Words Heard In Silence / Xena Uber

by T. Novan

  "He……ah……he used to tell me I was worthless and stupid and that I was lucky to have him. That I was fortunate that he took pity on me and married me. That he provided me a home and food and the clothes on my back." She wiped a tear way. "He was furious when I did not give him a child in the first year and that is when it started."

  Charlie continued to softly stroke her back. He kept his voice low and neutral and continued to gently probe, trying to give her a safe space to let out all of the pain and all of the shame that went with such treatment. "Love, was it always like this, or did something happen that marked the start of this... harsh behavior?"

  "When my father arranged the marriage, I know he thought I would be all right or he never would have done it. But from the very first day, he started telling me how he only married me because my family needed the prestige of being related to the Gaines’. That if he had his choice he would have picked a pretty woman, but I looked good and strong and would be well suited for giving him a son every year. And when I did not, he started drinking and then the beatings started." She gave a little laugh. "My family thought I had become the clumsiest human begin on Earth. I was always having an accident of some type. He told me that if I ever said differently, he would kill me and then say he caught me with a stable hand and did it in a moment of passion."

  Strong arms held her gently. If she had broken down and sobbed, it would have been easier, but this flat, almost emotionless discussion, broken only by that little, painful, embarrassed laugh, frightened Charlie beyond words. It suggested that she actually believed the bastard's lies. "Rebecca, look at me, please."

  She looked up, tears pooling in her eyes. "I swear, Charlie, I tried to be a good wife to him and I will try for you. I promise." The tears finally gave way and rolled down her cheeks.

  Charlie held her gently and yet firmly. "Rebecca, look at me and listen to me very carefully. I want you to know that everything I am going to tell you is the absolute, unflinching truth."

  She nodded, that frightened woman who lived in the back of her mind waiting for Charlie to tell her the same things. But her heart told her it could be different. "Yes?"

  "To me, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I can get lost in your eyes; I joy in the sight and feel of your hair; your skin is like silk against my hands and lips. You have shown over and over how gentle you are and how caring, for me and for others. I am awed that you have managed to keep your home together as you have, facing the ravages of war alone. I am humbled by your bravery and your courage. The problem is not you, dear. It was never you. It was him."

  "I have lived as I was taught by my parents, Charlie. To be kind, to care for others. I have lived by those teachings. I have only done what I need to. I am not special, I just want to love and be loved. I did not think that was wrong. But he made me feel like it was. He made me feel like a worthless whore sometimes. He used to tell me that is what I was when he forced himself on me. That I was nothing more than a brood mare, like the ones we kept in our stables."

  Charlie held her close and stroked her hair. "He was wrong, beloved. He was so very, very wrong. There are some people in the world; people who are dead inside and who only feel alive when they can make someone else hurt. That is the only time that they can actually see that they can affect others. I do not understand it, but I have seen this on occasion. It is evil, reprehensible in every way, but it does happen. And these angry, broken people go through life hurting others, just as a rabid dog will lash out and injure anything or any one that gets in their way. I am so sorry that you fell into his hands, my heart. And I am even sadder that you bear the scars of his illness. But it was not your illness, it was his, I promise you."

  Charlie cleared his throat and then plunged on - into the area that was hardest for him. "My love, I know what kind of scars someone like that can inflict. I told you about my father, some. How he beat me. What I did not tell you is how he acted for most of my life. When my mother died, I think that something in him died, too. Somehow, he was angry at the whole world, and since he could control me, he took it out on me. Finally, I could take it no more, and so you see me as I am. I chose to give up my identity, everything I was or could be to escape. You had the strength to remain true to yourself and withstand his illness."

  "Oh, Charlie, I never would have had your courage. The courage it took to leave and never look back. I do not think you ran way. I think you were very courageous for doing what you did. Had my husband not left and died when he did, I am not sure I would have survived much longer. After Andrew was killed I really did not have a reason any longer." She caressed his cheek and smiled. "But now I think we were brought together from our terrible pasts. We both have so much that makes us different that we understand each other as no one else could. And I promise you that I will spend the rest of my life doing my best to give you the happiness you deserve."

  "All you need to do, my dear, is to do your best to be happy for yourself. I love you. I want what is best for you. I will give you everything I can, and everything I am to keep you safe and give you the kind of life you deserve. The next words came like razors over his lips, but he said them anyway. "And if a real man should come into your life who can give you what I cannot, I will let you go to him."

  Rebecca laughed as a thought crossed her mind and she looked up to Charlie. "Are you prepared for the sympathy you will receive when it becomes apparent that your wife cannot give the distinguish Colonel children?" She laughed again, wiping the tears from her cheeks. "And I assure you, Charlie. There is no one in my life but you and there never will be."

  "For you, my dear, I would attribute that to a war wound."

  "You most certainly will not." She grinned, "The town whispers about my inability now. May as well let them think that still."

  "They would know differently, if the right man came into your life. I will not do that to you, dear." Charlie's heart cried. She had ignored his offer to stand aside if the right man came along.

  "You are the right man, Charlie. There will be no other. I have learned what love is and I intend to hold onto you for dear life."

  As darkness fell, the two sat, drained, cuddled together and quietly rejoicing in the simple comfort they offered one another’s wounded souls.

  Chapter 12

  Tuesday, November 29, 1864

  Rebecca paced outside the door of Charlie’s office. He was still in his midday meeting and the fact she had been summoned made her wonder what was going on. In the time that Charlie had been there, he had never called her to his office when he was working.

  She twisted her hands nervously, waiting for the meeting to end and the officers to leave. Finally, the door opened and the officers filed out, each of them smiling and offering various greetings to the woman.

  "Good day, gentlemen." She smiled back before peeking into the office and rapping on the doorframe, "Charlie?"

  "Come in, Rebecca, and please, have a seat." He rose from his desk and stood while she settled herself. "I know I am being a little presumptuous in asking you to join me here, but since this is official business, I thought it might be easier. We have a problem in town and I hope you can help fix it. There are refugees showing up from some of the harsher battle zones. The most charitable Mrs. Williams made it very clear that the people of Culpeper do not have the resources to help these folks. While I do not believe her, I do not know where to start."

  "My goodness, for a woman who does not want or need our help she certainly was quick to bring this problem to us."

  "Yes, well, she coerced your friend, Mrs. Cooper, into riding out here and dropping this in my lap. Got an eyeful, too, as I had just finished my morning run."

  Rebecca chuckled, picking a piece of lint from her dress. "Charlie Redmond, you keep it up and I will have to beat the women of Culpeper off with a stick. But before that I suppose we should try and figure out what it is we can do to help. Your men have taken over most of the buildings on the land. I am not sure we have roo
m for more people. Unless you have any ideas." She smiled at him. "You know I am always open to your suggestions."

  Charlie tugged at his earlobe for a moment, obviously a little uncomfortable with what he was going to suggest. "I was thinking that if each of the leading families in Culpeper took one refugee family into their homes, and I saw to it that there were extra rations, extra blankets, that sort of thing, we would be able to handle much of the influx. You have a big house here, with lots of bed rooms that are not being used and I was hoping you would set the mark for the rest of them."

  "Ah, I see. Well, yes I suppose we could take in a few of them, Charlie. But it will require lots of work to ready the house. Are your men finished enough with camp that you could allow them to lend a hand? I could not expect Duncan and Reg to do all the work."

  "I could give you a squad of men –– what do you need? Or do you want to leave that to Duncan?"

  "We will have to make sure the rooms are clean, find a way to prepare beds and storage. I think we will have to find and install stoves in some of the rooms. The fireplaces warm the house enough if you have proper clothing to ward off the chill, but I imagine these people will not have much. And Charlie, if there are any men among them I am afraid we will have to find spots for them with your troops. I just would not be comfortable having strange men residing in the house with displaced women and children."

  "My dear, I am afraid that if there are any men among them, I will have to look very closely to see if they are potential enemy spies. As for the clothing and cleaning, I can do something about that. I am not sure I can find stoves, but we can make sure there is enough wood to keep all the fireplaces going, and I can get raw woolen material - nothing fancy, mind you, but at least I can get the material."

  "They are probably sick and half starved too. Will Dr. Walker and her staff be able to offer medical care?"

  "Absolutely. Elizabeth brought extra drugs with her and we have several medics working under Samuelson and Whitman who can provide care. I am a bit worried about taking care of the women; they may feel uncomfortable about day-to-day care from a man. However, I can hire more of Beulah's family to help."

  She nodded. "All right, Charlie. We will do what we need to do to handle this problem. I suppose I should make a trip into town to see about this situation. Maybe the Coopers will be willing to help us with some of the supplies we will need, if they have them. Can I have Duncan take me into town this afternoon? That will give me time to talk with Elizabeth, if she is available." She shook her head. "I must say Colonel, your arrival has certainly made life very interesting."

  "If you would like, I would be happy to drive you myself. I suspect it would be a good thing for me to meet with Mr. Cooper, Reverend Williams, and Mayor Frazier. That way, Duncan can get the crews working at the basic clean up and such."

  She rose from her chair and moved to him, gracing him with her brightest smile. "I would love to have you take me." She gave him a sweet little kiss. "But now I should go see if I can find Elizabeth and speak with her. I will also get Duncan started, if that is all right with you."

  "Tell Duncan that I will authorize him to select the ten men from the troops he feels will best help him. Polk knows about the problem; all of the company commanders were informed of it at the staff meeting, so he has all the cooperation he needs. When do you think you will be ready to go?"

  "I think I can be ready in two hours. Is that good for you?"

  Charlie rose from his chair and stepped over to stand very close to her indeed. He ran one finger under her chin and lifted her face to his, whispering, "Anything you want is good for me, darling." A soft kiss sealed the agreement.

  She smiled when the kiss ended, rubbing her hand up and down his arm, taking a deep breath between clenched teeth. "Yes, I will have to get myself a big stick while I am in town, too."

  Charlie looked confused, "A big stick?"

  "Yes, Charlie, for beating the women away from my charming, gallant Colonel," she teased with a wink.

  "You know you have no problem with that. No matter how many women are around, I only have one in my heart."

  She tugged on his uniform, then smoothed the front of it. "Hmm……you just remember that, Charlie Redmond. I am afraid I have discovered I have a bit of a jealous streak."

  "Well, love, you do have green eyes." Charlie smiled into those green eyes, enchanted and a little stunned that anyone would actually be jealous and possessive of him.

  "Yes I do." She gave him another quick kiss and sighed happily. "But now I must take them and find Doctor Walker. I will see you in two hours time."

  --*--

  "This room will serve nicely as a ward where we can put several beds, but I am concerned about the chill." Rebecca waved her hand around the room as Elizabeth looked on. "I hope I will be able to find a spare stove in town. We are going to need to set up a room for you to use as an examination room are we not?"

  "Yes, I should have one. It does not have to be as sterile as the surgery. If I need to perform surgery, I will want to do it there anyway, rather than try and move my tools around. A small, warm room would be good."

  "There is a small room at the end of the hall we can have Duncan and the men prepare." She released a deep breath. "I never thought I would be turning my home into a half-way house for refugees, but Charlie is right, if we are going to heal this wound we need to set the standard. It will also make it easier for Charlie when he comes home."

  Elizabeth looked at Rebecca questioningly. "You two are very serious, are you not?"

  She nodded, trying to convey her sincerity to Elizabeth. "In confidence I tell you this, Elizabeth. Charlie has asked me to marry him when this war is over. And I said yes."

  Elizabeth's hand covered her gaping mouth. When the power of speech had returned to her, she blurted out the first thing that came to her rather acerbic mind. "Well, you certainly have an interesting definition of taking it slowly and carefully."

  Rebecca straightened, a bit thrown by the doctor’s reaction. "I realize it is quick. But I assure you, I love Charlie and will spend the rest of my life trying to make him happy and give him the life he wants. Is there something else? Do you not think Charlie and I should be together?" Rebecca’s stomach fluttered and she felt her body tingle with nervousness. She knew Charlie valued Elizabeth’s opinion and if she had reservations that might be enough to change Charlie’s mind about returning.

  Elizabeth thought for a moment. "I am sorry, you know my tongue gets the better of me at times. Yes, it is quick. I suppose my concern is that the two of you may be getting involved because you are both lonely and each of you offers the other something you need very badly - safety, tenderness, a sense of belonging, an anchor in a very uncertain time. But if you and he are sure, well then, my dear, I will dance at your wedding."

  She smiled, feeling the tears in her eyes recede. She took Elizabeth’s hand, giving it a squeeze. "My dear Elizabeth, had I married my first husband for such good reasons I might have loved him, but I did not, in either case. But, I assure you, I adore Charlie. I feel for him as I have never felt before. We are very sure about our feelings, but I would ask you to speak to Charlie about it as well to make sure. We would love for you to dance at our wedding."

  An evil little grin sidled onto Elizabeth's face. "So does this mean that the rumors are true now?"

  Rebecca blushed deep red immediately. "Elizabeth! I cannot believe you would ask such a thing." She tried to pretend she was shocked but failed when an equally wicked grin perched on her lips. "No. I have some concerns of my own to deal with, and I am not quite ready to take that step. I am not sure Charlie is either."

  The blonde patted her friend’s hand. "And now I must go fetch the Colonel so we can make our way into town. Will you and Colonel Polk join us for supper tonight?"

  "I would be glad to join you. As for the good Colonel Polk, you will have to ask him yourself. I certainly do not control his social calendar."

  "I think for t
he opportunity to dine with you, Elizabeth, the Colonel would clear a meeting with Lincoln himself."

  Elizabeth just smiled. "I will see you at dinner, then. Please suggest to Charlie that he invite Richard, if you want." I will work with Duncan and his lads to start getting this in order."

  "Thank you. We will be home in a few hours. If you need anything at all just let Beulah or Reg know and they will fix you up."

  "Thank you, dear Rebecca. Enjoy your visit with the biddies."

  --*--

  Charlie helped Rebecca into the little carriage. Shannon stood like a proper lady waiting patiently for the ride to begin. Charlie carefully tucked a blanket round Rebecca’s legs then climbed in next to her. She was quick to move the blanket so it was settled over both their legs. "Shall we, Colonel? Let us see if we can get a few more tongues wagging."

  He snapped the reins, before glancing at Rebecca. "I do believe, my dear, you enjoy taunting the biddies."

  "Colonel, would I do something like that?" She asked with the most sincere voice she could manage under the circumstances.

  "Yes. Yes you would." He clucked his tongue, gave the reins another snap, sending Shannon into a gentle, but quick trot.

  She looped her arm through Charlie’s, she had discovered she did so enjoy being with him and being able to touch him. "What would make you think such wicked things about the woman you want to marry?"

  "Why, dear, it is simple. It is your spirit and spunk, your sense of humor, and the rebel in your soul that I do so love."

  "I am glad we have found each other, Charlie. It seems that something good has come out of all of this."

  Charlie transferred the reins to one hand so he could cover Rebecca's hand with his own. "You have given me so much, my dear. You have given me a future, when I had none. I love you."