Playing for Keeps

by Hill, Jamie

"They said it didn't concern me. All this time, I thought you ran away with him."

  She looked into Matt's eyes. "I definitely did not. They broke us up for good that night. I never saw him again."

  "Never?"

  She shook her head. "It hurt really bad, too. I loved him a lot."

  "We thought you loved Alec."

  She rubbed her hands over her face. "No, I just used Alec. He liked me, he let me use him, but I take the blame. It was my fault he was in that spot that night."

  "It was an accident." Matt reached out his hand and touched her arm. "I've heard those words a million times today. I'm finally starting to understand what they mean."

  Maddie hugged Matt to her tightly. "I'm so sorry, Mattie."

  He sobbed while she held him. Maddie rubbed his back and let him cry. After a while, he wiped at his face and said, "I'm tired. I think I can finally sleep."

  "Can I get you anything?"

  "No, but thanks. Thanks for being here. I feel better talking to you." He tried to smile, but his lip quivered and he just looked at her. "It took a lot of energy to be mad at you. I really had to work at it."

  She shoved his shoulder lightly. "Jerk."

  He shoved her back. "I know you are, but what am I?" He walked to the door. "Thanks, Maddie."

  "Goodnight, Matt." She got back into bed after he left. Her heart felt a little lighter. She tried to figure out what still weighed it down, but fell asleep before she could.

  Condolence calls, flowers and food began pouring in the next day. Maddie tried to keep everything organized. The rest of her family still walked around dazed. Marsha had yet to get out of bed. Maddie took a minute to phone Rob before she got too busy.

  "Hey sweetie," she said.

  "Hey there, how are you?"

  "I'm okay. How are you and the kids?"

  "We're fine. We miss you."

  "I miss you, too. It's creepy around here. People bring food, flowers get delivered, and everyone sits around in a fog. I haven't even met Marsha yet. She's still in bed."

  "How are things with Matt?"

  "We had a good talk last night. This accident has given him a dose of perspective, I guess."

  "Good. Rotten way to get it, but good."

  "I know what you mean. Well, I should go. I'm trying to keep things organized here. They're talking about Monday for the funeral, with a family visitation Saturday night. If so, I'll probably be home Tuesday."

  "Keep me posted. I love you, Madison Cooper."

  "I love you too, bestest husband in the whole wide world. I'll talk to you soon."

  Marsha finally made it downstairs at noon. She and Matt had to meet with the funeral director at one, and Matt wanted her to try and eat something before they left. Maddie watched them in the kitchen, but didn't go in. She wasn't sure when she should introduce herself, but the timing needed to be right.

  Marsha looked dazed and distraught like Matt. She had short dark hair, and was rather pretty. Maddie looked at all the family pictures in the living room. Both little girls had curly red hair and freckles. Melanie was five, she was told, and Marcy four. They were cute, but they didn't look like her kids at all. Even Stacie with the red hair looked definitely different than these two. Maddie ran her hand over a picture of Marcy, and touched her face.

  "She loved clowns." Matt stood behind her and looked at the picture. "She was a clown for Halloween. She was last year, too."

  Maddie smiled. "My whole family dressed like clowns for Halloween last year."

  He grinned. "I'd like to see a picture of that."

  "Rob won't let me show them. He says he must have been drunk to let me dress him up like that."

  Matt nodded. "Did you dress up this year?"

  "Yeah. Wizard of Oz characters."

  "No pictures again?"

  "Not of the scarecrow. The rest of us didn't mind."

  He smiled at her. "I'd like to meet your husband."

  "You will, when the timing is better. I'm afraid I don't have that luxury with Marsha."

  "It's okay." He motioned to the kitchen. "Come in and say hi."

  Maddie walked into the kitchen where Marsha sat staring at some toast.

  "Marsha, this is my sister, Madison. Maddie, this is Marsha."

  Marsha looked at her dully and Maddie tried to smile. "Hello Marsha. I've heard so many good things about you."

  "Hello," Marsha finally said.

  Maddie understood Marsha couldn't return the pleasantry. "Please know I'm here if there's anything at all I can do for you, or if there's anything you need."

  "Thank you." Marsha stood up, shakily. "We should probably go."

  "Yeah, okay." Matt took her arm.

  Marsha looked at him. "Have you talked to Melly today?"

  He nodded. "She's fine with your parents. Well, she's not fine, but she's doing okay. You know. Did you want to talk to her?"

  Marsha shook her head. "Not yet. I can't."

  "Okay." He got their jackets and led her out. "We'll see you later," he told Maddie.

  She nodded. "Yes, later." She picked up the breakfast dishes and put them in the dishwasher.

  Meg came into the kitchen. "Let the maid do that, Maddie."

  Maddie smiled at her mother. "Then what am I supposed to do?"

  "Come shopping with me. I need new dresses for the funeral and visitation."

  "Okay," Maddie shrugged. "Matt and Marsha will be gone a while. I guess we could go."

  "Matt told me you two had a nice talk last night."

  "We did. I feel better about things. I think he does, too."

  "Good." She put her arm around Maddie's shoulder. "So how are you fixed for funeral clothes?"

  Maddie shrugged. "I have the one black dress."

  "Let's see if we can't find you something new and pretty for the visitation. I bet you don't shop for yourself much these days."

  "I can if I want. We have the money. We just don't get that dressed up at home."

  "Well come on. I always liked shopping with you."

  "Me too, Mom." Maddie smiled. She grabbed her purse and they left.

  Later, Maddie remembered why she enjoyed shopping with her mother. Meg encouraged her to buy all sorts of things because they were cute or a good color or because they looked good on Maddie. She ended up with two new dresses, a casual pants outfit and a new classic wool jacket.

  "How are you fixed for shoes?" Meg asked.

  "I'm fine," Maddie assured her, but they ended up with two new pairs and four pairs of stockings. "I never wear hose at home, Mother," Maddie said.

  "Well, you'll need some this weekend."

  "Four pairs?"

  "In case of a run. Better to be safe."

  Maddie thought about arguing but gave in, and gave in again when her mother insisted on paying for everything.

  On the way home, Maddie said she needed to stop at a drugstore. She bought a pregnancy test and some sinus medicine. After she'd paid, she stuck the pregnancy test in her purse and left the sinus medicine in the bag as a cover.

  "You feeling okay?" her mother asked.

  Maddie showed her the medication. "It helps with my headaches."

  Meg nodded, and didn't say much. They got home and Maddie thanked her mother for all the purchases, taking everything to her room. She shoved the pregnancy test deep in a drawer to use first thing in the morning.

  Maddie pulled boxes off the top, highest shelf in her closet. She found the one she was looking for, filled with old birthday cards and notes she'd saved. Tucked way down in the bottom was a scrap of paper with a name and New York phone number. She pulled the paper out and rubbed her fingers over it. Standing up, she tucked it into her wallet. She didn't know if she'd need it, but she might. After putting the box away, she glanced through a few odds and ends in her closet. Some day, when she was here with more time to spare, she needed to sort through all her old junk.

  Marsha slept all afternoon and Matt spent a lot of time with his father. Maddie helped her mother
in the kitchen for awhile, then tried to take a nap. She had a decision to make, and it tormented her. She couldn't rest, and finally got up. She decided to take the pregnancy test then. If she wasn't pregnant she wanted a drink. Supposedly the first urine of the morning had more of the pregnancy hormones in it so she didn't know if she'd get an accurate test result or not. I can always take it again if I'm not sure.

  The bright pink result left no doubt in her mind. She smiled to herself, fairly sure that Rob didn't suspect anything this time. She hadn't been quite as sick, and she'd managed to wait until he was out of the house before she threw up those mornings she did. She rubbed her stomach and thought how often Rob would do that until the new life arrived on the scene. He was totally enthralled with Stacie's pregnancy, since he'd missed Sam's. Maddie knew the first thing he'd do was kiss her stomach and start talking to 'the new baby'. She enjoyed the prospect of telling him the news.

  There was a knock at her door, and she said, "Come in."

  Matt stuck his head in the door. "Mom says there's plenty of food, if you want to come down and scrounge for something. The neighbors have been going crazy with casseroles."

  "That's nice. I'm really not very hungry. I was thinking a drink sounded good, but I suppose I'd better not."

  "Aw, come on." He encouraged. "I thought we might get shit-faced together for old times sake."

  Maddie laughed. "I never recall getting 'shit-faced' with you, big brother. You were too busy being Big Man on Campus to drink, weren't you?"

  He laughed at that. "Is that what you thought? I drank a hell of a lot in college."

  "How did I not know that? And how did you keep your grades up? Mine sucked when I partied."

  He leaned against the wall. "I don't think you and I 'partied' in the same way. I drank. You, well, if the smell in this room after that first Christmas vacation was any indication, you were into other things."

  "What are you talking about?" Maddie acted shocked.

  "I might have asked you for a hit if I hadn't been so chicken. I was always afraid to try anything stronger than liquor."

  Maddie rolled her eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about. I was a good girl."

  "Yeah," he snorted. "Well, come down to eat if you're hungry. Come down to drink if you're not. I'll see you later."

  She smiled once more and he closed the door. She thought back to her first Christmas home from college, when she'd smoked more dope than at any other time in her life. She wondered if Matt was the only one to realize it. Probably not, but surely her parents would have said something if they suspected. They were not the type to let things go unspoken.

  She curled up on the bed and thought about what she had to do. What I want to do, more precisely, because she really wanted to do it. The decision suddenly became simple. She'd borrow her mother's car and drive to Cambridge the next day.

  Maddie dressed carefully on Saturday morning. She wore the stylish navy dress her mother bought her, with hose and high-heeled shoes. She applied her make-up and fussed with her hair until she thought it was perfect.

  She tried to call Rob, but got the answering machine. She left an, 'I love you,' message to them all, and said she'd try back tonight. She found her mother sipping coffee in the breakfast nook.

  "Good morning," Maddie said.

  "You look lovely this morning! Where are you off to so early?"

  "I need to run an errand. I hate to ask you, but I need to borrow your car."

  "Of course, the keys are on the counter. Take the Lincoln, it's got a full tank."

  "Good." Maddie took a breath and exhaled. "I'll probably be gone most of the day."

  Meg looked at her. "What are you doing, Maddie?"

  "Taking care of some unfinished business, Mother. I've made peace with you and Daddy, and now Matt. I have one more person I need to make peace with."

  Meg stood. "Maddie, no. Don't do this. Your life is going so well right now."

  Maddie chuckled. "I'm not leaving my family, Mother. I just need to see him."

  "How do you know where he is? Maybe he's moved."

  Maddie nodded. "Maybe he has. I'm going to find out."

  "I don't think your father would approve of this, Madison."

  Maddie laughed. "Please, don't start with me, Mother. I wasn't even going to tell you where I was going, except I need your car. I don't give a damn if you and Dad approve or disapprove of what I do anymore. I thought I made that clear when I moved halfway across the country."

  "Oh, I think you care. You're still our little girl underneath all that false bravado."

  "Let's put it this way. I was a child when Alec died. I let you and Daddy run my life for those next six months, and I regret that immensely. I still haven't completely forgiven you for some of the decisions you made 'in my best interests.' I'm trying to resolve those feelings, I really am. I need to do this today."

  "I'm afraid for you, Maddie." Meg looked at her.

  "I'm not afraid, Mom, and I'm not sure why you are. There was never anything to be afraid of. You just never knew that." Maddie picked up the car keys. "I'm not sure when I'll be back. Before the visitation tonight, for sure." She headed for the door.

  "Maddie, keep one thing in mind. If we hadn't done what we did, your life would be completely different now. Think about that."

  She looked at her mother. "I've thought about that a lot. I wouldn't trade my life for anything, but I lucked into it, Mother. It wasn't because of you or Daddy. What you did was take away my right to choose because you thought you knew best. It should have been my decision. Mine and his."

  Meg turned away, and Maddie left. She got in the Lincoln and adjusted the seat and mirrors. She put on her seatbelt and sunglasses, and drove to Cambridge.

  The first thing she did was drive by Nick's old house. It looked the same, but there was a tricycle on the front porch. Maddie suspected he didn't live there anymore. She took a couple of breaths and drove to Dick's Bike Shop. She parked across the street and stared at the building for a few minutes.

  The main garage door was open, and someone was working on a bike inside. She couldn't see who it was, so she decided she'd just have to go ask if they knew where Nick might have gone.

  She walked up to the door, and the mechanic glanced up at her. The sun was in his eyes and he squinted. Maddie stopped in the doorway and inhaled. There he sat, white tank top over black jeans, a red bandana tied around his head to keep the hair out of his face. He looked so much the same, Maddie had to touch the doorway to steady herself.

  She took another step closer. "I hear a girl can get her piano tuned in this joint."

  Nick stared at her, and slowly put down his tools. He stood up and wiped his hands on his jeans. "Holy Mary, Mother of God. Look who's all grown up and walking back through my door."

  "Hey Nick." She stared at his face, a visage that was so familiar to her, except for a few new lines around his eyes.

  "Maddie." He held his arms out to her.

  She flew into them. "I'm sorry, I know you hate tears." She sniffled into his shirt.

  "When did I say that? Obviously before you were dragged away from me and I cried myself to sleep for three months." He held her firmly in his arms, and she finally had to back away.

  She wiped at her eyes. "Three months, huh?"

  He grinned and turned away as he wiped at his own eyes.

  "I can't believe how much time has gone by. You look exactly the same."

  "Older," he added.

  "You don't look it," she repeated.

  He looked back at her. "My God, you do! I mean that in a good way, of course. You grew up good! If you would have walked into the pool hall looking this good that first night, you wouldn't have had to talk me into anything."

  She smiled. "I had to do plenty of talking, if I recall."

  He smirked and walked over to his desk. He started to light up a cigarette, then stopped and asked, "Do you mind?"

  She shook her head, and he lit it.

&nbs
p; "Do you have time to talk? I'm sorry for just dropping in on you."

  "I have time." He nodded. "Everyone else has the weekend off for the holiday. I just needed to get out of the house."

  "Did you move? I drove by the old place and saw a trike on the porch."

  He pointed to a picture on his desk. Maddie looked at the little boy with sandy blond hair and a smile just like his daddy's. "Oh my God, Nick! He's beautiful."

  "That's Tommy. He just turned four."

  Maddie stared at the picture again, and then looked at Nick. "Oh my God," she repeated. She glanced around. The shop looked the same, except for the picture of Tommy and the computer on Nick's desk. "A computer. Dick's Bike Shop leaps into the twentieth century."

  "This is the twenty-first century, sweetness."

  "Nobody gets that joke. You're probably, like, the last business on the planet to get a computer."

  He grinned. "Oh. I get it. Yeah, and don't send me any damn email because I can't open the stupid thing."

  Maddie chuckled. "I won't. We don't have email or a computer. My husband is against technical things, big businesses and what he calls 'the corporate capitalist machine'."

  Smirking, Nick sat in his desk chair. "Your husband. Damn, we have a lot to catch up on." He motioned to the sofa.

  Maddie looked at it. "Oh my God, Nick! It's the same sofa! Hope the FBI doesn't haul it away for DNA samples."

  "They'd only find two. I haven't tuned anybody else's piano on it."

  Maddie laughed and dropped into it.

  "Course, there's a chocolate ice cream stain from my kid. You know how they are."

  "Yeah, I do. I have three. Well, two plus a step-daughter."

  "Three? Holy cow, Maddie. I'm barely surviving with one. How do you do it?"

  She grinned. "I just found out yesterday I'm pregnant again. You're the first one I've told."

  "No shit?" He snuffed out his cigarette. "I'm sorry. Congratulations!" He leaned over and kissed her cheek.

  "Thank you. Rob's going to be very excited when I tell him."

  "How come you haven't told him yet?"

  "He's at home, in Oklahoma."

  "Oklahoma? How the hell did you wind up in Oklahoma? Did your parents ship you off?"

  "No." She laughed. "I moved there to get away from my parents once I mustered enough backbone. They still live in the house in Hartford. I'm here for a funeral. My brother's four-year-old was hit by a car and killed on Thanksgiving."