by J. A. Owenby
“How was your birthday weekend?”
“Good and bad all at once. One of my friends from Oregon came to visit.”
“That’s great. Did you know they were coming?”
“No, Walker surprised me and paid for George’s ticket,” I said as I walked to the office and grabbed the files I needed. I sat down on the love seat. Jared joined me as I rifled through the paperwork.
“George?”
“Yeah. We went to school together out there. He’s one of my best friends.”
“That sounds like a great weekend. What was bad about it?”
I paused. I couldn’t tell him about me freaking out on Walker. Or how confused I was about my feelings.
“George leaving,” I muttered. “I cried when I saw him, and I cried when he left. He was a part of the . . . he knew Xander.”
Jared’s jaw tightened. “You doing okay?” he asked.
“No. I’m not today,” I said and sighed. “It’s like my skin is crawling and I have all this shit running through my head, and I can’t make it stop.” Frustration filled my voice. “I don’t know how to make it stop.”
“We’ll train this morning. That’ll help. You can do the paperwork later.”
“You sure?”
“Yup. Let’s go downstairs.”
“Thank you,” I said as I put the stack of papers on the kitchen table and followed him.
* * *
Thirty minutes later, I was sweaty and sore from punching and blocking Jared. He’d raised the intensity of our training and now he resisted me more. I swept his legs out from under him and tossed him down on the mat. I twisted his arm, forcing him onto his stomach.
I sat down on his back and let out a Tarzan call as I banged my chest. I could feel Jared’s chuckle rumble through his body. I laughed. He was right—beating someone up had lifted my heavy mood.
I didn’t hear the front doorbell jingle. Someone cleared their throat, and I turned to see who it was. Walker was standing by the door. His body went rigid as he saw me straddling Jared. Had he also heard my Tarzan call? My cheeks flushed as I stood up, offering my hand to Jared as he got up off the mat.
Walker’s gaze turned stony as he and Jared glared at each other. I dropped Jared’s hand and approached Walker. My stomach fluttered. Nothing seemed right about him showing up like this.
“Hi,” I said as I wiped the sweat from my forehead and approached him. “What are you doing here?”
“I won’t be over tonight,” he said quietly.
I stared at him. “Why not?”
“I have some things I need to do before work.”
“Is it for Garrett?” I frowned.
Walker didn’t respond right away.
“I’m sorry about yesterday,” I mumbled.
“I know, but I think I need some space.”
“What? You said you wouldn’t leave again,” I said as a pang of fear flowed through me.
“You’re not suicidal anymore, Lace. I think you need some time without me around. It’s making things more difficult for both of us. Maybe you should figure out what you want, and who,” he said as he nodded toward Jared.
Tears threatened as I bit my lip to control them. “This is about yesterday, isn’t it?” I asked, my voice cracking with emotion.
“It was my fault. I shouldn’t have gone there,” he said. “I love you. You know that, and hopefully I’ve proved it to you over the last several months, but I know you’re not ready. And honestly, it’s killing me.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I thought I could handle it, but I need a break. And being with you again yesterday . . . it’s too much right now.”
“Walker,” I said softly as tears streamed down my face.
“If you need me, you or Emma can call. But I think for now I’m going to focus on my job and what’s right for Garrett.”
“Walker, don’t. Please,” I pleaded as I reached for his hand.
He squeezed it, leaned down, and gently kissed my cheek. “I’ll see you soon,” he whispered as he dropped my hand and walked out of the dojo. My heart split open as I watched him walk away.
I wiped the tears from my face and took a deep breath.
“That was intense,” Jared said from behind me.
I turned around slowly and stared at my feet.
“Are you two trying to work things out?” he asked.
“No,” I whispered.
“That’s not what it looked like from over here.”
I searched his face as my forehead creased. Was he really trying to have this conversation with me? “I can’t talk to you about this right now. I have work to do, and I need to focus on my training. That’s it.”
Jared stared at me for a moment and then nodded. Maybe he figured this wasn't the right time to push me. “Okay. Then let’s finish training,” he said.
I followed him back to the mat and punched him with everything I had. He flinched as my fist made contact with his stomach.
“Sorry, that was out of line,” I said as I took a deep breath.
“Let me get the bag. I think that’ll work better for you to really put some power into it.”
Jared held the bag for me as I punched and kicked it with as much strength as I could find. Anger flowed through me as I imagined Xander’s face on the bag, Walker’s pain-filled expression when he told me goodbye, and my own face for hurting everyone around me.
* * *
I took my time walking home after I finished work at the dojo. My chest ached as I realized Walker wouldn’t be waiting for me.
I mentally kicked myself for sleeping with him. I never meant to hurt him. I didn’t know what I’d been thinking, but all of the sudden I needed to be in his arms, feel his hands on my skin, and be with him. Maybe I’d thought it would erase some of the bad things or give me something good to think about, but it hadn’t worked out like that. I’d pushed him away without realizing how close I’d let him get again.
I opened the door to the apartment, closed it behind me, and leaned against it. It felt empty without him. I squeezed my eyes shut and willed myself not to cry. I had to give him what he’d asked for. Maybe he was right, and some time apart was what we both needed.
The door moved and knocked me forward.
“Oh, sorry!” Emma said as she pushed it open. “Did I hit you?” she asked and laughed. Her voice faltered as she saw the expression on my face. “Lacey, have you been crying?”
“Earlier. And I was about to again until you smacked me with the door,” I said.
Emma came in and put her purse on the table.
“He told me,” she said. “Walker, I mean. I’m guessing that’s what you’re upset about?”
“He stopped by the dojo and told me he needed a break,” I said softly.
“Did he say why?” Emma asked as she sat down.
“Just that he thought it’d be best to give us some space. He said it was tearing him up being around me all the time,” I said and leaned against the living room wall. I didn’t want to sit down.
“It has been hard on him, and he’s been here a lot. He got up early every morning to be here for you. He only got a few hours of sleep, and I suspect it was right here on our couch.”
“What am I going to do?”
“Do you have an option?” Emma asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Do you know how you feel about him? Or Jared, for that matter?”
“Walker mentioned that. He said it would give me time to figure out who I wanted to be with.”
“I doubt you’ll know until you start feeling better. I mean, you’re doing great, but you’re not just gonna instantly get over what happened in Oregon. If you ask me, Walker’s timing is off, and I do think you two need some space. He’s so head over heels for you that his emotions are getting in the way of his common sense.”
“Yeah, maybe. It doesn’t matter anyway. He made it clear. He’s going to focus on his career and Garrett.”
“It’ll be oka
y. I don’t know how, but it will be.”
I nodded. “Are you going to be alright without him not around? I mean, you mentioned you felt safe with him here.”
“I'll be all right as long as you keep teaching me some things in case I ever need it.”
“No time like the present,” I said as I pushed off the wall and walked into our living room. “Chop chop,” I said as I clapped my hands together and Emma joined me.
* * *
“You want a what?” Jared asked me the next morning.
“You heard me,” I said as I put my hands on my hips. “I need your help because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”
“Have you asked Emma how she feels about it?”
“She doesn’t need to know. This conversation is between us,” I said. “Promise me, no one else will know. You’ll take me to buy a gun and some bullets, and it stays between us.”
“Fine,” he said. “But I also need to teach you how to use it, clean it, and the basic safety rules.”
“Alright. So, when and where?”
“You’re really serious about this, aren’t you?”
“You have no idea.”
“Okay, I don’t have a class for a few hours so let’s go.”
I followed Jared out of the dojo as he locked the door behind us.
* * *
A few hours later, we walked back into the dojo, and I owned a Smith & Wesson 686 revolver. I had no idea how easy it was to buy a gun. Jared helped me narrow down the choices and the rounds to go with it.
“I hope I never have to use it,” I said as I took it out of my backpack.
“Don’t ever draw it on someone if you’re not going to use it.”
“Really? I don’t want to shoot anyone!”
“Then why did you buy it?”
“For protection! I mean, don’t people run if you pull out a gun?”
“Sometimes, but if they’re mean enough to hurt you in the first place, they won’t necessarily be scared off by a tiny blond waving a gun around.”
“I can look mean when I want to,” I huffed.
“I bet you can, but that’s not the point. Carrying a gun is just as much a mental game as a physical one. Don’t wave it around unless you can pull the trigger.”
I sighed and rubbed my forehead. Was this really what I wanted?
“Fine, then show me what the hell I’m doing. I have to figure out where to hide it, too. I don’t want Emma finding it.”
“Does she go through your stuff?” Jared asked.
“I don’t think so. If she does, I’m obviously not there to see it,” I said with a hint of sarcasm.
Jared showed me how to load it, turn the safety on and off, and clean it. We made plans to shoot instead of train that afternoon. I guess he figured target practice was a type of training too. I’d take it. I just wanted to feel safe, especially now that Walker was gone.
Chapter 30
Jared kept his word, and we incorporated target practice into my training routine. I also passed the test for my orange belt, but this time I tested in front of the adult class as well as the group of other sensei. Emma came to watch, but I hadn’t heard from Walker since the day he’d said goodbye to me at the dojo. I wanted to pretend it didn’t bother me, but it had been almost seven weeks without him.
I’d located a good hiding place for my gun and rounds in one of my many shoe boxes. Emma rarely went in my room anymore now that I was sober and staying out of trouble. I didn’t want her to freak out about it, so I kept my mouth shut.
Jared, Tiffany, and I wrapped up training early since it was the day before Thanksgiving. Emma and I were going to her parents’ house. I agreed to meet Jared and Tiffany afterward since they didn’t have family around either. I’d bring a movie, and they’d provide the popcorn.
“Hey hey,” Emma said as she walked into the apartment.
I muted the TV and hopped off the sofa to help her with the groceries.
“Can you believe tomorrow is Thanksgiving?” she asked as she put the bags on the kitchen counter.
“No, not really,” I said as I began unloading the food and putting it away.
“I have to make the pies tonight. I promised Mom and Daddy I wouldn’t forget. Do you wanna help?”
“Yeah?”
“Yes! Let’s get started early and turn on the Christmas music too!”
“Emma! You can’t, it’s not Thanksgiving yet,” I said, giggling.
We both loved the holidays, no matter how shitty they actually ended up being.
“Go turn it on—I’ll get the ingredients out, and we can sing off-key at the top of our lungs as we peel apples.”
“I’m not sure our neighbors will appreciate that.” I laughed as I ran into the living room and pulled out the Christmas CDs.
I joined her in the kitchen again as each of us grabbed an apple and began the long process of peeling and slicing them.
“I’m so glad you’re here this year,” Emma said as she glanced at me.
I stopped peeling my apple. “I was with Xander last Christmas. Mama had taken all my clothes and stuff out of my dorm room, and he’d gotten it back for me. Then he bought me this beautiful butterfly necklace. I had no idea I was sleeping with a monster.”
“Well, you’re not there anymore. We’re gonna have so much fun together that you won’t even have time to think about last year. You’ve made it through another one and look at you! You’re a true badass.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Just because I got another belt in karate doesn’t mean I’m a badass.”
“Please, I see how you throw those guys down on the floor.”
I shook my head and grinned as I started peeling my apple again.
“I’ve met someone,” Emma said softly.
My hand slipped and I nicked my finger with the knife. I stared at her as a few drops of blood landed on the apple.
“Oh, Lacey! Shoot!” Emma said as she put her knife and apple down on the table, grabbed me, and led me to the kitchen sink. “I’m so sorry. My timing was awful.” She turned on the water and rinsed my cut.
“It’s nothing. I just grazed it a bit.”
“It doesn’t look too deep, but we should toss that apple,” she said as she made a disgusted face.
“Definitely,” I said as I wrapped a paper towel around the cut. “So, who is he? Where did you meet him? How long have you been seeing him? What’s his name? How old is he?” I giggled. “Now you know how I feel,” I said as my face lit up. If anyone deserved to be happy, it was Emma.
“Hang on,” she said as she disappeared down the hallway. She returned with a Band-Aid. “Finger, please.” I held out my finger as she wrapped the bandage around it.
I followed her back to the table, and we sat down. I tossed my apple in the trash can and grabbed another one.
“I’m waiting,” I said, teasing her.
“Well, he works at the hospital, he’s twenty-five, married, and has five kids.”
I dropped my knife on the floor as my mouth hung open.
“I’m kidding! Oh my gosh, I just had to see the expression on your face,” she said, laughing.
I shook my head as I laughed with her. “I was about to give you a seat next to me on the crazy train,” I said.
Her face lit up as she smiled. “He’s taken me out to lunch a few times, and he wants to take me to a movie this weekend.”
“Emma, that’s wonderful. What’s his name?”
“Nathan.”
“That’s a good name. When do I get to meet him?”
“Well, I’d like to go out with him a few more times before introducing him to everyone.”
“That’s fair. I get it. But I don’t count,” I said and wiggled my eyebrows at her. “I’m going to call Jared, and we’re going to follow you guys on your date.”
“Lacey Anne! You wouldn’t.”
“Don’t put it past me. If you’re not going to introduce me, then I’ll just stalk him. I have n
o shame. You know that,” I said.
“You wouldn’t!” Emma replied, exasperated.
“No, I wouldn’t do that to you. It was funny, though.”
“Oh gosh, you had me for a minute.”
“I’d love to meet him when you’re ready. And just so you know, I’ll break his kneecaps if he hurts you.”
Emma’s eyes grew wide.
“Just sayin’,” I said and shrugged. A small smile pulled at the corner of my mouth. This would be fun.
“I love you too,” Emma said, grinning.
We finished peeling the apples and made the pies over the next few hours. We even grabbed the Christmas decorations and put everything up. It was after one in the morning by the time I crawled into bed, and it was the first night I didn’t have a nightmare and wake up in a cold sweat.
* * *
One of the skills I’d learned over the years was how to fake a good mood. I smiled and laughed as Emma and I loaded the pies into the car and drove over to her mom and dad’s. They hugged us, fed us, and asked a ton of questions about our jobs, guys, and anything else they could think of. But sometimes, as much as I loved them, it was a reminder that I didn’t have my own parents.
An emptiness seeped inside me. I wondered where Mama was and if they fed Xander turkey in jail. I pushed the thoughts aside, but Mama always seemed sane during the holidays, and those were the few good times I kept tucked away in my heart.
I ate too much turkey and fell asleep on the couch while everyone watched the football game. Emma woke me around six and we hugged everyone goodbye. An hour later, I pushed open the door of the dojo and jogged up the stairs to Jared’s apartment.
“There she is,” Jared said as a warm smile spread across his face.
“Hey Tiffany,” I said as I gave her a little wave.
“What movie did you bring?” she asked.
“National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation,” I said as I handed it to her.
“Sweet! That movie is hilarious,” Jared said as he took my coat.
Jared and I settled into the love seat, and Tiffany sat in the recliner.
“How was your Thanksgiving?” she asked.
“Good. I fell asleep during the football game.”
“You didn’t,” Jared gasped.
“I know, total loser,” I said, grinning. “I ate too much,” I said as I pooched my tummy out.