She sat heavily on the hard, wooden chair beside the table, letting her arm lie outstretched beside Asher, her head drooping on her shoulder. He released her wrist, allowing his hand to rest lightly on hers. “Asher, what he’s carrying on his arms right now, what I let him take from me… What will he do with it?”
“He’ll do what it tells him to do.” Her body stiffened and he let go of her hand. “Did you let him put those on you?”
Kayla didn’t move. Her lids were heavy as she let the words seep out of her loose mouth. “When I left here last night, I wasn’t looking for him and I didn’t know he would find me. Something was pulling us there, but I think we were both surprised to find each other. I can’t deny that I wanted to see him. I wanted to offer my penance for the suffering I brought on him, and I expected pain, but not this…”
“As I approached, I heard him speaking to you. Did you suggest returning to Za’in? Did you offer up your life, Kayla?” Asher’s voice seemed slightly labored.
“I wanted to depend on what I thought was inside him. I wanted to trust him, and if I could save him or if this was truly our final meeting…either way, I didn’t want to fight. I…wanted…to give in.”
“And you did.”
She imagined the cold force of his words stinging the wounds in her palms. “Yes. It was my last act of need for him. I can’t tell you that I don’t still love him, but I also recognize that he reached inside of me and almost took everything.” Kayla clenched her fists and accepted the hurt that came with it. “He won’t take the Angel out of me. I can’t let him use what’s mine as a weapon against this world.”
Asher stared up at the ceiling. “From that day on the shore, I knew you loved him. After all those years of hoping to find you again…watching you look at one of Za’in’s Archs that way…” She felt his muscles contract and release. “It hasn’t been easy to accept. Still, I knew he was just a boy, and how could I blame the young for doing what they could to survive in such a world? But what he did this time — Kayla, it’s unforgivable.” He gently grasped her hand again, unwinding her throbbing fist and smoothing out her tense joints. “After this, how can you still stomach the thought of him? How can you feel concern for what will become of him?”
“Just because I can’t afford to have feelings that Za’in can use against me doesn’t mean there’s nothing left.”
“When he becomes an abomination, he won’t be able to blame those shackles without first placing responsibility on his own actions. He did this to himself.”
Kayla began to draw her body up in a violent motion, but stopped, already weak when she sat erect in her chair. She steadied herself with her elbow against the table, settling for just turning her face away. “What’s going to happen to him, Asher? It’s too late to keep feeding me information in tiny bites, in some effort to protect me. When I met him, I just wanted to find you. Your face was the symbol for every answer I needed; you were my release from ignorance. There was nothing else. But now, everything I learn comes with its own darkness, its own weight. If I have to bear this load, then at least tell me everything. Please, Asher. We only have three more weeks before the Eclipse, and if I’m supposed to become a hero, we’re out of time. I have to know now.”
“The only thing he knows about those fetters is what I’ve been able to tell him.” Kayla hastily pulled her hand from Asher’s grasp and turned towards Kittie’s voice. She was standing in the doorway, holding strips of cloth bandages. Her dull eyes stared out from a pale and fatigued face, and her worn voice matched her appearance. Kayla didn’t remember Kittie looking this haggard when she treated her wounds, and that shock held her still and mute. The small girl softly stepped into the room and continued caring for Asher’s injuries silently.
After some time passed, she began to speak again. “If Jeremy wasn’t the man he was, he would have died that night when the tower fell. If he wasn’t a child of the Saros — it’s funny how that alone has led both of us for so long. Running from that fact, or being pulled to wherever, whoever, was able to accept it or use it. I was different too, and he never asked questions. He liked to be with me and that was enough. I wasn’t alone anymore. But now, Za’in is just using him again, using him up until there’s nothing left. And he won’t even stop to realize it. Za’in counted on that. I looked into Jeremy’s eyes. He really didn’t know what those fetters were. I knew then that he wasn’t given direct orders. A suggestion was more than enough. And now…now he’s Za’in’s. No matter what, he’ll always be too far away.” Kittie rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand and murmured almost inaudibly, “I lost.”
Kayla watched Asher’s closed face and eyelids. “So…those bones,” she asked, “bind him to Sebastian? If the tattoo didn’t work, why do the bones?”
“It’s not so easy to control a child of the Saros…or a Nephil. He needed to raise some more power and these Ruiners were the perfect plan. Za’in knew that Jeremy would survive the fall, and that he would be more torn up on the inside than anywhere else. He knew Jeremy would be desperate to win back his position as Arch—”
“He’s not an Arch anymore?”
Kittie kept her gaze lowered as she worked, the movement of her hands slowing. “What did you think would happen to him? Instead of finishing the job he was charged with, he heard your scream and, for you, he released his hold on Asher and was defeated.”
Kayla couldn’t ignore Asher’s tightening features, so she pressed her fingers against her forehead, hiding her eyes with her wounded palms. “I see.”
Kittie waited a moment before continuing. “How could he return things to the way they were before they got so complicated? Just capture an Angel and return her to the one that rules the world. Za’in just left the method lying around and Jeremy found it. But I know a bit about such traps. They never lose. You see, they’re activated by the blood of the captor. These fetters are made from the bodies of Nephilim and will only attach to one of its own kind. But Za’in perverted the bones of the creatures he destroyed and they’ve become parasitic. Once they pierce the skin and connect to an Intercessor, they feed off the Nephil’s power and pollute her blood. Eventually, they will be saturated with the Nephil’s life-force and leave her an empty shell. But the one that unleashed these bones is also able to release his victim. If he does so prematurely, the Ruiners are programmed to continue to be useful. They will join with the one that activated them. That is what has happened to Jeremy. From the moment he touched those bones, I know he hasn’t been the same. I’m certain that he’s Za’in’s eyes and ears now, and for the first time, Za’in can reach into him like never before. And the more that happens, the more those bones will crawl over his body and taint his spirit. But Jeremy and Za’in aren’t the only ones in the loop. It’s a part of you that has been stolen and twisted through that blackened mass that grips him. Can’t you feel Jeremy, even from this distance?” Kittie raised her eyes, her last question hopeful.
Kayla sagged wearily against the table. She didn’t want to try. Not now. She shook her head, the tiny movement swaying her whole body back and forth. “So you’re saying that Jeremy is coming back for us again, next time fully as Za’in’s agent. What will you do?”
The bitterness on Kittie’s face was new and unfamiliar. “I’ll keep playing this role.” She was finished dressing Asher’s wounds, and she walked towards the doorway.
“Wait!” Kayla stood, clinging to the table. “What does that mean? Will you fight him?”
“Jeremy knows that when I shoot, I don’t miss. He knows I’ve only killed once and he knows what it does to me. He knows I made a choice last night, when I…when I…” She shook her head, hard. “I know what I have to do. Make sure you can say the same.”
Asher sat up slowly, and then found his way to stand, straightening with effort. “Is there a way to free him from those Ruiners?”
Kittie watched him with wide, wet eyes, the softness returning to her face. “There’s no way I know of, and even then… B
ut, Asher! I removed those fragments of toxic bone from your wounds only now, you shouldn’t be walking yet—”
He had already moved to the door and was kneeling at her side, his hands on her shoulders. “If even you see no redemption for him, I can’t hold back next time.”
“Redemption isn’t the question. You can’t lose. I didn’t come this far to give up on the world.” She offered a tight smile. “All pain fades, right Asher?”
His grip on her shoulders tightened, their shared gaze steady. “Most things do, Kittie. But nothing stops you from moving. Your eyes tell me you understand that.”
Her smile was sad, but genuine. “There was a time I forgot. I stood still for too long.”
“Me too. It’s over now. Let’s forgive ourselves.”
Kittie rested her head against his for a moment before she pulled away from his grip and disappeared up the stairs. “You first.”
21
Whatever wasn’t frozen and numb was incessantly burning, and all Jeremy could do was lie face down in the dirt. He rose up on his elbows, retching, and then crawled away a few feet to collapse in a slightly less filthy spot. What have I done? He tried to remember the night’s events as he hid his face from the sun that slowly rose in the haze-choked sky. Every time he attempted to recall the image of a face or some remembrance of words spoken, his limbs were strangled with a tight coldness, and the dense line in his chest smoldered, pushing acid up into his throat.
Kayla. That one word repeated endlessly through him, as he tried to remember its meaning. He tensed his muscles, straining to dredge up any connection he had to these sounds, to either understand why he kept hearing them or to finally drown them out. Kayla. His fingers moved, unexpectedly thawed and flexible again. The remembered warmth that flooded him wasn’t the searing burn that held him prostrate against the earth. Kayla. The sensation of softness was jarring, but familiar, as if from another life. Jeremy dragged himself forward, his eyes closed, reaching towards some unknown resting place. Kayla. It was her. She was the one that did this to him. He shook his head hard, swallowing that stabbing pressure. No. No, there was something else. Something worth saving. He could see the radiance of two eyes, golden and wet, and he was sure they recognized him. He cringed, shielding himself from their gaze, but he was unable to drown out the remembered awareness of their bodies touching. His joints went slack, tears stinging his eyes. They weren’t the only ones here, inside. There was one Other. Jeremy tore at what constricted his arms, scraping them against his chest. This memory was for him alone; he wouldn’t let the Other have it.
It’s useless. Jeremy froze, lying still again. This time the words didn’t echo in his head, but they resonated from within his chest. He knew the Other had witnessed everything. He could see her, weak and pale and desperate, and he knew he was to blame. Why? He didn’t understand. I hate her, I hate her… He struggled to remember what she did. There was a flash of light, the stars were falling, everything was falling, and he wanted to be the only one. Maybe he had this coming. He was nothing but her captor, after all. It started out as duty, a step towards glory and power, but hadn’t there come a time when he kept her prisoner for himself?
Why? Why does it even matter? Jeremy painfully dragged himself up, planting his palms against the ground and pulling himself up onto his knees. He let his head hang and didn’t try to explain to himself the drops of water he saw falling, or to find a cause for the trembling of his body. “Because…” he whispered, his voice coarse and broken, “because I…love her.”
An agonized cry wracked his being as he collapsed again to the earth, the cross on his chest piercing him like never before. He struggled to breathe as the images he couldn’t remember just moments ago now flooded his brain. He could see that desert vagabond and his still, sharp eyes — that man with the maddeningly impassive face and composed mouth. Jeremy could see her hands on Serafin’s, see her standing beside him with her head raised to glimpse his face, hear her wailing his name as the truck sped away. He could see Kit. Those familiar features that brought him comfort for so long were now twisted in anger, disappointment, and desperation. He could feel the barrel of her gun, cold, digging through his jaw line.
“It’s what I deserve!” he screamed, rising up just enough to slash his chest again with the sharp bones that covered his arms. He caught his throat with the barbs, and then lay motionless, wanting to feel the blood leave him, hoping against reason that perhaps he could finally die. He painfully rolled over onto his back, running his fingers over his wounds, and felt nothing but smooth skin. His tortured laugh was like a sob. Jeremy had never healed this quickly before; this change was new, its activation instant. He lay quietly, paralyzed by this crushing helplessness.
The mark on his chest began to grow almost pleasantly warm. It wasn’t the harsh burn that had ravaged him earlier. The voice of the Other softly reverberated through him. Look at you. This is what happens when you go alone in this kind of world. Start acting like an Arch again, Saros! My offer still stands. Call it what you will…you want her. After the sky darkens, you can still claim her. Just make sure she finds her way to me first, with her retinue broken. This isn’t a curse, Saros. You’ve been chosen to wield this new power you possess. An ordinary human couldn’t bear it. You alone haven’t forgotten the realities of this life. You know the rule is strength. Look at your arms…the playing field has tilted your way, now.
Jeremy groaned. “Za’in…?”
There was no answer. The pain and the conflicting temperatures in his body began to fade to a comfortable distance. The sun still rose as it always did. He lay still, letting his eyelids hang heavily, his sight unfocused and passive. He didn’t try to determine his location, or decide his next move, or entertain any other thought. Any motion of his mind would be perceived and analyzed by Za’in. Eventually you’ll have to think again. “Shut up,” he muttered quickly. This time, the decision not to question the source of the voice was automatic.
It was safe to focus on sensation. Jeremy tried to feel his own arms and hands, but he couldn’t tell where the bony shell began or what happened to the flesh that disappeared beneath. He felt a surprisingly deep regret that he couldn’t touch the dirt with his own down-turned palms, so he let his naked fingers be saturated in the experience. He breathed in the damp smell of wet leaves and barren soil. If he could forget the past awareness of her hair against his nose, maybe he could lie here indefinitely. If he could forget the comfort of her lying beside him that night, when he had to say things out loud to be sure that he still could, maybe he could just sink into the earth. If he could forget her defiant and fearful eyes, if he could forget her body on fire… Za’in was right; it was useless.
Jeremy dug his elbows into the ground and pushed his chest skyward. He slowly stood, his boots sliding on the damp blades of grass. It was useless. He couldn’t stop thinking or stop feeling. Za’in would know his every intention, his every move, but he would keep moving. His steps were unhurried as he walked back the direction he came, the strange weightlessness of his limbs keeping his motions warily gentle.
What will you do? He couldn’t be sure if it was his own thought or Za’in’s question. His body felt disconnected, and it was difficult to separate the sources of these inner sounds. Jeremy kept walking. What will you do? He briefly considered that this was all madness before he found himself speaking aloud. “I’m going to find them. I’ll find…her.”
You’re…killing…me…
“What?” Jeremy stopped short. His heartbeat was a painfully slow, heavy throb.
You’re…killing…me… He could see the panic frozen on Kayla’s face, and the soft twitching of her body that was the strongest fight she could manage against those fetters. That was another option you gave me… Jeremy heard his own voice echoing back to him coldly.
“Stop!” he yelled out.
Today you claim to love her? Don’t pretend you didn’t do it…
“No! There was something…different
about last night. My head…” He reeled, his mind spinning. His arms and chest felt tight again, a bitter taste returning to his mouth.
Those were your actions. You can make excuses and apologies, but you wanted to hurt her for leaving you there, to be with him—
“I…”
They won’t forgive what you’ve done. She won’t forget.
“I…”
You love her? Does that mean anything…love? Wasn’t that the line she used when she delivered her final blow? It was a clever tactic, at least…
“I wanted…to take her to Hell…with me.” The words were torn from his raw throat as he stumbled down onto his knee.
That’s what I thought. So do it.
Jeremy’s eyes felt dry and swollen. He struggled to maintain his equilibrium, his body unbalanced by his stunted desire to release his emotions. He stared down at his blackened limbs, rendered speechless by the horror of what just escaped his mouth. How could he be so unaware of his own desires? That voice inside was right — if that was what he had confused with love, then he just wasn’t capable of such an emotion, if anyone was.
This kind of confusion comes from fighting your nature.
He closed his eyes. What was his nature? Wasn’t it his nature to fight…everything? Was he held helpless to the circumstances of his birth? His body stiffened with the memory of…
Saros!
He dug his fingers into the dirt to stop himself from cringing against a beating he knew wouldn’t come. That part of his life was over. He escaped that. They escaped it, both he and Kit. And then he tore that place down. He was born into darkness — that was the reason they gave him for his suffering. Every form of alienation, anguish, and humiliation was his to accept as punishment for an existence that began at that one sinister moment. He remembered trying to discover the secret as to why they didn’t just kill him. If he was such a curse to that village, why let him shame their ruined streets? It was a disappointment to realize that the only thing keeping him alive was their cowardice.
Dominion of the Star (Descendants of the Fallen Book 1) Page 15