Baby Bargain

by Vivien Vale

  They both sound so earnest and sincere.

  “Thank you,” I whisper, a smile dancing on my lips.

  Brad

  I’m watching Scott and Kayla discuss the gossip column and all the trouble it’s causing us. It’s maybe the fifth time they go through it all. I’m starting to get sick of the whole ordeal.

  I want it over. Now. I want to get back to my life, and I want to see where this thing with Kayla could go, without all this added drama.

  Truthfully, I’m feeling bad: bad for Scott, bad for Kayla, and bad for myself. I’m imagining all the crazy things this blogger’s story can say if we don’t stop the madness.

  Whoever it is, and whatever information she (or he) has, I know they won’t stop at the truth. Soon enough, the lies will start, and we’ll be accused of things—truly crazy things. Bat-shit crazy things.

  Then it hits me.

  Before I know it, I’m formulating a plan in my head that can possibly save the day.

  God damn, I’m fucking brilliant.

  “…that’s why Brad’s got his assistant out there trying to find out who is responsible. She’s tracking down sources, reaching out to the bloggers. Brad said she is putting on some serious heat, but I don’t—”

  “I got it,” I say, interrupting Scott. “I fucking got it.”

  “Got what, Brad?” Kayla asks.

  “I have a plan. One that should work. I mean, it works all the time. Why not work for us, right?”

  “What’s the plan?” Scott asks.

  I smile, beaming and nearly laughing. “You’ve all heard of fake news, right?”

  Kayla gives a nod and Scott says, “Of course.”

  “Well, what if we start leaking a ton of fake gossip? Some really crazy shit and some really weird shit. Like crazy, impossible-to-believe, fucked-up shit.”

  Scott’s nodding now. He smiles and adds, “We flood the blogs with all sorts of news. These articles, whatever they keep on saying, will be lost in a sea of other gossip items.”

  “People wouldn’t care. There would be so much fake shit out there that they would not know what is real or fake.”

  “And they would stop caring…” Kayla sees it too now. “Brilliant.”

  “Exactly!” I cheer. “Think about it. When you are on Facebook and click one of those links—the ones that say ‘15 reasons to and 10 reasons not to….blah, blah, blah’—what do you do when you are on the third item and an advertisement pops up and interrupts you?”

  “I ‘x’ out. I hate that!” Kayla says, grumbling.

  “Me too.” Grinning ear to ear, I keep on, “I hate it, so I just quit and move to another post.”

  “Brad, you might have just saved all our careers. I see this as working, I really do. And I can think of a few crazy things to put out there that will make people realize this is all just…”

  “Whacky shit.”

  “Yeah. Whacky shit.”

  “I can write up maybe….forty or fifty items. But how do we distribute them?” Kayla asks.

  “Emails. All we need are some fake Gmail accounts to go with our fake gossip stories.”

  Scott pulls out his phone, waving it in the air. “I’ll start making email accounts.”

  Kayla rises from her chair and bounces up and down—a show, I, for one, am glad I do not miss. “I’ll get my laptop and start writing blind times and fake stories.”

  “Great,” I say, whispering to myself. “Damn, you look hot.”

  As she’s dashing out of the room, she yells back, “This could be fun.”

  “Hey, Kayla, write a story about me being abducted by aliens.”

  “And make sure you note how he was anally probed.” Scott’s laughing before he can finish the joke. “And loved it.”

  I run my fingers through my hair and then pick up my drink. After a sip, I reply. “Takes one to know one, Scott.”

  “Alien?”

  “Um, no,” I say, sneering. “Someone who loves being anally probed.”

  “Epic comeback, Brad. You’re stepping up your game.”

  “Thanks.”

  I text Shauna, wanting updates. She replies that she has none. Following up, I simply dial her number and call her.

  I explain to her the whole plan, and she just listens to it.

  “Brad,” she finally says when I’m done. “I have a list of all the blogs I was searching and looking into. These are the blogs you need to send your fake gossip to. These are the ones people visit the most.”

  “Excellent. Great work.”

  “I must say I’m proud of you, Brad. This is a great plan,” Shauna says over the phone.

  “Thanks. Sometimes I surprise even myself.”

  “Like I say all the time, all you need, Brad, is the right inspiration. And Kayla is just that.”

  Looking at Kayla, the smile on her face as she’s typing away, I cannot disagree with Shauna.

  She’s right.

  Scott

  There’s the same fucking cockroach staring at me again. What’s wrong with this dude?

  As I walk past him, I do a double take. Is this thing wearing armor? And boxing gloves?

  Without getting too close, I peer at it. I know I’ve not consumed any alcohol, so I can’t be drunk. Maybe the stress is getting to me, but I swear this bug is not normal.

  This time, Dick Burstfly is not there to open the door for me, but I’ve come prepared.

  I retrieve a tissue from my pocket and use it to first knock and then turn the door handle.

  “Come in,” calls Dick, and I wonder if he has any kind of filing system or if it simply pushes the papers from a finished case onto the floor.

  I walk in and trip over something soft and squishy. My insides turn as I imagine what it might be.

  “Get out,” yells Dick, and I’m shocked until I see the grey fur ball.

  With a hiss and a spit, the cat leaps up and disappears through a cat flap in a side door.

  I sneeze. I’m allergic to cats. Great, fucking fantastic.

  I don’t have my allergy medication on me. I sneeze again. My eyes are starting to water, and I resist the urge to rub them.

  “You got something?”

  I need to get out of here quickly.

  Dick rubs those sausage fingers together and grins.

  “Take a seat, Scotty. Take a seat.”

  I’d rather keep standing, but it seems the PI won’t part with any information unless I’m sitting.

  With a sigh and another sneeze, I perch on the edge of the seat.

  I look around and wonder if it is possible for this place to have gotten filthier and messier in such a short amount of time.

  “Now.” Dick’s voice stops me midthought.

  “Hope it’s good,” I mumble and keep an eye out for the mutant cockroach, who I suspect is planning a takeover of the apartment, office, and maybe even the business.

  “Let’s start with this one.”

  Sausage fingers fumble through a pile of papers and produce the photo of Ed.

  “He’s in real strive.”

  Images of Ed with multiple prostitutes fucking him in compromising positions come to mind. Yuck. Disgusting.

  “Your man, Ed, basically has no money. He’s broke, or almost broke.”

  I frown. What’s so bad about not having money? I feel disappointment wash over me like a bucket of ice-cold water.

  “I don’t see,” I start, but Dick interrupts me.

  “The man’s got a gambling problem.”

  It still doesn’t seem so bad to me. I’m sure there are plenty of other people who have a gambling problem.

  “That’s it?” I try not to sound too annoyed. Maybe Dick Burstfly is losing it. That’s what happened to some people, they got to the top of their game and stalled at the height of their success before crashing to the ground, landing hard.

  Dick shakes his head.

  “Now this fellow,” he says as he points to the picture of Ian, which by now has multiple other un
identifiable stains all over. “This one was a lot harder to crack. But crack him I did.”

  I sure hope this is better than what he’s given me so far.

  I’m not sure how well Brad will take the news that all we can get on Ed is a gambling habit and hardly any funds in the bank.

  “You see, sometimes its less obvious, the connection, the dirt. Know what I mean?”

  I shake my head. Fucking lunatic is talking in riddles. I sneeze again.

  “Okay. So I told you Ed here has a gambling problem…”

  “Got it,” I reply and resist a smart-ass remark.

  “However, even though Ed is broke, he is able to maintain a pretty good lifestyle and stay afloat, unlike some other gambling tragics. Now you might wonder why that is.”

  I don’t really fucking care, but I don’t say this to Dick. Instead, I wait, my patience wearing thin.

  “So after some digging around, I discovered someone is funding him. Someone is giving him money.”

  I wonder where this is going and glance at my watch. Ten minutes of my life wasted sitting in this dump. I take a deep breath in and exhale slowly. Stay calm.

  “It wasn’t too hard to work out who was giving Ed money. Ed has a sister—a sister who seems very attached to her brother, or so at least it seems on the surface. Sibling or not, it seems strange to keep giving him money.”

  “Is there a fucking point to all this, Dick?” I’m getting pissed off with this long-winded story of the PI.

  “Sorry, Scotty. Of course there’s a point. Ed’s sister has a son. A son called Ian. A rather useless, unemployable son called Ian.”

  Finally, the light globe turns on.

  I get it.

  “Papers?”

  Dick hands me a surprisingly clean-looking envelope.

  “All in here, my friend.”

  Before he hands it over, he holds out his other hand.

  “For a reward, it’s yours.”

  I pull out my wallet and throw five thousand bucks onto the desk. With greedy fingers, Dick grabs the money and shoves it in his top draw.

  With the evidence in hand, I leave.

  “Pleasure doing business,” Dick calls to me just before I close the door.

  I hope I won’t have to come back to this dump ever again.

  The fucking roach is still sitting where it was when I walked in. I stop and glare at it, and I swear it glares back.

  I’m tempted to take a photo and show it to Brad and Kayla. But then again, I don’t want them to think me a fool.

  Outside, I mull over the information Dick gave me. Only now I realize how bad the gambling habit and being broke really is if one is a producer.

  I don’t know many networks who want to employ a producer who cannot manage their own finances and are reliant on someone else’s money. When this gets out, no one will hire Ed ever again as a producer.

  I can’t wait to tell Kayla and Brad what I’ve found out.

  Brad

  Sitting at home, I’m feeling pretty darn good. I’ve spent the afternoon with Scott and Kayla. We wrote and distributed fifty-five fake gossip items about the three of us.

  I’m sure that will be enough—no matter what the gossip is about, the blogger releasing all these stories will just be washed away in the flood we created.

  Fuck you, whoever you are. You and the asshole leaking information. Fuck you both.

  Shauna’s coming over for dinner. Actually, she’s bringing dinner. Chinese food from my favorite restaurant.

  I’m really looking forward to some egg rolls and some pork low mien tonight.

  I’m flipping channels on my big screen plasma TV, looking for a something with a sci-fi flare that I can watch until she gets back.

  I’m kinda hoping this one movie, the space movie with the giant bugs, is on. Every time I flip by it, I end up watching it. It gets me. Every damn time, it gets me.

  Unfortunately, I’m not finding it. Lots of teen drama movies are on. Not even the good kinds with a touch of horror, just the sappy, whiny kinds.

  When I was that age, I was busy playing video games and hitting on the hottest girls in class, not crying and moping about. Times sure have changed.

  I can hear Shauna’s car pull in the driveway. My stomach growls. Just in time.

  “Hey, Shauna. Your timing is absolutely perfect. I’m just—”

  Shauna runs into the living room. I’ve never seen her so happy or excited before. You’d think she won the lottery.

  “You were just getting ready to give me an all-expense paid vacation to the Caribbean. Don’t protest—I’m right.”

  “Wait? Was I?” I say, smiling.

  “And you are gonna rent me one of those luxury jets so me and my family can fly in style.”

  “Whoa. Really?”

  She places the food down on my kitchen table, and while retrieving her phone from her oversized purse, she nods. “Yeah, really.”

  Sitting at the table, I’m both intrigued and hungry, so I unpack the food while asking, “What did you do to deserve all this? Did you get me extra egg rolls?”

  “I did better. So much better,” she says, pointing to her phone. “I got answers.”

  “Answers?” It suddenly occurs to me what she’s speaking about and why she’s so happy. “Answer-answers? You found out who?”

  “I did.”

  “Holy shit, Shauna.” I stand up so quickly, I spend everything on the table into motion, nearly spilling my food and drink. “Who? Spill it! The info, I mean.”

  “Ian and Ed are the blind item sources. The blogs have been paying them for dirt.”

  “Ian and Ed. Those motherfuckers!” I slam my open hand down on the table, shaking everything there again. “I can’t fucking believe it.” Well, fuck, it makes sense, doesn’t it?

  Shauna paces back and forth as she continues, clearly trying to expel all the energy inside her. “And you’ll never guess how I found out, Brad.”

  “How?”

  “I found out from talking to Shelby.”

  “Shelby?” I wrinkle my brow. “My Shelby? I mean my X-Shelby. My ex-girlfriend, Shelby?”

  “Yes.”

  “How the hell?”

  Shauna stops; gathering herself a moment. “Shelby is dating a friend of mine. I never told you that?”

  “Um…no.”

  “Well, she is. She’s very happy. I mean, they are very happy.”

  I shrug at her comment. “Great… So….”

  “So, Ian and Ed told Shelby, thinking she would love hearing how they are destroying your career. But Shelby isn’t bitter because she is happy in her new relationship. Happier than she’s ever been.”

  Her words both irk and excite me. Mostly irk.

  Ed and Ian. Shelby happier than ever.

  What the fuck. I need to call Scott. He’s gonna love this.

  “So what do you think?” Shauna says. “Did I earn my vacation?”

  She did. She earned it and more.

  “Shauna, you earned a month’s worth of time off. Contact my assistant”—I’m teasing now, but it’s the honest truth—“have her set you up. All expenses paid for!”

  “You think your assistant will be jealous?” she says, laughing.

  “Nah.”

  Shauna looka at me funny; I’m forgetting something. Oh, right.

  “And I’ll rent you a luxury jet too.”

  She cheers and gives a loud “Woot!”

  “One month. What will you do for a whole month?”

  “Two weeks is fine, Brad. You wouldn’t be able to survive without me for more than that. A month? I’d come back and you’d be jobless, broke, starving, and—”

  “Naked.”

  “Exactly.”

  Walking around the table, I put my hand up for a high-five. “You’re the best, Shauna.”

  SLAP!

  “We’re the best, Brad. We make an excellent team. Like Batman and Robin.”

  I smirk, and she smirks back. I know what that m
eans. “That makes me Robin, doesn’t it?”

  “It sure does, Brad.”

  Kayla

  I check my reflection. Looks good. Tight black skirt, white blouse, black jacket, and matching shoes give me the serious writer look I want to portray.

  Today’s a special day, and I have to look my best.

  Ian and Ed wanted a war…and they’re about to get one.

  “You look hot,” Scott whispers in my ear as he walks past. I quash the flicker of desire with thoughts of ice water.

  A quick check of my wristwatch confirms that the head of the network should be walking through the door to our set any second. And right on queue, he comes in.

  I nod in his direction and am pleased to see Derrick intercept him before Ed gets to him.

  With a deep breath, I walk to the set.

  Brad and Scott both smile at me in an encouraging sort of way. They know what’s about to happen. Scott gives me the thumbs up.

  I catch a glimpse of Ian and Ed in an intense discussion. This is going to be so good.

  A feeling of schadenfreude overcomes me already. Pricks, both of them. They deserve what’s about to happen.

  “What’s going on, Kayla?” Ed stops me midstep.

  Is that fear I hear in his voice?

  “Baby cakes, tell me what you’re up to.”

  “I told you not to call me that,” I say coolly and push past him.

  Ian is now by Ed’s side.

  “What did she tell you?” I hear Ian ask Ed, but I just ignore the two of them.

  I push past them. When I’m on the set, I take a bundle of papers from one of the prop boys.

  “First of all, let me welcome Mr. Prong, head of the network, to the set today.” I pause to applaud. The others join me. “I have invited the honorable Mr. Prong to watch our filming today.”

  I pause to relish in the electric atmosphere and then add, “There’s been a rewrite.”

  Ian snorts, and Ed visibly tenses.

  “Here’s the amended script.”

  I walk over to Ian and Ed to give them the paper.

  Frantically, Ian flicks through the pages. His face visibly whitens to the color of a ghost.