The Life I Now Live (The Unspoken Series)

by Marilyn Grey

  “And you think people like Derek don’t live?”

  “Precisely.”

  I thought about her words for so long that she picked her book back up and read until she fell asleep. I turned the light off and went to my room. I wasn’t content in my singleness. Not at all. I didn’t want a friend. I wanted a husband. Someone to experience life with. All of life. Ups and downs and in-betweens.

  Miranda left early Saturday morning. She worked ata tattoo studio owned by Dee, Ella’s friend. She didn’t do the tattoos though. Funny. Weird hair and crazy clothes, but anti-tattoos. She ran the desk and cleaned up. Couldn’t find a use for her psychology degree and she grew to hate the entire field anyway. So tattoo shop it was. Dee did all the tattoos along with her friend, Griffin. Actually was a nice place if you’re into that kinda thing. Reminded me of something out of a slightly romantic Tim Burton movie, if you can imagine such a place.

  I worked a little while Riley napped. Had a client who wanted to redo her basement. Not the most thrilling job in the world, but I needed to pay the bills and felt bad that Patrick gave so much of his money to help me stay on my feet.

  Something clicked downstairs. The front door creaked. Heart racing, I crept down the hallway and peered down the steps. A shadow moved. I put my hand on my chest and reached for my phone. The figure moved toward the bottom of the steps. I screamed so loud Riley immediately woke.

  “It’s me,” Patrick said. “I couldn’t handle being apart.”

  “Let me calm Riley down. Wait downstairs.”

  I nursed Riley and rocked her back to sleep, heart still beating a million miles a minute, but she woke back up so I took her downstairs. Patrick waited on the couch. Tired eyes and disheveled hair. Obviously sleep deprived. I set Riley on the floor with some blocks and stuffed animals, then sat next to Patrick. He breathed in as though it were painful to do so, then looked at me, waiting for me to say something, anything. I hid my eyes behind my hands and rubbed my face. The air between us, warmed with anticipation, yet cooled by my unwillingness, waited to be filled with words I couldn’t give.

  Shaking, I tried to pull the rings off my finger. They barely moved. I twisted and tugged harder. Nothing. Pat looked away and shook his head. Maybe it was a sign? I went to the kitchen, poured dish soap on my finger and yanked on the rings.

  Nothing.

  Absolutely nothing.

  Pat stood behind me. I wanted to take his arms and wrap them around my body.Kiss me, I pleaded inside. Just do it. Do something. Make me feel like this will work out. Give me a little hope.

  I turned and faced him. He bit his lip and looked at the ring I couldn’t get off. His eyes said, “It’s okay.” But his lips stayed far from mine. I watched them move, looking for words to say, but saying nothing. We stared at each other. Riley banged toys in the background. I couldn’t take it anymore.

  I pressed my lips against his and held them there, waiting for him to kiss me back, for him to take over my heart and never let go.

  He pulled away and put his finger over my lips. “This isn’t how you want it to go.”

  “I’m sick of following my mind, Pat. I want to follow my heart for once.” I moved toward him. “Let me.”

  “Emotions aren’t always from the heart.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I’m sorry I came back. You need more time. It’s not right. When the ring comes off, call me. Until then, know that I’m waiting for you.”

  “But I want you now.” A tear fell to the floor between us. “Don’t go.”

  He shook his head, held back his own tears, and walked to the living room. Riley reached up for him and he squeezed her, kissed her cheek, and set her back down. I stood by the dining room table, heart on the floor next to my tear-soaked dreams. He rubbed his face, then looked at the ceiling. I didn’t understand.

  “I will always love you,” he said. “Always. Take more time like you wanted. We’ll know when it’s right.”

  I let him walk out the door. Confused, broken, I stood in the same place until Riley ached for me to hold her. I was so tired of being needed. I loved Riley. I loved her so much and I was happy to be her mother, but I wanted to need someone. And I did. I needed a husband, a best friend, a partner in all things life threw my way. I finally knew I needed him and he told me to keep thinking about it. I know I need you, I wanted to scream to him as he drove away. I yanked at the ring on my finger again, hoping it would slip off and I could run after Pat, begging him to come back, to come into my heart and never leave, but it wouldn’t budge.

  I tried over and over, used the entire bottle of dish soap, and still . . . my past wanted to stay my present.

  Ch. 8 | Patrick

  I missed her. No getting around it. The girl stole my heart without me realizing it, but I respected her and wanted to give her space. So I did. Even though I almost blew it. Seeing her try to rip those rings off her finger killed me. She wanted to be with me. I could tell. Maybe even needed to. But I wanted more than that. I wanted it to be right, to be natural. Not forced. I needed to give her more time or she would end up regretting it in the future. But I also listened to Ella’s advice and decided to plan something romantic.

  Ella told me to make a scrapbook of our memories so far and our dreams for the future. Gavin offered to draw some pictures for it. So I decided to visit them in Lancaster and work on it with them.

  I parked in front of their house and sighed. They were the kind of couple I needed to prepare myself to be around. They could either inspire you or make you feel horrible about yourself, depending on how you felt that day. They were almost too good together. In their physical appearance and personality. Most people who didn’t know them well thought they faked their love for each other. It’s that amazing. Too good to be true.

  I walked up to the door and knocked. Gorgeous house. Used to be Gavin’s grandfathers house. Built before 1900 and incredible.

  Ella answered the door with a smile, as always. “Ah, look who it is.”

  “Yeah.” I hugged her. “Where’s the man of the house?”

  “He’s outside tending to the winter veggies.”

  “Winter veggies?”

  “Yeah. We decided to use some of this land to plant our own vegetables and we found some things that grow even through the winter.” She led me to the kitchen. “Want some soup? Just made some baked potato soup, all local dairy products.”

  I laughed. “Surprised you guys don’t have your own cows yet.” I looked around the kitchen. White cabinets. White table. White everywhere. “Love what you guys did with the kitchen, but don’t you plan to have kids?”

  She smiled. “We do. Isn’t this so refreshing though?”

  “It is. But it may not be once you have a toddler.”

  She shrugged. “No word from Heidi?”

  I shook my head. “You?”

  “She hasn’t returned my texts in days.”

  Gavin walked in the door and smiled. “Hey, man. How’s it been?”

  I hugged him. “Been okay, I guess. With Christmas coming up I was thinking of giving this to Heidi as a gift on Christmas Eve.”

  “Good idea.” He washed his hands and took his hat off.

  Ella wrapped her arms around him. “I missed you.”

  “You too, love,” he said.

  “You missed each other when you were less than a football field apart?” I laughed. “Can’t believe you guys aren’t pregnant yet.”

  “Actually,” Ella said.

  “Are you serious?”

  “We haven’t told anyone yet. We were going to think of a creative way to tell everyone,” Gavin said.

  Ella kissed his cheek. “We think it’s a honeymoon baby.”

  “When’s the due date?” I asked.

  “Early August,” she said. “There’s a natural birthing place thirty minutes from here that we will be going to. I’m so excited. We find out if it’s a boy or girl in March.”

  “Any names?”

&n
bsp; “We aren’t sure yet. We like Gwendolyn and Adelaine for a girl, and Emerson and Dylan for a boy.”

  I laughed. “Gwendolyn would be pretty, but Gavin and Gwen is like Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani.”

  Gavin laughed. “Didn’t think of that. Guess it would be Adelaine then.”

  “Enough about us,” Ella said. “Let’s get started on this scrapbook.I bought all the supplies for it.”

  “You are too much.”

  Ch. 9 | Heidi

  Patrick didn’t text me. No calls, no texts, no emails. Every day I wanted to text him and tell him I loved him, but I couldn’t get the rings off. I tried everything and I couldn’t muster the nerve to break them. Everything about it felt wrong. I guess I understood what Pat meant. It needed to be right. But how could it be? How can you fall in love again in a situation like this? Maybe the person is meant to be your best friend simply because you can’t survive life alone. Maybe it’s not meant to be some amazing love story for the masses.

  I set my orange juice on the kitchen counter and saw a figure run by the window. I stood on my tip-toes, but couldn’t see anything. A rush of heat went from my head to my feet. Someone was out there. I listened to make sure Riley was still asleep, then looked through every window of the house. Didn’t see anything. I locked the basement door, sat on the couch, and heard a tapping sound in the kitchen. A dark figure stood at the back door. All in black. I didn’t scream this time. Didn’t really care if I died. So I sat there and watched. He tried to open the door, looked around as though someone were after him, then took off his mask.

  Photographs of the past piled up in my mind. Stained memories of what could have been. He moved his arms frantically, motioning for me to open the door. I did.

  He stood in front of me, out of breath. A day I dreamed about for so long felt more like a nightmare. My heart, as if it could endure more damage, willingly followed him to the bedroom.

  I sat on the bed. “What are you doing here?”

  “I told you I’d come back if they stopped chasing me.”

  “But Andy, you made me promise. I told everyone you died. I told them you wanted to be cremated, just like you said. Even have this stupid thing of fake ashes in our living room. I’ve lived this lie for a year now. You told me you wouldn’t come back. You said for me to move on and live. You made me promise.”

  My body shook. I’m not sure if I wanted him to hold me or not. He didn’t. I curled up on the bed and heard Riley cry.

  “Is that her?” he said.

  I nodded. “I named her Riley, just like you wanted.”

  He smiled. “Can I see her?”

  “Andy, this isn’t fair. What am I supposed to tell everyone? They will think we are both insane.”

  “Look, I have a plan. I want to take you and Riley to Germany. I know someone there. We can start a new life.”

  “Germany?” I wiped my face. “I can’t go to Germany. Riley has something called fibular hemimelia. She needs a lot of care from some good doctors down in Baltimore. I need to live close to make sure she gets the care she needs.”

  “What’s fibular hemimelia?”

  “I can’t believe you’re back.”

  “You don’t seem happy about it.”

  “I don’t know what to feel. You’ve been gone. I’ve pretended you were dead and started to believe it myself. I met new friends. Started a life without you. I’ve been a single mom. A widow. And all this time couldn’t tell a soul that you were really just hiding. Who knows where. Did you sleep with another woman?”

  He touched my left hand, ran his fingers over the rings he gave me when he promised a beautiful life of love and laughter, then pointed to his left hand. “I’ve kept my ring on too. And I’ve kept my promises.”

  “Where have you been living?”

  “In the woods.”

  “You’re kidding,” I laughed, realizing Riley calmed down for the first time without me.

  “I am. I don’t want to say in case they are listening.”

  “Andy, I can’t live like this. You’ve created this world of fear and suspicion and it drove me nuts before you left. I don’t want to raise Riley like this. It’s too much.”

  He looked around the room. “You’ve done a good job decorating the house.”

  I nodded.

  He touched my neck and pulled my face toward his. Inches from my lips, he whispered, “I love you. Runaway with me so we can be together.”

  I moved back. Away from the lips that wanted to kiss me. Away from my husband. My husband. The one who told me to think of him as dead for the rest of my life. His shoulders dropped. His eyes too. Everything downcast. Including our marriage. I exhaled and shoved my face into a pillow.

  “Heidi,” he said. “You realize I did this for you? I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

  I tossed the pillow aside and slammed my hand on the bed. “This is torture. Don’t you understand? Mafias and money and banks and scandals. How do you expect me to live in some kind of action movie? I want a peaceful life. I don’t want to live in another country. Why did you have to testify against these people? You should’ve left it alone.”

  “Please, Heidi. Come with me. I can’t stay here. I’m on so many blacklists it’s not funny.”

  “None of this is funny.”

  He sighed. “Do you still love me?”

  I leaned back and slipped under the sheets. Without making a sound I gripped the blanket, pulled it over my head, and wept and screamed in silence. Andy touched my leg. Why me? Why me? I thought over and over. And the one image that I couldn’t erase from my closed eyelids was Patrick’s face, smiling at me from across the table. Eyes intent on loving me. In a way the man sitting on my bed, my first love and husband, never did. Because he never could.

  Clock said 5:57 a.m. I rolled over and saw Andy’s face. He fell asleep there hours and hours ago, as though he hadn’t slept in years. I played with Riley, put her to sleep, then fell asleep beside him with a severe ache in my chest. I looked at the clock again. A new day. A new day so different than everything I hoped for the day before. I watched him sleep and replayed our memories. So many sweet memories early on, but they were dampened by the most recent ones. He changed. We all change. I know I did too. But some of us risk everything and climb up the mountain while others spend their lives digging their graves. Andy stopped living long ago. He truly died when I was forced to pretend that he did, but his heart was still beating beside me. His lungs still sucked in air and blew it back out. But I feared the darkness that enveloped him. Riley had enough to worry about. She didn’t need this.

  He opened his eyes and turned up the corner of his mouth in a half smile.

  But . . . it didn’t matter what I wanted. Hasn’t mattered in a long time. Andy was my husband. A wife is to be faithful to her husband. I needed to erase my dreams of Patrick and keep my heart where it had been all along. In my husbands hands.

  “This isn’t easy,” I said.

  “It’s like I’ve come back from the dead.” He laughed.

  If only that were true, I thought.

  “Look, there’s gotta be some way for Riley to get help in another country. Let’s look into it.”

  “Maybe, but these guys specialize in it. People travel from all over the world to come here.”

  “I never thought I’d be able to come home.” He rolled to his back. “I thought you’d be happy.”

  “I’m a widow. Everyone I know thinks I’m a widow. To be with you I have to leave everything I know and go somewhere new. What if you leave again and I’m forced to do the same thing there? I can’t play these games, Andy. This is my life.”

  “Do you love me, Heidi?” He took my hand. Gone were the days of excitement and butterflies.

  “You’re my husband. Of course I love you.”

  “That’s not what I’m asking. Are you still in love with me?”

  “I don’t know who you are. How can I be?”

  He exhaled. “I’m still me. Look
, yes or no. Do you love me?”

  I looked away, then back to his eyes.

  “Then why does everyone else matter? You can make friends wherever we go.”

  “Real friends? I can just imagine you asking me to change my name and pretend to be someone else. For the first time in my life I feel like I’m getting somewhere. My job is good. Riley has great doctors. I have found friends, true friends, who I admire and want to be around. I like it here. I don’t want to uproot everything because of some unjustified fears you have.”

  Riley made sounds from her room. I stood and went to her, then brought her back to my bed, our bed. Andy sat up and smiled.

  “Hey, Riley,” he said. “It’s your daddy.”

  She smiled and reached for his nose.

  “Wow,” he said. “I didn’t think she would be so comfortable with me so fast.”

  “She loves people.”

  “She is so pretty. Look at those dark eyes and hair.” A tear made its way to his lips. And another. He sniffed. “I never thought I’d get to meet her.”

  I wiped his tears with the back of my hand. He cupped my hand in his and took a deep breath, then tried to speak, but his lips only quivered in silence.

  “I can’t believe you kept your rings on.” He let more tears fall. “I’m so sorry, Heidi. I’m sorry for ruining your life.”

  I looked at Riley. “You didn’t ruin my life. Look at this little girl. She’s so much like you and she means so much to me.”

  “But I don’t mean much to you anymore?”

  “Andy, what do you want me to say? I’m sorry, but you’ve been dead to me for the last year and as far as I knew you were never coming back. It drove me crazy. I’ve battled back and forth between moving on or waiting around for you, just in case. All because you had to snitch on some people who like to shoot guns. This is so ridiculous. I’m willing to be with you, but it needs to be here. I’m not moving anywhere. I don’t care if they kill me.”

  He shook his head and flopped back onto the pillows. “I like the colors you chose for this room. What made you pick them?”