Sadness at that flooded me, but I took deep breaths until it passed. Yes, maybe I should have noticed our sex life going south, but we'd still slept together once a week or so, even right before I left for my trip, and I'd known we were both busy so I hadn't thought much of it. Regardless, he shouldn't have cheated. He should have told me what he wanted from me.
I knew what I wanted from me at the moment, or at least what I wanted for me. Going home to the empty apartment tonight would be the toughest alone time I'd had since he left since it was such a break to the routine, and I wanted to protect myself from that. I'd do it tomorrow, but for tonight I didn't want to face it. Chatting with ten strangers would be far less painful and good for me.
So I took myself out for dinner, to a restaurant I'd never tried before, and afterward scanned the street for possible strangers to talk to. When I spotted the adorable fat black cat on a leash, I knew I'd found a great place to start.
"Your cat's gorgeous."
"Thanks," the man said, and the woman added, "His name's Buckingham, but we call him Big Buck."
"I can see why." I squatted. "Hey, Big Buck. How're you doing?"
He studied me with inscrutable green eyes then yawned.
I looked up at his people. "Can I pat him?"
They nodded, and I ran my hand over the thick plushy fur, trying to smooth it where the purple harness around his neck and chest had ruffled it. As a kid I'd been desperate to get a cat but my parents hadn't believed my fervent statements that I'd clean the litter box every day. Probably smart of them, given the disastrous state of my bedroom most of the time. Alex didn't like animals in the house so we'd never had a cat either. Now I found myself wondering what my lease said about pets.
I said over the cat's purring, "I didn't know you could leash-train a cat."
The woman smiled. "He thinks it's his idea. That's the only reason it works."
We talked for a few more minutes, and the woman offered me her card in case I decided to get a cat and wanted help training it. I accepted, we all smiled at each other, and I mentally marked one of each off my 'talk to strangers' list. A nice easy start.
After my experience on the subway I wasn't sure about approaching single men, but as I wandered I offered my assistance to two men with matching 'I love Toronto' t-shirts and French accents who were studying a map and muttering to each other. They were so delighted when I helped them find their hotel that they insisted I take a coupon they'd been given for a free slice of cake at a nearby bakery.
While eating said delicious cake, I started a conversation with three women at a nearby table who were also indulging. When they mentioned they could burn it off at their bellydance class I stretched myself a little further, refusing to worry if they thought me pushy, and asked when and where. Theirs was the advanced class, but they cheerfully gave me the information about Friday's beginners class and I promised I'd go. I'd never been a dancer, though people assumed I was because of my thin body and small build, and the sexy nature of bellydance made it seem like the scariest possible place to begin. So I would begin there.
They left, and I finished my cake then waddled out into the street, stuffed solid. Moving slower than before, I was passing a jewelry stand when I saw a man with earrings in both hands and a confused expression. I cleared my throat, pushing away the memories of my awkwardness with the nail polish guy and the jerk on the subway, and said, "Trying to make a decision?"
He looked up. "Trying and failing."
I smiled. "Who are they for?"
"My girlfriend."
He didn't hesitate to say it, and I liked it. This one wouldn't assume I was after him, or be after me. "Just for a present, or is there an occasion?"
He sighed. "Her grandmother died last night. I know earrings can't fix that but she's always liked the jewelry here so I thought..." He shrugged helplessly.
The back of my throat tightened. So sweet. "I'm sure it'll help. And it's nice of you. So, why these pairs?"
She'd apparently said one was pretty the last time they'd been by, and the other was a perfect match to a necklace he pointed out, which she'd bought from the stand a few weeks back and wore often.
"Then I say the second pair."
"Really? But I know she likes the other one."
"True. But you also know she likes the necklace, and this way she'll know you noticed the necklace."
He considered this then said, "I get it. And I'll get them. Thanks."
I smiled. "No problem. I hope she loves them."
"Me too. Hey, thanks for the help."
I smiled again. "My pleasure."
Moving on, feeling proud of myself for helping and for stretching my wings, I realized I only needed one more of each gender to complete the task I'd set. To my surprise, I didn't want to stop yet. With every successful contact, the memory of the subway guy became less painful.
So I spent the rest of the evening roaming around and chatting up the populace of Toronto, eventually finding myself in an impromptu learn-to-crochet class in a yarn store. The owner was about to show someone else how to do it when I walked in, and I said at once, "Can I try too?"
At first I had no idea what I was doing, but then the starting chain began to come together. The other woman grew frustrated and left fairly quickly, but I stayed for an hour, meeting more and more women as they arrived for their regular Monday 'knit night' and having a wonderful time. By the end, I'd lost count of how many women I'd talked to and I had a good start on a beautiful teal cotton scarf for spring and a deep love for a hobby I'd never even considered trying. I'd had a friend in university who knit, and Alex had carried on like it was the weirdest 'old lady' hobby ever. He'd probably feel the same about me crocheting, but he'd have to get used to it because I liked it. For someone lacking in creativity like me, seeing the ball of yarn gradually becoming an actual object and knowing I was the one making that happen was fascinating.
When the store was about to close, I bought enough yarn for my cotton scarf and more for a winter one and a few more crochet hooks and a pattern book, and was heading for the subway station when I realized I still needed to find another man to talk to. I'd gone well over on the woman side, but I'd only racked up four men.
I went to Starbucks, since talking to men on the subway hadn't worked out so far, and bought myself a caramel apple concoction I'd always wondered about. It was delicious, and I sat sipping, lulled into a daze by the flavors, until I noticed a man waiting for his drink and looking at me. He didn't seem to be seeing me, though.
I drew up my courage and said, "Hi there."
He blinked and his eyes focused on me. "Hi. Sorry, was I staring?"
"I think you were looking through me."
He grimaced. "Probably. Sorry. Hey, can I ask you something?"
I nodded, and he said, "If you were looking to buy a pair of shoes online, would you prefer a site called 'Shoes Galore' or 'Exclusive Shoes'?"
I rested my elbows on the table and looked up at him. "Depends. Do I want something cheap and cute or something special?"
"Let's say something special."
"Then the second one. For sure. The first one sounds like a discount place. 'Exclusive Shoes' makes me picture a store with mostly empty floor space and a few gorgeous things on display."
He nodded slowly. "It doesn't feel like maybe they won't have what you want?"
"Maybe a little. But if they do have it, I feel like it would be perfect."
The Starbucks worker handed over the man's drink, and he thanked her then turned back to me. "And thank you. My business partner's been pushing for the first one, but I was leaning toward the second myself but didn't quite know why. I like your reasoning. My partner will too, and we'll make the site look classy, like those stores you were talking about."
I smiled. "Sounds like a plan."
He set down his drink then pulled a business card from his wallet, wrote on the back, and handed it to me. "We expect to be running within the month. Email me at th
e address on the back and I'll give you whatever pair of shoes you want."
"Thanks, but I didn't really do anything."
He laughed. "You gave my newest business its direction. Counts as 'something' to me. Have a good evening, gorgeous."
And he was gone before I could do anything but blush.
I finished my drink slowly, thinking. Back in high school I'd been more sociable than Alex but over the years I'd adapted to his homebody ways. Tonight had shown me I still liked chatting with people, and I was good at it too.
Before I could change my mind, I pulled out my phone and fired off an email to the bellydance class instructor asking if I could join in on Friday. I'd loved those women's energy and I wanted some for myself.
Chapter Eight
Back at work the next day, I realized my life was splitting into two parts. Outside work, I was doing nearly everything the opposite of how I usually did it. Sometimes it felt strange, and I kept being slapped by how much I missed Alex, but still I was enjoying learning about myself and what I liked and wanted. If asked I'd have said I already knew all my preferences, but I was constantly surprised by how many of 'my' preferences were actually Alex's.
At work, though, my routines enveloped me like a too-heavy blanket, both cozy and suffocating at once. But I couldn't change everything at the office. The structures I'd set up over the years worked, and ruffling them up just for the sake of it made no sense.
I carried on with my same old tasks, watching as I went to see if there were any little details that I could change, until Gary arrived at my conference room. "Doing all right in here?"
I looked up and nodded. "It's a little small but it's fine."
"You're not that big yourself so I guess you're in proportion to it."
He laughed. I hated jokes about my size but forced a smile because he was my boss. The smile faded, though, when he added, "I really like that jacket. Am I allowed to say it's sexy?"
His tone said he wasn't really asking, and I knew I wasn't supposed to answer. I was supposed to simper and say thank you. But an unexpected anger zipped through me and I answered. "Not really. And if you think it's too sexy for work I won't wear it again."
He took a step backward as if I'd pushed him. "I didn't say too sexy, I just... look, I'm sorry. I won't bring up your clothes again. She said... I just thought..." He shook his head. "It's a nice bright pink, that's all. Cheers up the office."
I felt bad for making him uncomfortable, but then calling my jacket sexy had made me uncomfortable so I figured we were even. I made myself smile, though, not wanting bad feelings between us. "Cheering up the office is a good thing, right? I'll wear the jacket whenever it seems like the place needs some cheering. Deal?"
His smile seemed as forced as mine had been. "Deal."
He left, and I leaned back in my chair and sighed. He wasn't being a slimeball, not really. He was just complimenting me. Why had I felt such a strong need to shut him down?
Past clothing discussions with Gary flashed through my mind. The time he'd teased me about a skirt I'd bought that turned out to be slightly see-through. I'd never worn it again, not even with a slip, because I'd been sure he'd remember and tease me again. The time a coworker had commented on how I always wore high heels and Gary had said, "Plus it makes her calves look great," after I'd explained that I felt too short otherwise. Not to mention the silent ones, the many times I'd caught him staring at my chest or felt his eyes on my behind as I walked away.
I hadn't consciously thought of any of those when he'd mentioned my jacket, but on some level they'd all come together inside me. That was why I'd felt the anger, why I'd had to shut him down. My intuition knew it was necessary.
I'd thought I had no intuition. Maybe the reversing project was proving me wrong.
*****
"No mac and cheese today? I thought you loved it."
I set my toasted club sandwich on the table and sat down across from Tina. "I did. But I'm doing this..." Did I want to tell her? I wasn't sure. "...thing."
"Okay," she said, her face solemn. "Whose thing? Is he cute?"
It took me a second to realize what she'd said, then we laughed. "Nobody's thing, trust me. It's a... reversing project, I guess. I take the little things, and the big ones too, in my life, and do them differently. I figure I need to change myself and this seems like a good way."
I also hoped it would get me Alex back, but I didn't want to say so and sound desperate. He'd been gone for nearly a month and my pain had barely begun to heal. I still found myself expecting to see him when I walked into the apartment, still had to stop myself filtering every decision and action through how he'd see the situation. I hated it but there it was. I'd gone straight from my parents to Alex and I'd never been an adult in charge of myself. I didn't even know how. All I knew was that I needed to be my opposite and the reversing project seemed like my only chance.
"And now I seem drawn to what I need to do. Talking to people who need help, responding differently to comments, that sort of thing. I'm picking up on stuff I didn't see before."
"That makes sense."
"It does? How?"
She shrugged. "It's all that law of attraction stuff, isn't it? What you need comes to you when you need it and you just have to take it."
That wasn't how I felt at all, but before I could say so she said, "It's a neat idea. How'd you come up with it?"
I told her about Bob the pizza delivery guy's near-fatal heart attack, and she shivered. "Stuff like that's so creepy. See? He could have asked any of his customers but he asked the one person who'd know how to help. It's exactly the same thing."
I nodded, and she said, "And I guess you could probably use a fresh outlook on life, right? Given... recent changes."
"Yup. So far it's been working pretty well. I've tried a bunch of things I'd never tried before, talked to a lot of people... but it's tiring too."
"You're trying to reverse everything, right?"
"Mostly. I'm hardly going to go be a hooker just because I've never done it before."
She laughed. "Yeah, probably not a great plan. Have you thought about changing fewer things but making them bigger ones?"
"Might work. The really big ones are tricky, though. I mean, I wouldn't move to a new apartment just for the sake of moving."
Tina went on but I was lost in my own mind, surprised by what I'd said. I hadn't even thought of it, but I could. I could move, not for the sake of moving but for my own good. I could pick up and relocate my life, and it might be a lot nicer than staying where Alex had dumped me, staying with all those broken memories that made being at home at night painful.
"Right?"
I blinked. "Sorry, I was thinking about moving. What did you say?"
"I said I couldn't stay in a place where I'd been with an ex. So maybe we're on the same page there."
"Could be." I'd think about it later. "But besides that, I don't think I have any big changes I could make."
She picked up her drink, said, "New job?" and took a sip.
I shook my head. "I'm happy." Except maybe for Gary. But even he wasn't all that bad.
"But it's been years. Not wanting a change yet?"
"Nope." I felt uncomfortably sure she wanted my job, so I decided to be clear. "I'm happy. I'll probably tweak a few little things, use green pens instead of blue or something, but this is where I want to be." One area of constancy in an ever-reversing life.
She smiled, not looking like she'd hoped I'd march out of the coffee shop and quit on the spot. "Cool. I can see why. I like the job too. So, listen. Can I join the reversing project?"
"How could I stop you?"
She laughed. "Guess you couldn't. But I was thinking we could do it together."
My immediate inclination was to say that'd be great. I had to say that, didn't I? Where did I get the right not to let her take part in it? "You know what? I'm not sure."
She looked surprised.
"Sorry, I don't mean to be rude. I
t's just, it was just me from the start. Give me a second to think about whether I want to keep it that way. You can do it yourself, of course, but whether we do it together..."
She still looked surprised but she said, "Hey, no worries. I need to grab a coffee. Want anything?"
I declined and she left, and I sat thinking. Did I want to share it? I could have told her how embarrassed I was by the subway jerk, and then also shared the fun of talking to the couple with the fat leashed cat. The bad parts wouldn't seem so bad when we laughed over them, and the good parts would be even better. Plus, even with my occasional fears, which didn't seem to be based on anything significant, that she wanted my job, I liked Tina and it seemed that she liked me. We could become good friends by doing this together. Other than Wendy, with whom I'd had a few coffees and was gradually developing a bond, Tina was my only real friend at the moment.
She returned and I said, "I'd love to do the project with you if you'd still like to."
"For sure. So, are we going for reversing absolutely everything? All the time?"
We talked it out for a few minutes and eventually decided that wasn't sustainable. There were only so many options for lunch at the coffee shop, for example, and while there were lots of other options in Toronto we'd eventually have to repeat. And the same went for all the other possible changes. But we came up with another plan instead, a variation on the original but still a challenge.
"Whenever you get an opportunity for something you wouldn't ordinarily do, you have to do it. Big or small, you have to. If it's different, a reversal, you have to go after it."
I nodded. "No wimping out. We have to push ourselves."
"Exactly. It's like a yoga class for the soul. Lots of stretching."
I laughed. "I hope my soul's more flexible than my hamstrings." I couldn't remember the last time I'd stretched them, or exercised at all. I didn't need to lose weight and I'd never found an activity I didn't hate. Maybe Friday's bellydance class would break that streak but I doubted it. I briefly considered inviting Tina to come with me, but two things stopped me: I'd probably be terribly awkward, and she'd be a million times sexier than me and I didn't want to see it.
A Life That Fits Page 5