"You all better now, Mummy?" Daisy asked, looking up at me with big eyes.
I stroked her cheek with a finger and nodded my head. "Fighting fit, Daisy-girl."
"Deetetiv Pierce said you'd wake up. I believed him," she announced proudly.
"Of course I was going to wake up, baby. I'd never leave you for long." Wow, was that a promise a mother should never make.
"He sang to you too," Daisy pointed out. It seemed that everyone wanted me to know this little fact, as though reinforcing how much of a good guy the detective was would make me be nicer. I'm sure that was Daisy's intention anyway.
"Yes, I heard," I replied smiling, despite myself.
"You did? He said you might," she said excitedly. Had Pierce known I could hear him while I was out cold? Did he do it knowing I'd remember his voice in my dreams?
"I'll have to thank him, then," I offered, wanting my daughter to know I was behaving myself, even if my mind kept spewing up doubts about this man.
"That would be the right thing to do, Mummy," she advised, as though she was the parent and I was the five year old child.
"When did you grow up to be so big and clever?" I asked, giving her one more bone crunching hug.
"I always been clever, Mummy. I take after you. Deetetiv Pierce said that."
A huff of a laugh left me, as a genuine smile graced my lips. Well, that settled it, didn't it? I had to go offer the 'deetetiv' some support, after all. It was the least I could do having just heard that.
I kissed Daisy on the forehead and left her to her Country music concert in her penguin painted room, and followed behind an amused Gen and Kelly towards the kitchen.
Voices could be heard before we'd walked too much farther down the hall. Raised, agitated, and clambering over each other for attention.
"Well, I still don't see what was so all-fired important that you had to take that kind of risk?" Abi insisted.
"We weren't to know there would be another person in play," a stranger's voice replied.
"No?" Abi again. "You didn't think once, that McLaren's thug would call on contacts and lay a trap? At the only place Marie could have gone other than her work? What do they teach you in Police college?"
"Red," Ben warned.
"No! Don't give me that, Ben. You were hurt and it didn't need to happen. Admit it, Pierce. You wanted something at Marie's, and it had nothing to do with her clothing."
I sucked in a breath and held out my arm to the two women with me, preventing them from walking further and announcing our presence. I needed to hear Pierce's reply to this.
"Abi's got a point," Ben offered quietly. "Just what was so damn important that you'd make a rookie mistake?"
Silence.
"Pierce?" Another male voice I didn't recognise, but wasn't the stranger's of before. "You compromised one of my men, I'd sure as hell like to know why?"
More silence.
"You can stand there all fuckin' day and scowl at us, but you will answer this god damned question." Ben again, and he sounded really pissed off now.
"It's clear there's something between you two." Adam this time. "We've seen it before," he offered. "A bloke making stupid fucked-in-the-head mistakes all because of a woman. Is that what this is all about?"
A few disgruntled, but also understanding grunts sounded out around the room.
Someone made a frustrated growl. I was picking it was Pierce. I could just picture him running a hand over his goatee as he glared at every one in the room.
"It was a calculated move, nothing more," Pierce said, the words sounding like they were forced out between gritted teeth.
I stopped breathing.
"Calculated?" Abi asked. I couldn't tell if she was still pissed off, or incredulous, or just wary.
"Yeah," Pierce replied, and this time sounded defeated. "She's got something on McLaren. I took a chance it was in her home and that she'd use the opportunity to retrieve it."
I fell back against the wall, and just breathed. Kelly let out a snort of disgust, as Gen gently stroked my upper arm in support.
"You son of a bitch," Abi said on an exhaled breath of air. "You fucking used her, compromised my man, all for the sake of your fucking investigation."
"You fuckin' bastard, Pierce," Ben said in support of his woman. "Always the fuckin' investigation. Never the fuckin' victim."
"That's bullshit!" Pierce exclaimed, just as someone else said, "Well, did you at least get this thing she's meant to have?"
Silence again, only broken by the thudding of my heart in my chest.
"There was nothing in her bag other than clothes, books and toys."
Oh, hell no.
I pushed off the wall and stormed into the room, Gen and Kelly hot on my heels.
"You fucking arsehole!" I shouted, crossing the space as soon as I spotted him, and lifting my hand up to slap his cheek.
Steel arms banded about my waist, and before my palm could connect with flesh I was hauled backwards.
"Easy," Ben said in my ear. "He's feelin' bad enough as it is."
I shook my head, my eyes boring into Pierce's shocked and sad ones, and then let out a frustrated scream.
Everyone jumped. Pierce took a step towards me.
And I twisted free of Ben's grasp and stormed out the back door.
I couldn't look at him. I couldn't contain my anger. I could hardly breathe.
He'd used me. A means to an end. That was all I was to him.
And all he'd ever get from me.
Chapter 13
I Like You Just The Way You Are
I sat on the swing, under the flowering Cherry Tree, and tried to still my breathing. Unclench my fists. Slow my heart.
I was so fucking incensed.
But what had I expected? He'd even warned me.
"This is what I do, Marie. This is my job."
I took a shuddering deep breath in, and then another. And another. Until I was finally able to see a few feet in front of me, instead of the haze of red that had coated my vision just now.
Standing there, arms crossed over black t-shirt, was Ben.
I huffed out a semi-snort of surprise. I'd expected one of the women, if not all of them. I'd even contemplated Pierce following me out here to offer up excuses or just tell me how it is in the big, bad world of Detective Pierce.
But Ben?
That just took all the wind right out of my sails.
"I'd offer you a seat, but there's only one swing," I said with a small, embarrassed smile. He'd had to intervene before I assaulted a cop, after all.
"I'm good," he replied. "Are you?"
"What do you think?"
He grunted, and stared off into the distance.
"Is it safe out here?" I asked, not entirely sure if I cared right then.
"Yeah. ASI is monitoring, and Koki and Brook are on perimeter checks."
I shook my head. Pierce was putting a lot into keeping me and my daughter safe.
That fucking ledger. He didn't even know what I had, but he sure as hell wanted it too.
Ben remained silent. Just stood there. Like a sentry or personal guard. But I didn't get the feeling he was here to guard me. I think he was here in support. Silent support, but support anyway.
I swung the seat of the swing slowly and took a good look at him. He had a bandage on the side and back of his head, some shadows beneath his eyes, but otherwise he looked OK. I bet he had a headache. I did and I hadn't even been knocked on the head. Or had I?
I reached up absently and ran fingers through my hair, against my scalp. There were a few raised nicks, probably from the glass shattering, but no sore spots that I could detect.
"The docs reckoned your brain was bruised from the sudden deceleration of the car," Ben offered, eyes still on the horizon, but clearly having seen my self assessment. "And then the lateral movement as the vehicle rolled compounded the concussion. No fractured skull, all internal damage, but minor. Good to see you up and about," he finished.
He shrugged. "I was only out for twenty or so minutes. Long enough for you guys to cause mayhem on Auckland city streets. It was all over by the time Jason woke me up."
"Twenty minutes," I said absently. "It felt much longer."
"It always does."
Silence hung like thick fog between us. He didn’t look at me, and I didn't look at him. We might as well have been mired in haze; only two feet apart and we couldn't see the other.
"I'm sorry," I finally said, finding the courage to say what I'd wanted to say from the moment I'd heard that he was hurt.
"It's my job," he said, and I think it was automatic to say it, but it fired up that anger inside my stomach all over again.
"No it's not," I argued, stopping the swing with my feet thumping onto solid ground. "That's not part of the job. Being hurt, possibly killed. You don't go to work and think, OK I might die today, but I'm going anyway. You go thinking you'll be all right, you'll live to see another day, despite what might be thrown at you. Otherwise how do you get out of bed?"
Ben was looking at me now, staring right into my eyes. His arms were still crossed over his chest, making the Tiki tattoo poking out from under his sleeve, seem bigger than usual. Uglier than usual. Fiercer than usual. Just like the man.
"What do think Pierce thinks when he goes to work each day?" he asked, stunning the ever loving crap out of me. How had we segued to Pierce?
"I have no idea," I shot back, the first thing to come to my mind.
"Do you think," Ben asked, "that he says to himself, I'll use someone to get what I need on this criminal I'm investigating, hurt them in the process, just so I can close my case?"
My jaw clicked, from where I was gritting my teeth so firmly.
"Nah," Ben offered. "The prick is focused, I'll give him that. But in all honesty, I don't think he plans it. I think it just happens."
"You mean right circumstance, right time?" I asked, a note of derision in my tone.
"I mean," Ben said steadily, "he has a job to do, people to protect, and sometimes he has to make a bad call, to get the right outcome. Sometimes he has do things he doesn't want to do, to save more than just one person in the end."
"The greater good," I said, starting the swing in motion again. "Fuck the greater good. This is my daughter and my lives we're talking about. Your life. Abi having to go on living without you coming home at night. The greater fucking good is an excuse for all the shit cops do in the name of the law."
"Law ain't got nothin' to do with it, Marie. Justice has."
I sighed. There was that word again.
"Justice is not the law. They are two different things entirely."
I wanted to remain angry at Pierce. I was still angry. I am still angry. But I was also beginning to see things from his point of view. This wasn't going to stop. Now more so than ever, I was aware of that fact. They'd been talking about an accomplice in the kitchen just now, a contact that McLaren’s goon had roped into the trap at our flat. Another player. There were people who would help the drug lord, even though he was still behind bars. People who owed him something.
I should know, I'd seen the debts all written in black and white, in a leather bound notebook, which I had stolen over five years ago. Hell, I could even go dig it up and read through the names and know exactly who was helping out the tattooed freak.
No, this wasn't going to stop and it could potentially get worse now. More accomplices or acquaintances called in to pay back a debt. Next time the outcome might be different. Next time Ben might not make it back. Adam could be killed as well. Abi? She works for ASI too, could she be next?
This was bigger than just Daisy and me now. I knew this. Pierce had known it from the start. The moment I came under McLaren's attention again, Pierce knew other's would be at risk as well. Those obligated to protect us. Those just doing their job.
"You OK?" Ben asked, in his gruff, low voice.
I shook my head. No, I was not OK. I had serious doubts about ever being OK again. But could I change it? Could I change the future by taking a further risk with our lives? Did I have a choice?
This was not going to stop, it was going to get worse. And people, I was quickly becoming to care for, could die.
I wanted to talk to Daisy about it. To get her opinion, to ask her what she wanted to do. But she is only five years old. I'm the adult. It was up to me to make this decision. A decision I did not want to make, but I had to, in order to save more than just one person in the end.
"I need to talk to Pierce," I said, noting my voice sounded scratchy and a little too scared.
"Good call," Ben said gruffly, and turned on his heel heading back to the house. I wasn't sure if I should follow him. But I didn't think my legs would carry me right now.
I sat and waited, swinging on my swing. I wondered who else was watching. Eric at ASI? Those two names Ben mentioned doing perimeter checks? The women from inside the house? They seemed capable of eavesdropping. Hell, I'd led the charge on the eavesdropping front when we were outside the kitchen before. It didn't matter, this was going to be purely professional. Me talking to a cop, who was just doing his job.
Pierce walked out of the house, down the steps on the deck, and across the lawn towards me. He looked tired, worn down. Wary. And could that be regretful? Yeah, I think that's what I saw. A whole lot of wish-I'd-played-this-differently streaming across his handsome face.
"Hey," he said, when he came within talking distance. "You wanted to see me?"
I nodded, still swinging, staring right up into those gorgeous brown eyes that seemed to go on forever. I blinked and looked away, clearing my throat. Great way to start the professional conversation.
"I know you were just doing your job," I said, and he moved closer, then surprised me by sitting down on the grass at my feet.
What a strange thing to do.
"It's my job to protect you, Marie," he said, stretching his legs out in front of him and resting back on straight arms. "I failed. I'm sorry."
That wasn't what I wanted an apology for. But if he couldn't work that out, then I wasn't going to be the one to educate him.
I took a deep breath in and stared up at the blue sky. Clouds skittered across it, breaking up the monotony, creating a canvas of interesting shapes and shadows.
"You want the ledger," I said, and heard Pierce suck in a deep breath.
"It's a ledger?" he asked. "What of?"
"Every single business transaction, every single extortion he enacted, every single favour owed him, from the ten years prior to Rick's death."
Silence. I tipped my head down and looked at him. He was breathing a little quickly, staring at the ground, thinking it all through.
"Names, dates and amounts?" he asked, not looking up.
"Yes, as well as what 'jobs' he got them to do in payment. The descriptions are sometimes quite elaborate. Some even have pictures attached."
"Motherfucker," Pierce breathed. Yeah, I could see the appeal to a cop who'd worked so tirelessly to capture an arsehole like McLaren.
I returned my gaze to the sky, swung a little, and waited for his verdict. For the moment he said, 'let's go get it, then'. But it didn't come. Several minutes later and he hadn't said a word. I tipped my head down again, and this time found him watching my every move.
"Well?" I said, holding his intense gaze. "This is what you want, isn't it?"
"Is Rick in that book?" he asked, and I stopped swinging. "Are you?"
"Would it matter if we were?"
"Yes," he answered immediately, and my heart stopped.
He'd prosecute me. He'd do his job.
"This is what I do, Marie. This is my job." His remembered words cut like a knife. More now, than they did back then.
I stared at the ground for a long time, before he came to his knees and knelt before me. Less than a foot away. I could reach out and touch him, if I uncurled my fingers from around
the ropes holding the swing aloft. I didn't. He was further away than he'd ever been.
Had he really been within touching distance at all?
"Marie," he said softly. "You don't have to do this."
And my heart kicked into life again.
"We can put you in the witness protection programme, hide you from any fallout McLaren may cause. We'll find a way. I'll find a way to keep you safe without the book."
"Why?" I asked, genuinely dumbfounded that he'd suggest this after everything he'd done to get it.
"Because I've just watched you lying immobile in a bed, unconscious for almost a whole day."
What?
He ran a hand through his hair, leaving his palm at the back of his neck and took a deep breath in. Opened his mouth. Closed it. And then opened it again.
"Ah, fuck," he muttered, then shot to his feet and began to pace.
I watched him, stunned at his behaviour. Surprised to find the Detective Pierce I knew so discombobulated.
"I've been fighting it," he said softly. For a moment I wasn't sure if he was talking to himself or me. "But whenever I take a step back to breathe all I see is you on the floor of your office, under your desk."
My eyebrows shot up and I took a quick glance around the backyard, trying to see who was listening in on this. I couldn't spot them, but that didn't mean they weren't there. I was about to point this out to Pierce, when he started talking again.
"Then a day, that felt like a year, sitting with Daisy by your side. Seeing how much she loves you. Seeing how strong she was being for you. Seeing how much like her mother she is. And I realised I'd made a fucking mistake. The biggest fucking mistake of my life."
I sucked in my bottom lip and just watched the man before me slowly unravel.
"I wish we could start over," he said, still pacing, still not looking me in the eyes. "There's so much I'd do differently. So much I'd tell you, make you see sooner. But what's done is done now. And I can't take it back. But I can stop it getting any worse."
He stopped pacing then and took a step towards me. I was still sitting on the swing, so he towered over me slightly, making me arch my back to look up at him.
"You're beautiful," he declared, and I wondered if he'd knocked his head in that crash. "But it's what you've shown me on the inside that's done it. You're beautiful inside and out. And I don't care whether you're in that ledger or why. But I do care if you get hurt. And that ledger obviously will do it, because you've guarded it with your life."
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