No. Please, no.
Gary looked up. "Andrea! Didn't expect you today."
Nobody had, apparently. But here I was. I let my hands brush over the soft skirt of my purple dress for courage and gave him a big smile, pushing aside my worries about the woman. "Figured it was time I came in. More than time." I turned the smile on the redhead, determined not to show my fear. "I'm Andrea Forsythe. Nice to meet you."
She stood and held out her hand to me, so I had to cross the conference room to shake hands with her. As I did, she said, "Tina Cameron. I've heard so much about you. I guess we'll be working together."
She was my opposite, at least physically, but the alarm bells began to subside as I thought about the dates. Alex had met his new woman at work months ago. Tina hadn't been working here when that would have happened. Relieved, and trying not to think about the possibility that she'd simply been in the coffee shop downstairs and their eyes had met over some stale donuts, I said, "It'll be great to have someone helping out." Helping out. Not taking over.
"I'm excited about all the possibilities here. And you got to go to the conference last month, didn't you? Lucky beast. I've wanted to go for years. I hear the keynote speakers alone are worth the cost of admission. Who'd you hear this time?"
Gary gave her a smile I could only describe as fond. "You'll know soon enough. Andrea always gives a full report after conferences." The smile faltered. "Eventually, anyhow." He turned to me. "How are you?"
The tone made it not just a social question, but I wouldn't have thought he meant it that way anyhow. "I'm fine." I made my voice as clear and strong as I could. "I had a rough few weeks but I'm back now and ready to go. No question."
"I'm glad," Tina said before Gary could respond. "I've been looking for a few of your files. Could you walk me through your filing system after this?"
She sounded so sweet and innocent I was positive she didn't realize she'd basically accused me of being disorganized. I almost let it go, but then reversed. "Well, sure. It's alphabetical, though, by client name. What couldn't you find?"
Her cheeks turned a faint pink. "I... Gary asked on Friday for Sizzlewitz or something and I couldn't find him in the files."
Gary laughed. "Sorry, that's on me. It starts with a T, of all things. T-C-I-E and then a bunch of other letters in apparently random order. No worries, Tina, I should have told you."
She gave him a grateful smile, and I made a mental note to watch her. I didn't need her making me look bad, and I felt sure she'd be trying to take the conferences from me. So far, not so keen on my new coworker.
Anna arrived then with the rest of the staff, and after they'd all greeted me more awkwardly than I'd have liked she said, "All right, let's get down to business. Why don't we start with a status update from everyone?"
Going through the nine other analysts took a while, and I was surprised that rather than being bored I felt uncomfortable in the presence of so many people. I'd become so used to staying at home, acting however I wanted, and on three occasions I started to blurt out random thoughts as they crossed my mind. I only managed to stop myself on two of them, unfortunately, and my "Hey, that's a new phone, isn't it?" comment to Gary in the middle of Tina's report raised a few eyebrows and earned me a nod and a finger-to-the-lips shushing gesture from Gary.
Tina wrapped up, then smiled at me. "So, now you can talk. How'd the conference go?"
I cleared my throat, feeling silly after my outburst and sensing that the group was still wondering about me. "It went well, actually. My presentation was very well received, and I had at least ten people say they'd be contacting Anna or Gary for possible new contracts."
"Six have so far," Anna put in.
"Great. I'll follow up with the rest this week, and--"
"You haven't yet?"
I turned to Tina, surprised. "Well, no. I've been away. Plus I usually wait at least a few weeks after conferences to give people time to get settled back into their jobs."
She made a thoughtful face. "I've always followed up right away to make sure they don't sign with someone else. But different strokes for different folks, I guess."
The mental note to watch Tina got circled in red. "So far it's working for me, so I'll keep it up," I said, making sure my voice stayed light. "Other than that, I'll post my session notes on the shared network folder like usual so anyone who's interested can read them, and... and I think that's about it."
I ground to a halt in a way I never had in a real presentation and winced inside. So much for giving a good impression. My coworkers had almost never seen me present; I didn't usually give conference updates to everyone, but just talked to Anna and Gary upon my return, since they'd never been the 'whole staff' meeting types before. Tina's influence, perhaps?
She smiled at me. "I'd love to have coffee with you later if you have time, pick your brains about everything that happened there." She sighed. "Someday maybe I'll get to go."
Gary gave her that mushy smile again. "You never know."
I held my face still with an effort. I'd always been the one to go to the conferences. I had contacts there, and made new connections for the company every time. Sending Tina would be like starting all over again.
A cold shiver ran down my spine. I'd been gone for three weeks, gone with increasingly pathetic excuses. Had they decided to start again? Was I about to lose the only part of my life that Alex hadn't ripped apart?
I'd have to wait and see.
No.
The meeting drew to a close, and as everyone began to leave I said, willing my voice not to shake, "Anna, Gary, could I speak to you for a minute?"
Tina looked back, clearly reluctant to leave, as she exited the room, but at last it was just the three of us.
I took a deep breath. "I owe you both an apology. Being gone for so long is inexcusable." I turned to Gary, who was looking surprised, probably because I'd never been the 'lay the cards on the table' type before. "I know Anna knows about my recent breakup. Do you?"
He nodded. "And I'm sorry."
The sincerity in his voice made the back of my throat tighten, but I swallowed hard and pushed the emotions away. "Thank you. I guess it's obvious that I didn't take it too well, but I am far better now. I want you to know you can rely on me."
Anna nodded, and she and Gary exchanged a glance. I'd never seen one of them make a decision without the other, and even then they made as few decisions as they could. My dad always said a committee was ten men doing the work of one, and I'd amended it for Anna and Gary: they were two doing the work of none most days. They'd both been around forever, remnants of the previous ownership of the company, and while they weren't going to be fired they'd never be promoted either. They coasted through their days, and it occurred to me that my absence had probably made them make more decisions, take more actions, than they'd liked.
Gary nodded at Anna then said to me, "We're glad to hear that. To be honest, we've been concerned about the October conference."
Not as big as the May one, but still vital. I hated to say it but had to ask, "You were considering sending someone else?"
"Tina," he said, confirming my worst fears. "You know she's excited about the possibility."
Before I could tell him I was excited too, he said, "But if you're able to go you're by far the best choice." He glanced to Anna for confirmation, then continued after she nodded. "So we'll send you."
"Thank you."
"Thank you for being so open. It makes it easier to be sure you'll be able to handle it."
I frowned. "You were doubting me that much? This is the first time I've been anything but completely reliable."
"True, but we can't afford even a single screw-up at conferences. As long as you show us you're completely fine now, we'll keep sending you."
No pressure.
*****
I spent the rest of the morning working and trying not to worry about whether I'd soon be replaced by Tina, so when she showed up at my makeshift office a bit befo
re noon and said, "Want to have lunch?" I wasn't exactly in the mood to hang out with her. But since I didn't want to go I made myself accept, while wishing I'd left a loophole in the reversing project for annoying new coworkers.
She suggested the coffee shop downstairs, and while I hated it I knew I needed to get over the memories of me and Alex so I agreed.
As we waited for the elevator, she said, "I love your toenails."
I looked down at the teal polish visible through the straps of my new sandals, which were a little tighter than I remembered and leaving painful dents in my flesh. "Thanks. It's not my usual color choice but I like it. Too bright for my fingers, though."
She held out a hand tipped with pale pink nails then slipped off one of her green shoes to show toenails the color of my cobalt sweater. "Trust me, I get it."
I smiled, willing myself to like her. I'd be working with her, after all, and if she was trying to take my job being nice might make her change her mind. After all, she'd asked me to lunch and that had to be a good sign.
Walking into the coffee shop hurt, since nearly every table had been used by me and Alex at some point, but I made myself keep moving. Rather than my usual sandwich and salad, I scanned the list of hot food and picked the macaroni and cheese I'd heard others rave about but had never tried because I didn't like waiting for it to be dished out. Then I found an iced tea instead of my standard bottle of water and joined Tina and her salad at a table.
"You're lucky you can eat stuff like that," she said, poking at her lettuce. "I'm so sick of vegetables but it's the only way to keep my weight down. I bet you've never had a weight problem, right?"
Did not being able to keep weight on when I was nervous or upset count? I didn't own a scale, but the fit of my favorite jeans suggested I'd lost at least a few pounds since Alex's departure. I made myself smile. "Add it to the list of things you hate about me."
Without smiling back, she pulled out her phone and began punching something into it.
I stared.
She looked up and burst out laughing. "I wasn't doing that! I keep track of my food in here. And I don't have a list. I don't even know you."
I smiled, relieved. "So the list will wait until you do?"
"Yup." She set the phone down. "Nah, I don't think I'm going to hate you. So, tell me about Anna and Gary. They seem sort of..." She waved a hand, searching for a word.
I waited. I wasn't going to jump in and maybe say the opposite of what she'd been thinking. That wasn't the kind of reversal I had in mind.
More hand-waving, then she said, "Clueless?"
I tipped my head from side to side, agreeing without saying the words, then explained how they'd come to hold their jobs. When I finished, she said, "This is great. I don't know how to fit into a place if I don't know what's happened in the past. How long have you been working for them?"
"Four years."
She nodded, then looked uncomfortable. "They said something about your boyfriend. I guess you'd been together a while?"
"Fourteen years."
She dropped her fork. "Fourteen years with one guy? Didn't you get bored? Weren't people saying you'd spent too long with him? I've never made it to fourteen months."
I shrugged, not liking the hint of 'you're boring enough to spend that long with one guy?' in her tone. "I didn't plan it, it just happened. And yeah, lots of people said that, especially since we were fourteen when we got together. But I didn't care. We were really good together and--"
Tears rushed up and I bit my lip, horrified. I couldn't cry. Not here. Not with her.
She gave me a smile, sympathetic but somehow distant. "They say it takes half the time you were with someone to get over him. No wonder you're not exactly joyful just yet. Let's talk about something else. Yes?"
I nodded, still fighting back the sudden emotion. We had been good together. I'd thought we'd been amazing. Then the rest of what she'd said hit me. Seven years? If I didn't get Alex back, it would take me that long to get over him? I wouldn't be ready for another relationship until I was thirty-five? "I have to wait seven years to be over him?"
She grimaced. "Hope not, for your sake, but it's always been pretty accurate for me. But then, my relationships don't usually last longer than a pair of cheap summer sandals. Which reminds me, where'd those shoes come from? I like."
I told her, and we chatted easily as we ate our lunches. I found myself liking her more than I'd expected. While I still felt like something of an impostor with my flowing dress and funky toenails, she didn't know I'd been different before. I could be myself, my new self, with her. Good thing I'd forced myself past my initial distrust.
When we were putting our trays on the rack, I spotted a woman I'd seen many times before but had never had the nerve to speak to. The tall elegantly curvy brunette always wore fascinating jewelry, and on multiple occasions I'd wanted to compliment a piece but had thought she'd think I was weird. This was a prime reversal opportunity.
I told Tina I'd be back upstairs in a minute and approached the woman, who was busily sorting through a bin of chocolate bars, hoping she'd be wearing something worthy of comment. Sure enough, a gorgeous heavy silver bracelet hugged her right wrist. "Um, excuse me?"
She turned to me, eyebrows raised. She looked so polished that I'd always assumed she was older than me, but up close I could tell we were about the same age.
"I, um... I love your bracelet. You have the best jewelry."
She grinned. "Thank you, I try. This one's hiding a secret."
"Oh, yeah?"
She eased the strips of metal apart and showed me a tattoo of vines around her wrist. "My boss frowns on ink. I've had it a year and she has no idea. Long sleeves or bracelets every day."
I laughed with her then said, "Well, it's gorgeous and camouflaging. Double duty."
"I do love my jewelry. I'm Wendy, by the way."
"Andrea."
She held out that bracelet-adorned arm and we shook hands.
"Nice to meet you."
"You too." Though it terrified me, I added, "Would you have coffee with me sometime this week? It'd be nice to have another friend at work."
She gave a startled laugh. "I love that you've got the guts to come right out and ask like that. If you'll teach me how to do it, then sure."
First, have your boyfriend of fourteen years dump you...
*****
Thrilled with my success at chatting with Wendy, I decided to take an even bigger step.
On the subway home, I would talk to a man.
I'd never looked at anyone but Alex in a romantic way, but without him I was in the land of 'every man is a possibility'. I didn't want to be there. But so far there'd been no sign that I'd ever get Alex back, or even speak to him again, so I would force myself to speak to a strange man now when it didn't matter so I could do it someday if it did. I'd panicked when faced with the cute man at the nail polish display, but maybe if I made the move myself it wouldn't be as awkward.
Wrong.
It was a trillion times more awkward.
I surveyed the people standing around me in my subway car and found a suitable target just a few feet away, reasonably good-looking and not wearing a wedding ring. The last thing I wanted was to interfere in someone else's relationship.
As we lurched along, I devised my plan. I would ask him for the time, and then I would compliment his watch or phone or whatever I noticed about him. If that was the end of the conversation, no problem. Getting one started would be enough for now.
The subway train paused at the next station, and when it began to move again I made my move too. "Excuse me, do you have the time?"
He glanced at me then at his watch. "Five forty-five."
"Thanks. Hey, that's a nice watch. I like how it... um..." Tells time? I couldn't think of anything to say about his plain stainless steel watch.
He looked into my eyes. "Don't bother."
"Don't bother what?"
"Don't bother me. I've spent all d
ay listening to women beg and whine for crap, and I'm not going to spend my trip home listening to you do the same thing."
"I'm not asking for anything! Except the time. I just wanted to be friendly."
"Well, don't." He turned his back on me.
I stood stunned, then realized a pack of teenage girls across the subway car were snickering to themselves. The people nearest me were silent, but the air seemed to ring with their thoughts of, "Oh, the poor girl. How humiliating. She must feel awful."
They were right: I'd never felt so stupid. My cheeks burning with embarrassment, I clung to the pole in the middle of the car and stared at my feet, trying to ignore the girls' laughter and mentally begging the train to hurry up and reach the next station. It finally did, and though it was nowhere near where I wanted to be I bolted in horror.
Chapter Seven
I sat on a bench on the subway platform long after the train had gone, feeling sick and shaky, trying to talk myself out of my embarrassment. I hadn't done anything wrong, or even anything pushy. The guy's weird response was his problem not mine, and those kids shouldn't have been laughing at me.
It was all true, but I still felt awful. I wished I hadn't fled the car. I should have stared those girls down until they felt as uncomfortable as I had.
I shut my eyes and sighed. How, exactly, would that have helped? They'd still have thought I was pathetic.
Which I wasn't. I opened my eyes, took a few deep breaths, and told myself I wouldn't let that jerk's behavior control me any more. I'd made a big step. Sure, it hadn't exactly gone well, but I had made myself speak to a complete stranger. A man. I'd done it once, and I could do it again. I would do it again.
Though I totally didn't want to, I vowed that I would do it that night. I would spend the evening out and about Toronto striking up conversations with ten strangers, five men and five women.
Ten felt like an enormous number, but on the bright side it would keep me from going home. Alex and I had always had dinner at home after work then watched television and snuggled on the couch until bed time or until we decided to go to bed very early and not sleep, although now that I thought about it we hadn't spent a work night that way for quite a while.
A Life That Fits Page 4