by J. A. Owenby
“I know. I didn’t mean for anything to happen.”
“What did happen?” George asked and leaned closer to me.
I turned my head to face him. “He kissed me.”
George’s eyebrows shot up, and his mouth formed an O.
“Yup,” I said. “And I had to tell him about the fire and how we had to just stay friends. He’s been good about it.”
“But? Do you like him?”
“Yeah, I do. But I’m not sure how deep it goes.”
“What about Walker?”
I shrugged.
“You don’t know if you still have feelings for him, or you don’t know if you want to talk to me about it?”
“Both,” I said.
“Oh, well let me help you with that.”
“What?” I asked. “Help me with what?”
“You definitely still have feelings for him. I saw you over by the sliding-glass door tonight. I thought he was going to pick you up and take you to your bedroom.”
“Oh, you’re just being dramatic.”
“No, like, if you can’t see it then I don’t know what to do with you.”
“I don’t want to see it,” I said softly. “I’m scared to fall in love again. Last time it almost killed me.”
“Ah hell, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. But that’s why I don’t want to see how much either of them really care about me. I don’t want to love anyone again.”
“It’ll get better.”
“That’s what they say, but what if it’s too late? What if everyone has moved on with their life and I can’t? What if Xander ruined me?”
“If he ruined you, you wouldn’t be taking karate classes, you wouldn’t be hugging your friends tonight at the party, and you wouldn’t be torn between two guys.”
“You think so?” I asked.
“I know so.”
“Thanks.”
“I might be in another state, but I’m always here with you.”
“I love you, George. I never thanked you for coming to check on me that day at Xander’s. So, thank you.”
“I love you too, Hillbilly.”
* * *
I cried my heart out when George left the next day. We made promises to see each other soon and call once a month. I hugged Walker goodbye as they left for the airport.
Chapter 28
I didn’t get out of bed the next day. As great as seeing everyone was, I couldn’t get past George leaving. Seeing him again brought up a tangle of positive and dark emotions, and I couldn’t shake the depression.
Emma checked on me a few times. I made an excuse that my stomach hurt. I don’t think she believed me, but she gave me some space.
I dozed off and on as I tried to sort everything out that was going on in my head. A soft knock at the door woke me.
“Yeah?”
The door opened enough for Walker to peek his head through. “Can I come in?” he asked, his forehead creased with concern.
“Sure,” I said as I sat up. I was grateful I’d put on a tank top and pajama shorts before crawling into bed.
“Was the party too much too soon?” he asked as he shoved his hands into his pockets. His shoulders slumped as he waited for me to respond. I knew he wanted to make me feel better.
“It’s okay,” I said. “It was just a lot seeing George, but I wouldn’t change any of it.”
“You wouldn’t?”
“No. I’m just having a really tough day. George and I stayed at Xander’s house together sometimes. He was a really big part of my life there.”
“I knew you guys were close,” Walker said as he leaned against the wall. My heart skipped a beat as I watched him. Was George right? Was I still in love with Walker?
“Do you want to sit down?” I asked and patted the bed next to me.
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I think I’d like the company,” I said and attempted a smile. I scooted over on the bed, and Walker sat down.
“Get comfy, you don’t have to hang off the edge. You’ve been in my bed before. Hopefully I smell better this time,” I said.
Walker chuckled and leaned against the headboard, his long legs stretched out in front of him. “Yeah, that wasn’t your best moment.”
I scrunched up my nose as I imagined what I smelled like the day Emma had found me passed out.
“How are you doing?” I asked softly.
Walker’s eyebrow arched.
“Pretty shitty that I haven’t asked you that before,” I said.
“Lace, you don’t have to right now.”
“Tell me. I want to know how you’re doing.”
“I’m doing good. Work’s fine. Garrett’s case is dragging out, though. I’m not sure I have much of a chance since his dad is married. The judge views us both as relatives and has to evaluate what he thinks is best for Garrett. I guess two parents is better than one.”
“He has three more years before he’s a legal adult. Raising him would be a big responsibility.”
“I know. I’ve thought about it a lot. Am I the best thing for him? Should he get through it until he turns eighteen? Everything keeps running through my head. But I think he’d be better off with me. His home is in Arkansas. It’s familiar to him. I think that’s what he misses. Hell, I get it. I left for Texas and I hated it. I was surrounded by screaming jerk-offs and I couldn’t even scratch my ass without permission.”
“It was that bad?” I asked and laughed.
“Worse, but it got better after boot camp. When I finally got my shit together, I started to like the military. I feel good about serving my country and what I do.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For taking care of us and our country. I mean, don’t people thank you when they find out you’re in the military?”
“No.”
“They should,” I said and folded my hands in my lap. Silence hung in the air for a moment.
“How’s training going?” he asked.
“Good. I like the adult class. I’ve gotten used to working with other people, which is a really big deal. I never thought I’d get out from Tiffany’s shadow, but I have.”
“I know you’re having a rough day, but you’ve made a lot of progress from when you first came back home.”
“I just get up every day and put my feet on the ground, even when I don’t think I can any longer,” I said.
“Some days it’s all you can do. But the difference between you and others? You keep putting your feet on the floor. Once you made up your mind to train and get better . . . I’ve never seen that much raw determination before.”
“I doubt that. You’re in the military.”
“Yeah, but we signed up to be there. You didn’t ask for any of this.”
“No, I didn’t,” I said and held his gaze.
Walker reached out and took my hand in his. I closed my eyes as the warmth of his skin calmed me. I hadn’t realized how much I’d looked forward to those small moments with him.
“George knew who you were because I told him,” I said.
“What do you mean?” Walker said as his thumb stroked the back of my hand.
“The day Mama showed up at the dorm I was supposed to go on a date with Xander. When Xander got there, he told Mama to leave. I was so upset about seeing her that I didn’t want to go out, so instead, he suggested that George and I come over and hang out at his house. We did, and we ended up spending the night. We were all in separate bedrooms until I had a nightmare. George ran in and woke me up. He said I was screaming your name,” I mumbled as my cheeks reddened.
“You were? Even after what I did to you?”
“I guess so. I mean, I don’t remember any of it, but I guess a part of me was still trying to reach you.”
“I don’t know what to say,” he said as our eyes met again.
“It’s okay. We’ve already talked about what happened. I just wanted to tell you how George knew who you were th
at day you showed up in Oregon. After he woke me up, he wanted full details about you. I gave him the short version of falling in love with you and Mama drugging me.”
“What did he say?”
“Something about the Mother of God, which wasn’t funny since I’d just told him I used to think I was possessed.” I chewed my lip in an attempt to hide my smile. “Yeah, maybe it was kinda funny.”
Walker chuckled. “At least you’re smiling a little,” he said as his fingers intertwined with mine.
“No plans today?” I asked. “Do you not have much of a social life? You’re either at work or here.”
“Those are the two most important places to be,” he said. My stomach fluttered with his words.
“I’m sorry I was such an ass to you after the fire. I’m still emotionally all over the place about everything, but I know you were doing the right thing.”
“I’d do it again.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of, though. What if I make a mistake like that again? I thought Xander was a good guy. I obviously can’t trust myself to make good decisions. What if I go back out there and screw up again?” I asked as my eyes dropped to my lap.
“Hey, you won’t. You’re surrounded by good people. Emma would say something . . .” His voice trailed off.
I looked up and met his intense gaze. He frowned as he searched my face. “Are you looking?” he asked softly.
“No! No, that’s not what I meant at all,” I said and shook my head.
He leaned forward, released my hand, and rubbed his face.
“Walker, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry, I thought I could talk to you about it.”
“I don’t think talking to me about a possible relationship with another guy is a good idea.”
My head snapped up as I glared at him, and my cheeks flushed with anger. “Stop! Dammit, just fucking stop! This isn’t about you and whether or not I care about you. This is about me not being able to trust myself. How do I not fuck up again? That wrong choice almost cost me my life. I almost died!”
Walker looked away. A chill filled the room.
Fear gnawed at me as I realized what I’d just done. Had I crossed a line with him? I hadn’t considered it would hurt him when I asked the question. Why had I said those things to him? This couldn’t be happening. In a split second, I’d managed to jeopardize what we’d worked so hard to rebuild.
I scooted across the bed toward him. “Look at me.”
He turned to face me, and the sadness in his eyes pierced my heart. Tension filled the space between us. Had I just lost him? My insides cringed at the idea, and my heart pounded against my chest.
“Walker,” I whispered. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I just went off like that. I’m really scared.”
His blue eyes softened as his fingers lightly traced my cheek. He slowly closed the gap between us and gently pressed his lips against mine. I didn’t move away. I didn’t want to. He pulled away slightly and searched my face. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled his mouth to mine. He picked me up, and I straddled his lap. He groaned as I sat on top of him.
“I need you,” I whispered in his ear.
“Jesus,” he said as he grabbed my waist. Warmth spread through me as he gently kissed me again. My lips parted, welcoming him as his tongue swept over mine.
I sighed as heat traveled through my body. His hand ran up my back, and my nipples hardened and pressed against my tank top.
I gasped as he adjusted me on his lap and I could feel his desire through his jeans. His hot breath caressed my skin as he trailed kisses down my neck. He gently took my nipple in his mouth, and my back arched as I rocked against him. His fingers cupped my neck as he continued to tease me.
“I need you,” I whispered again.
“You’re going to make me come just saying that,” he said, his voice thick and heavy as he leaned in to kiss me again. His thumbs grazed my nipples, and he cupped my breast through my tank top. My body ached for him.
I tilted my hips forward and rubbed against him. My thin pajama shorts rode up my butt as he slid his hands down my back and grabbed my ass cheeks.
“Off,” I whispered as I tugged at his shirt. He released me and pulled his shirt over his head.
Walker wasn’t nineteen anymore. There was nothing about him that said teenager. His broad shoulders and chest had filled out, and his stomach rippled as he leaned forward to kiss me again. His hands slid up the back of my tank top as I wrapped my arms around him.
His kisses left me breathless and needing him more than I’d thought possible.
I reached down and grabbed the hem of my tank top, slipping it over my head.
Walker’s eyes traveled down my body, and my defenses melted. I wanted him, and I needed something good in my life again.
“Are you sure?” he whispered as he held my gaze.
I nodded as I undid the button on his jeans. “Are you?” I asked as I slid my hands into his jeans and freed him.
A guttural moan escaped him as he closed his eyes. I suddenly wanted to take care of him for being there with me the last several months. I scooted down on the bed as he opened his eyes. I peered up at him as I ran my tongue along his shaft.
“Oh shit,” he said as I took him in my mouth. “Oh God,” he groaned as I flicked my tongue across his tip. I’d forgotten how good he tasted. Suddenly, everything else drifted away as I stroked him. Only Walker and I existed. Nothing and no one else.
He gently pulled my hair as I took him into my mouth again. I dug my fingernails into his side as I picked up the rhythm.
“Stop,” he said. “It feels too good.”
I smiled shyly at him.
I rolled off his legs and onto the bed. He sat up and tugged on my pajama shorts. He slid them down my legs and tossed them on the floor. My black G-string was the only piece of clothing left.
“You’re so beautiful,” he muttered as he leaned forward and placed soft kisses down my belly. His tongue flicked at the edge of the lace. I groaned as my hips lifted toward him.
He gently rubbed me through the soft material as I grabbed his arms. His fingers slid underneath the material and tentatively massaged my center.
“Walker,” I gasped as my back arched off the bed. He slid my G-string off, parted my legs, and ran his tongue over my core. I gripped his arms as his tongue flicked across my clit. He slid his hands under my ass and tilted my hips up as he sucked me. His tongue swirled against my sensitive skin as I rocked against him. I dug my fingers into the mattress as the familiar swell began to build. Walker eased a finger inside me, and I lost control. Black dots danced across my vision as he continued to massage me with his tongue.
I gasped as I pulled his head away from me. He stood up and slid his jeans off. He grabbed a condom out of his wallet and rolled it over the hard length of him. I ran my eyes up and down his tan body. Muscles rippled in his legs as he stepped toward me. I wanted him. I wanted him inside me again, to erase all the horrible things that had happened when he wasn’t with me. I wanted his arms around me and his lips against mine. This man still had the ability to undo me.
He lowered himself carefully as he lay on top of me. “Are you okay?”
I nodded as I wrapped my arms around him. He throbbed against me as I leaned up to kiss him. I could taste myself on his lips.
I released him as he repositioned himself and pushed slightly against my core.
“Lace,” he said as he slid inside me.
I gasped as he filled me and moved in and out slowly. I sighed and closed my eyes, but in that split second, Xander’s face flickered in front of me and fear shot through my body.
“Stop!” I gasped. “No!”
“What’s the matter?”
“I can’t,” I said and pushed against him. “I can’t!” I pounded against his chest. No!” I cried.
“Lace, hey, it’s okay,” he said and pulled out of me. “Look at me.” He gently grabbed my shoulders.
Vio
lent trembles traveled through my body as I shook against him and tears streamed down my cheeks. Walker pulled me into his lap and wrapped his arms around me.
“It’s okay. I’m here. You’re safe with me,” he said as he rocked me back and forth. I curled into a ball as the sobs tore through my body. He smoothed my hair and kissed the top of my head. I grabbed his arm and held on with everything inside me. The sound of his voice finally calmed me, and my tears slowed.
“I’ve got you,” he whispered.
“I’m sorry,” I said. I tilted my chin up and searched his face. Was he mad at me?
“You don’t ever have to apologize when you get scared. I should’ve known it was too soon,” he said as he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. “I don’t ever want to hurt you. I guess my dick got the better of me today. I’m sorry. I’m afraid I hurt you more than I helped you this weekend.”
“I was okay. I wanted to be with you,” I hiccupped. “And then when you were inside me, it wasn’t you anymore. It wasn’t you,” I said as I cried and tucked my head into his chest.
“He can’t hurt you anymore.”
“What if I can’t get past it? What if it doesn’t get better?”
“Shh,” he said as he rocked me. “Just take a deep breath.”
I fell silent as I melted into his arms. I’d screwed up. I’d wanted the memories to be replaced so badly that I had hurt Walker in the process. I couldn’t deal with the stabs of pain and the hollowness that threatened to settle inside me. I couldn’t hurt him any more than I already had.
“I’m going to take a shower,” I whispered as I got out of bed without looking at him.
“I love you, Lace.”
I didn’t respond. I just shut the bathroom door behind me.
Chapter 29
I opened the door to the dojo but didn’t see Jared or Tiffany anywhere. I ran up the stairs and found Jared in his kitchen.
“Morning,” he said as he poured coffee into his cup.
“Hey,” I said and attempted a smile. I couldn’t push the thoughts of Walker out of my head, and there was still a hollow ache inside my chest. I’d hoped hitting something, or someone, would help.