One Size Fits All

by Courtney Cole

  Don’t laugh.

  Now his belt is a lasso?

  I lose the battle with myself and collapse in complete hysterics. I’m laughing so hard that there is no sound coming out. Without another word I grab my purse and stumble out the door. This shit is too ridiculous. Maybe I should just stick to alcohol.

  I pull up my Uber app and pray that the driver gets here quick. I swear nothing goes right for me. I can’t even have a normal one-night stand. No, I get a fake-ass western Channing Tatum.

  I’d probably be better just going home, putting Magic Mike on repeat and hanging out with my b.o.b. The car shows up and I get in praying that I don’t see Chris at work for a very long time; I doubt I could see him and not remember all the gyrating.

  The ride is quick to my place and I walk in to see Melanie sitting on the couch. “You’re back quick,” she says with a laugh.

  “Um, yeah. Totally didn’t happen. When we got to the apartment he broke out into the cheesiest rendition of ‘Pony’ ever.” I plop down on the couch completely frustrated.

  “Shut up.” She mutes the TV, now ready to give me her full attention.

  “Yup. Cowboy hat, and peen grinding included.”

  She starts laughing as I sit here thinking how pathetic I’ve become.

  I’m so desperate that I almost slept with him tonight.

  “Maybe you should quit your quest for rebound sex. You’ve struck out two nights in a row.”

  “Yeah, tell me about it. At this point I’m just gonna go take care of myself.” I stand up and walk toward my room.

  “Really, Kate? I so did not need to know that!”

  “Just thought I’d warn you to grab your headphones or something. You can be sure that I at least know how to do it.” I wink at her.

  This should be my new motto.

  Why look for someone else?

  Just do it yourself.

  Chapter Five

  I have off for the day tomorrow and I cannot wait. Tonight Melanie, Danielle and I are having a girls’ night. It’s been a while since we were able to because Danielle has been going home to visit her family the past few days off she’s had.

  We have all grown so close over the past year and they’re like my sisters. However if we were really sisters it’d be one messed up family. We all look pretty similar, long blonde hair like we just stepped off the cheerleading team. I’m the bitch of the group, Melanie is the good girl, and Danielle is our brainiac. Which is ironic considering we are all the exact opposites of what we’re assumed to be.

  Dani is taking online courses at the college so she can finish her bachelor’s degree, while working as a brainless flying bimbo every day. I might sound harsh but you should see these girls. I swear the one actually asked me how to spell Christmas around the holidays last year, and it was written on the front of the card she was signing.

  Melanie is stuck too because all the villains really act like assholes. I should honestly have been cast as a villain. Mel barely curses and hates confrontation, so I swear she is the sacrificial lamb of that group. I tell her all the time how we should just switch roles because it would make so much more sense.

  Me, I’ve just been jaded. I’ve gotten screwed over multiple times by jerks, and when I was nice I was constantly taken advantage of. I adapted the bitch attitude to make sure that people knew not to mess with me.

  What’s nice is that when the three of us are together it’s like we can all just let loose and not worry about keeping up whatever mask we wear. I walk into the apartment balancing the pizza boxes as I try to not drop them. I sit them on the counter and see the girls already making drinks. This is exactly what I needed; pizza, drinks, and no peen in sight.

  “You mean you’re actually here and not hunting down some other form of revenge sex?” Dani makes a shocked expression at me.

  “Shut up. I tried, I failed, I get it. Who knew it would be so hard to get laid?” I shrug grabbing myself a plate and a slice.

  “I swear you should have been born a man,” Melanie says as she puts the drinks in the living room.

  “Hey now, there is nothing wrong with a healthy appetite for sex. Where you go wrong is when you start being a slut. I am technically not a slut since I haven’t gotten laid. I might have been aspiring to be one, but I never got there.” Cake boy and cowboy totally turned me off sex for at least a few days.

  “Well, I think you need to find someone outside of the park. There is no one worth anything in that place.” Dani shakes her head. “I swear people come thinking it’s the happiest place on earth and we are all unicorns shitting sunshine and glitter. In all reality there is so much sex and depravity they would probably never let their kids touch a single surface in the whole place.”

  “I just have to say I don’t know how you deal with the girls that you work with. I’d have snapped one of them in half right now.” I take a long drink.

  “Honestly they’re all so stupid and easily confused it’s entertaining. A couple days ago I told Tami that they wanted her to do a meet and greet at point number ninety-three on the map.” She starts to laugh and neither of us really get it.

  “What is ninety-three?” Melanie asks.

  “That’s just it there isn’t one. The idiot was walking around for four hours looking for a place that didn’t even exist.” We all laugh with her, now picturing the lost fairy who can’t read the map.

  “Well at least neither of you have to work with your cheating jackass of an ex. I swear I just want to kick him in the balls every minute I’m within range. That is not proper princess behavior though.”

  “Please, like you could ever be a proper princess if you tried.” Dani throws one of the couch pillows at me.

  “Hey, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m a fucking lady.” I stand up in front of them and curtsy before walking all prim and proper to get another slice of pizza. “Ladies, would either of you be interested in some more sustenance?”

  They both break out in laughter as I walk back to the couch.

  “So what’s the plan? You still hunting down a rebound?” Dani arches her eyebrow at me.

  “Um, no. I think after my luck I’m scared to see what I might encounter next.” I shake my head. “But don’t act all innocent. You remember elephant man?”

  Dani had this guy who was uncircumcised and she said that it reminded her of an elephant trunk and she half expected it to spray like a hose. “Eww. I’m eating, can we not talk about him?”

  Melanie just shakes her head at the both of us. “You guys are insane.”

  “Hey, hey, goody-goody. Don’t pretend like you’ve never been jackhammered. You stuck with rabbit boy for the longest time just because you felt bad to break up with him.” Her cheeks get red. Mel’s last boyfriend got the nickname rabbit from us. Whenever they did it he used to be on top and then lock his fingers together on top of her head. The whole time he would press down on her head while he was going at it almost like using her for leverage.

  “Oh I remember him! We were scared he’d break your neck and you’d end up paralyzed!” Dani shouts.

  “You’re both terrible. James was a nice guy.” She gets up taking her plate inside.

  “Yeah, I bet the chiropractor bills your whole relationship were nice too!” I shout.

  “It was only twice and you guys have never let me live it down!” She groans as she walks back to the couch. She turns the TV on so we can start out hot guy movie marathon. We only pick movies we have seen before though because on nights like this chances are that we’ll be talking through a lot of it.

  This might just be what I needed to make me feel better.

  Not crappy sex.

  Not drowning my sorrows.

  Just some time with my friends.

  Chapter Six

  I’m the only one off today and I laugh as I watch Melanie and Dani getting ready while they’re completely hungover. Each movement causing a groan from one of
them. I have to run some errands today and fill this house with food that isn’t microwaveable or fried.

  “Have fun girls!” I shout as they drag their asses out the door. Been there, done that, and it isn’t pleasant.

  I grab my sunglasses and head out of the apartment. The store isn’t busy which is why I like being able to come now. I stroll through the produce department deciding to get a watermelon. There is a huge bin and I’m not even going to pretend that I know how to pick one out. After doing a quick eenie, meeney, miney, mo I pick one up.

  “Do you mind if I grab your melon?” a voice says close to my ear and I jump. Turning around I see a gorgeous specimen of a man. His hair is brown and a little shaggy on the top. His green eyes are staring at me and they are so bright it’s crazy.

  “Jesus. Sneak up on people much? And you’re not touching my melons, I mean if that’s the best line you have no wonder you’re picking up women in the produce section.” I shake my head at him as I laugh.

  “Well I meant could I see that melon.” He nods to the watermelon I’m holding and I pause for a minute before handing it to him. He spins it around a few times knocks on it, then tosses it back on the pile. “Just like I thought, that’s a terrible melon.” He bends down picking another and I can’t help taking a quick peek at his ass when he does. “See this one, this is a good melon. It’s nice and heavy, and unlike what you might think, it should have a big yellow spot on it like this, not be pure green. Lastly..” He knocks on this one the same way he did with the last. “It should sound hollow.” He places it in my cart and then looks up at me smiling.

  “Um, thanks. So you do this all day? Grab melons from random women and lecture them on proper picking technique?” I cock my head to the side.

  “Nope, only the ones I think are worth talking to.” He leans against the shelves behind him. “My name is Justin, by the way.”

  “Well, Justin, thanks for stopping me from having a mediocre melon.” I push the cart a few steps before I hear him catching up to me.

  “I didn’t get your name.”

  “That’s because I didn’t give it to you.” I smile before continuing to walk.

  “Aw, you’re gonna do me like that? You’ll regret not giving me your name when you’re biting into a juicy watermelon later.” His tongue licks his lips and I can’t help the way it mesmerizes me.

  “My name is Kate.” I walk into the next aisle and this time I don’t hear him following me. I have to admit that I’m kind of disappointed. I was enjoying the banter and he was nice to look at too.

  I make my way through the rest of the store without incident and have no other random strangers correcting my choice in the food I pick up. When I walk to the front and get in line I feel someone standing behind me.

  Turning around I see Justin. “Kate, right? Funny seeing you here.” He smiles again and I return it. He’s persistent, but I like it.

  “Yeah, crazy coincidence huh?” I laugh as I start to put my stuff on the belt. “So you have a reason for hanging around here?”

  “Just helping random strangers with their melons.” He shrugs.

  “Oh, really? See now I thought I was special.”

  “Well, you are because I knew after you I wouldn’t find another perfect melon.” He winks.

  “You know this whole melon pun was funny at first, now it’s just getting creepy.” I swipe my debit card to pay for everything.

  “I have plenty of other puns, let me take you out and I can try them out on you.” He puts my bags in the cart for me.

  “Seriously? I feel like you don’t do this a lot.” I thank the girl before pushing my cart out the doors.

  “So I don’t hit on random grocery shoppers a lot, isn’t that a plus though?”

  I reach my car and he grabs the bags nodding to it letting me know to open the trunk. I look at him and he really is cute. The girls said I should try dating someone outside the park; maybe this guy will be a good start. “Fine. I’ll go out with you.” I grab the notepad I always have in my purse and write my number down then hand it to him. He takes it with a smile. “No melon jokes though.”

  “Deal. Well, Kate, I’ll call you.” He walks away and as I’m getting in my car my phone starts to ring.

  “Hello?”

  “Just wanted to make sure you didn’t give me some bogus number because my melon obsession scared you off.” I laugh. “I’ll text you later.”

  “Okay, bye.”

  I hang up still smiling. Is it possible to meet a cute funny guy and have him not turn out to be a complete jackass?

  I guess we’ll see.

  My phone dings with a text and when I open it I laugh.

  It’s a picture from Justin of some lady holding a watermelon. Under it he wrote “she has no idea that she has terrible melons.”

  I send him a laughing emoji.

  Hopefully he doesn’t turn out to be a serial killer because with my luck I wouldn’t doubt it.

  Chapter Seven

  Normally I would get ready for the day full of contempt knowing I was going to work, but today is different. After work I’m going out with Justin and I’m actually excited about it. We have been texting back and forth the past few days and now I’m interested to see if he is as great as he seems.

  I don’t think there is a message he sent where he didn’t have me laughing, and he didn’t seem to think my goofy remarks were stupid like Jeremy used to. I swear he never laughed, like a statue. For a while it made me question if maybe it was me and I just wasn’t funny, then I realized that I’m hilarious and he just had a stick up his ass.

  I told myself that if I ate the watermelon and it tasted like shit then I wouldn’t go out with him, however it was amazing. Damn him. The girls all laughed when I told them about the way we met. On the other hand they were excited that I was giving someone outside the park a chance.

  “Looking extra fancy today, princess. This wouldn’t be for melon boy, would it?” Dani says with a laugh. Obviously they couldn’t resist the nickname for him.

  “Maybe, I’m meeting him after work today.”

  “Wait, you’re meeting him? He isn’t coming to get you?” I can see her already starting to dislike him.

  “I wanted it that way. If he does end up being some crazy idiot then I have my own car and don’t need to call an Uber like with Cowboy.” I drag the pink gloss over my lips completing the princess makeover.

  “Don’t go in thinking it will suck because then it definitely will,” Melanie says as she walks through the living room.

  “Yeah, yeah. Contrary to what you both think I don’t plan on sabotaging this. I actually like him.” My phone dings and I pick it up seeing that Justin sent me a meme and I can’t help but laugh.

  “Come on girls, I don’t want to be late again,” Mel shouts as she walks out the door.

  “Yes, mom!” I yell back knowing how much it pisses her off when I call her mom. “Meet you guys there.”

  We all head into work and I just hope this day goes by fast.

  ***

  Today has dragged worse than ever before. I swear it was like one problem after another. I actually got puked on today by a kid whose mom forced her over to me in the first place. I don’t do throw up. A part of me was tempted to take the dress off right there and run through the park in just my bra and panties.

  By the time I got a new dress I had to be at the castle for our performance. When I walk up he’s making out with one of the princesses that basically wears a bra and calls it a costume. I don’t want him anymore but that also doesn’t mean that I want him to be happy.

  It was like one temper tantrum, pervy father, and minor disaster after another. I’m just glad to be finally done with today. I slide into my car and check my texts plugging the address Justin sent me into my GPS.

  My stomach totally has butterflies and I can’t help but think that it’s not normal to have them after grade school. When I pull up to t
he place it’s a restaurant called Big Boy. I giggle at the name knowing that I could make so many innuendos when it comes to this place.

  Getting out of my car I see Justin waiting out front. He’s wearing jeans and a T-shirt that show off his muscular arms, which I didn’t even notice that first day. I say a silent prayer that I won’t trip and bust my ass because let’s face it, it’s me we’re talking about.

  “Hey!” He smiles at me. “Hope you have a big appetite since we’re eating at Big Boy.” He winks at me.

  I laugh as I close the distance between us. “You would pick a place that I’m sure has plenty of pun opportunities.”

  “Who, me? Never.” He shakes his head as we walk into the restaurant.

  The host walks us back to a booth and hands us some menus. I really am starving and decide on a burger and fries. The waitress shows up a few minutes later to take our order.

  “I’ll have the cheeseburger with no onions.” If I intend to kiss him at all I need to be smart.

  “Okay, no problem. Would you like extra Big Boy sauce on that?” She smiles.

  Big Boy sauce? Every part of me wants to crack a sex joke right now.

  “I don’t think she does. She’ll be getting plenty of ‘big boy’ sauce later,” Justin says as the waitress’s face turns bright red and she basically runs away from our table.

  My mouth drops open as I look over at him.

  “You have to admit that was funny. I think I might have scarred her for life though. Every time she asks that question she will go through PTSD.” He makes a goofy face and I can’t hold in the laughter that bursts out of my mouth.

  “Is this why you wanted to come here, so you’d have ammo?”

  He sighs. “After only a few days you already have me figured out.”

  The rest of the meal goes great. Justin is one the best dates I’ve ever had. He’s gorgeous and completely hilarious. I could actually see myself liking him, which is so weird to even say after a date.

  I like that he isn’t stuck-up and completely full of himself.

  I think the best part is that I didn’t talk about work or get irritated once through the whole thing. The check comes and I hold my breath waiting for him to pull a cowboy.