Once Forbidden

by TERRI BRISBIN

  So, what had she said? She thought over her words and then remembered touching his leg as she spoke. The heat of a blush moved up through her face and she touched the warmth in her cheeks as she realized she had placed her hand on his knee. Part of her was horrified at her action and another part was elated. Anice knew that her touch had been an innocent one, to emphasize her words of thanks. But not long ago such an expression would never have happened—it would have required her deliberate action and she simply would not have done so.

  But that Anice was gone. She had faced death twice and survived and that knowledge alone gave her the strength to live and change. Gone was the fear that she'd lived under for the last two years, since Sandy returned the first time for their marriage. She had lived for a year with the fear of what was to come and then these last months trying to recover from it. Then she almost lost her life and her bairn when news of Sandy's return and then his death reached Dunnedin.

  She was lucky to be alive and as she let out more of the old Anice, the Lady Anice as she called herself to Robert, she found she could enjoy life again. Smiling and laughing had become part of her once more. She grinned as she even remembered raising her voice this last week to several of the servants. But far from being bothered by it, they looked surprised then beamed at her reprimand. It felt good to be free of fear.

  Anice leaned down and adjusted the covering over Craig, tucking the loosened end under him to hold him secure and keep him warm. Even on a summer's day, the air was chilly here. Smoothing down his little crest of red hair, she touched a soft kiss on his forehead.

  "I will take care of you and your clan, my wee MacKendimen," she whispered. "At least until your own wife is chosen and begins her duties."

  She would take over her duties and carry them on until Craig was grown and laird himself. Then she would pass those responsibilities on to Craig's wife and train her as she should be. Anice would never marry again; she would not need to now that she had done her duty and produced this heir to the clan. She would be content in her life as mother to the heir and as chatelaine of Dunnedin, caring for the people, and overseeing the village.

  Anice straightened her skirts and lifted her son onto her lap. Still sleeping, Craig made soft gurgling noises as she placed the sling around her and then placed him within the sturdy folds of plaid. She cradled him while she regained her feet and then let his weight sink into the carrier. Turning back, she felt refreshed by her time out of the keep, but she was still troubled by Robert's response to her thanks.

  Walking towards the kitchen door, she decided that she would have to show her gratitude to him before he left to return to Dunbarton and the MacKillops. Since he was so obviously uncomfortable with her expressing her thanks, she would have to figure out how to thank him in other ways. And the ripped sleeve she'd noticed in his tunic gave her an idea.

  Chapter 15

  She knew, not from her own experience on the subject, but from the many ribald and candid comments from the women of the clan, that the physical joining of a man and woman could actually bring some amount of pleasure to both participants. She suspected the same from her own vague memories of the tingling anticipation that had filled her once long ago when she'd thought that their distant cousin was really Sandy. And she even knew from the way men pursued women and from the well-worn path before her, that men sought those pleasures more often and with more vigor than women did. Somehow, though, knowing that could not explain her sense of betrayal and disgust as she watched Robert take his leave of the village whore.

  Anice was on her way back from an early morning visit with Moira when the door to Robena's croft opened and Robert stepped onto the path. Still laughing and sharing some words of parting, he nodded to the woman inside and pulled the door closed behind him. He had not been in the great hall for dinner or after, so it was obvious even to her that he had spent the night here.

  She stepped back into the shadows of the tree-lined path until he had made his way towards the keep and then she approached the cottage. Anice had thought that early in the morning would be a safe time to visit the woman, never considering that one of her customers would be there after a night's... activities. Pushing open the low wooden gate in the stone fence surrounding the house, she walked up to the door and knocked.

  "'Tis much too early in the morn for..." The woman's words trailed off as she realized who had come to call on her. "Pardon me, milady," Robena said with a slight curtsy, "are ye looking for... someone?" Anice noticed the hesitation.

  "No, I was actually trying to visit when you had no... visitors," Anice offered as an explanation. "I did not want to see anyone." She glanced at the path where Robert had been a minute before.

  "Och, so ye saw Robert here then, did ye? Did ye want to speak to him?" The woman leaned out of her doorway to look in the direction Robert would have taken, "Should I fetch him for ye, milady?"

  "Nay. Please do not," Anice said, placing her hand on Robena's arm. "'Tis you I've come to see. May I enter?"

  Robena nodded, backing away and pulling the door open as she did. Anice entered the small cottage, not quite knowing what to expect. Everything there looked as it did in any of the other crofts in the village: there was a table, some benches, and the dirt-packed floor was neat and tidy. If she'd thought that some sign of the woman's sins would be present, she was mistaken.

  Anice noticed the slight trembling in Robena's hand as she pointed to one of the benches. Was she afraid of Anice? Anice walked slowly to the seat and lowered herself on it.

  "I have only cold water from the spring or some cider to offer ye, milady," she said with another curtsy.

  "Cider would be fine, Robena. Then please sit."

  After a minute of gathering cups and pitcher together, the woman sat across the table from her. Robena poured two cups full of drink and then waited for Anice. When Anice did not begin immediately, the woman stood nervously.

  "If this is about Robert, milady, I assure ye I have no' visited him in the keep. I follow yer orders, milady. I swear I do. I only go to the kitchen door and never inside. Never inside."

  Robena's trembling had grown to shaking as she stood fidgeting and never meeting her gaze. Anice remembered giving the orders that no whore from the village should ever enter the keep or be in her sight. Sighing, she waited for Robena to look at her. Then she motioned for her to sit.

  "No one haes said that you have, Robena. If you... see Robert, 'tis your own affair and not mine. I have come to ask you something."

  "Me, milady? Ye have to ask me something?" The woman's complexion took on a paler shade.

  "Is there anything that you need? Anything that you are lacking? Clothing? Food?" Anice glanced around the croft looking for clues. "Someone to bring you peat or wood for the fire?"

  Robena followed her gaze and looked around her home. "Nay, milady. I need nothing. Truly."

  "I have realized that, although I see to the needs of everyone else in the clan, I have been remiss in seeing to yours."

  "Mine, milady?" Robena whispered.

  "Aye. I have never asked after you or made certain that you were well fed or clothed. I apologize for that now." At the sight of Robena's mouth, dropped wide open in astonishment, Anice continued, "So, do you need anything from the keep's stores or supplies? Any help to make your cottage fit for the next winter? Anything?"

  Robena's mouth opened and closed several times but no words came out. The woman's surprise was not lost on Anice. She knew that this action, approaching the village whore in the woman's own cottage, was out of the ordinary. But her decision to try to make the rest of Robert's stay in Dunnedin comfortable had led her here. Robena finally shook her head in response and Anice rose from her seat.

  "If you find you have need of something, see me for it."

  "But, my lady...," Robena began to argue.

  "Oh, aye, I see the problem. I will not refuse you entrance into the keep so long as you do not shame any of the married women before the clan. Keep your
attentions on the unmarried men and you are welcome to join in the meals at the keep, if you wish."

  Believing she had accomplished the task she'd set out to do, Anice walked to the door. One thought did bother her. Well, there were many things she did not understand about Robena's choices but one thing that she truly wanted to know. Reaching the door and pulling it open herself, Anice turned back and saw that the woman still stood by the table.

  "Do you enjoy this?"

  The words hung there in the air between the women; neither one misunderstood the question.

  "My lady," Robena said as she moved closer, "yer husband was a man who gained pleasure from the pain of others. He enjoyed inflicting pain and watching others in the giving of it."

  Anice's breath stuck in her chest—this was not what she'd expected to hear from the whore. How did she know this about Sandy? How could she? Oh, dear God!

  "You? Did he...?"

  "Aye, but I'd already had enough men to know that most are no' like that. Most take pleasure in pleasure. And those men are the reason I do enjoy what I do for them, with them."

  Anice shook her head, unable to force any more words out. Sandy had spread his destruction far and wide. Stepping into the sunshine, Anice took a few steps and Robena called to her.

  "Thank ye for yer kindness to me, milady." Robena curtsied again.

  The tears rapidly filling her eyes blocked her vision, so Anice simply nodded in the direction of the voice and then turned away. She'd had no idea that Sandy had attacked Robena before their wedding. Of course not, she thought. No one would have mentioned his behavior if it involved a whore.

  Stumbling down the path, she knew where she had to go. Following the lane away from the keep, she made her way back to Moira's cottage. Surely Moira would tell her what had happened. When she reached it, she banged on the front door. When she realized that no one was inside, she walked around to the back. When Anice left here earlier, Moira had said she'd be working in her garden. Sure enough, she found the healer kneeling between rows of plants, gently turning the soil with her hands.

  "Why?"

  Panting and unable to catch her breath, Anice waited for Moira to acknowledge hearing her question. When it was obvious that Moira was biding her time before responding, Anice spied a bench under a tree nearby and collapsed onto it. Moira continued and finished the row she was working on before standing and dusting the dirt off her skirts. Pausing to rinse her hands in a bucket of water, Moira came to stand before her. Now in her sixth month, Moira's belly protruded as her own had done some months ago. But where fear and apprehension had ruled Anice's pregnancy, joy and contentment were clear in Moira's face and deportment.

  "Why, Moira? Why?" she asked again.

  "Ye are asking several questions with yer one word, Anice. Why did he take her as he had taken ye? Because he chose to. Why did I no' tell ye of his actions? Because ye were no' ready or able to hear of them." Moira paused for a few moments. "Let me ask something of ye. Why did ye go to see the whore?"

  Anice winced at the harsh sound of the word. Somehow meeting Robena face-to-face and talking with her had changed her perception of the woman. And, added to the comments of the women whose counsel she valued, she felt that mayhap she had also done this woman wrong in the past....

  "She is Robert's friend."

  "Is that what men call them now? Friends?" Moira's voice was strange, almost as though she were taunting Anice with her questions.

  "Regardless of whatever else they may do together, he calls her friend. I was simply looking for ways to thank him for what he did."

  "So you made arrangements with the whore to do what? Tup him?"

  "Moira, stop this," Anice said, waving her hand in front of her. "In looking for ways to thank Robert, I thought to aid his friends, if they needed it."

  "And did she?"

  "Nay, she says she needs nothing that she does not have."

  Moira walked over to the bench and sat beside her. "And that is when she told you about Sandy?"

  "Nay," Anice answered, shaking her head. "I asked if she enjoyed what she does with men and she said all men are not like Sandy was." She clasped her hands as she remembered the moment when she realized what her late husband had done. "Then I knew, Moira, I knew what he had done to her."

  "Aye, he and his friends used her badly."

  Anice could feel the blood drain from her face. "His friends, too?" she whispered, shuddering at the thoughts that raced through her mind. "Was she beaten?"

  "No' the way he did ye, Anice, but she will never be able to bear children."

  "Oh, dear God in heaven!" she cried out. "If that bastard was no' dead, I would have to kill him with my own hands." She heard her voice slip with the emotion behind it. When she realized what she had said, she gasped. Then she heard Moira laugh.

  "Oh, lass, 'tis glad I am to finally hear that from yer lips." Moira took her hands and closed her own around them. "Ye have lived first in fear and then in guilt over what he did to ye. Ye blamed yerself for his abominations. 'Tis good to see and hear yer anger at him for what he chose to do."

  "But, Moira, 'tis wrong to say that." Anise could feel the weight of her guilt once more. Had she brought Sandy's behavior on herself by her own? If that was not a sin, then surely her attempts to end her own life had been. She would pay for that the rest of her life and probably her soul would pay for eternity.

  "If Sandy attacked ye and ye were a man, ye would have challenged him and killed him on the field." Anise nodded in agreement. "But, because yer a woman, ye dinna have that choice. Ye must bear what yer husband seeks to give ye—be it good or bad. Dinna allow yerself to be fooled into thinking that just because ye must bear it, 'tis right and just."

  Anice reeled at the words. She had carried her guilt so long, it was difficult to let go of it. For now, she would try to accept what both Moira and Robena had said and leave it at that. She had much to think about.

  "I have much to do this day, Anice. So, if ye dinna need me...?" Moira stood and began walking to the door of her cottage.

  Anice rose from her seat and waited for her wobbly legs to gain strength. She, too, had many duties to carry out this day, the first of which was to feed the babe who was probably even now screaming out his hunger. She walked briskly back to the keep, but could not stop herself from staring at Robena's cottage as she passed by it once more.

  * ~ * ~ *

  The commotion began in the back of the room and spread slowly to the front, gaining his attention. He sat at the end of the table on the dais, as far away from Struan as he could get without leaving the table. And far enough away from Anice that he could breathe without detecting the scent that clung to her these days. 'Twas not of babe as she suspected, but of whatever herbs she added to her bath. He could smell their fragrance in her hair whenever she walked by him. He snorted, disappointed in how he'd allowed things to change so much.

  The last weeks had been hell—pure and simple hell for him. It seemed that Anice was invading his life more and more each day. Even as he drew back and tried to keep his thoughts and desires under control, she pushed her way in. His room had been refurbished: first a new mattress had appeared and then clean, sweet-smelling rushes covered the floor of his chamber every few days. His meager assortment of clothing had grown and those pieces which were fraying or torn were now repaired and cleaned. If he did not sit to eat with them in the hall, a tray of food appeared in his room later.

  The worst part of it was that she did not understand the impact her actions were having. He had it from a good source that she was doing these things to show her gratitude for his actions the night she had the bairn. And, even though he knew her motives were certainly innocent, it did not stop the wanting from growing within him once more. He was more the fool than he thought was possible.

  Robert searched through the room for the reason behind the wave of murmuring and saw the cause. Robena had entered the hall. Not once in his months in Dunnedin had she ever done so
; she had told him that Anice would not permit her within the keep. Now, there she stood in the doorway. He looked over to Anice to see what she would do, now that she had been openly defied before the clan.

  Anice motioned to one of the servants standing behind her and whispered some instructions to him. Robert was impressed that she would handle this discreetly. Tales of her temper, not seen for months and months and now reasserting itself, had been shared with him and he did not want to see his friend humiliated here before the whole clan. Those attending dinner were not going to allow this to be handled quietly, for all eyes and ears followed the servant's path through the hall to where Robena stood. And to their audible surprise, instead of leaving after the servant delivered the lady's message, Robena followed the man up to the front of the room and stood before the table.

  Anice did not look angry at all as she looked down where Robena stood. Robert held his breath, as did many in the hall, waiting for Anice's words.

  "So you have come to the hall after all."

  "Aye, my lady," Robena answered and curtsied to Anice.

  "Do you have a place to sit?" Anice looked at the tables below theirs and then back to Robena. "No one you can eat with?"

  A gasp moved through the crowd. This was unheard of— the lady inviting the village whore to join their company. Outside the presence of Anice, the villagers granted her a grudging acceptance; no one went out of their way to hurt or harm or harass her. Most of the women even spoke freely to her. But Anice, the Lady Anice, had long ago forbidden this woman, his friend, from entering.