by J. A. Owenby
A light knock on my door jolted me from my thoughts.
“Yeah?”
“Hey,” Emma said as she pushed open my door. “How’re you feeling today?”
Emma was using her gentle voice, which meant something was up.
“The same,” I answered and bit my lower lip.
“Well, someone’s here to see you.”
“Who?” I asked and turned to face her.
“Before you say no, I really think you need to talk to him.”
“Who is it, Emma?”
“Walker’s here.”
My mouth dropped open, and then I shook my head.
“No. I’m not interested.”
“You need to see him. Ask him what happened, Lacey. This is your chance to get some answers. I’m telling you, he’s different. You should at least hear him out.”
“I’m different too. I’m not the person he used to know.”
“I can’t even begin to imagine how you’re feeling, but he did . . . Lacey, he saved your life. Don’t forget how much that affected him too. Please, just listen to what he has to say. For me?”
“Fine. But when did you become Walker’s number-one fan?” I asked. I almost surprised myself with the amount of sarcasm that dripped from my voice.
Emma held her hands up in surrender as she backed out of my room. I turned to look out the window again, but I could sense the moment he stepped into my room. My heart split between telling him I hated him and hugging him and never letting go. But the moment that thought finished inside my head, I remembered that he’d married Brittany. I definitely hated him.
“Hey,” he said softly.
My breath caught in my chest at the sound of his voice.
“Hey,” I said as I turned toward him. His blue eyes darkened with concern as they traveled over my face and body. Maybe he’d expected something different, not the dark circles under my eyes and the weight loss.
“I wanted to stop by and see how you’re doing.”
I frowned. How did he think I was doing?
“When did you get back?” I asked.
“A few days ago. I’ve been on the Air Force base in Little Rock.”
I paused as I realized he’d driven almost an hour to see me.
“So, they really arrested you?”
“Yeah,” he said as he ran his hand through his hair. The familiar scent of his Polo cologne reached me, and I stopped myself from inhaling deeply.
“I’m not sure I really want to know, but what happened?”
“What has Emma told you?” he asked as he shoved his hands into his pockets.
“Nothing, really, just that you called her and then flew to Oregon to see me. I guess it was you that got me out of the—the house,” I said as my voice cracked with emotion.
Walker sighed heavily. I wondered if he was reliving those moments like I was. The smoke, the heat of the flames as they grew closer, and my vain attempt to get free from the tape. I shuddered and wrapped my arms around myself. Seeing him again was just a reminder of that horrible night. I didn’t want him here, but for some unknown reason, I couldn’t tell him to leave.
“Can I sit down?” Walker asked, pointing toward the bed.
“Sure.”
“I flew out to Oregon to find you. My divorce had just been finalized, and . . .” his voice trailed off.
“And you thought we could just conveniently pick up where we left off?” I asked, my voice thick with frustration and anger.
“No, it wasn’t like that at all.”
“So, you showing up with Brittany to tell me what a piece of shit I was at the mall that day wasn’t enough for you? You thought you’d just hop on a plane and—and what, Walker?” I spat.
“I get that you’re angry, and you should be. But please, let me at least tell you what happened when I got there. I’m hoping it’ll give you some closure.”
My silence and glare were the only responses I gave him.
“It was late in the afternoon when I landed, and I went straight to the university and found George. I’m not sure how, but he knew who I was.”
I chewed on my lower lip. No way would I admit to Walker that I’d told George about him. I stared out my window and waited for him to continue, and then it dawned on me.
“Wait,” I said. “I know Emma gave you a little bit of information, but there’s no way you could have tracked George down. The university is huge.”
“I had everything I needed before I got there. After I talked to Emma, I hired a private investigator. We had a tough time finding you, but we were able to locate George.”
“Holy shit, are you serious?” My cheeks flushed with anger.
“I had no idea where you were, and Emma couldn’t tell me much. She tried, but you weren’t speaking to her, so I did what I had to do.”
“You had no right!” I fumed at him.
“I know, but if I hadn’t tracked you down, you’d be dead,” he said. He rubbed his face as a frown line creased his forehead.
I clamped my mouth shut as I realized what he’d said was true.
“George said something was wrong and that he was really concerned about you. He told me you were going to leave Xander, but you didn’t show up to meet him and your other friends. When he went to your house to see if you were okay, he said you’d changed your mind and weren’t going to leave. He knew something wasn’t right. I think he actually said he was scared that something really bad was going to happen.”
A tear rolled down my cheek as he talked. The images flashed through my mind: the last time I talked to George, the beautiful spring day, and how I couldn’t force the words out of my mouth to tell him about the baby.
“He gave me a description of Xander and told me how to get to his house. I drove straight there. As I came up the driveway, I could see the flames and smoke. I parked the car behind some trees and ran up the steps. Just as I was about to kick open the front door, Xander walked out with an overstuffed duffle bag.”
My heart pounded so hard my chest ached. He was there. Emma had told me he was, but hearing him say what he saw made it more real. Heart-crushingly real. While he and Xander were on the porch, I was gasping for my final breaths upstairs.
“I asked him where you were and he rushed at me. It was in that split second that I knew you were in the house. I can’t explain it, it was just my gut instinct. I went after him. I mean, I beat the shit out of him. I busted his lip, nose, and eye . . . he was a bloody mess. The moment that bastard was finally unconscious, I ran inside. I pulled off my shirt and covered my nose and mouth. I searched downstairs and didn’t find you. I knew I didn’t have a lot of time. I carefully made my way upstairs and found you in the last bedroom. You were in and out of consciousness when . . . I was almost too late,” he murmured.
I wiped my tears away as he paused.
“You thought I was your mom,” Walker said.
“Yeah, I remember,” I muttered through my tears.
“The fire trucks and ambulance weren’t far behind. I guess neighbors saw the smoke and called 911.”
“I called 911.”
“How?”
“I don’t want to get into it right now. Let’s just finish this conversation.”
Walker paused, studying my face. Then he nodded.
“Right before I stepped outside with you, you passed out. I thought you’d died in my arms. I was shaking so hard I almost didn’t make it out the door. One of the EMTs took you, and another one took me aside and examined me. I watched as they hauled you away in the ambulance. After they’d finished making sure I was okay, I left to find you at the hospital. At that point, I wasn’t sure you were alive. I thought I’d lost you for good,” he whispered.
I blinked my tears away. He needed to leave. I couldn’t handle him being here any longer. He was making everything worse.
“So, what’s your point?” I asked. “Do you want something? Do you want me to thank you?” His eyes were rimmed with red, and I knew mine we
re puffy from crying.
“Lace,” he whispered. He ran his hand through his hair and took a deep breath. “I wanted to tell you that my firsthand account was enough to put Xander behind bars. He won’t be coming after you.”
My jaw dropped as his words sank in. “You stayed to talk to the police?”
“If I hadn’t, you would’ve had to go back and face him in court, and I couldn’t stand the thought of you going through that.”
I stood speechless for a minute as my mind wrapped around the information he’d given me.
“Oh my God,” I hiccupped. “Thank you. I don’t think I could’ve even looked at him again.”
“I know.”
“Were you charged with anything?” I asked as I wiped more tears away.
“No. It was self-defense, so all the charges were dropped.”
I nodded as I walked into my bathroom and closed the door behind me. I needed a moment to catch my breath and process the fact that Xander couldn’t come after me.
I turned on the cold water and splashed my face. A minute later, I opened the door and resumed my place at the window. I dared a glance at Walker. Even though he knew Xander couldn’t come after me again, his face was filled with worry.
“Why did you come to Oregon for me?” I asked as I fixated on the trees outside my window.
“I—I wanted to ask you to forgive me. I made a horrible mistake with Brittany. So much has happened, and I had to see you.”
I didn’t respond. An awkward silence hung in the air between us, and then I heard the springs on the bed squeak as he stood up.
“I’ll go. I just wanted to tell you not to be scared anymore, and that I’m sorry for everything that’s happened,” he said as he walked toward the door. “I guess deep down, I was hoping for a second chance.”
“I never stopped loving you, even when I was with him,” I said softly.
I turned away from the window and faced him. His eyes lit up with hope.
“But don’t come back. I don’t ever want to see you again.”
Walker’s face fell, and his shoulders slumped as he turned and walked down the hall. I closed the door after him, slid down the wall, and crumpled to the floor.
I wasn’t sure how much time passed, but eventually, I went to the bathroom and grabbed my stashed bottle of rum and another can of Pepsi. I filled my glass with alcohol and a splash of soda. I sipped at it as the fizzy bubbles tickled my nose. I wondered if I could sleep tonight without nightmares about Xander. I wondered if seeing Walker was enough to give me a shred of peace, knowing that he’d stayed in Oregon long enough to put Xander behind bars.
Anger coursed through me as I recalled Walker’s words. What had he been thinking? That he’d just hire a private investigator, find me, and we’d live happily ever after? What the hell?
I grabbed the blankets off my bed and sat down on the floor. The corner between my bed and closet worked the best, since I could see if someone walked through my door. One lesson Xander had taught me was to position myself where I could see my surroundings. No one would ever sneak up on me again.
I settled in, drained my cup, and leaned my head back against the wall. My heart ached for a moment at the thought of Walker’s face as he left my room. I knew my words hurt, but I wasn’t kidding. I didn’t want to see him again. I wasn’t sure I could ever forgive him.
My breath quickened as a fresh pang of darkness surrounded me. I hated myself for the things I’d said to him. I hated him for leaving me with Mama. But I hated him the most for saving me from dying.
I peered into my empty cup and grabbed the rum. I unscrewed the lid and took a big drink straight from the bottle. A few seconds later, I took another swig and somehow managed to replace the top on the bottle before I slipped into a fitful sleep.
Chapter 5
I’m not sure how I made it into my bed, but somehow, I’d managed. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and stared into the sunlight that streamed through my curtains. I peered at the clock: 8:11 a.m. Emma had already left for school, or at least I hoped she had.
It was a miracle I wasn’t hungover. I poked my head out of the bedroom door and looked around. I didn’t see Emma anywhere, so I padded down the hallway in my bare feet. The smell of coffee tickled my nose as I made my way into the kitchen and poured a cup. It was still hot. I sipped at the bitter liquid and sat at the kitchen table. My stomach growled, reminding me that I didn’t eat anything substantial yesterday. That wouldn’t go over well with Emma and her parents.
I opened the fridge and almost laughed. Emma had wrapped up my waffles from breakfast and saved them for me. It seemed gross, but it still beat a frozen Eggo anytime. I pulled them out and warmed them up in the microwave. I sat back down and nibbled on one as I grabbed the newspaper. I couldn’t help but wonder if anything had changed in Hot Springs over the last year.
I took another bite and opened the paper to the obituaries. Was it wrong that I wanted to see Mama’s picture and information listed? I tossed my half-eaten waffle onto the plate, disgusted for thinking something so awful. But another part of me wondered if I’d ever really be free of her unless she died. Would she follow me around the country? I had no idea where she was right now. Oregon? Arkansas? And which was worse: sharing a house with her, or being hunted like an animal?
I suddenly remembered that Walker had stopped by yesterday. There was no more Xander, he’d taken care of that. But I struggled with the other things he’d said. Had he really thought that one visit to Oregon would make everything okay between us again? And a private investigator? Seriously? Was I surrounded by crazy people who stalked me?
I struggled to control the ball of emotions before it exploded, but it was too late. I leaned my head back and screamed at the top of my lungs. I screamed until my voice was raw. I screamed at Walker, Xander, and Mama until my voice faltered. Then I laid my head on the table. I couldn’t have stopped the tears even if I’d wanted to.
What if Mama could see me now, broken and terrified to wake up and face another day? She would laugh in my face and cast demons out of me. I could hear her voice in the corner of my mind, and Xander’s wasn’t far behind. I covered my head as I curled up in the kitchen chair and sobbed. I hated them both, but worse than that, I hated myself for being stupid enough to have loved them.
* * *
My rum had lasted for more than a week. Somehow I’d managed to hide it from Emma, but I knew how the game was played. If I didn’t act the part, things wouldn’t go well for me. I wanted to be left alone more than anything, but Emma wouldn’t allow it for long.
I showered and spent fifteen minutes brushing the tangles from my long blond hair. I pondered applying makeup when I saw the dark circles under my eyes. I looked like shit, and my cheekbones were more prominent than they were six months ago. I tossed the makeup back in the drawer and closed it. Screw it. I just didn’t give a rat’s ass.
I dried my hair and pulled it up in a ponytail. I snuggled into the corner of the brown sofa and turned the TV on to the five o’clock news right as Emma opened the door.
“Hey! How are you feeling?” she asked and grinned. She was probably happy to see me out of bed. She set her purse and keys on the kitchen table.
“Okay,” I said and attempted a smile.
“I figured you needed your sleep, so I tried to be quiet around the house.”
“I appreciate it,” I said. You would think Emma was my mother the way she acted.
“So, can I ask how things went with Walker yesterday?” Emma asked gently as she sat down next to me.
“Ummm, no.”
“Really? You won’t even tell me why he stopped by?”
I bit my lip and frowned. I really didn’t want to talk about it. “He was held for questioning and released, but then he stayed behind to give his witness testimony against Xander. He wanted to let me know that the information he gave to the police was enough for them to charge him. He didn’t want me to have to go back and testify.”
“Yeah, I guess I hadn’t even thought about it. When we left Oregon, we didn’t know where Xander was. I’d hoped hell, but I wasn’t that lucky. I’ll take jail for now. How were your classes?” I asked, changing the subject before she could say anything else.
“Good, I’m almost finished. I can’t believe it. I begin shifts at the hospital in a few weeks.”
“Wow, that’s fantastic. I’m happy for you,” I said, smiling.
Emma turned toward me as she propped her head up on her hand. I recognized the expression on her face. She had something important to say.
“Well?” I asked.
Emma sighed.
“As you say, spill it,” I said and motioned with my hand for her to talk.
“I have to go out of town for a week.” She waited for my reaction. I’m not sure what she expected, but this was the best news I’d heard in a long time.
“Why?” I asked.
“Well, I’ve been selected to participate in a nursing program in Kentucky. Only the nurses with honors get the chance to participate, and even then, you have to be chosen by a panel.”
“What happens if you don’t go?” I wasn’t sure why I asked her that. I wanted her to go. I would have the house to myself for a week, without her watching my every move.
“If I go, it puts me ahead in multiple ways, including pay. I want to go, but I’m worried about you.”
“That’s sweet of you, but I’m here. I’m okay. I can make it for a week. We spent almost a year apart, and I managed to stay alive. Barely, but I made it.” What the hell was wrong with me? How was I poking fun at almost dying?
“I’ll have Mom and Daddy check on you.”
“Emma, I’m grown. Besides, you’re going to be too busy to worry about me. I promise to call your parents if I need anything, but I doubt I’ll even leave the apartment.”
“I don’t know,” Emma said as her eyebrows knitted together.