Walls of Ash

by Amber Newberry

  She continued, "Well, I ne’er seen so much blood outside deliverin' of a babe! That's me callin’, Miss. The good Lard seen fit to have me bring little angels to this world."

  "Did you say Leo?” I asked. “Do you mean Leonard Hilbourne?"

  "That’s right, wee lady. Me boys, Leo an' Jules, I nursed them from wee angels. Young Leo were out in the party searchin’ fer yeh with Jules an’ brung yeh to me, then him went off to fetch the doctor. Middle of the night, but Leo insisted he come to Aven Cottage straight away.” Aven was just on the outskirts of town but it must have been closer to where Leo found me than Rhineholt was.

  “He already been and gone! Doctor Haskins, that is. He wrapped ye'r leg up good an' left me a bottle of black stuff to have ye drink with tea. That Doctor, he be doing his rounds in town, but he'll be by to check ye’r wound, this afternoon. Master Leo went an' rode on up to Rhineholt to tell Lard Rhineholt that he left yeh at Aven Cottage! I bet me life they'm worried sick over their little one! Yer safe with ole Creeda, though.” She patted my hand and then threw her arms up as if the world around her had gone mad.

  “Now see what I brung yeh before it cools! Some nice eggs me hens laid this very morn. Yeh look as pale as the aven flower bloomin’ out back, an' I daresay yer dyin' teh eat somethin’,'" she said and I nodded. She put the tray across my lap, and then swooped out of the room.

  I wondered why Leo did not respond when I asked him who he was. He was so changed from the plump little boy who had taunted me as a child at his brother’s side. He still had the same, fair colored hair, but I did not get a good look at his face. I wondered if he couldn't hear me, or if I'd even managed to speak the words at all. Maybe I dreamed up the whole interaction.

  Then I thought about the vision of my mother again and felt that intense sorrow, like I lost something I could never get back. I looked at the palm that she kissed in my dream. Pressing the hand to my cheek, I closed my eyes.

  The door burst open, and my Aunt Emmaline darted in with Uncle Charles in tow. She embraced me and kissed me, and then Uncle Charles kissed my forehead. I thought, "Well, if that's what it takes to get some affection, I'd rather not." Then I thought of Perseus and the state he was in when I fainted.

  "Perseus?" I asked, sitting up, and my Aunt sat at the edge of the bed and drew her eyes down. The tears began welling up, and my Aunt pulled a delicately embroidered handkerchief from her sleeve to wipe my eyes. It was Uncle Charles who explained.

  "There was nothing to be done. He was in such pain." There was that moment when I was weaving in and out of consciousness and hear a loud, thunder-like noise. It was Leo putting my dear companion to rest.

  Creeda came into the room, then and said, "My goodness! What're yeh cryin' fer? Ye’r wounds will heal. Poor little cherub! I will make ye’r tea with the remedy the Doc left fer yeh and that'll do the trick!" She rushed back out of the room before anyone could tell her I was simply mourning my horse.

  When Doctor Haskins came, he was glad to see that I was awake. He said the blood loss would make me weak and asked me not to put any weight on my leg for several days. Aunt Emmaline decided she and I would stay with Creeda because, as she insisted, I was a “wee angel an’ no trouble at all.” My Aunt and I needed some fresh clothing, so she went back to Rhineholt with Uncle Charles. The Hilbournes would then return her to me on their way back home. They planned to stay in the nearby village overnight; it was too late in the day to make it back to Hilbourne Abbey.

  By the time Aunt Emmaline was back, it was late afternoon, and I had already napped twice and eaten again, so I was wide awake when Celia came in to see me. Her eyes were red, and I could see that she'd been crying.

  "I was so worried for you, Tamsin, darling! The way you screamed..." Celia held me against her. She clasped my hand so tight it hurt, but I did not have the heart to tell her.

  She continued, "Tamsin dear, I always wanted a daughter and though we have not spent much time together, I want you to know that I believe your mother would've wanted us to be close. I would never have forgiven myself if you'd been lost."

  I told her about how I dreamt of my mother when I fainted and she listened intently. When I mentioned that she kissed the palm of my hand she stopped me.

  "You remember that? You were so small. She would sing to you all the time and insisted that when you were fussy, if she kissed your palm it calmed you immediately." My Aunt peeked in from the door.

  "There is someone who would like to see you if you feel up to it, Tamsin." I nodded guessing that it was Julian, but when she stepped back, the long-haired man in the uniform walked into the room, and I sat up. Celia stood and stepped away so that Leo could take my hand. He did not kiss it the way his brother had, he simply held it gently, as though it were so fragile it might break in his grasp. His eyes were much lighter than I remembered, like the color of amber.

  "I don't know how to thank you for..." I began, and he looked soberly at me before he shook his head and spoke softly. His eyes were constantly on my face, never leaving my eyes and lips.

  "You don't have to." He sounded different from how I remembered him, as though he picked up another accent somehow, and I wondered if it was something to do with the little time he spent at war. I knew that his only battle was Waterloo, though he was present when Napoleon was removed to Helene. This was, of course, according to the dinner conversation two nights before. That dinner seemed like a world away after the recent events.

  Leo stared at me silently for a moment, and I was in awe of him. He rescued me, probably saved my life and would not even allow me to thank him. After giving my hand a soft squeeze, he let it go and nodded to Celia and Aunt Emmaline before exiting the room. My Aunt stepped out with Celia to see them off, and I saw in a nearby mirror that I was as red as my hair. Just then Julian stepped into the room, and I immediately wondered why he was not at my rescue when Perseus darted into the woods. I gave him a stare that would have chilled a hot iron after a day’s work. He saw my anger and spoke defensively.

  "Don't look at me that way! I followed you and lost myself in the woods looking for you for God knows how long! If that horse was properly trained, this would not have happened. Anyway, what were you doing on a horse of that size? You should still be riding ponies!" This made me even more furious.

  "How dare you blame that poor animal? He was merely spooked! If you had any sense, you would've grabbed the reins before he darted! You didn't even--"

  "Me? You were already holding them! If it was not for me, nobody would have known you were lost. I had the good sense to ride into town and form a search party when I could not find you. Were it not for that, Leo would not have even been looking for you!" I began to cry at the thought of Perseus, who did not manage to come out of this incident alive. He stopped short.

  "I'm sorry, please don't cry, I meant no harm." He sat next to me.

  "I really was worried about you, that's the only reason I'm so upset." I nodded, not fully believing in his earnestness.

  He continued, “I am sorry about the horse, too. He was..." I stared at him as if to say, choose your words wisely, and he continued, "...a beautiful horse." We were silent for a moment and Creeda peeked in and looked from me to Julian, oddly.

  "Goodness me, I must be loosin' me head, I swear I just heard shoutin' from down the hall," she rattled, and she was gone from the doorway as quickly as she'd appeared.

  After a moment’s pause, Julian and I laughed uncontrollably. We both took a deep breath.

  "That old bat. She's a sweet thing, but she sure has a strange way about her." Julian certainly was right about that. Then he looked at me, smiling.

  "What do you say we call it a draw? If we are going to be spending so much time together while I accompany you to Germany, we should try to learn to be civil." I nodded my agreement. Then he patted my head and left, before I had the chance to tell him how mad that gesture made me.

  * * *

  The time at Aven Cottage passed quietly and comfo
rtably. Within a couple of days, my wound healed enough for me to begin taking short constitutionals to sit in the garden with the assistance of Creeda’s walking stick. Aunt Emmaline had many people to visit around the small village, so I was often alone except for Creeda. She would sometimes sit in my room during meals or in the garden with me and talk of "Jule’s" and "Leo's" antics as children. She made good company. Creeda had a way of telling a story so that it felt as though it was happening at that very moment.

  "That Jules were always a handful! He may have been the older boy, but he were the most trouble. Leo, on the other hand, such a dear boy, I called him me lion heart because he were such a angel.” I found it hard to imagine either of them well behaved.

  ”That one always listened..." she trailed off.

  "Such a tragedy, it were, when Lady Hilbourne got her word that Leo were hurt fightin' o'er there in France against that short fellow. It's not the kind of thing ye expect, that he'd lost his hearin.' Me Lard it tears me up just thinkin' of it.” She was not in tears though she held a handkerchief to her eyes.

  “Though, I s'pose some'd say our Leo were one of the lucky ones. An' he came back a hero, too, decorated with all sorts of medals and such. An’ he done well with that affliction, ye’d hardly know since him learned himself to read lips. I ne’er seen such a thing."

  Lost his hearing. That explained why he did not answer me when I questioned who he was. He could not hear me asking. I also understood now, why he sounded so different when we spoke, and I respected him all the more for his learning to talk without the aid of his ears. I wonder that my Aunt and Uncle had not told me of this, and I guessed that it was because they had taken pain not to discuss the war in great detail around me. The Napoleonic Wars went on for most of my life.

  It was on my last day at Aven Cottage that I was sitting on a swing in the garden and felt a hand cover my eyes. I knew that I must guess the owner of the hand, and I was certain that it must be Julian.

  "In only one guess? I must learn to disguise myself better. What gave me away?" he asked.

  "I am acquainted with no one more childish." He gave me a half-smile that said he did not like being referred to as an acquaintance.

  "We were just readying to leave for Hilbourne, and I thought I might come to see you while the final preparations are made. How is your wound?" I stood up to show him that I was able to walk on it, though not for long, and he caught my arm when I stumbled back toward my seat.

  "Doctor Haskins says it will be a month, at least, before I can stand on it without pain. He says there may always be a little pain, but we do hope for the best," I said. He nodded and we sat silently for a bit, enjoying the peace of the gentle wind and singing birds.

  I told him that Creeda was regaling me with all sorts of horrible stories that I planned to use against him one day. This got a laugh from him and he said that he would not be blackmailed by just anyone. We talked for a while with only a little banter, and he began to tell me about India again. It sounded like a fascinating place, and I longed to see it someday. He promised he would make sure that I did, as long as I vowed not to ride any horses there, and I jokingly told him that I would ride only elephants. I once saw a drawing of a king sitting on one, and I hoped that I would see one myself someday.

  Julian told me the land his family owned in India was called Punam Estate, meaning Full Moon Estate. I spoke the house name after he said it, and he laughed at my pronunciation. He went on to say that many British people stayed to build their own plantations, though the East India Company was well known for what was once a monopoly. He also told me of the scent of the fresh tea when you first arrived in the Tamil Nadu region, which he said was in the South.

  “That makes the months en route worth the trouble alone. Once you taste tea that has not been imported and left on a boat for four to six months, you will never want to leave.”

  “All for the sake of flavor?” I asked, teasingly. He shrugged, and I found it difficult to believe this was his only reason for wanting to return to India so quickly. How strange it must have felt to live so much time in another country only to come back to your life in England. It all seemed like so much trouble for the trading of tea.

  Creeda came into the garden and saw us sitting together and she scolded "Jules" for not coming into the cottage to announce his presence so that she might bring us tea. He said that he only planned to stay for a moment, but she insisted that he come inside to see her latest embroidery before he left. He obediently followed her, but I stayed in the garden. I do not think they realized that there was a window open and that I could hear their conversation from where I sat.

  "Now Jules, ye'd best leave that dear girl be, she ain't old enough to be one of yer conquests!" Creeda's voice was unmistakable. I heard Julian respond in an amiable tone.

  "You know that my charm is too great to overcome!" I rolled my eyes. He was ever the rake, even with old Creeda.

  She responded, "Well, yeh know what I mean, that one’s not meant to be toyed with, so leave ‘er be till she's old enough to wed. An' that don't mean ye go leadin' that sweet thing on. She's a wee angel an’ deserves better than how ye treat one of them servin’ girls."

  I remembered seeing Julian being so familiar with Franny in the hallway at Rhineholt. The thought made me cringe.

  Julian left without saying goodbye to me. I saw a glimpse of him when he left, but since he did not exit through the garden, I wasn’t close enough to call a farewell to him. How strange that he should leave in such a rush and say nothing to me, not that I was shocked at his lack of manners.

  Doctor Haskins visited that evening and said that I could return home the following morning, if I promised to be careful with my still-healing wound.

  Chapter 4

  The summer air was warm and hazy, making it feel like I was dreaming all day long. It was not so hot that I could not spend a morning walking in the gardens behind Rhineholt, but by afternoon the sun was ruthless. I would retreat inside and often napped until tea time. My wound was mostly healed and I could walk easily, apart from a slight limp, which the doctor assured me would disappear over time. I could only hope that it would be gone by the time I travelled to Germany.

  Uncle Charles went away to work in London, where he conducted most of his business related to Rhineholt House and the sprawling property. I was not sure what would eventually happen to Rhineholt, as there was no male heir. I knew that I was doomed to be married and that would almost assuredly mean that I would move to some other great house. My ancestral home would then need someone to run it when my Uncle got too old. This made me think of Leo and Julian, and I wondered which of them would be left in charge of Hilbourne and which of them would be left to run Punam Estate.

  August had come and gone. Celia came to stay a few days with us before we all left the country to stay at the London house to prepare me to be sent off to school. I was no longer a little girl, and I would need a proper wardrobe for a young woman. I insisted that my Aunt allow me to give my old clothes Fleur.

  “You know how I feel about you interacting with that girl--”

  “I do know, but an interaction that takes only five minutes is not bound to do damage, I’m sure.”

  “I only mean that you should be wary of getting too close, and I don’t think it would be appropriate for Fleur to wear those clothes. What will she do in them?”

  “What all little girls do in them! Be little girls! She may do as she wishes, wear them in the stables if she wants!”

  * * *

  It was an exceedingly warm, early September day and we were preparing to leave for London the following morning. As I began to separate what would be acceptable to wear for a sixteen-year-old, refined young lady, I saw how little I had to pack. I stared at the overflowing pile of little girl's dresses on the bed. Ruffles and bows peeked out here and there with hues of pink, lavender and pale blue. Fleur walked into the room behind me, so quietly that when I turned to see her, I started.

&nbs
p; "Oh, Fleur, you scared me!" I said.

  Then she frowned and apologized, "I'm sorry, miss, I meant no harm, please don't be cross. Bernadine said to come to your room and..." Her eyes were large and innocent and her hair was in two long braids on either side of her head, which was covered by a bonnet. She seemed afraid to be in my presence, and who could blame her. I had not seen her since the day in the library.

  "Please, miss, I did not mean to frighten you, I promise it won't happen again. Bernadine said I wasn’t to be gone more than a moment, should I not have come?"

  "Now don't be silly, Fleur! You aren't in any trouble. You just gave me a start, is all,” I said, and her eyes went to the dresses. She pressed herself up against the wall like an angry hound was barking up at her and stared at the dresses as if they were her escape route.

  “I could hardly get into one of those on if I tried!" I said, hoping to lighten the mood. She briefly looked up at me and then down to her feet.

  She blushed and said, “I have never had such beautiful things. My Aunt says that I'll look silly putting on airs."

  "Well, you just tell your Aunt that Miss Tamsin would be disappointed if you didn't put on airs in those dresses." She waited till then to approach her bounty. She scooped the dresses up and rushed toward the door, as though I would change my mind. When I called her name, she stopped and didn’t turn back to me right away. Her arms tightened around the pile of gowns.

  “Fleur... That day in the library...” She had not turned to face me, so I walked to her side and stood in the doorway.

  “I didn’t mean--”

  “I know, Miss...” She still looked down, avoiding my gaze.

  “I’m sorry for what happened to you,” I said. She finally looked up at me and gave me a brief and very sincere smile before immediately looking back down. I moved aside and let her pass with the pile of frills and bows.