by Marilyn Grey
I woke up in the middle of the night to the hotel’s rattling heater. Riley slept beside the bed in a pack-n-play. Sweet, peaceful baby. I turned to Andy. Sweat covered his body. Again. I watched him sleep. Put my hand against his chest. His heart was racing. Really fast. He moved his hands. Eyes still closed. Looked like he was trying to button his shirt, only his shirt had no buttons.
I tapped his shoulder. He flung his body into a sitting position.
“Andy, you’re doing weird things in your sleep. Are you okay?”
He exhaled. “Where are we?”
“In the hotel.”
“I can’t sleep. I just lay here all night. Every night.” His speech was slow and slurred.
“You need to see a doctor. I think something’s wrong.”
“Nothing’s wrong. I can’t sleep, that’s all.”
“We’re going to the doctor tomorrow, Andy. If you don’t I am going to call the cops on you and tell them everything.”
His head hit the pillow. “Where are we?”
“The hotel.”
“Which state?”
“Maryland.”
Ch. 20 | Patrick
A week passed since I last spoke with Heidi. Hate to sound pathetic, but I caved in and went to her house. Still had my spare key, so I walked in when no one answered the door. House was clean. Wherever she went she didn’t take much.
I saw an envelope addressed to me on the kitchen table. After smelling it, I opened it and read.
Dear Patrick,
I’m so sorry to have brought you into the mess of my life. There’s so much more than I’ve shared. Andy made me promise not to tell a soul. I hope you can appreciate my desire to keep promises, no matter what it costs me.
I’ve realized some things, Pat. My time with you taught me a lot. You’ve shown me that the heart can live again after it stops beating. You’ve shown me that true love starts from the inside and works its way out. And more than anything ... you’ve shown me that two people can love each other mutually, more than they love their own selves.
I know my actions are hard to understand. Please know that I needed to leave and my love for you is part of the reason. You deserve happiness. You deserve better than me, Patrick. I know you would shake your head and say it’s not true. What is true ... is that you’re the sweetest guy I’ve ever known and it kills me that I may never know you again.
One day, after you’ve moved on and started a family with a beautiful wife, I will tell you why I had to do this. Right now just isn’t the right time.
Please, let me go as you have let Emily go. Walk into your future with bright eyes and hope for tomorrow. There’s hope even in the darkest corners. If I can say that, so can you. Find a way to live again. For me. For what could have been.
When you’re ready ... if a nice girl walks into your life and gives you her heart, give her yours. Please.
I’m just a memory now.
Always in my heart,
Heidi
The letter was sweet, but it pissed me off. I ripped it up and left the pieces on her kitchen table, then walked out to my so-called bright future. I don’t know what she intended, but the heart doesn’t work like that. You don’t fall in love with a person and swipe your heart back when it’s convenient. The fact that she claimed she loved me, only to tell me that we couldn’t be together and I needed to give my heart to another girl, seriously pissed me off.
What kind of sick game show did I end up on?
I left her house and tried to call her at the next stoplight, but her phone was disconnected. Not in service. She must’ve changed her number.
I punched my steering wheel, then squeezed it as hard as I could. I’m not an angry kind of guy. I don’t pinch and hit and yell. I’ve never thrown anything across the room. But right then I sure as hell wanted to.
Not because of her. Whatever she did, she genuinely thought was for the best. I wasn’t angry with her. Just the situation. The twisted circumstances that I never failed to shove my heart into.
I didn’t say this often either, but I needed a drink.
Another email popped up on my phone.
From: Secret Admirer
To: Patrick Wheldon
Subject: Something you used to do...
Hey Patrick, just wondering ... what’s one thing you did before marrying your wife that you wish you could do again?
From: Patrick Wheldon
To: Secret Admirer
Subject: RE: Something you used to do...
Hello nameless strange person, I used to skateboard. Haven’t in years.
From: Secret Admirer
To: Patrick Wheldon
Subject: RE: Something you used to do...
Meet me at the skate park in 10?
From: Patrick Wheldon
To: Secret Admirer
Subject: RE: Something you used to do...
No.
From: Secret Admirer
To: Patrick Wheldon
Subject: RE: Something you used to do...
Okay. Well, maybe go by yourself? Might be fun to try it again. If you want company, I’ll be spying on you from the tree branches. Watch out for flying acorns.
I laughed. Almost responded and told her that trees don’t have acorns in winter, but I refrained. Never in a million years would I fall for a secret admirer, but curiosity lingered. Weird to imagine. Kinda creepy too. If she didn’t know my friends, I definitely would’ve trashed her email.
Can’t say the oddness of it didn’t intrigue me though. Just a little.
Ch. 21 | Heidi
Andy and I walked into an apartment building and he asked the lady at the front desk if we could see a vacant rental. She pressed a few buttons on the phone and a few minutes later a man walked up to us, shook our hands, and led us through a hallway, up two flights of stairs, down another hallway that smelled like curry, and to a door. He unlocked it, revealed the one-bedroom apartment with tan carpet and one small window by the kitchen, then asked us if we liked it. Andy looked at me. I nodded. I’d take anything at this point, didn’t really care. Also liked that it was a month-to-month lease, just in case Andy left me again.
The man led us back down the hall, the steps, the other hall, and into the office. I signed a few papers. Andy refused to have anything in his name. He didn’t want to be tracked. I didn’t remind him that someone could probably find him through me if they really wanted to. Instead, I signed the papers, paid the deposit, and took the key.
“That easy?” I said.
The lady blew a bubble with her gum, then popped it. “Yup.”
“Thanks.”
We took our stuff out of the car and brought it to our new home. I set Riley’s bed up in the bedroom and piled some sheets, blankets, and pillows on the floor beside it. Andy ran into the room, out of breath. What now? I wanted to say, but couldn’t.
He reclined onto the pillows and stared at the ceiling.
“Andy, can I be straight up with you?” I sat beside him and pulled Riley toward me.
“Of course.”
“If you leave me one more time you are never coming back. I will move on, get married again, and live as though you really are dead.”
“But—“
“No.”
“But if th—“
“I’m serious. If you leave me again I will never let you back into my life.” I hugged Riley to my chest. “Or Riley’s.”
He extended his hand and we shook. Strange. Like a business deal or something. I hoped he understood my seriousness. No more fresh starts. No more games and fears ruling our lives. I couldn’t stand it anymore.
He stood and surveyed our makeshift bed. “Probably be a little bit before we can afford furniture. Want to go get dinner somewhere?”
I bundled Riley in her winter gear and followed Andy back to the car. We drove around for a while, scoping out our new area for grocery stores, restaurants, and the nearest Target. I couldn’t live without Target. Everything from bananas to
underwear all in one place? Definitely a must-have in my book.
We settled on a local Ruby Tuesday’s, ordered a three-course meal and talked about furniture in the midst of Andy’s mild panic attacks. Every time his eyes snapped to-and-fro looking for someone out to get him I pictured Patrick. His peacefulness. The way he thought I was crazy for being scared of the dark. His strength. His lips.
I hated myself for thinking of him so much, but willpower didn’t help. The heart can ignore the mind. Happens all the time. But the mind cannot ignore the heart. I tried, believe me. Doesn’t work. The heart rules when the mind is in doubt.
“Do you see that?” He pointed to the decorations above our table.
I shook my head. Didn’t see anything abnormal.
“They are everywhere,” he said. “The Illuminati. It’s a pyramid symbol. I see them everywhere I go.”
“And that means?”
He leaned in and whispered, “They are watching us. See the eyeball in the pyramid?”
I rubbed my eyes, five times, hard.
“You don’t believe anything I say.”
“I don’t know what to believe, but whether it’s true or not, I don’t really care.”
“How can you not care?”
“I could get into my car right now, get hit by a drunk driver, and be dead. Why am I going to spend my last precious minutes of life worrying about how I could die, or how it might happen, or when it might happen? I’d rather live. When I die, I will die having lived, instead of living my last moments in fear of the end.”
He tried to breath, his chest in a rapid rise and fall, like he just sat down after sprinting a mile. I reached for his hand, rubbed his knuckles, hoping my touch would bring him momentary peace. His hand tensed under mine until he pulled it away and waived the waitress to our table. She gave him the check, he paid immediately, then handed me the receipt.
“Read it,” he said.
“What?”
“The amount of our bill.”
“$66.60.” I looked at him. “And?”
“It’s 666, Heidi. Don’t you see the connections? Don’t you see the dots? Come on, please tell me you see it.”
I tugged at my hair as heat blazed through my body. Rocking back and forth, I erupted and screamed so loud the people in the restaurant quieted and looked at our table. Dishes and forks stopped clanking. Waiters stopped filling drinks. I forced myself to sit as still as possible, clenched my fists, then screamed again. Once I got it out of my system, Andy ushered me out of the building. Riley cried the entire time. And we didn’t say a word during the entire drive “home.”
Ch. 22 | Patrick
Don’t know why, but I decided to meet my secret admirer. Hilarious to even say that out loud. Why anyone would admire me, who knows. But someone did and she said she would only tell me her name in person.
I finally emailed and asked to meet her, but she said we needed to wait until I fell in love with her. Since that wouldn’t be happening, I told her we could remain pen pals out of boredom. She agreed, but promised that one day I would marry her. The girl was nuts. At times I wondered if it was Miranda. She always seemed to flirt with me, subtle hints in her eyes, but she’d never do that to Heidi. Now that Heidi left, probably forever, maybe she thought she could find her way to me by playing this game.
Okay, so I kind of enjoyed it. But I couldn’t tell if that was because I liked the attention and flattery, because I was bored and lonely, or because I genuinely found myself interested in this person. Our emails were always good. They ranged from flat-out strange and sarcastic to profound and intelligent. In other words, she had a brain and a sense of humor. I liked that.
But it was too soon to meet someone else. So I decided to keep the emails going. If I fell for her, then I would, but I wouldn’t think about it in the process.
She convinced me to try skateboarding again. Why not? It had been almost ten years since I last touched my feet to a board. Didn’t even own one anymore. So I bought a nice Zero deck and got everything else to put it together. Didn’t take long before I pulled up to the empty skatepark at sunrise. Figured I’d skate before work. Mostly in case I looked ridiculous. At least then I’d be the only one watching. Well, me and my secret admirer. She asked for me to send her a video to prove that I did it. I told her I would if she gave me a clue to her identity. She agreed.
I practiced for a few minutes. Foot to board with the other grazing the asphalt. Once I got my bearings I tried some easy tricks, laughing along the way. The cold air refreshed me for once. Wind biting my face as I got comfortable enough to try a nose-slide again. I succeeded and glided my way to the vert ramp with a huge smile on my face. Nothing as freeing as skateboarding. I forgot how much I loved it. I set my phone on the top of the ramp so it would record as I skated. Then I went down the ramp and messed around. Even managed a three-sixty powerslide. So refreshing to ride again. Sometimes you don’t realize how much you love something until it’s gone.
Heidi’s smile flickered in my mind. Dreams that die can live on in your heart, but dead dreams make dead hearts. I needed to live again. To feel life. Really enjoy it. To keep my heart alive and latch onto dreams that live forever.
If anything, my pen pal friend was a good distraction from Heidi. I hate to say it, but a good rebound. Sounds horrible, but sometimes it’s true. Sometimes you just need to see that it’s possible to love again before you allow yourself to move on. Otherwise you end up standing on the sidelines as the rest of the world skates by.
I sat on the ground with the board under my legs. Hit send on the video and got a response within minutes.
From: Secret Admirer
To: Patrick Wheldon
Subject: RE: skatepark vid
Wow! Lol. That is so funny. You look like you’re really enjoying yourself. That made my day!! Thank you for really doing it. You look like a kid again.
Alright, so a deal is a deal. Clue #1 about my identity: my natural hair color is brown.
From: Patrick Wheldon
To: Secret Admirer
Subject: RE: skatepark vid
Natural color, huh? Is this Miranda? Are you messing with me or do you really “admire” me? Haha...
From: Secret Admirer
To: Patrick Wheldon
Subject: RE: skatepark vid
Not telling you who I am until you tell me you love me.
From: Patrick Wheldon
To: Secret Admirer
Subject: RE: skatepark vid
You may be waiting a lifetime then. Chances of me professing my love to a stranger via email are pretty slim. Especially with another girl on my mind.
From: Secret Admirer
To: Patrick Wheldon
Subject: RE: skatepark vid
You are the prize of my life and I’m going to win you.
Mark. My. Words.
I did mark her words, but not in a good way. I marked her down as a little over the coo-coo’s nest, but for whatever reason I couldn’t stop emailing her. All of our late night emails kept me company when I normally fell asleep alone. And during the day I liked having someone to laugh with. The girl definitely succeeded at making me laugh. Nothing like a woman with a sense of humor. I’d pick sense of humor over beauty any day. Yeah, I’d take humor over looks, but a sweet face would be nice to stare into as well.
Days passed and I found myself thinking about this girl in my dreams. During the day I couldn’t wait to email her and at night I blinked at my ceiling wondering what she looked like, who she was, if I was given a third chance at this thing called love. They say the third time is a charm.
I went to my closet and pulled a bag from the back of the top shelf, hidden under layers of childhood memories. The bag crinkled as I pulled the box out and opened it. Sparkling in the nighttime glow, speaking of what could have been. Size 5. Ornate design. Three small diamonds and four baguettes. Would’ve been perfect on her finger.
I dreamed of proposing since the moment we first met.
I wanted to wait until Riley’s first surgery. I was going to propose right beforehand, telling her that I wanted to experience all life had to offer with her by my side, the highs and lows, the smiles and the tears, together. I hadn’t decided on a method yet. Figured Matt could help me with ideas. His proposal was amazing.
Anyway, none of that mattered. I flipped on the television and picked up my phone.
From: Patrick Wheldon
To: Secret Admirer
Subject: What are you up to
Bored. What are you doing tonight?
From: Secret Admirer
To: Patrick Wheldon
Subject: RE: What are you up to
Thinking of you. If we have a boy first, what do you want to name him?
From: Patrick Wheldon
To: Secret Admirer
Subject: RE: What are you up to
Vanilla Ice.
From: Secret Admirer
To: Patrick Wheldon
Subject: RE: What are you up to
Wow! We are meant to be! That’s exactly what I was thinking.
From: Patrick Wheldon
To: Secret Admirer