Unfiltered

by Leigh Lennon

  As I am finishing up my conversation with him, I say, “Ryan, I am so proud of you for taking these next steps. I know it is hard.”

  When we end the conversation, it hits me. I have been waiting for Ryan to be okay. I am not sure he will ever be the same without Lore, but he is all right, taking it day by day. I now know it is time to put my own life back in order. It is time to make things right with Nick. I have been nasty and unkind to him for the past three weeks, but one thing is evident: I never want to lose him.

  As I walk around the house to finally have the talk he has pushed for, I see he’s already left the house without a word. After several hours of trying to reach him, with no success, I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. I leave him a note.

  Nick-

  I am sorry. Fear makes you do stupid things. Please forgive me and wake me up when you get home. I love you.

  Justine

  I wake at 3:00 a.m., but Nick isn’t next to me. I walk to the window that overlooks the drive from our bedroom, and his car is not there. I suddenly become worried. I can’t lose Nick, not now.

  I see my note is untouched and immediately grab my phone to call him. It goes straight to voicemail. I text him and am about to wake a very worried Emma from her sleep when I hear a text come through.

  Nick: Justine, there is nothing I can say to you. You blame me for the death of Lorelei, and I can’t live with those cold, callous eyes of yours looking at me anymore. I feel we need time. Please don’t let Emma know where I am, but I have gotten a hotel room until I can find someplace more suitable to live for the time being.

  He did the one thing he swore he would never do. I am partially to blame, though he swore to me he would stay and work out any obstacle life threw at us. Now he is leaving. I feel the pain stabbing me, physically hurting.

  After several minutes, my response is quicks and rash.

  Me: I will be gone from 1:00 p.m. until 5:00 p.m. Come get your crap tomorrow. I want you out of my house. You have a week or I will put it on the street.

  I hold the phone and contemplate calling him, but this could not solve the pressing matter. I am losing him. He is leaving me like the other men in my life have.

  43

  Justine

  I haven’t seen Nick in a week and have only gotten one or two texts from him coordinating the moving truck to get all of his shit. I have gotten rid of so much of my own items to make way for Nick’s, and now it is all going to be gone.

  Nick: I know I am leaving you high and dry on some financial obligations. I will leave my bed but will be taking the couch and my new dining room table. You can have the dinnerware. I will also cover my part of your mortgage for the next four months.

  I do not want to keep Nick’s huge bed. It smells like him, and it's a wonderful scent. However, we made plans financially, and it would be an expensive undertaking buying a new bedroom set, especially now that I will need a new couch. Thankfully, my old dining room table is in the garage, but I’m not ready to move anything around.

  I internally hoped that he would never leave. I didn’t want him to, but I am not willing to take the chance of telling him this, only to let him reject me a second time.

  It is a Saturday night as I walk up the steps to Ryan’s house. I am taking Madeline back to my house so Ryan and the boys can have a night out by themselves. He is waiting for me on the porch. “Please don’t tell me it is true, Tine?”

  I know what he is asking, but I try to play dumb.

  “Don’t pull that shit with me, Justine. I know everyone thinks I’m fragile and they don’t want to put one more thing on me, but for crying out loud, what the hell are you thinking? He is the best thing that has ever happened to you.”

  “Ryan, he left me.”

  He looks behind him and pokes his head in the door to the boys. “Boys, I am talking to Aunt Justine, so finish watching your movie and we will leave soon,” Ryan says, turning back to me and whispering. “You don’t think I don’t know anything about being hurt? And I am not talking about losing Lore; that is a loss I can’t put into words. You can’t be married for eighteen years and not intentionally hurt someone. I hurt Lore more than I should have ever been forgiven. And Justine, as much as I miss my wife, she hurt me, too. It is a constant when you are close.”

  “I understand that. You forget, I went through that with Rafe.”

  “No, you don’t understand. She cheated on me once. Just once, and I know you didn’t know.” Ryan would never lie and tarnish her memory like this, so I know this is true. “I went out and found someone to screw just to hurt her like she hurt me. It didn’t cancel the hurt out. Didn’t you ever wonder why Lorelei, Suzie Homemaker, didn’t start popping out babies right away? We were a train wreck. I hit her once, and she forgave me. Again, I knew you didn’t know. She blew up my prized Mustang, remember that? It wasn’t an accident as I claimed; she did it on purpose. We did crazy shit to one another. We were going to call it quits, but when we packed up our shit, we realized how much we meant to one another. We started couple’s therapy—yes, me in couple’s therapy. You can laugh, it’s okay,” he says while pursing his lips together. “That is why Lore was crazy about making me happy. She knew it was important to me. Point being, Tine, we had the odds against us. We beat them and those kids would have not existed to get me through this heartache if we hadn’t tried like crazy to make it work. So, what? He hurt you? He probably will do it again because it is life, and you will hurt him, too. What I would give to have my wife, her smell, and her touch for just one more minute. Man, what I wouldn’t do to make love to her one last time.” He runs his fingers through his hair and stares at me. “Justine, you have a gift, so don’t fuck it up.”

  Just then, Ryan hears Madeline through the baby monitor. “Well, my princess is up. Let me get her ready for you.”

  “No, Ryan, take your boys and spend a good night with them. I will get Madeline ready. I can do that.”

  “Thanks. Justine. And seriously, I meant what I said. Don’t fuck this up with Nick.”

  As I leave his house with little Madeline, I think about what Ryan said and know there is a lot of truth to his words. I am going to be at the house when Nick arrives in the morning. No, better yet, I am going to call him to come by the house to talk tonight.

  After I am able to get Madeline settled with some toys on the floor, I call Nick. He doesn’t answer. I then text him.

  Me: Please call me when you get a chance.

  It has only been an hour before I get a response.

  Nick: What’s up?

  Me: Can you call me or stop by the house? We have never really talked, and I feel we owe it to ourselves to talk about this before we throw us away.

  Nick: I will be over soon.

  An hour turns into two, and before long, Ryan is at the door with some very exhausted kids ready to pick up Madeline. “Did you all have fun?” I ask.

  “Too much fun for those boys. They fell asleep in the car. Thanks, Tine, this is what we needed tonight.”

  “No problem,” I say, handing my sweet Madeline over to him.

  “Did you give any thought to what I said?” he asks.

  “I did. I asked Nick to come over to talk. That was three hours ago, and he said he would be over soon. Not sure what to think about this.”

  “Justine, don’t let him go. He is not perfect, but you both make each other better people. Don’t forget that.”

  After Ryan leaves, I pace back and forth as I contemplate the next step with Nick. Should I call him, leave him alone, or head over to his new address where he has forwarded his mail to? I don’t want to look clingy but hell, I miss him and want to talk this out. This went much further than I ever thought it would.

  When I grab my keys, I open the door with Nick’s new address in hand. I almost walk into him. “Hey, I thought you were coming around sooner.”

  “I needed time to think, Justine,” he says with a tart tone.

  “Well, what did you think about?”
I ask as I motion him in, and because of his harsh tone, I immediately put a wall up between us. My intention was to ask for forgiveness but now, with his demeanor, I am not sure.

  “Maybe we went too quickly. Maybe we don’t know each other well enough and this is why we are growing apart,” he says.

  “Or, maybe we are expecting too much from one another? Maybe we are expecting each other to be perfect instead of actually learning from our mistakes,” I suggest.

  “Justine, before you say anything, I have decided to head back to Sacramento for a while. This practice is running itself with Emma in charge. I know Annie could use the help. I don’t want to leave, nor do I want to say goodbye to us. I think we need space. I think you need space.”

  “How could you think that?”

  “How could I not? I don’t think you know what you want. I don’t know if you want me.”

  “Nick, you walked out on me. I felt abandoned.”

  “I know, but that was what I was hoping for.” Then the words that Ryan spoke echo in my mind, the intentional hurt and how it is fundamental in knowing we still want one another.

  “So, what now?” I ask.

  “I am not sure, but something is not working with us. I am heading down for a month. I still want to marry you, but I can’t live with knowing you blame me for Lore’s death.”

  I want to tell him that I don’t blame him. “If you think this is as rough as a relationship can get, then maybe you are the faint of heart. Maybe you are the one not meant for a relationship.”

  “Justine, that is not fair.”

  “You got mad at me and purposely hurt me. Brutally hurt me. Yes, my actions when Lore died were wrong, but you left without talking it out. Now you want to head to Sacramento, to a safe terrain, because this has gotten uncomfortable. However, you claim that you still want to marry me. That is not how relationships work.”

  “Wait, you don’t blame me for Lore’s death?”

  “If you would have come home that night, you would have seen the note.” I carry it in my purse for no other reason than to show it to him one day. I grab it, handing it his way. He reads it silently, and I continue. “But you left when it got hard. Grief makes people do odd things, but you are showing me over and over again that I can’t trust you, so go. Just go.”

  “See, Justine, we can’t get this right.”

  “No, you expect perfection and maybe that is why you are still alone and have always been,” I say hatefully.

  Nick is evidently hurt by my words. “I let you in, and you used my words against me.”

  “That is your best defense, after everything you did to me?” I ask.

  As he simmers with anger, his eyes soften gently as he looks at me one last time and says, “Goodbye, Justine.”

  When he slams the door, this is not what I want. I am where Lorelei and Ryan were many years ago, about ready to quit, and I don’t want to either. My heart breaks again.

  It has been a month since I last looked at my handsome Nick, but I can’t forget the disdain that had laced his eyes. I still look at my empty living room, not wanting to replace the couch and loveseat Nick took with him. I can afford to buy a new couch but when I do, I will have to admit failure. My dining room is still empty. I still have my table from before in the garage but once I place it back in my dining room, I will be admitting defeat.

  With Hildy’s continued high-risk pregnancy, Kai and Rose are moving back home. It is somehow going to fill the emptiness I sense from being abandoned.

  The day before the official move-in day, Kai sits with me in some chairs from the back porch I placed around the television. “Mom, why don’t I go out tonight after school and get that table set up for you?” Kai offers.

  I only nod my head. “That would be good, son. I am off today and tomorrow. I will go out and buy us a proper couch, I promise.”

  “No big deal, Mom, take your time,” Kai says supportively. “Remember, Jane will be up here this weekend.”

  “Oh, that is right. Good, I’m glad.” I am happy for Kai.

  “Mom, I find it hard to believe that you two are really over. Surely…”

  “Sweetie, I know you care about me, plus I am sure you miss Nick. I am sorry I have been Mopey Molly for a while, but you don’t have to worry about me. I am the mom.”

  “Mom, you lost Lore and Nick in less than a month of one another. You have a reason to be Mopey Molly. All I am saying is I don’t see it being truly over with you both.”

  “I wish it wasn’t. Don’t feel like you are betraying me when you see him on your visits to Jane. He is a good man.”

  “Yes, he is, and you two belong together.”

  “Kai, I wish it were that simple.”

  “But Mom, it really is,” he says bluntly.

  I am sitting on the couch one night, still in deep hurt over the loss of both Lore and Nick in a short amount of time. As my thoughts overtake me, I am startled by the doorbell. Wrapping myself in my robe, I open the door to the last person I expect. “Tinee,” my dad says.

  I am shocked by his presence on my front porch. “Dad, hey.” My relationship with my dad is so tense, I don’t even know how to greet him.

  “Sweetheart, I would like to talk to you for a couple of minutes, if that is all right?” How is it that we have gotten to this point where he has to ask for a couple of minutes? He is my dad, this should be a given to be in my life always, and here he is.

  “Sure, Dad,” I say as he walks in and sits down on the couch.

  I don’t say a word, only sit down caddy corner from him as I awkwardly scratch that same itch that seems to bother me when I am uncomfortable.

  “Tinee, I am not really good at this. I know that your fear of being left started with me. Even if I have physically always been there for you, I haven’t been emotionally.”

  He won’t get any argument from me, though I want to add he hasn’t been there for me physically, either.

  “Honey, it breaks my heart to see the pain you are in. I know the one person who can pull you out, if you would only let him.” I want to interrupt. The response is on the tip of my tongue, but he waves me off. “Listen, Nick was wrong but I bear a lot of this. I started the path that led you to feel abandoned, and Rafe did a great fucking job continuing the pattern. But Tinee, honey, Nick loves you. He messed up big, and I won’t defend him for that. What I will do is defend you. In that, he is the best defense for you, Tinee.”

  “Dad, but...”

  “Yes, he left you, but I know the regret he is living with. It is the same regret I live with letting us—the bond we once shared—go over a stupid fight your mom and I had over the best way to raise you. Now, she won the argument but in my stupid reasoning, I let you go because I didn’t get my way. That is stupid, just like Nick is stupid. But I am here now, to work on it thirty years later. Don’t let him go thirty years, Tinee.” He stands up and gives me a kiss. Looking back at me, he says, “I would like to take you to lunch tomorrow. I will be here at noon to pick you up. Is that okay?”

  I stand, and for the first time in thirty years, I truly embrace my dad. “Yes, Dad. I look forward to it.”

  44

  Justine

  One night, after a long shift at work, my neighbor, with the large blue Carolina flag that has driven me fucking crazy since the day he moved in, startles me as he asks to borrow a cup of sugar. “Oh Lord, I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he says to me as I exit my car.

  Yeah, the last time I first talked to a neighbor from that house, I ended up getting my heart torn to pieces. “Sure, give me just a second.” I quickly run inside to retrieve the package of sugar for him. I am surprised to see him waiting for me on the porch. “Here you go. I have another package, so you can just have this.”

  “Thanks.” He smiles a wickedly handsome smile my way. “Hey, I haven’t seen the guy I bought the house from lately.”

  Bluntly I answer, “He moved out.”

  “Shit, I’m sorry. I had
no idea. I’ve been in China on work a for a couple of months. I must have missed that.”

  What is it with this house and the handsome single neighbors? “Well, I have had a long day at work. Have a good night baking or whatever you’re doing with that sugar.”

  “I am making tiramisu.”

  Of course, he is. Before I can stop myself, I say, “Heavens, is it a prerequisite for single attractive men that can bake to live in that house?” I immediately blush. “Oh shit, that didn’t come out the way it was meant to. I didn’t mean anything by that—crap, I don’t even know if you are single.”

  He smiles at me; he has a completely different look than Nick. Where Nick is dark and open, this man is blond and mysterious. “Well, that is the best compliment I have ever gotten from a neighbor.”

  “My mouth runs off at times, sorry about that.”

  “No problem, and I am,” he responds.

  “What?”

  “Single.”

  Ah shit, I think, just what I need.

  “I’m Jake Davis, by the way, not sure if we ever formally met.”

  “Justine,” I say.

  “I can tell you’re getting over something, so I will leave an open invitation to take you out one night when you are ready. Until then, if you need a cup of flour in return, you know where I live.”

  When Rose walks up the porch steps, she asks, “Who is that?” I see her almost drooling.

  “Put it back in, Rose—he is too old for you.”

  “But not bad on the eyes, Mom. Do you just attract hot, sexy neighbors?”

  “Ha, I think I have had all I can get from guys in that house for now.”

  “But Mom, wouldn’t he just be fun? Just sex. That might be what you need.”

  “Rose!” I say, trying to sound shocked at her forwardness but failing. After all, she is my kid.

  May is in full swing, and the weather is becoming almost bearable. I am spending more and more time outside, getting my yard ready for spring, but every time I am outside, without warning, my hot and sexy neighbor seems to make it outside, too.