The Choices We Make (Relentless Book 4)

by Barbara C. Doyle

  I glance at Addy. “It did for Bash and me.”

  I’m met with silence.

  Turning, I see them staring at me.

  Surprisingly, it’s Dylan who chimes in. “I love Bash, but I never understood why he was so set on holding on to whatever you two had together. And it isn’t because I don’t like you or anything. It’s that he chose to leave you. He made those decisions and he had to deal with the consequences. And you know what? Good for you for moving on. Not all love is eternal.”

  Ian and I both stare at him.

  He squirms under our gazes. “What? It’s true. First loves are all-consuming, right? That’s what they say anyway. You and Bash had a good run, but so what if it wasn’t meant to last? You guys are adults now.”

  “And you have Noah,” Ian adds.

  “Had. Past tense.”

  He shakes his head. “He’ll be back. I feel it in my gut, and my gut is rarely ever wrong.”

  Dylan chuckles. “Except for when it told you to sleep with Tessa and claim her V-card.”

  I choke on air. “Excuse me?”

  My eyes snap to Ian, who’s currently glaring at Dylan.

  “You slept with Tessa? Will’s Tessa?”

  I can’t seem to wrap my head around this.

  Ian grumbles under his breath, “Relax. It was a long time ago.”

  Like that makes it better? “But you used to tease him about liking her in high school!”

  He sinks in his seat, knowing he’s about to get scolded.

  “Ian Wells,” I hiss. “Do not tell me you slept with Tessa knowing what she meant to Will!”

  He palms his face, staying silent. Probably so he won’t incriminate himself further.

  Dylan laughs. “It never gets old.”

  Ian shoves Dylan so hard he falls out of his chair, landing with a thud on the kitchen floor. I watch the two like they’re siblings trying to irritate the other more.

  They’ve never changed. It’s refreshing.

  But still … “God, I’m out of the loop. Does Will know about this?”

  Dylan sits back down. “Remember that video that went around of Ian with a black eye right before we left?”

  My jaw drops. “He punched you?”

  Ian shrugs.

  I nod approvingly. “Go Will.”

  “Hey!” Ian protests.

  I cross my arms on my chest. “Don’t expect pity from me, mister. That was such a stupid thing to do. Did you even like Tessa then?”

  “Of course I did!”

  “As more than just a friend?”

  He doesn’t answer as quickly. “I don’t think I ever liked her more than that. It’s a long story, but I did her a favor, okay? It’s over and done with. She’s with Will and they’re happy.”

  I don’t want to let it go, but I do.

  “Noah will be back,” Ian says to divert the conversation back to me. “That’s what matters here.”

  I tilt my head. “Bash is your best friend.”

  He shrugs. “Friends know what’s best for their friends, right? I think being in your life will be good for him, but that doesn’t mean I think going back to what you were is better than being with the person you belong with.”

  Dylan bobs his head. “Have to second that.”

  I press my lips together tightly.

  I don’t know why it surprises me, I had told myself the same thing. But hearing people who have spent years in close proximity to Bash, who know him nearly as well as I do, puts it in perspective.

  “Your kid is cute, freckles,” Ian remarks, eyeing Addison, who’s bouncing around on the couch.

  Worrying my lip, I glance over at Addy. You can hear her softly singing to the cartoon she’s watching as she nods her head along.

  “I know,” I admit. “I’m pretty lucky.”

  “At least she didn’t inherit Bash’s shoulders,” Dylan chimes in amusement.

  Ian snickers. “Could you imagine? He’s got the broadest damn shoulders I’ve ever seen.”

  I shake my head, biting my nail. They’re not wrong, and it makes me wary. “You’re making me nervous. She isn’t fully grown yet. The last thing I need is a linebacker in my home. We don’t have that much space.”

  Both men laugh at my expense.

  I lean back in my chair. “She reminds me of him when he was younger. They both have this,” I wave my hand in the air, “energy to them. It was like having him around even when he wasn’t.”

  Ian’s lips curve upward. “Can I ask you something?”

  I nod.

  “Do you regret not telling him?”

  I pause, mulling over my answer. I’ve asked myself this a lot since Bash came home and I knew the truth would have to come out. I’ve never had so much anxiety. Not when I had no clue where Addy and I were going to live. Not when I had no job, no money for groceries or rent. Not when I had to keep alive a teeny, tiny, little human. It was all so overwhelming, but finding out Bash was back? That was the scariest moment of my life.

  This truth is so much more. Everyone says the truth will set you free, but my fear is watching everything leave because I finally told them how I felt. At least with Bash, I had watched him walk away once before. I knew what to expect, and I wanted what was best for him. Hypocritical as it is, since I hated him making choices for me, he had a chance at making something of himself and I never did. One of us had to live. And I no longer could.

  Everyone else was a mystery. A thriller type book I never wanted to read. Noah, Addison, Roy, they were all people who made me who I am today, and I couldn’t bear to lose them.

  Addison is on the verge of daily meltdowns. I can tell Roy is disappointed in me, my actions. Noah is gone, and I don’t know if he’ll ever come back.

  “I don’t regret keeping it a secret,” I admit quietly. “I know what Bash was able to do with his life because of my choice. I just wish the aftermath wasn’t so …” I bite down on the inside of my cheek, searching for the right word. “Lonely.”

  Ian’s eyes soften. “You’re not alone.”

  I shake my head. “There’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. In one case, you’ve got no one. In the other, you’re surrounded by the wrong type of people who don’t know how to be there for you. It’s my own fault. I had a lot of help from Roy, Kennedy, Noah, and Linda. But I could never connect with them like I used to. I never wanted to, because it reminded me of what I gave up.”

  I feel tears welling in my eyes, but I fight them back by blinking rapidly. Suddenly, there’s a tissue in front of my face, and when I look up, Ian is kneeling next to me with the same comforting expression softening his features he always wears.

  “I don’t want to sound like I hate my life,” I whisper so Addy won’t hear. “I love Addison with everything I have, and I’m so lucky to have the help that I’ve gotten. But now my life looks different, another change I have to adjust to. Life without Noah. Life with Sebastian. It’s a whole to process.”

  “You’ve just got to take it one day at a time,” he tells me, rubbing my back in small circles. “It sucks not being with Kasey and Taylor, but I know they’re in good hands. When I’m on the road, I look forward to everything I get to come home to. You’re no different. You have so many people who love you here, and it doesn’t matter if you closed them out. They still know how you feel.”

  Dylan’s chair creaks when he shifts. He looks uncomfortable, never the one for the touchy-feely stuff. But it doesn’t stop him from speaking his mind now.

  “Bash will let you live your life however you want. He’ll want yours and Addy’s happiness over his own. Even if that’s with Noah. He’ll hurt for a while, seeing as that man was a damn near saint. But he’ll get over it.”

  My jaw drops. “What?”

  Ian eyes Dylan, but the look he gives him doesn’t shut Dylan’s mouth.

  He glares right back at Ian. “What? She should know.” His voice rises from the soft whisper it was. “Bash never slept with anybody
after you. It’s only been you because the crazy basta—” He looks to the living room. “Sorry, crazy SOB was holding on to hope that you’d wait for him. We’ve tried telling him how unfair that was, but he wouldn’t listen. Sure, there were a few kisses and prepubescent groping, but he’d never be willing to take it further.”

  I blink.

  Blink again.

  Six years. It’s been six years since Bash has had sex?

  “Oh my god,” I whisper.

  Ian sighs. “Don’t read into it, Opal. He made his choices. That’s not on you.”

  I stand up, suddenly feeling my lungs constrict, suffocating from the inside out. Bash has held on for this whole time, never fooling around, always writing, and what the hell have I been doing?

  I walk over to the sink, filling a glass of water while my hands shake like an earthquake. Ian is next to me, studying me to make sure I don’t hyperventilate or pass out. I have no clue what will happen, but the feeling weighing down my chest is one I haven’t felt before.

  “Breathe,” Ian instructs calmly, placing his hands on my cheeks. “I think you’re having a panic attack.”

  I try inhaling, but it doesn’t work. If anything, it gets worse.

  “Shit,” I hear Dylan murmur. “I didn’t mean to break her.”

  Ian snaps his attention in his direction. “What did you think you’d accomplish by telling her that?” he snarls. “What Bash does or doesn’t do isn’t her problem, Dylan. Just because his lifestyle annoys you doesn’t mean you need to pass the torch to her.”

  I grip the glass so tight it may break, so Ian pries it from my fingers and sets it on the counter.

  It shouldn’t bother me that Bash hasn’t been with anyone else, but it does. It bothers me that he’s had faith in us when I never did. While Bash held onto us, our memory, I threw us away.

  It feels like I cheated us, while he cherished our relationship all these years. And that … that kills me.

  “Mommy?” a little voice calls out from the entryway.

  It’s only then do I pull my first real breath of air into my lungs. Addison, my angel, my saving grace has never seen me so bent out of shape. She blinks her wide, grey eyes at my own pinched expression.

  “Hey, baby,” I rasp. “I’m okay. Uncle Ian and I are just talking.”

  I wince when I hear the words spill from my mouth, but Ian beams at his new title.

  “Sorry,” I murmur, peeking at him. “It kind of slipped.”

  Dylan claps. “That makes me an uncle, too. But the cool uncle, not the creepy one. Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

  “Whatever you say, Dad,” Ian snorts.

  Dylan jabs a finger in our direction. “Not funny, brother. Not funny.”

  Ian shakes his head. “Are you going to pretend it’s not happening until you’re in the delivery room? Because I’m fairly certain Ash is going to need you before then.”

  Dylan rakes a hand through his hair. “I …”

  Addy saves him by thrusting a doll in his face. “Want to play?”

  Dylan takes the out. “Got any G.I. Joes?”

  Addy giggles. “No, but you can be Nurse Barbie.”

  Dylan’s eyes flash a mischievous shade of chocolate. “I’m down for that.”

  He follows Addy out of the kitchen.

  Ian shifts, his hand rubbing circles in my back again. “You good? I’ve only seen one other person have a panic attack, but they never got pulled out of it like that.”

  “Addy needs to see me strong.”

  “You don’t always have to be strong, Opal.”

  Jaw tight, I argue, “For her, I do.”

  A throat clears behind us, and we both turn to see Bash with his hands in his pockets. His eyes are on Ian’s hand on my back, which Ian quickly drops to his side.

  Bash gestures toward the door. “The door was unlocked, and nobody answered …”

  I just nod dumbly, staring at him.

  I gulp. “Ian was helping me.”

  Bash’s brows go up. “Helping with what?”

  There’s a tone to his voice that I don’t like, and it’s Ian who says something about it. “Don’t get your panties in a twist, dude. You know she’s like a sister to me.”

  “Just like Tessa?” Bash grumbles. He shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter, I’m not worried. That used to be me, you know? Comforting her, I mean. What’s wrong, anyway?”

  Nobody says anything. Instead, Addy’s giggles are the only sound filling the apartment. We all walk over to the archway leading into the living room, and see Addy on Dylan’s back, riding him like he’s a bucking bronco. She’s got her cowgirl Barbie in her hand, and a huge smile on her face as Dylan moves across the room.

  “Damn,” Ian mumbles under his breath. “I think he’s going to be just fine with his own kid.”

  I smile. “Yeah, I think you’re right.”

  Bash nods. “Who would have thought Dylan would be domesticated?” His eyes shadow over, like he’s upset over something.

  “Hey,” I say, nudging his shoulder. “Addy loves people who play with her. She’ll be that happy with you, too. Especially after the fall fair.”

  He glances at me. “You’re still okay with me going with you guys?”

  Pressing my lips together, I think about my answer. I don’t know why he’d think I’d go against what I already promised him, but I nod anyway.

  “Actually, maybe you and her could go together. Just, you know, the two of you. We could always hang out a few more times before then so you’re more comfortable, but Addy is really easy to get along with, and she almost always listens.”

  His eyes widen. “You’d let me do that?”

  Why does he think I’m a monster? “Yes, Bash. I wouldn’t offer only to mess with you.”

  He recovers. “I know that, I just wasn’t expecting it. I mean, I only just met her, and you were nervous for us to get to know each other. If it’s too soon for you—”

  “That’s the thing about parenthood, Bash,” I cut him off. “Sometimes you’re thrown into it. I can’t keep holding you guys back from building a relationship by monitoring every playdate. Not if you really want to get to know her. You won’t be comfortable around her unless you get one-on-one time.”

  He takes a deep breath, slowly nodding.

  “So?” I press. “Do you want to take her? It’s at our old elementary school, in the new gym they built a couple years ago. Some events are outside, but there should be signs letting you know where to go.”

  He regards Addy for a moment. She’s tugging on two clumps of Dylan’s hair like they’re reins.

  “Yeah. I’d love that.” he whispers.

  I cross my arms over my chest. “Okay then. It’s settled. Daddy-daughter date.”

  Out of the corner of my eye I watch a small smile spread across Bash’s face. Then he walks off to play with Dylan and Addy, leaving Ian and I watching the three of them from the doorway.

  Ian leans in and whispers, “You’re totally going to stalk them at the fair, aren’t you?”

  “You bet your ass I am.”

  My knees crack when I stand from the small kid’s table that Addy placed Ian, Dylan, and I around for a tea party. Dylan had trouble pretending that the plastic food in front of him was edible and could barely hold onto the tiny teacup that was full of water. He kept making faces every time Addy told him to drink his tea, informing her it was just water.

  Dude has no imagination.

  We sat like that for almost two hours, talking about the world of Barbie dolls and princesses, and I learned that I know nothing about Disney movies. Ian informed me I’d have to catch up, saying I’ll need to start binging every princess movie produced to ‘get on her level’ whatever the hell that means.

  Sad thing is, he’s not wrong.

  Ian chose to cook an early dinner since Dylan’s stomach kept grumbling through the course of the tea party. Apparently, the fake food made him hungry.

  Thankfully, Ian’s a p
retty good cook. Something I am certainly not. I can make a decent sandwich, if it’s deli meats or peanut butter and jelly. I guess Ian will have to show me a few things unless Addy will be happy eating burnt food for the rest of her life.

  Will I get the chance to see her that long?

  Not letting myself think about those burning questions when I have time with her now, I brush it off. Addy has moved onto coloring in a book of cats, seemingly content. She passes Dylan a pink crayon and a different coloring book, one full of princesses, and he tries coloring in the lines.

  “Dude, you’re bad at this,” I joke, watching as he scribbles out of the lines.

  “It’s the crayon,” he insists.

  I snort. “Okay.”

  “You try,” he grumbles, shoving them toward me.

  “Daddy needs to help me with this,” Addy tells him, passing him a new crayon. The color is a weird blue-purple. Dylan doesn’t argue, though he looks like he wants to. He focuses on coloring the dress on the princess, grumbling to himself.

  My focus goes to Addy. “What do you need help with?”

  She passes me a brown crayon. “You need to do the kitty tail, but only the stripes. ’Kay?”

  I nod. “Yeah, okay.”

  She works on the opposite page, coloring in the ears and nose with the pink crayon she took from Dylan. I do my own thing, feeling Opal’s eyes on me the whole time.

  After about twenty minutes, Ian comes back from the kitchen, announcing the food is ready. Dylan quickly bolts up, rushing to the food before anybody else can even stand.

  I chuckle. “Guess the tea party didn’t fill him up,” I joke.

  Addy giggles. “It wasn’t real food, Daddy.”

  “No?” I play along. “Could have fooled me.”

  Opal helps Addy up, smiling at me. “You should have some of her cookies.”

  My brows go up. “Addy bakes?”

  “I help Mommy!”

  That makes way more sense. “Well I hope to have them sometime. What kind do you make?”

  “Oatmeal,” Opal says. “Although we make pretty mean chocolate chip, too. They’re Kennedy’s favorites, so we make them every so often and give them to her.”