True Colours

by Jeanne Whitmee

  ‘Hello, Sophie. You’ve had news?’

  ‘Yes, another offer from the same couple; a bit better this time.’ I named it and added that in my opinion it was near enough. ‘We’re getting into winter now and the agent says the market will slacken off until spring so maybe we’d be well advised to go with this.’

  ‘I agree,’ he said. ‘To tell you the truth I can’t wait to get out of this hole I’m living in.’

  I remembered his resentful remark about me still living in the comfort of Greenings. ‘Where are you living, Rex?’ I asked. ‘You might as well tell me.’

  ‘It’s a grotty bedsit in a Leicester back street if you must know,’ he replied. ‘It wouldn’t be so bad if I had to go out to an office each day. Working from home means I’m stuck inside these four walls twenty-four-seven and it’s driving me barmy.’

  I felt a pang of guilt. ‘I’m sorry, Rex. But it was you who walked out.’ When he made no reply I added, ‘I expect you’re planning to buy yourself a flat with your half.’

  ‘I haven’t got any plans?’ he snapped. ‘Have you?’

  ‘We’ve got the formalities to get through first,’ I reminded him. ‘As we own this house jointly we’ll both have to go to the solicitor’s to sign the papers and so forth.’

  ‘I suppose we will.’

  ‘So, I’ll let you know when and where, etcetera.’

  ‘Thanks very much.’

  ‘Rex.’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Look, I’m sorry – about us and everything, I mean.’

  ‘Right. I’ll hear from you later then. Got to go now, bye.’

  I snapped my phone shut with a mixture of exasperation and despair. Clearly he wasn’t going to give an inch.

  I’d thought a lot about Fran since our last meeting when she’d told me about her teenage pregnancy. I kept meaning to ring her and Katie to arrange another meeting but what with the house sale and talking to Rex I hadn’t got around to it. As I travelled home from school next afternoon it was high on my list of priorities and I decided to ring Fran as soon as I got home. Even if she wasn’t free to meet up we’d be able to catch up on our news, but what was to follow wiped the intention completely from my mind.

  I saw that the red light on the phone was flashing as I closed the front door behind me. There were two messages. The first was from the estate agent asking if the couple who were buying the house, Sarah and John Cooper could come round and discuss fixtures and fittings. The second was from my mother. She sounded fraught.

  Sophie, I thought you should know that your father is in hospital. He had a severe heart attack last night and he is in intensive care. Ring me if you want to see him.

  With my heart beating fast I lifted the receiver and dialled the number. When she didn’t reply at once I assumed that she must be at the hospital and suddenly I remembered that I didn’t have a mobile number for her. She hadn’t mentioned which hospital Dad was in and I began to panic. They’d think I didn’t care and….

  ‘Hello.’

  ‘Mum!’ I was breathless with relief. ‘I’ve just got in and found your message about Dad. How is he?’

  ‘Oh, Sophie!’ She sounded close to tears. ‘I was with him all night but they sent me home to get some rest. He’s on the critical list; breathing with a ventilator and heavily sedated.’

  ‘It sounds serious.’

  ‘It is. Oh, Sophie, I’m so worried. I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose him.’

  ‘Mum, which hospital is he in?’

  ‘You want to see him?’

  I winced at the surprise in her voice. ‘Of course I do. Look, wait there and I’ll come and pick you up.’

  I hastily rang the agent and explained that my father was ill and I’d get back to him about the Coopers’ visit as soon as I could. Then I rang Rex. To my surprise his phone was switched off. So he must get out sometimes, I told myself wryly. Without waiting to change I ran back out to the car and headed off in the direction of Little Penfold.

  Mum looked pale and drawn. She clearly hadn’t slept. In the car she told me what had happened.

  ‘It was last night. We were getting ready for bed. He’d been complaining all evening of indigestion and then just as I was getting into bed I heard him call out from the bathroom. When I got to him he was slumped on the floor clutching his chest.’ She turned to me, her lips trembling. ‘He was in absolute agony, Sophie. I’m afraid I panicked. I didn’t know what to do so….’ She glanced at me. ‘I rang Rex.’ When I didn’t reply she went on, ‘He’s been so wonderful, Sophie. He couldn’t have done more if he’d been our own son. He took over as soon as I rang him, organizing an ambulance and everything and he came straight over.’

  I swallowed hard, resisting the urge to ask why she hadn’t rung me.

  She touched my hand on the steering wheel. ‘It was Rex who insisted that I ring you,’ she said quietly. ‘I wanted to but I was afraid you might refuse to come.’

  Appalled, I glanced at her. ‘Oh, Mum. I’m so sorry, sorry for all the horrible things I said.’

  She patted my hand. ‘No, darling. All forgotten now. Your dad is the main priority at the moment.’

  When we arrived at the hospital Rex was already there and it soon became clear that he’d been at Dad’s bedside since Mum had been sent home to rest. She glanced at him enquiringly but he shook his head.

  ‘No change I’m afraid, but at least he’s stable. They’re talking about a bypass operation when he’s fit enough.’ He glanced at me and reached for my hand. I took it gratefully. The sight of my dad, his pale face distorted by the ventilator and wires attaching him to the life support machine shocked me. I felt shaken but I knew I had to be strong for Mum. She smiled at Rex.

  ‘Thank you for staying with him. Why don’t you go and get a cup of coffee now that we’re here?’

  He nodded. ‘I won’t be far away. Come and fetch me if you need me.’

  We sat beside the bed side by side and after a few minutes Mum reached for my hand.

  ‘Sophie, there’s so much I need to say to you.’

  I shook my head. ‘Not now, Mum.’

  ‘Yes, now,’ she said firmly. ‘There is so much you don’t know. I know that you feel we failed you as parents.’

  I winced, remembering things I’d flung at her the last time we met. ‘No, you – you gave me everything.’

  ‘Except the one thing you longed for – a mum and dad to be with you, to play with you and bond properly. Most of the time we were absent.’

  ‘It’s all in the past now,’ I insisted.

  ‘But it spoiled your childhood, Sophie and we are responsible for that. You’ve grown up bitter and resentful. It will never just be in the past.’ She squeezed my hand. ‘Let me at least tell you how it was for us.’

  ‘Not now, Mum. We’re here for Dad.’

  ‘And this is what he’d want me to do. When he wakes up I’d love to be able to tell him we’re a family again, the family we always wanted to be.’ She looked at me. ‘I’ll be completely honest with you, Sophie. We never intended to have children. You already know that both of us grew up without parents. Your dad never even knew his. He grew up in a children’s home. Mine died before I was five and my grandmother brought me up.’ She smiled wryly. ‘Rather resentfully if the truth be told. It wasn’t a happy childhood. Neither of us ever had any role models. There was never anyone to teach us how to be good parents.’ She shook her head. ‘I know that sounds like an excuse but it’s true. When Dad and I met and married we made up our minds that we’d make a success of our lives in spite of the bad start we’d both had. I’d trained as a hairdresser and your dad was good at business. We opened our first salon and after two years, the second. We were on our way. It was hard work. We worked fifteen hours a day, every day and we decided to forego having a family and concentrate on the business.’ She sighed. ‘Then out of the blue you came along.’

  ‘You didn’t have to go through with the pregnancy,’ I told her. ‘Even
back then.’

  She looked shocked. ‘I couldn’t have had an abortion. I’ve always hated the very thought of it. It was a shock at first but we thought of it as fate, something that was meant to be. I worked in the salon right through to the end.’

  ‘You must have been so resentful,’ I put in, but she squeezed my hand again and smiled. ‘No. Maybe in the beginning, a bit, yes. But as the time went by and I felt you move and kick inside me it began to be the most important thing in my life. And when you were born and your dad and I first held you and saw your dear little face we were both completely bowled over.’ She looked into my eyes. ‘We loved you so much, Sophie. Whatever you think, we always loved you. We always will.’

  I couldn’t speak but I returned the pressure of her hand in mine and after a moment or two she went on.

  ‘I stayed at home with you until you were four and believe me, they were the happiest four years of my life. Then things began to go wrong with the business. We lost one of our salons through lack of trade. It was the late seventies and there was a recession going on. Another of the salons began to go downhill and at last we decided that there was nothing else for it but for me to go back to work – take over and manage the failing salon before it fell apart like the first one.’ She peered into my eyes. ‘I made the mistake of thinking that you didn’t need me any more now that you weren’t a baby, that someone else could take my place.’ She sighed. ‘I was so wrong. But it wasn’t just for our future that we worked so hard. It was for yours too. We desperately wanted to build it all back up for you, to give you the privileges that neither of us ever had.’

  I swallowed hard at the lump in my throat. ‘Things didn’t matter to me though, Mum. I’d rather have had a mum and dad who were there for me.’

  ‘I know darling, but we had no choice. We’d created standards, a lifestyle that we couldn’t bear to give up. We wanted the best for you. We tried to give you all the things that children like, to make up for not spending time with you. Friends had suggested sending you to boarding school but we couldn’t bear to send you away. And we’ve never believed in private education so you went to the local comp. You did well and we were so proud of you. I always believed you were happy there.’

  ‘I was.’

  ‘But not at home – not with us?’

  ‘All those luxuries – they weren’t important to me,’ I told her. ‘They were just things. When other children talked about their parents – trips, picnics and days out at the seaside I boasted about my TV and video recorder, my pretty bedroom and the clothes other girls would have given their eye teeth for. I quickly came to know that I only had to ask for something and it would be mine. I know I became a horrible spoilt brat.’ I looked at her. ‘And that’s something that has stayed with me. It’s why I wanted Greenings so much and why I resented Rex so much because he wasn’t as keen as I was.’

  ‘And it was why you were so resentful when we loaned Rex the money to finish it?’ She nodded. ‘I can see that now, but you know, Rex didn’t come to us to ask for a loan,’ she went on. ‘He came to ask our advice. He said he was worried about you. You were doing far too much and he couldn’t help as much as he’d have liked because he needed to work.’ She smiled. ‘He’s a man, darling. He hated the idea that you were earning more than him. It was your dad who suggested giving you both the money to finish the house. Rex said he’d only accept it as a loan and we eventually agreed that it could be paid back without interest once you were on your feet again.’

  ‘But he did it without consulting me.’

  ‘Because he knew what you’d say. Dad and I were so upset when we realized how angry you were about it. And devastated to think it had caused a rift between you.’ She looked at me. ‘Rex says you’ve asked him for a divorce. Is that true?’

  ‘I asked him if he wanted one.’

  ‘And he said…?’

  ‘He said it was probably the only thing left for us to agree on.’

  ‘I think you both know, deep down, that’s not true. You really should talk to each other.’

  ‘I know.’

  She looked towards the bed. ‘Seeing your dad like this makes me realize that nothing is as important as the people we love. I hope and pray that I don’t lose him, Sophie. If you still love Rex don’t let him go without a fight.’

  I smiled in spite of myself. ‘We’ve done all the fighting.’

  She smiled with me. ‘You know what I mean. Why don’t you go and find him now. He’ll be in the cafêteria downstairs.

  I found him sitting over his second cup of coffee. He looked weary. I sat down beside him. ‘Hi there.’

  He looked up. ‘Any change?’

  I shook my head. Suddenly a huge lump filled my throat and the tears welled up and spilled over. ‘Oh God, Rex, you don’t think he’ll die, do you?’

  ‘No.’ He reached out and took my hand. ‘I spoke to the doctor last night and he said that the sedation is giving his heart time to rest and heal. Once they let him come round and he can breathe for himself they’re going to do a bypass operation. They have a big success rate for those here.’

  I looked up at him. ‘Have you been here since last night?’ He nodded. ‘I don’t know why you’re so good to us,’ I said.

  ‘Geoff and Maggie are part of my family,’ he said. ‘I’d have done it for my own dad.’

  ‘Thank you, Rex. Mum and I have had a long talk. A lot of things are clear to me now. I think we understand each other at last.’

  He smiled. ‘I’m glad.’

  ‘I’ve been an utter cow, haven’t I?’

  ‘You were passionate about the house,’ he said. ‘It meant much more to you than bricks and mortar. And at the time I thought it meant more to you than I did. I didn’t really understand at the time but I can see it now. Oddly enough it was your mum who made me see it.’

  ‘Rex,’ I whispered after a pause. ‘Are we over? Do you really want a divorce?’

  He leaned forward and took both of my hands in his. ‘I’ve never wanted to lose you, Sophie. I love you. What disappointed me was that you didn’t seem to see how much.’

  ‘I love you too,’ I whispered. ‘And I’ve missed you so much.’

  ‘I’ve missed you too, but….’ He paused, his head down and his next words chilled me to the heart. ‘To be honest, Sophie, I’m not sure we can live together any more.’

  I stared at him. ‘Why not?’

  He shrugged. ‘All these past months I’ve felt you slipping away from me. I don’t feel I know you any more. I wonder if I ever really did.’

  ‘I’ve know I’ve been horribly mixed up,’ I said. ‘The resentment I had towards Mum and Dad grew out of all proportion when I was in my teens. For a while I suppose I let it dominate my whole life until it got the upper hand. But now, since Greenings, since you left….’

  ‘That’s just it, Sophie,’ he put in. ‘You’ve got to decide who and what you are and what you want.’ He looked up, his eyes meeting mine. ‘Most important of all, if it’s really me. Until you do I really believe we need to be apart for a while.’

  ‘You look so tired,’ I said, touching his unshaven cheek. ‘I’ve put you through a bad time, haven’t I? I can’t blame you for wanting some time out, but I want you to know that one thing will never change. I love you and whatever happens I always will.’

  His fingers curled round mine and squeezed hard. ‘Well, we’ll see, eh?’

  For a moment we were silent then I said, ‘Look, why don’t you take Mum home and stay the night there with her. You can both get some rest. I’ll stay with Dad tonight.’

  ‘You’re sure?’

  I nodded. ‘It’s what I want to do. I’d like to be there when he wakes up.’

  When Rex and Mum had gone I sat by Dad’s bed and wondered how I could have been so stupid, cutting myself off from parents who loved me, bigoted and blinkered, seeing only my own side of things.

  I woke as a nurse tapped my shoulder.

  ‘We’re going
to take your father off the machine now,’ she said. ‘And bring him round to see if he can breathe for himself. Why don’t you go and get some breakfast?’

  I glanced at Dad. ‘I wanted to be here when he wakes up,’ I said.

  ‘You can come straight back,’ she assured me.

  Stiff with sleeping in a chair all night I stood up and flexed my neck and shoulders. I took the lift down to the canteen and ordered myself some toast and a pot of tea, but all the time my mind was back in the ward, wondering if Dad would wake up and breathe unaided. If anything happened to him I’d never forgive myself for letting him go without telling him how sorry I was. I drank the tea and ate the toast without tasting it, looking at my watch from time to time. As soon as I thought a suitable interval had passed I hurried back up to the ward. The curtains were drawn around his bed but a nurse emerged as I walked in. She smiled.

  ‘There is a distinct improvement,’ she said with a smile. ‘The doctor has been to see him and all being well he’s hoping to operate in a couple of days’ time.’

  Behind the curtains Dad was propped up in bed and awake. His face was pale and drawn but his eyes lit up when he saw me.

  ‘Sophie! Hello, love.’

  ‘Hello, Dad,’ I went to him and took his hand. ‘You gave us all a real scare. How do you feel?’

  ‘In the pink!’ He said with a wry attempt at a joke. ‘I admit I’ve felt better but the quack tells me they’re going to slice me up and put the old ticker back to rights in a couple of days.’

  ‘So I hear.’ I squeezed his hand. ‘Just you get plenty of rest and let them get on with making you well again.’

  He looked around. ‘Your Mum?’

  ‘She was here all day yesterday,’ I told him. ‘So was Rex. I made them both go home last night for some rest but I’ll go and give them a ring in a minute.’ I leaned forward. ‘Dad, I’m so sorry – for everything.’

  He shook his head. ‘Don’t let’s talk about that. Your Mum and I, we made a bit of a hash of things – too busy trying to make a success of the business. Didn’t mean we didn’t love you though.’