Words Heard In Silence / Xena Uber

by T. Novan

  Charlie was in hell. Oh, Em. I love you. That is why I have to let you go. I am broken, little one, and no good for you any more. Please, you and your mama need someone who is not like me. You need a real father, not a broken old woman whose whole life is a lie. Please, baby, forget me. Please. But he could not make himself go to the door, because he knew if he saw her, his resolve would break. He knew if he saw his little daughter in so much pain, he would break, and take her in his good arm and try to make her feel better. And he just could not do that to her –– or to himself.

  Emily slumped against the door, then slowly slid down it, sobbing, but trying not to make any noise. Her puppy tried to ease her pain by licking her tears away but she lashed out and slapped her away, causing the pup to yelp and stagger back, her tail tucked between her legs. Em had never hit her before. But Puppy Papa would not leave her little girl. "Stop! Papa mad at Em. Em bad girl. Papa not love Em."

  Charlie could not stand it. He tried to rise from the chair, but the combination of his injuries and the lack of food conspired to make it impossible. He collapsed back into his chair. Reaching for the door again, trying again, he passed out.

  Jocko came down the stairs. It was time to try to get the General to eat something again. There he found the little girl, slumped on the floor sobbing. The puppy was hiding under the stairs, whimpering. Jocko rushed to the child and picked her up. "Ah, little lass, come here. Tell Uncle Jocko."

  "Em bad. Papa not love Em. Pwease." She grabbed his shirt and looked directly into his eyes. "Tell Papa Em good."

  "Oh, lass, Em is very good." Your papa is being a total ass and I am about ready to tell him so. "Papa is sick, honey. And he does not want you to get what he has." A terminal case of stupidity, I would say. "Let me take you upstairs. It is time to get ready for supper."

  "Papa sick? Papa die? No pwease, Papa not die. Em love Papa. Pwease." She broke down and sobbed now, all her little two-year-old reserve was gone with the thoughts that Papa would die. They would put him in a box, too.

  "No, little one, your Papa is not going to die. I promise." Not unless I kill him personally. "You let Uncle Jocko take you upstairs to Tess and I promise, you will see your Papa within the next few days."

  Em sniffed and laid her head on Jocko's shoulder. Her little body was still shaking and she just let him carry her away from Papa's door.

  Jocko walked up the stairs, carrying the exhausted child gently. As he got to the top of the first flight of stairs and was starting up the stairs to the second floor, he heard a crash coming from the back parlor. He turned back down the stairs to check. "Hush, little one," he admonished as Em stirred on his shoulder, curiosity almost overcoming her sorrow. "We need to check on your Mama for a minute."

  Rebecca stood in the middle of the parlor looking at her bleeding hand and the broken glass in the window. Before she knew it the door was opening, Richard, followed by Elizabeth and Jocko, carrying Em, entered the room. "What!" She yelled, still shaking from her own anger and frustration. "I am at the end! I cannot take anymore! I have done all I can!"

  Elizabeth looked at the bleeding hand. "Rebecca, what have you done?"

  Richard reached for his handkerchief and immediately moved toward Rebecca to staunch the blood.

  Em looked at her Mama, standing there bleeding and yelling and immediately started to wail.

  Jocko just stood there holding the wailing child, stock still, his face slowly turning a fascinating shade of red.

  Rebecca looked to Em. "Please stop that incessant crying! It is not doing anyone any good!" She pulled back the moment Richard tried to touch her. "No, I do not want any help! Just leave me alone. I should have known this would end in disaster! I have taken in every waif, orphan and refugee that has come my way. I put my love and trust in Charlie and he has turned me out. I am finished. I cannot take any more!"

  Em looked at Mama with terrified eyes. Yes, she knew her Mama wished she would not cry so much, but she never yelled. And all that blood. Em put her fist in her mouth and tried to stop her own tears. She was terrified.

  Elizabeth looked at Rebecca. Rebecca was hysterical, that was obvious. She stepped toward her friend, intending to take her and help her get some control.

  "Stop! Just stop!" Rebecca backed away, it was clear that she was not aware of how badly she was cut; the blood was dripping down her hand, leaving drops on the carpet. "He does not care. It does not matter to him that he is destroying this family. Why should it matter to me now?"

  Elizabeth stepped forward and slapped Rebecca full in the face. "Stop it. Just stop it, Rebecca. You are terrifying Em."

  Rebecca blinked, stunned. She looked to her daughter who was curled tight into Jocko's arms, trying not to cry and failing. "I am sorry, my little darling. Mama is sorry." Tears slipped from her eyes now and she just sat down on the closest chair. "I am so sorry."

  Jocko’s jaw was set. He stepped up to Rebecca and thrust Em into her arms. "Take care of your daughter. She needs you more than you can know. I will be back in a bit." Turning, he stomped out of the room.

  Rebecca held Em close and rocked her. "Mama is sorry, Em, so sorry. I did not mean to yell." She was about to bring her other hand over to comfort her daughter when she saw the blood. She presented it to Elizabeth. "Could you...please? I am sorry, Elizabeth. I do not know what came over me." She glanced to Richard. "I apologize to you as well, Richard."

  Silently, Elizabeth checked Rebecca’s hand for glass shards and then used Richard’s handkerchief as a makeshift bandage.

  Richard looked at the woman, pressed to her limits and beyond, and spoke quietly. " It is all right, Rebecca. I am surprised you have lasted this long. If it were me, I would have been beating the door down. All we can do now is pray that Charlie comes to his senses soon."

  "I have been praying everyday since I brought him home." She looked to Em who was finally calming and kissed her baby on the head. "I love you, my little darling."

  --*--

  Jocko stormed down the stairs. He had endured enough and the lady of this house most certainly had. He was nearly at a run by the time he had reached Charlie's door and the momentum was more than enough for him to kick the door in.

  Bursting into the room, he saw Charlie sitting in the chair, eyes glazed over, staring into space.

  "Well, you have finally done it, you damn fool!"

  Charlie just looked at him, lost and confused.

  "Go ahead and sit there like an idiot. Go ahead and feel sorry for yourself. I am done feeling sorry for you! I have just seen your beautiful, strong wife lose her senses. Dr. Walker is up there right now probably putting stitches in her hand, because she put it through a pane of glass. It is her and your little ones that I will spend my time feeling sorry for now."

  Charlie shook himself. "Rebecca? Stitches?"

  "Yes, stitches in her hand. She cut her hand, because the burden you have placed on her shoulders with your stubbornness has finally gotten to her. Not to mention that I found your little girl outside your door today, promising to be good and begging me to make you love her again."

  Charlie closed his eyes. In a calm, patient tone, as if explaining to a child, Charlie started. "Look at me, Jocko. I was never the man that Rebecca and Em need. And now, I am not even a whole human being. All I can do is be a burden for them. So they will feel pain now, and I am sorry, but then I will be gone and they can have a real life. They have all the money they need. Maybe that dark haired gentleman that Rebecca seems to like and Em loves to play with will care for them."

  Jocko could not help it; he started laughing. "You are an ass. Do you know who that young man is?"

  "No. I assume he is some Southern soldier returning home after the war. He seems to have come courting Rebecca." Charlie started to say something else, but just could not get it out of his mouth. He was going to say ‘‘I wish him well’ but the truth was that he wished the man to hell. Rebecca was the only love Charlie would ever have, and he no longer deserved her, if he
ever had.

  "That is her cousin, you mule-headed son of a bitch. Her aunt's eldest boy. Rebecca is all the family he had left, so he came here. I hate to tell you this, Charlie boy, but the only person Rebecca wants in her life in that way is you."

  Charlie half rose out of his chair. He glared at Jocko. "You fool. How can you say that? You have seen what my body has become. How could anyone ever want to touch someone who looks like me? Let alone a gentle, sensitive lady like Rebecca. Jesus Christ, Jocko. Before Rebecca, the only ones who would touch me were whores, paid to be discreet and responsive. She wanted me, not this mangled excuse for a body. What am I supposed to do? Limp up to her and make love? I cannot even make it to the door right now, let alone up the stairs. And when I do, and I see revulsion and pity on her face, what then? What of my children, who will only know a Papa who limps around, cannot teach them to ride, to hunt, to shoot –– to be men and women of pride? What pride can a cripple teach them? How am I supposed to run this farm –– from a chair? Jocko, I have nothing left to give them. Let me go."

  "You do not remember, do you? You do not remember Rebecca being at your side in camp, do you? She performed surgery on you, Charlie, when Elizabeth was far too exhausted to do it properly any longer. That lady took those instruments in hand and took care of your wounds. She knows what you look like, Charlie, and she has not shied away from it yet. As for your children, Christ! Em only wants her Papa; she could not care less about your wounds. Your boys will grow up with it. It will be normal for them, as normal as you will allow it to be. Dr. Walker believes you will ride again, if you get off your lazy, feeling sorry for yourself arse and do what you are supposed to do to get better. There is nothing we can do to help you if you will not help yourself first."

  Charlie only caught the first part of Jocko’s speech. He was stunned. "She was there? I thought I was dreaming? She was the one who…… Oh, God. I have been such a fool. How did she get there? What happened? You have to tell me, Jocko. How bad a mess have I made of things?"

  Jocko's brow lifted slowly over his eye, creeping up his forehead and he put his fists on his hips. "Oh, so that is how it is? I see. Yes, she was there. Elizabeth sent for her when we thought you were going to die, but she came, resolute that you would not die. She even came up with the treatment for the infection that nearly cost you that leg you were so worried about. She stayed by your side until Elizabeth put a sedative in her tea to make her sleep. She never turned away from you. Then she brought you home and wanted to help you get better and you turned her out, Charlie boy. You drove her away." He sighed, putting his hands to his sides. "All you have to do is ask to see her and she will be here. Yes, Charlie, you have bloody well made a mess of things, and you are damn lucky you have a forgiving woman in Rebecca, cause if it were me, right now, I would let you rot." More softly, he added, "Charlie, she only wants you."

  Charlie looked down at himself, dressed in a dirty nightshirt, shoeless, and probably smelling a bit ripe since he had refused Jocko’s assistance in bathing. "Jocko, can you help me get cleaned up a bit?" Charlie looked pitiful, lost and confused, and very ashamed, but somehow more himself than he had been in days.

  "It would be my pleasure. It is good to have my friend back. I did not much care for the fool who had taken his place."

  Charlie was shaky, but game. "Neither did I."

  --*--

  Getting Charlie cleaned up was more of a project than either man expected. By the time they were through, he was shaved, smelled good, and was dressed in a loose pair of trousers, a shirt and his robe and slippers. He was also exhausted. But he was also determined to begin the process of making amends with his wife and daughter.

  "Jocko, how am I going to get up the stairs? I can barely stand for a minute, let alone walk."

  "Wait just a moment." Jocko stepped out of the office and across the hall to the kitchen, where he found, as he expected, Reg chatting with Sarah as they washed the supper dishes. "Reg, come with me for a moment." The two men essentially picked Charlie up in a sling made of their arms and carried him up the stairs to the door of the back parlor. "Well, Charlie boy, from here you are on your own."

  Reg laid his hand on Charlie’s arm. "Wait a moment, sir." He scooted to the large umbrella stand by the front door and pulled out an old cane, left by some absentminded visitor years before. "This may help."

  The two men stepped back from Charlie and watched as he cautiously knocked on the parlor door.

  Rebecca looked up from little Charlie's slumbering face. She was cradling one son, while the other slept near by and Em slept on the couch. After her outburst and when Elizabeth finished with her hand, she had felt an overwhelming desire to be close to her children. "Come in."

  Charlie opened the door and then switched the cane to his good hand. Slowly, he shuffled into the parlor, and then just stood there, looking at his family. He looked into Rebecca’s eyes, trying to find words. "I am so, so sorry."

  She stood, being very careful of her son, and walked to Charlie. She was not sure what to say to him; a wrong word might set him off again. "I love you."

  "I love you. I just did not know…… I think we need to talk." Charlie stopped, unable to continue in the face of his own overwhelming stupidity. "Can I sit down?"

  "Of course." She smiled and moved so he could get to the closest chair. "I am sorry, too."

  Charlie gingerly settled himself in the chair. "I dreamed you were there."

  "It was not a dream. I was there." She sat down in the chair across from him, taking the time to place little Charlie in his cradle. "I came as soon as Elizabeth sent for me."

  "Jocko said you did surgery on me."

  "Well, I doubt Elizabeth would consider it surgery, but I did tend to your wounds, helping to get rid of some of the infection."

  "So you have seen how bad it is?"

  "Yes." She nodded, never taking her eyes from Charlie. She did not want him to think she was repulsed by him. "I have."

  "And you do not find it repellant?"

  "No." She moved from her chair and settled at Charlie's feet, gently resting her hand on his good leg. "I love you. What matters to me is that you are alive. That the war is over and you are home."

  "I cannot be what I was."

  "Which was? Do you mean to tell me that you can no longer love the children or me? That we can no longer have long talks and plan our future? Do you think so little of me that you think I base my love of you on the fact that you could run the circuit of my farm? I always wondered what sane person would want to do that anyhow." She gave a smile, trying to make him understand what was truly important to her.

  Charlie bowed his head. "I have hurt you and Em very badly."

  "Charlie, it is nothing that cannot be fixed. We have just been so worried about you. Em only wants her Papa. She thinks you do not love her anymore." Tears filled Rebecca's eyes. "She is just a little girl, she does not understand."

  Very tentatively, Charlie reached his hand out to touch Rebecca’s shining hair. The soft texture between his fingers nearly broke his control. "I think, perhaps, you do not either."

  "I want to, Charlie, but you have to be willing to talk to me. I cannot understand anything if you stay locked away in your office."

  Charlie took a deep breath. "Rebecca, I know I may not deserve it, but I want to come home –– really come home. If you will have me and all of my melancholia and my overblown sense of honor."

  "You are home. You always have been. You just needed to find it for yourself. I do not know what brought you from the office, but I thank God it happened. I love you, Charlie, and the children and I need you here with us."

  "Well, beloved, you should be very nice to Jocko, who went out of his way to tell me exactly how big an idiot I have been."

  "Then I will see to it he is properly rewarded. I know you have a long way to go, Charlie and I want you to know I am prepared to walk that road with you."

  Charlie lifted the hand that was resting on his k
nee and raised it to his lips. Very softly and very reverently, he kissed her hand. "I love you, Rebecca. And I have found that I need your love and happiness more than anything in the world. For a while, I was willing to die in the hopes you would find someone to be happy with –– I thought that your cousin was courting you. Jocko made me realize that it takes a lot more courage to be willing to live so that you will be happy."

  "That is exactly what it will take to make me happy. Do you know, if you had died, there would never have been another for me? In you, I have found my life and my love. You are all I want."

  Charlie reached out to her and cupped her cheek in his good hand. "And you are all I ever dreamed of and more. I do love you, darling. I never wanted to hurt you. Can you forgive me?"

  "Of course. I am just happy to have you back. Now if you are up to it?" She glanced to Em who was sucking on her thumb as she slept on the couch.

  "Oh, Lord. Poor Em. Rebecca, how much have I hurt her? I heard her crying outside the door, and I tried to get to her, but I just could not –– I did not have the strength."

  "I think all will be forgiven if you will see her now."

  "Can you wake her for me? I would love to hold her, but I, um, well, just getting here pretty much took everything I have."

  Rebecca smiled and moved to the couch, where she gently ran her fingers through Em's hair. "Wake up, my little darling, there is someone here to see you."

  Charlie sat in his chair, smiling gently at his daughter. "Em? Come sit on Papa’s lap –– but be gentle, please."

  Em lifted her head and a smile broke across her face. "Papa!" She climbed down from the couch and, with help from Rebecca and another warning to be careful of Papa, she was where she most wanted to be, in her Papa's arms. "Papa." She cuddled into him. Her weight on his injuries was excruciatingly painful, but he bore it with good cheer. Em’s well-being was far more important.

  "Hey there, little one. How is my good girl?"

  She did not respond. She just cuddled into his lap and kept saying, 'Papa' over and over again.