is to me, but I’m getting pleasured by him on the regular and something tells me Hujun isn’t.”
I can’t help but snicker.
“Anyway, so what if he started watching after you as a favor to Korben? Do you think he’d stop if Korben told him to? After everything that’s happened, do you think he’d walk away now?” She removes her arm from my shoulder and leans closer, so our eyes can meet. “Do you believe Hujun is so detached that he’d just turn away and never talk to you again simply because he’s not bound to some promise to watch over you?”
I can’t picture Hujun leaving me. Not now. Not anymore.
“I just want him to Choose me,” I admit at last. The words are bitter and dry
on my tongue, but they also feel warm. I’ve wanted to say this for a long time. And not sarcastically. Not while whining. Not while horny and not while bitching. “He’s kind and beautiful. I don’t understand why he doesn’t see me as anything more than someone to look after.”
“You want me to have Korben talk to Hujun?”
The opening. At last! And though the entire reason why I came to talk to her in the first place is presented, I’m not sure if I like the idea of going in this roundabout manner.
The old Ellis would never ask another girl to talk to her man and ask said man to talk to the man I’m interested in to see if he likes me.
“No. I can talk to Hujun myself. I just wanted to vent, I guess.”
“And are you still worried?”
“Yeah.” Despite talking to Blythe, it’s not like I have any more answers. Hujun may still be looking after me only as a favor to Korben.
But maybe I’m more okay with that now.
There’re worse things than having someone watch over me.
And my Grandma made me watch The Bodyguard more than enough times to know these feelings aren’t the most incomprehensible thing in the world. But the only way I’m honestly going to move forward is to accept the fact that Hujun watches over me in the first place as a favor to Korben, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about me.
If I want Hujun, I have to come to grips with why he started watching over me.
I have to stop reminding myself that what happened with Yayk was my fault. Because it wasn’t. It was Yayk’s. Never once did I ask him to pleasure me without my consent.
I have to remember that just because Hujun’s watching over me, doesn’t mean we can’t be something more.
I try to remember that I’m already with Hujun. And just because he hasn’t chosen me today, doesn’t mean he never will.
I can be patient.
“Thank you, Blythe,” I say in a low voice, meaning every word. “Please don’t…”