by Marilyn Grey
“Why? What’s going on?”
“I got involved with the wrong crowd. Hard to find a job, man. I don’t know. I’m tired of life. Need a break.”
“I hear ya.”
Gavin and Matt walked over and sat down, followed by Reese and James. Within minutes we ordered three more rounds of bread. They liked it too. Anyone would.
“How’s Sarah?” I said to James after swallowing another bite.
“Okay, I guess. She’s handling it better than I am, but she doesn’t have to deal with the guilt I have. Thank God. Last thing she needs.”
“Do they know when she’ll come home?”
“Maybe by summer if all goes as planned. Hard to say. It sucks, dude. Seriously. Worst thing I ever endured. Seeing her like that. Her entire body is one big scar. My scars are all underneath my shirt and it’s not that bad. She hasn’t seen a mirror yet, but she says she would rather live without beauty than die beautiful. She told me real beauty doesn’t ever rot in a casket. It lives forever. She thinks she’s been given a second chance to gain this real beauty thing, but she already had that too. It’s not just her looks though, the girl’s gonna be suffering for years with surgeries and skin grafts and infections.” He exhaled and picked up his water. “Anyway, enough depressing talk. We came here to enjoy ourselves. Sorry to vent.”
“Nah, man,” Julian said. “Don’t apologize. We all got our problems. Life ain’t life unless it’s got conflict.”
“True,” Matt said, raising his glass. “The best stories in the world are so amazing because in the end the goal was worth the struggle.”
“Yeah,” Gavin said. “If it’s not worth fighting for then the story ends. There is no story without a fight.”
“What if you give up?” I said, another huge slice of bread in my hand.
“Then there’s no more story,” Gavin said. “Maybe you stop reading and pick up another book.”
“What if every book you find reminds you of the first one, but doesn’t come close to touching its beauty? Do you go back and finish the other story? Or allow a new story to become better than the one you can’t forget?”
“What the?” Matt said. “Speak in English. What are you trying to say?”
I shrugged. “Never mind.”
“Nothing will ever be better,” Reese chimed in. “Just different. You are the only one who can decide which story is worth the obstacles.” He looked around the table. “Myra is back home now. She overstayed her visa. Now there’s no way I can see her unless I go to the Philippines. And I can’t become a citizen there easily. It’s a mess. Finally find everything you want and it’s stolen from you and shipped across the world.”
“Isn’t there anything you can do?” I said.
“I’m looking into it. You better believe I’ll fight like hell through these obstacles for her. She’s definitely worth it and I’m not interested in a different story, no matter how hard this one is right now.”
Wow. I listened to the guys talk about their own obstacles until the conversation lightened up and shifted gears toward which decade had the best music. I didn’t talk much the rest of the night. Listened. Wondered. Checked my phone every once in a while hoping for some sort of closure from Heidi. Anything. Anything at all.
But I got nothing.
Ch. 17 | Heidi
Andy and I decided to move to Maryland. Not too far from Riley’s doctors. He told me to continue my business from home when I got to our new apartment, and we’d worry about selling the house on weekends. We’d live close enough that I could drive back and work with a realtor.
Honestly, I didn’t feel like I had a choice. As a married woman, I needed to stick by my husband. For better or worse.
He took a shower as I put Riley to sleep. We hadn’t left the house since New Years, so he told me to run out for some food and he would stay with the baby. When I opened the door a package fell on my feet. Pink and silver stripes.
I picked it up and sat on the couch, then slipped the wrapping paper off and stared at the cover of a deep red scrapbook with the title, “The Story of Us.”
I flipped to the first page. Two broken hearts pasted next to each other. One said “Heidi” above it and the other said “Patrick.” I wiped my eyes and turned the page. A drawing of Patrick and I racing each other down the street. The note above it said, The first night I realized I couldn’t live without you, even if it meant never being yours. I read the rest of the book, reliving memories with Patrick and realizing how beautiful our time together was. No sex. No kissing. No passionate heated embraces. We were best friends. We loved each other inside out.
I turned to the last page. A fork in the road with him on one side and a question mark on the other. The note said: Both paths lead to the unknown. We can never know what tomorrow brings. But if you choose the first path we will walk this life together. We will face the unknown in each others arms. If you choose the second path you will face the unknown without me. I’ve left the rest of the pages in this scrapbook blank, in hopes that one day we can fill the rest together. If you love me, just tell me and we will start our life together. I am nothing without you. I love you, butter.
I tried not to cry, but couldn’t help it. Andy rustled upstairs. I hid the book under the couch cushions and went upstairs.
“Hey,” I said to Andy. “Can we order a pizza? I don’t feel like going out right now.”
“You okay?” he said. “Looks like you’ve been crying.”
“Pizza okay?”
“Sure.”
“I’ll go order it.”
I went to the kitchen and pulled my phone from the charger. Two missed text messages. Pat. I can’t do this. I’m trying to let you go, but I don’t think I can unless I’m dead. Heidi, please tell me how you feel.
I thought for a minute. All cried out. Ignoring his text, I ordered a pizza and sat at the kitchen table. Another text from him. You there?
I typed back. Pat, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I can’t tell you why, but I’m moving. Please let me go. We can’t be together.
I waited. Ashamed to hit send. Ashamed to choose the path without him. Didn’t want to break his heart. He had been through so much with Emily. I so longed to love him the way he deserved. But I couldn’t. I shouldn’t have led him on in the first place.
I hit send.
A single tear landed on the kitchen table. Next to my phone. I waited for him to respond, but he never did.
Pizza came. Andy walked downstairs, smiling. He hugged me and sat down at the table. In anxiety disguised by quiet peace, we ate dinner.
“You look like you’ve lost weight,” I said. “Are you okay?”
“I feel fine,” he said.
We finished eating and spent the rest of the evening watching a Julia Roberts movie.
I fell asleep and when I woke at 3a.m. Andy was still watching movies.
“Can’t sleep,” he said. “It’s not fear. I just haven’t been able to sleep right lately.”
“I will call and find an apartment in Maryland tomorrow. Once I secure one we will move.”
“No. We need to move tomorrow. We can’t stay here. They’ll kill us.”
I yawned. “Come upstairs with me. We can talk about it tomorrow.”
He turned the television off and scanned the front yard before following me up the stairs. I sighed.
The next few hours I barely slept as Andy tossed and turned, grunting and moaning, unable to sleep. His body was covered in sweat even without blankets and at random moments it looked like he was combing his hair in his sleep.
I tapped him at 6a.m. “You okay?”
He shot out of bed and ran to the window. “Where are they?”
“Who?”
“Did you hear that?”
“Andy,” I said. “We need to talk. I need to be honest with you about something.”
“I know you think I’m crazy. I’m not, Heidi. You have to believe me. You of all people.”
“It’s not
that. It’s about a guy I met when you were away.”
Ch. 18 | Patrick
I never believed I was a hero, so I didn’t pretend to be one. She wanted me to let her go, so I did. At least physically. I wouldn’t call or text or try to see her. Not unless she wanted to. I know women say things they don’t mean sometimes. When they want you to stay they tell you to go away. It’s a game, really. A test to see if the man loves her enough to stay even when she begs him to leave. My grandfather once told me, “Always go after the girl. No matter what she says. Chase her.”
I understood that. Sounds wonderful. Sounds romantic. But I did my chasing and she obviously meant what she said. She didn’t want me in her life. Maybe it was too hard to let go of Andy. Maybe she fell in love with me and hated that she did.
I didn’t want that for her. All I wanted was to see her smile. So I let her go, as she wished.
A few days passed and I got used to the idea. I finally walked away from my past and I needed to toss my memories of Heidi into that bin too. The bin of cast away dreams.
Gavin convinced me that I’d find someone for me. Someone who completed me. Thing is . . . I wasn’t looking for completion or romance or lovey-dovey hand holding in the park. In fact, I wasn’t looking for anything. She showed up and stole my heart and my life wouldn’t be the same without her. I didn’t want a wife, completion, whatever. I wanted Heidi.
I stayed late in my office. Staring at my computer screen. My secretary left hours before. I couldn’t move. Nothing to do. Nowhere to be. Bored out of my mind.
I skimmed the contact list in my phone and settled on Miranda.
“Hey, Patrick,” she said. “How’s everything going?”
“It’s going nowhere. What are you up to?”
“Nothing much. Derek just left for Virginia, thankfully. About to lose my mind with his unwanted opinions on everything. Nora is still here. She’s leaving tomorrow.”
“You two weirdos getting along?”
“Yeah.” She laughed. “Couldn’t convince her to dye her hair purple though.”
“Good.”
“What? You don’t like my multi-colored locks?”
“No. Definitely prefer normal women, but that’s okay. You have Derek.”
“I don’t have Derek and he certainly doesn’t have me.”
“Yeah. You’re just too busy looking at the world around you to notice.”
“I’m not ready to settle down. Anyway, what’s on your mind tonight? Need something? Highly unlike you to call someone as normal as me.”
I almost laughed. “How’s Heidi?”
“I wish I knew. She hasn’t talked to me since New Years Eve. Ignores my texts. I stopped by her house the other night to make sure she was okay. Saw the light on upstairs so I assumed she just needed space.”
“Why would she ignore you too?”
“No idea. Hopefully it’s just a phase.”
“She sent me a vague text. Said she’s moving. Any idea why or where?”
“Nope. Never said anything to me about it.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Why don’t you go over there? Knock on the door and make her talk to you.”
“I’m not that kind of guy.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I’m not just going to show up.”
“Maybe that’s what she needs.”
I hung up with Miranda and an email popped up on my computer. Looked like spam, but I accidentally opened it instead of deleting it.
From: Secret Admirer
To: Patrick Weldon
Subject: Here goes nothing
Dear Patrick,
I’m not going to tell you who I am. Not yet at least. I was told you are going through some heartbreak because of a girl who doesn’t love you the way you love her. I was also told that you wouldn’t want to talk to me because of that, so I thought I’d email you instead. I got your email from a mutual friend. Don’t try to guess who.
I’m writing because I saw you at a New Years party at Matt and Lydia’s house. You didn’t notice me because of the girl you were after, but I noticed you.
Maybe it’s weird, but it was love at first sight for me. The first time I saw you I knew I could spend the rest of my life with you. I think if you saw me it would be mutual.
Let me know if you’d be willing to meet me. I’d love to get to know you. Maybe we could talk on the phone first?
Love,
Your One True Love
I immediately called Matt.
“Who put you up to this?” I said. “I’m not falling for your dumb pranks. It’s not funny.”
“Whoa,” Matt said. “Calm down. What are you talking about?”
“My secret admirer. I know this is a prank. I’m not stupid.”
“Seriously have no idea what you’re talking about, dude.”
“I got an email from an address [email protected] who claims to be a girl from your party at New Years. She’s claiming we are destined for each other.”
He laughed. “I’m not a part of this. Sounds interesting though. What did she say?”
“Wants to meet up or talk on the phone. Saw me at the party. Were there girls at your house I hadn’t met before?”
“Let me think.” He paused for a few seconds. “There were a few. Myra brought another girl from the Philippines. Super beautiful and she was very quiet and nice. Then there was another girl. I think she was a friend of Miranda. Other than that and the girl you brought, I have no idea.”
“This better not be a prank.”
“Why? Do you like having a secret admirer?”
“I’m just not in the mood for games.”
“I’d say meet her. Can’t hurt to go on a date.”
“Do you remember how those blind dates turned out for you?”
He laughed.
“Yeah, not interested.”
We ended our conversation and I stared at the email. Spam wouldn’t have had all the references to Matt’s house. I hit reply.
From: Patrick Wheldon
To: Secret Admirer
Subject: RE: Here goes nothing
Dear person, if you are a real person,
I’m sorry to seem so rude, but I have no interest in dating right now. I’m sure you are a wonderful person and would make a great wife, but you won’t be my wife. Find a man who can love you right. Don’t chase after me because I’m heartbroken. Why do girls do that anyway? You can’t save me. No one will compare to the one I love. If I can’t have her, I don’t want anyone else. I hope you don’t take it personal, but my heart belongs to her. Always will.
I hope you find someone better than what I can give. And I’m sure you will, because I have nothing to give.
Patrick
From: Secret Admirer
To: Patrick Wheldon
Subject: RE: Here goes nothing
I understand. Could we just be friends? Wanna meet me at Starbucks tonight at 7pm? If not, maybe we could just email. I could use a friend right now.
I responded and told her I’d email, but nothing else. Didn’t want to give her any ideas or false hopes. Being heartbroken is contagious and I didn’t want to see anyone as sick as me.
Ch. 19 | Heidi
I tried to tell Andy about Patrick, but he said, “If you didn’t kiss or have sex with him, I don’t care. I’m back now and I know you love me.” I did love him, of course. But things changed. Now I loved him because he needed me, not because I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I could imagine it, because it happened.
We packed a few suitcases and loaded up my car. Andy wanted to leave first thing in the morning. He thought “they” wouldn’t be watching if we left earlier. I agreed so long as we could take my car.
We left at sunrise. Riley played in the backseat as we drove off in silence. I left a message on a realtors phone the night before. Hopefully I’d have no problems selling the place.
Andy didn’t have a destination. We
drove south and he said we’d know when we found our new home, just like we knew we were home when we found each other. I tried to smile. Tried to resurrect my feelings for him, but the love I had for him was different now. Less romantic and more sacrificial. Maybe that’s true love, I thought to myself. When you love someone more than yourself, more than your own hopes and dreams.
Movies and books accentuated sensualism and romanticism. I never liked that. Almost boycotted it most of my life. Probably because it made me feel inadequate, like my dreams could never be attained and I’d live my life depressed because of it. I let go of my hopes for the perfect love story, but couldn’t it be just as beautiful to stay faithful to someone your entire life even when emotions are absent? Emotions come and go, it’s how much we love when they go that shows what kind of person we really are.
I didn’t want to be selfish. Andy was a good guy. He loved me as much as he could love a person. It may not had been the love story of my dreams, but the beauty of some love stories isn’t so much in the highs as it is the lows.
Our drive south was peaceful. Riley did well, although I had to climb in the back and nurse her a few times. We ended up in Baltimore, but Andy feared being so close to D.C. so we traveled further west to Frederick County, right by the West Virginia line. We checked into a hotel and planned to find an apartment the next day.
Life has a way of tripping you. Just when you think you’re walking along to a better path, the road starts shaking and the earth cracks. You fall into a ditch and realize that you can’t get out. Two options, sit in the ditch and complain the rest of your life. Or, sit in the ditch and tell yourself the view is quite beautiful.
I figured I’d spend my life telling myself, but never really believing, that the view is better from the depth of a canyon than it is from the height of a mountain.
I thought about her words for so long that she picked her book back up and read until she fell asleep. I turned the light off and went to my room. I wasn’t content in my singleness. Not at all. I didn’t want a friend. I wanted a husband. Someone to experience life with. All of life. Ups and downs and in-betweens.