by Marilyn Grey
Subject: RE: What are you up to
I was thinking a lot today and I realized that I have spent the last few years “getting over” things. Dealing with life. Forcing myself to breath when I realize I’m so stressed that I forget to breathe normally.
When I was skateboarding (thank you for that) I felt that wind on my face and realized I was breathing again. I’m gonna be really honest with you because, well, because I don’t know you and that makes this easier.
When I was a kid I was always the kid other boys came to when they needed advice. They’d ask me what to get their girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. I was also the kid that never had a valentine. All the girls wanted to be my friend. They thought I was one of the girls or something because I was sensitive and paid attention to the needs of others. Anyway, I never dated much, but had a ton of girls who loved me like one of the girls.
When I met Emily she needed me. In a way the other girls didn’t. She opened up to me in ways she never did for anyone else. She told me about the abuse she experienced as a kid and how she felt. Because of this, I became the one person who loved every part of her, not just the parts she showed people. So naturally she thought she loved me too, even though she never really did. She couldn’t. I don’t blame her.
Sorry to write a novel here. What I’m trying to say is that when I met this other girl, Heidi, I tried desperately not to fall in love with her. When I first saw her she was pregnant. What kind of guy falls in love with a pregnant girl? It was beyond her appearance. Something happened when we made eye contact. Then we became close. Once again another girl considered me her best friend. I was there for the birth of her baby. I was there when Riley rolled over the first time and got her first tooth. I was there. All the time. We were inseparable.
And something happened during those moments we spent together. Something changed in the way she looked at me. I knew she loved me. I knew it with every fiber of my being. And it was the first time I’ve ever felt that way in my life. Do you see what I’m saying? It was the first time in my life I looked at a woman, and she looked back at me, and we felt the same exact unexplainable love for each other.
That is true love.
And when you find it once, you want to fight like hell to keep it forever.
I like you. I think you’re funny. Smart. Probably absolutely stunning. But you have a lot to live up to if you want me to fall in love again. It’s only happened for me once and it was the highlight of my life.
There. Now that my heart is bleeding all over you.... Does any of that scare you away?
From: Secret Admirer
To: Patrick Wheldon
Subject: RE: What are you up to
Dearest Patrick,
Thank you for that...
No. It doesn’t scare me away. All good things have to die one day. I have a history too. My past isn’t the most pretty thing in the world. My parents never really loved me. I wasn’t a boy. I tried to play baseball and football and hockey, meanwhile all the girls in my school were listening to the Backstreet Boys and trying to become figure skaters and horseback riders. Kinda funny, huh? You spent your life as one of the girls and I spent mine as one of the boys. Lol.
So yeah, I dated a ton of guys. Little opposite of you there. But I never gave my heart away. Not until this one guy walked into my life. He said all the right things, did all the right things, and so yeah, I fell for him. Looking back though I realize that I didn’t really fall in love with him, I fell in love with the idea of him.
So fast forward through a bunch of hoopla and here I am.
I know you don’t know me, but I’m asking you to give this a chance. We have our pasts. Okay. Lets throw them in the trash and move on.
If you just give me a chance to look into your eyes, just once, I bet it will be 5000 times better than what you experienced with Heidi.
So. Did I scare you away yet? If so, I was just kidding. If not, lets keep talking.
From: Patrick Wheldon
To: Secret Admirer
Subject: RE: What are you up to
This has got to be the craziest thing I’ve ever done in my life.
You are a true weirdo. Now, time for bed. Talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight nameless wonder.
Ch. 23 | Heidi
The next few days hummed by like meaningless scenes you fall asleep to during a movie. I drove back to Pennsylvania with Riley. Needed to meet my realtor, sign things, and go over stuff, then I came right back. Didn’t even step foot in the house. Didn’t want to. Ever again. Andy never left the apartment. I walked inside as he was carrying a piece of cardboard to the kitchen. He stopped, kissed my cheek, and kept going.
I stood in the empty living room as he duct-taped the cardboard to the window. Riley smiled as I bounced her on my hip. I tried to smile back. Tried to make her think life was normal. Everything was normal.
Everything was a disaster.
Andy clapped his hands together, pleased with his efforts, then turned to me. I raised my eyebrows, mouthed ooookay, and walked to the empty bedroom. Empty rooms galore. Andy didn’t have a job, I didn’t have a savings account, and no one knew my business in Maryland. My clients came to me via word-of-mouth and there wasn’t any word spreading outside of Philly.
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry anymore, especially not in front of Riley. Poor thing. She smiled her way through life, no idea that our world was making its way through a paper shredder. At least I had her. At least we had each other. And I’d never leave her. Never love myself more than I loved her.
Which made me wonder. Was Andy really the best thing for Riley? She needed a normal life. If I didn’t homeschool her she’d eventually have to face her peers with a big weird contraption on her leg, She’d definitely get made fun of and feel different. I can only imagine how much more the kids would say if they knew her father was running from men in black who no one ever saw but himself.
She pulled on the side of her playpen and tried to stand. Looked more like a leaning tower. She smiled at me, chubby cheeks and all. I squeezed her cheeks and kissed her lips. “You have no idea, little one.” She babbled and mumbled, then tried to take a step toward me. I grabbed one of her hands and placed my other hand under her short leg, trying to balance her so she could walk evenly. Her smile Windexed the cloudy sky and left no streaks, only blue as blue can be. For a few minutes I played with her on the floor, enjoying the sunshine, wishing it would last. I dreaded the surgeries and doctors and pain my baby would endure. Dreaded it more than I dreaded anything else. Soon she’d need me to have enough strength to blow her clouds away, and right now I barely had the strength to exhale.
Andy took a shower while I got Riley ready for bed, then placed her in her playpen and curled up on the floor beside her. A few minutes later Andy fell asleep beside me. I watched him. Couldn’t sleep with all his jerky motions. Plus I felt horrible for him. His terrors haunted him even when he slept. My eyes closed and at some point my dreams took over. So vivid and detailed. A man and I holding hands as nurses wheeled Riley away for her surgery. He held me. I couldn’t see his face, though I tried to make it out. My dream made him faceless. All I know is I felt at home in his arms.
I woke to Andy tapping my shoulder and whispering something. I sat up.
“Look what time it is,” he said.
“3:33?”
“Another sign. They are messing with me, Heidi. They’re playing mind games with me.”
“Go to sleep, dear.” I rubbed his head and ran my fingers through his hair until he closed his eyes. Never seen a soul so tortured. Made me want to take his place. Take it away and let him run free again. He needed a break from the madness. He needed a lighthouse to guide him back to shore. I watched him twitch in his sleep, wishing I could be a lighthouse for him, but I worried nothing would suffice. I worried the poor guy would die of paranoia.
Ch. 24 | Patrick
My ride to work changed from a warm car to a brisk ride on my board, and I couldn’t have been happier. So glad Secre
t Admirer Chick told me to try it again. So many childhood joys get lost in the busyness of pretending to be an adult. I think Michael Jackson should’ve been admired more than he was. Well, maybe he was forced into his childlikeness because he never had the chance to be a kid, but still, I always admired his water balloon fights and afternoon tree climbs. People thought he was crazy, but he was just trying to find life inside of tragedy. Sometimes the only way to find life is to be like a kid. And skateboarding made me feel like a kid again. A recovered childhood dream that forced me to remember who I was before the storm. I was fun. And filled with life.
When I got to work I emailed her.
From: Patrick Wheldon
To: Secret Admirer
Subject: Childhood
What’s one childhood joy you haven’t experienced since you were a kid?
From: Secret Admirer
To: Patrick Wheldon
Subject: RE: Childhood
Mmmm… probably horseback riding. Did it once when I was ten, loved it so much it made me cry, but haven’t done it since.
From: Patrick Wheldon
To: Secret Admirer
Subject: RE: Childhood
Go and do it. I have loved every minute of skateboarding. It makes me want to scream to the world… GO AND DO SOMETHING YOU LOVE RIGHT NOW! Something you haven’t done in at least ten years. Then make the person next to you do the same thing.
From: Secret Admirer
To: Patrick Wheldon
Subject: RE: Childhood
Can I be super honest with you?
From: Patrick Wheldon
To: Secret Admirer
Subject: RE: Childhood
Yeah
From: Secret Admirer
To: Patrick Wheldon
Subject: RE: Childhood
Do you think we are just going to spend our lives emailing back and forth like this? Nothing happening? I’m thinking maybe we should stop. It doesn’t feel right anymore.
From: Patrick Wheldon
To: Secret Admirer
Subject: RE: Childhood
What would it feel like if it felt right?
From: Secret Admirer
To: Patrick Wheldon
Subject: RE: Childhood
Like you wanted to meet me.
From: Patrick Wheldon
To: Secret Admirer
Subject: RE: Childhood
Maybe I do.
From: Secret Admirer
To: Patrick Wheldon
Subject: RE: Childhood
Maybe, but I’m starting to wonder if I can do this. I’m kinda nervous… what if I’m doing the wrong thing? What if you regret this? What if I do? What if life isn’t meant to be as beautiful as our dreams?
From: Patrick Wheldon
To: Secret Admirer
Subject: RE: Childhood
I can’t fall in love with you before we meet. I just can’t give you that. I’m up for meeting, but if you’re looking for a husband, you’re looking in the wrong store. I’m not for sale. Not yet at least. And when I am for sale, if I am, I will be a used and tattered heart, not a brand new one.
From: Secret Admirer
To: Patrick Wheldon
Subject: RE: Childhood
Okay.
She never sent an email after that. Neither did I. The “okay” distracted me the rest of the day. I even called the cops thinking my car was stolen. When they arrived they were pretty frustrated when I realized I rode my skateboard to work, not my car.
Finally, I caved and wrote her an email, asking her to meet in person, but I erased it. I don’t know. My heart wanted to leap into an adventure, but I couldn’t give half of myself to someone. That’s not me. I’m all in, or all out. Completely understood Matt on that one. I didn’t want to give her any false hopes, so I let it go, deleted all of her emails, and skated home remembering when I was sixteen and made girls sit in the backseat of my car so Dolly, my board, could ride in the front seat. Hilariously ironic. I decided to name my new board Folly. Seemed fitting.
Ch. 25 | Heidi
Took all I had, but I finally convinced Andy to go to the doctor. We parked in front of the hospital and he freaked out. Thankfully I drove. Otherwise he would’ve sped off. His hands quivered as I forced him out of the car. With Riley on my hip, I steadied Andy with my other hand. His pupils were tiny and he could barely walk to the entrance. Every step we’d take, he’d turn real fast, jerking his head, eyes darting all over the place, and ask me where we were.
We reached the entrance and he said it again.
“This is a hospital, Andy.”
“It’s a spy camp,” he screamed, then charged off into the parking lot.
I jogged after him. Riley laughed. If only it were funny.
I found him hunched over by a row of bushes. “Andy, it’s cold and I need to take Riley inside to change her. Please come inside. This isn’t a spy camp. It’s a hospital. You’re not well.”
“They’re going to kill me if I go in there.”
“Please come. You need to come. If they try to kill you at least we’ll die together.”
He limped to the door. I signed in and gave them his information. When I turned around he was gone.
A woman screamed. “Gun. Gun. Get down.” Everyone in the room fell to the ground. Papers flew across desks and chairs toppled over. I panicked. He was right. Someone was going to kill us. And all this time I didn’t believe him.
I covered Riley’s ears and knelt on the ground with the rest of the waiting room. Then I looked up and saw him pointing a gun at everyone in the room.
Andy.
With a gun.
“Come near me and I’ll shoot.” He sounded drunk, but he couldn’t have been. “I swear I will.”
I stood and left Riley on the floor. “Andy.”
A swarm of cops fled in and tackled him, pinning him to the ground. I ran to them. “No, no, he’s my husband. They need to check him out. He isn’t feeling well. Something’s wrong.”
They ignored me and took him away.
One of the cops stayed behind, “Mind coming with me, ma’am?”
I followed him through the wide eyes and toppled chairs, picked Riley back up, and hid my tears in her neck. My life was supposed to be filled with afternoon tea and cookies, late nights staring at the moon, and sunrises on the bay. Not this. Not anything close to this nightmare.
Andy was taken to jail, but after realizing he wasclearly unwell, they took him to a secluded room in a psych ward and strapped him to a bed. The doctor came out and ushered me back to his office. Riley and I sat in front of the desk. The chill in the air made me shiver.
He clasped his hands on top of a folder and cleared his throat. “This is a rare disease. Extremely rare. I can’t know for sure until we run some tests, but he’s showing all the signs and symptoms.”
“What is it?” I said.
“Can you tell me how long he has been acting strange?”
“About a year, but he has a good reason for it.”
“You don’t understand, miss. He’s dying.”
“He seems fine. Just a little mentally unstable. I think it’s stress. He had this job and everything starte—”
“No. This is a symptom of a bigger problem. I think Andy has Fatal Familial Insomnia. It’s a rare condition. The simplest way I can explain it is that his body carries a gene. One day these people wake up and their lives change. It starts out with paranoia, strange phobias. This may last a few months until the panic attacks and hallucinations become more serious. Eventually the patient experiences a severe case of insomnia. It may appear as though he’s sleeping, maybe even sleep walking, but he’s never really asleep. Not in a deep sleep, that is. It’s a very serious and progressive disease. I’m afraid he is at the tail end of it, if my diagnosis is correct.”
“I don’t understand. He had this court case. People were upset with him. The fears were real. Some of them at least.”
“He will die very soon.” He f
iddled with his folder, pushed around papers. “I’m sorry to tell you this. I know it’s hard. His body will continue to fail him. His speech may change. These patients, they somewhat resemble dementia patients. Eventually they die. It’s something you need to be aware of, however, because it may affect you again. Although it’s not contagious, it is genetic.” He looked at Riley. “At this time we have no cure or prevention. If your daughter carries this gene, she will inevitably experience the same thing.”
I pinched my nose and held back tears. One person can only take so much before they lose all hope.
“It generally hits people between twenty-five and fifty years old,” he said. “Although each case is unique.”
“Nothing can be done? I don’t understand. I’ve never heard of this. What is it doing to him? Is it like cancer?”
“It’s a prion disorder which affects the nervous system.”
“What does that mean?”
“It’s a genetic mutation. The patient loses his ability to sleep and this degenerates the body and leads to death.”
I stared at him. Blinking. Wondering. Waiting for an end to the nightmare that had become my life, but he only stared back, in silence, conveying to me the truth of my reality, the truth that all things, whether or not we want them to happen or not, will happen the way they are meant to. Life goes on. Hills of happiness and valleys of despair. It’s all there. And I wasn’t sure I could do it anymore.