Unfiltered

by Leigh Lennon

  “Is that something you want to talk about, your parents?”

  I give her a shy grin. “Yes, I want to share my parents with you. I mean you don’t even know their names.” She sits up in bed, holding my hand, ready to listen. “My mom was Emma. I mean, when my Emma came along there was no question as to what we would name her. My dad was Jonathan. Annie and I were dating maybe three months and I had taken my mom’s car to her house. The next thing I know, Annie’s dad sat down next to me and told me there was an accident. I don’t remember much more.”

  I let one lonely tear trickle down my face. “I just remember social services came to get me and Annie’s parents applied for guardianship. My only remaining family were my mom’s parents in New York. They were too old to take me in.”

  I move into her as she takes time to comfort me. “I am so sorry, so sorry. No child should have to go through that.”

  “I will try all I can to bridge that gap between you and your dad. I know it doesn’t make it right but you have more than I do, or more than Lorelei has. So, don’t think I am trying to force something but if you and your dad can heal your relationship, it is one gift you will treasure later in life. I promise you.”

  28

  Justine

  The month of December flies by for me. Every night when I get home from work, more of Nick’s stuff now occupies my house. “This seems like a lot of shit to move in,” I say one night, thinking that we could look for a house to call our own once his house sells.

  He startles me when he announces, “I am thinking I want to stay here for good.” I am rocked by this revelation. “I know your house needs more work than mine does, but you are more attached to this place. We can make the changes together and really make it ours.”

  “Are you serious?” As much as I want to start this new life together, the idea of saying goodbye to my house makes me ache physically inside.

  Nick continues, “I would love to stay here. Your house means so much to you and I feel we can do a good job of making it ours.” Touched is not the word I would use for Nick’s selflessness. “Would you mind if I got a general contractor to figure out our next move?”

  I stand, throwing my arms around him. “I love you.” He is too logical at times, but it is a good idea about the contractor and I nod my head. I am moved at how much he truly wants to take care of me.

  “If we’ve made up our minds, I will go ahead and put my house on the market,” Nick says with zero attachment.

  “You just bought it; won’t you lose money?”

  “No more than I would in six months.”

  Selling the house scares me to death. He sees my reaction and probes, “Talk to me, Justine, what is going on in that pretty little head of yours? And don’t say nothing.”

  “What about...just in case…” I can’t finish my sentence.

  “We don’t work out?” He finally finishes it for me.

  “Yes.”

  He pulls me over to the couch, “I am not even thinking that way, but I guess if it doesn’t we probably wouldn’t even want to be neighbors after that,” he says casually.

  “Well, that certainly is an easy response for you.”

  “Not this again, sweetheart. You asked me a simple question that has a simple answer logistically. But you and I not working out is something I haven’t even thought about. You must be thinking that way, though.”

  I don’t answer him because the truth is I am fucking scared shitless.

  “Well, honey, I have tried so hard to ease your anxiety about not leaving when the going gets tough. That leads me to think that you are having second thoughts.”

  Was I? Could that be possible? Was my self-consciousness taking over for me? No, it couldn’t be. I finally answer after battling the voices in my mind. “Oh, heavens no. Lord, did I give that impression? No, honey, I am so sorry.”

  He winks with an easy smile that placates my nerves. “Okay, I believe you.” As he turns, he looks over his shoulder. “Do you see how easy that is? You told me something and I believe you.” He winks at me again to offset the tone with which he delivers the message.

  Choosing for once to remain silent, I ponder why this is hard. What we have is right, but it seems too easy, as if he is too good to be true. He is too much of everything for me. Nick is handsome, a protector, a pleaser and not to mention a fabulous and tender lover. He takes care of me, fixes things in my house, loves my kids, and took time to get to know my friends. Maybe that saying, “too good to be true” is just that.

  It is New Year’s Eve and at four in the afternoon, Nick announces, “All right, sweetheart, that’s it. I think I am officially moved in.”

  It was a month of a lot of rearranging. I cleared crap from my house I haven’t seen in years. I have made so many trips to the Habitat for Humanity re-store for donation, they know me by name.

  I have given Nick full control of the walls with the exception of a couple keepsakes I can’t part with. His stuff is much nicer than mine and is a great eclectic mix of my shabby chic style and his masculine modern taste. One morning, I go around with adhesive note cards and mark the paintings he could take down and replace with his own. After work that night, I walk into a whole new house. He has replaced a couple pictures on my mantle with one of Emma and Tyler’s wedding picture and one of Nick and I at Thanksgiving. They are displayed right next to the pictures I have of my own kids. “Is this all right?” he asks sheepishly.

  I stretch my arms around his waist. “I love it. These are both of ours, and they should be displayed together.” Looking around at the change, I say, “You did a good job blending our lives together.”

  After his announcement that the last box is finally unpacked, I am pleased as I survey the final results. It wasn’t as big of an impact, doing it little by little rather than all at once.

  I love our new bedroom. I gave up a lot of the girly frivolities in my bedroom décor. Nick referred to my vintage rose quilt as an atrocity, so naturally it had to go. The shabby chic flower paintings that hung above the headboard were gone. I walk into the bedroom and see a steel blue comforter that covers our new king-sized bed perfectly. This was a compromise of mass proportions. We spent all day going from store to store to find the perfect finishing touch for our paradise. He found some modern black and white photography of flowers, replacing my vintage photos but knowing I had to have some sort of floral decor in the room somewhere. We painted the room a calming light grey color. “Goodbye, sunflower yellow,” he had said out loud last month as he’d started painting the walls.

  “What? I like yellow,” I said.

  “I know! I can tell just by walking through the house,” he teased.

  I stand before him in our new bedroom remembering that day. I hug him from behind, placing my arms around his chiseled abdomen. “It looks nice. I love the pictures you have framed and that you didn’t forget about my love for flowers.”

  He turns around with a loving gesture, “Of course! It’s not just me anymore; it’s us. I want this to be ours, together. I tried to incorporate both of our styles since you were generous enough to let me completely change your house around to make me feel at home. That is pretty impressive.”

  “I can’t wait to start our life together,” I say, almost too sappy but hell, I fucking love him. He owns my heart.

  “And now that my house is sold, I would be homeless without you.” The sale went through without any issues. “But right now, in the here and now, I’m excited about that next chapter, and if it wasn’t for that house, I would never have fallen in love with you,” he says, lying down on the bed. “Now that we’re all moved in, I have no idea how we should celebrate.”

  “None?” I smirk as I unbutton his pants, and see how turned on he is. “What should I do about this?” I ask. He only moans as I give him a small preview of what our life will be like together.

  “That reminds me, Lorelei wants us to come over in a couple of weeks for dinner. All the kids will be at Hildy’s wi
th Rose.” I begin to explain the lavishness of Lorelei’s dinner parties. “She hosts these a couple of times a year. It’s a big deal. We get gussied up, there’s a theme.” He doesn’t question any of this, understanding with Lore, expect the unexpected. “It will be just the eight of us: Rafe, Hildy, Lore, Ryan, the two of us and Heidi and Derrick who are married, part of the inner circle. He happens to be Ryan’s twin brother and she is Hildy’s sister.”

  He only smiles at me as he says, “I know this will sound a little ironic, since I am close to my ex, but I find it odd that you hang out with Rafe and Hildy given the animosity you have toward him at times, coupled with the fact you think that Hildy and Rafe were having an affair.”

  I take in a deep breath because Nick is not wrong. It is weird and I have always struggled to explain this to myself, let alone others. As my lips press together in a slight grimace, I say, “It is odd. I won’t try to deny it and Rafe still gets under my skin. But I am not willing to relinquish my time with Lore. At first, of course, we didn’t co-mingle but it just got so hard and then Hildy fucking wiggled her way in my heart,” I stop to take a deep breath, “which believe me was hard. I wanted to fucking hate her but I just couldn’t, and bit by bit it got a little bit easier. It has taken time, I mean, Rome was not built in a day.” He pulls me close as I say, “He will always be a part of my life because of Rose and Kai and for that reason, I just make it work.”

  “You do a good job at making it work, considering the history, Justine. You should be proud of the fact that you put your children first. See, you think you are selfish, this proves to me that you are not.”

  I love his words, he truly sees only the best in me.

  He continues, “That sounds like fun. It works out well since we were invited out to dinner with one of my old college buddies the Friday night before.”

  I fucking hate meeting new people, making me sound like a selfish bitch. As Nick just said, I have a large diverse crowd I am comfortable with. However, Nick isn’t bothered by meeting my tribe. Then again, maybe he does mind but hangs out with those I love for my sake.

  “Sure, that will be great. Is it just him then?”

  “No, he’ll have his daughter and wife with him.” He starts explaining the family connection and it is sweet to see the delight he takes in these close friends of his and it is truly something I want to share with him.

  29

  Justine

  We have lived together for a month and I am still shocked that every day is better than the last. His constant place in my life becomes stronger the more we are together. I see my future is more secure in him and it is amazing. As I finish the last of my makeup for Lore’s dinner party, I hear Nick shout from the den, “Hey, sweetheart, you about ready? The limo is almost here! Lore just texted. We are first on his pickup.”

  I walk out of our room in a tight black cocktail dress with sky-high red heels that accentuate my legs. “Shit, I wish we weren’t first. I would be slipping you out of that little black dress of yours.”

  I can’t help but look at Nick and the wonderful man he is to me. He is a good sport for always hanging out with my friends, especially since the inner circle includes my ex-husband. I tried like hell with his friends last night and they were nice enough. Ginny was a kindergarten teacher, very soft spoken, but it was hard to carry on a conversation with her. Even myself, never one to be shy, had a hard time coaxing her to talk. However, their daughter, Toni was a chatterbox. I only got through the dinner faking fun impeccably. I know Nick wants honesty but at the same time, I need to be selfless for him.

  Exiting the limo with the whole crew, Nick catches his first glance of the house, which Lorelei has decorated solely for tonight. “How did she do this?” he asks, looking in astonishment at the front porch. The theme is New York, New York. Lore’s porch is enclosed to make it look like the ice rink at Rockefeller Center. The yard has three large skyscrapers and street signs that boast some of the most famous landmarks in New York with a gigantic cut out of a taxi cab.

  “This is Lore in her element. Believe me, this is just the tip of the iceberg.” As we walk in, the ceiling of the house is covered with twinkling lights. There is a huge sign that points toward the den that reads “Broadway” all lit up. The skyline is completely spread on the wall with a paper backdrop but it looks factually accurate. There is a sign leading to the kitchen that reads “New York Yankees.” On the front of the bathroom she has various movie posters that show some of the most famous cinema productions that took place in New York. Out on the screened porch, there is sign for Carnegie Deli. The backyard is decorated like Central Park and Times Square, and has a large cutout about fifteen feet tall of the Empire State Building.

  Nick’s face shows astonishment. “This is amazing! How much time did this take?”

  Ryan steps onto the back porch with beers in his hand in time to answer him. “Oh, believe me, man, she’s already getting geared up for our next themed night, the roaring twenties, and she expects all the women to wear flapper dresses, Tine,” he says, pointing directly to me, since I certainly will have an opinion on this.

  I roll my eyes. Yep, that is Lorelei, I think. “Where is the hostess with the mostest?” This is where Lorelei shines and it makes me feel as if I’m ill-equipped to be a mom or a wife. Lore always has so many eggs in her basket and she excels at this high-paced life, continuously in motion.

  “She’s upstairs.”

  “I’ll go to check on her to see if I can help get her gussied up!”

  Ryan gives Nick a funny look at the word. “It’s an inside joke thing, but it stuck,” Nick says, trying to explain it to Ryan.

  I leave Nick in the care of the men since Heidi and Hildy are out on the mock ice skating rink drinking. Heidi has a Manhattan and Hildy is sipping a Shirley Temple, which Lorelei made just for her, remembering every little detail so well and that in itself fucking exhausts me.

  When I reach the top of the stairs, I hear something behind Lorelei’s door. It is muffled but I can hear that Lore is crying. “Lore, it’s Tine. Can I come in?”

  The floor creaks, telling me she is walking toward the door. She peeks her head out, looking at me from top to bottom and says, “I don’t think you can.”

  The hell with this, I am barging in. I am hurting for my friend and she needs me. “Spill it, Lore, what is wrong? What can I do to help?” I stare at every outfit Lorelei owns, currently taking ownership all over her bed.

  “For once can you show up not looking so damn beautiful?” Lore’s eyes are puffy and bloodshot. She can do everything in this world yet the image of her body brings shame upon her. I have tried for years to squash these insecurities of hers, but this is one anxiety that plagues her.

  “Lorelei, please don’t do this. You are beautiful. I wish you could see what I see.”

  “Says the girl that had her kids early in life just to stay thin.”

  Damn, why did I ever share that with her? It makes her feel inferior and there isn’t one thing mediocre about Lorelei Dean. “Lore, I couldn’t do what you created down there. And Ryan, he loves you just the way you are.” Before I can continue, I hear the door open.

  “Tine, you saying sweet things about me? Wow, hell has frozen over.” He takes one look at his wife and the assortment of dresses that line their bed when his facial expression changes. As he looks at her tear-stained face, he walks toward her, blocking my way out of the room. “Lore, I don’t tell you how much I love you for you,” he says, stroking her arm, bringing her in close, tipping her chin for her to see his face. “Yes, I am sure I have been a jackass in the past but I have realized something. I see you every day, looking in the mirror, sucking in your gut, trying to imagine yourself with a flat stomach and no stretch marks.” He moves his hand to her face, caressing her cheeks, “You conceal your wrinkles and though you want to look good, you always look amazing. Do you understand with each pound you try to erase from your stomach, you are denying the fact that you have nourished
three babies, my babies, inside of you?” He leans down and places a tender kiss on her stomach. “For each stretch mark or two you try to ignore, you are taking away the fact that you grew three babies, again, my babies, in that belly. For every time, you complain that your face is aging, you are denying the years we have spent together laughing and crying. So, yes, you have gained weight but you gave me three kids. You continue daily to give me a good life. Why wouldn’t I be happy with the woman that continues to give me so much?” Taking her hand to his lips, he places a gentle kiss on it as he looks back into her eyes, “You are sexy as hell to me! You are that woman and I love you just the way you are.”

  Even I can’t help feeling the emotion behind Ryan’s words as Lorelei starts laughing through her tears. “But why do three of my best friends have to be such bombshell skinny minis?”

  Ryan still is blocking my way out of the room and away from this scene that is too intimate. I am still looking away. “Those women are not half the woman you are. You are mine and I don’t want them. I only want you. I will only ever want you!” Looking at me, he says, “No offense, Tine.”

  I wave him off, “Lore, he is right, I wish I could do everything you do. I am just not wired that way, but you are. So please, let’s get you dressed and downstairs.”

  Ryan picks out a black A-line dress with large, red horizontal stripes on the bottom. “This is one of my favorite dresses and when you put on those high-heeled boots of yours, it does something to me, more than anyone else could.”

  “See, problem solved. Let’s get you in that,” I say, heading to the bathroom to get some pretty hair clips that would match perfectly.

  “Actually, Tine, I have no intention of getting her dressed right this instant,” Ryan says, more to Lorelei than myself.

  “Well then, I am certainly not needed here anymore,” I say, turning the knob on the door to have it lock behind me.