Once Forbidden

by TERRI BRISBIN

  "Are ye willing to give up yer dream of being named as Struan's son?"

  She brought up the worst of it. He would need to forget about being Struan's son, and the one who should be heir, in order to have her. For although there may be a priest willing to hear the vows and declare them married, forcing his true identity on the clan would be asking for trouble. Her father could seek an annulment if he knew the truth. So, he could hope to one day take his place among the clan as the son of the laird, or he could marry her and keep his secret forever.

  His heart now told him there was truly only one choice.

  "If she will have me to husband, I will."

  Chapter 20

  The sound of hoofs moving down the now-dried path woke her from her sleep. 'Twas still twilight outside, due more to the season, she suspected, than the time. She stood and gathered a plain shawl around her shoulders against the chill. She stayed back in the shadows of the doorway until she could see who approached. From the size and shape of the man on the horse, she knew it was him. Robert had returned and now she would know her fate.

  He drew up close to the croft and pulled the stallion to a halt. Jumping to the ground, he loosened several sacks that were tied to his saddle and carried them inside. She reached out to take them from him.

  "Food for us, Anice. I am hungry and certain that ye must be as well. I will see to Dubh and be back shortly."

  She could only nod at his words and watch him walk out of the cottage. Food? How could she eat with her life hanging in the balance? Men were so strange; their stomachs and their cocks seemed to control their lives. One appetite or the other had to be satisfied almost every waking hour of each day. 'Twas a wonder to her that they accomplished anything at all besides eating and tupping.

  Anice opened the sacks and checked inside each one. Finding some roasted pigeons and bread, she placed the food on one of the wraps on the table. She found a round of yellow cheese and added it to the rest. She pulled a bench closer and sat. Robert entered a few minutes later, carrying more supplies and two skins.

  "Good, ye found the candles," Robert said, pointing at the few tallow lengths she used to light the cottage. "I forgot where they were usually stored here when we arrived so late last night. How is the bairn?"

  "Asleep for the night."

  He simply grunted and seated himself opposite her. Tearing off a chunk of bread, he stuffed it in his mouth and followed it with a mouthful from one of the skins. Her stomach tightened with every passing moment. Was he going to eat a complete meal without telling her anything? She stared at his movements as his hands went between the food and his mouth. After a few times, she slammed her hands on the table and stood.

  "Is something wrong, mil... Anice?"

  "Wrong? I have been sitting here all day waiting for you to return with a plan and you eat?"

  She realized her tone of voice too late to stop it. But instead of anger, Robert's face lightened at her words. She frowned, thoroughly confused.

  "I thought ye might be hungry after three days of nothing more than oatcakes and water. And ye had this set out and ready for me. Are ye no' ready to eat then?"

  She tried to tamp down her impatience—he had been on the road all day while she stayed here resting and caring for the bairn. Once she had realized that she no longer had the courage or desire to take her own life, a sense of anticipation had grown within her. Surely there was some dread mixed in with it, since she did not know if she could convince her father and Struan to let her keep the babe with her, no matter who they married her to. She hoped that Angus would be accepting enough to allow his new wife to bring her bairn with her to their home. Any number of things could go wrong, but she knew now that her focus must stay on keeping her son.

  She shook her head. "Robert, truthfully, I could not eat a bite. My stomach rebels even at the smell."

  He stood at her words and wiped his hands on the napkin holding the food. "Come then, let's step outside and speak."

  She looked over at her son and then back at him.

  "We will stay close enough to hear him if he haes need of ye."

  Robert opened the door and Anice followed him through. The night sky was clear and the half moon shed its beams over the forest. A light breeze added a chill to the air and Anice gathered her shawl closer around her shoulders. He walked a few paces away from the cottage and stopped near the path. She held her breath and waited for his words.

  "I spoke with the MacKillop and he haes given me until tomorrow to 'find' ye."

  "Find me? But I am right here."

  "I couldna lie to him, Anice. He told me that Struan's messengers had reached him and that Struan believes ye are with me."

  "Why?"

  He blew out an exasperated breath at her. "Who else left Dunnedin at about the same time as ye? Are ye daft? Ye never go to the shielings in the summer, so he kenned to look for ye with me."

  "Oh."

  She could say no more than that. She had never left Dunnedin since she arrived there at age twelve. She had explored the boundaries of keep and village, but never out to the summer shielings where the clan took the cattle for summer grazing. The shielings were primitive cottages, not unlike this one. She preferred having some comforts about her and those were found in the keep.

  "I understand ye didna think about yer actions when ye left." She nodded and he continued. "There may be a way to avoid this marriage to Angus MacLaren and keep yer babe." He paused and the tension grew as she waited for his pronouncement. "Ye must marry someone else who will agree to stay at Dunnedin."

  Her body quaked at the thought of wedding any man. And there was no one suitable for her to marry within the MacKendimens, no one of rank or title suitable for the daughter of an earl and mother of one who would inherit such a title at becoming laird. If one had been available, her father would have pursued that match to keep his alliance with Struan a strong one, rather than looking elsewhere. Angus's father, the current MacLaren, stood high in the respect of the community of the realm that guarded Scotland's interests while King David was still a hostage, but he ranked as an earl as well. It was a good match if a marriage of equals was being sought.

  "Even if I could make myself submit to a husband again, and I am not certain I could, there is no one suitable for me, Robert. Surely you see that?"

  "Marry me, Anice."

  The world stopped at that moment. Everything around her went silent and then her ears filled with a buzzing sound that grew louder and louder until she could hear nothing else. Robert wore a grim expression on his face now, probably insulted by her reaction or lack of it. Marry him? The son of the steward? How could she? And even if she could, how would it work? The noise subsided in her ears and she knew she must answer him.

  "How, Robert? Struan would never..."

  "I will deal with the laird, Anice. Leave that to me."

  "And my father? Who will deal with him?" She twisted her hands together and turned away. Her father would not stand for this. Even if they could find a priest who would marry them without her father's permission, he could seek to have her marriage annulled.

  "Again, I will see to him as well. I can handle all of this, but only if ye will have me to husband. Will ye?"

  His voice had softened on those last words—they sounded like a plea rather than his earlier statement. If she brushed aside all her concerns, the minor and major ones that came to mind immediately, it still came down to the question of whether she could put herself under a husband's control. Robert was asking her to do that of her own will; her father and Struan would force her to it, will-her or nill-her. Even as the terror inside fought its way out, she knew that all men were not the same. If she had believed they were, she could never have left the security of Dunnedin to seek Robert out on the road for help.

  He was different. He was safe. Could she accept him as husband and submit to him in all things? All things? She grimaced as she faced him and, from his reaction, she knew he'd seen her look.

&nb
sp; "I am not certain that I can yield all of me to a husband, Robert, even if that husband is you."

  There, she'd said it. He needed to understand that she could not be a wife to him in the true sense of the word, for she could never willingly submit to the physical attentions of another man. If she married, her husband would have to take his marital rights without her consent or cooperation. She shuddered at the very thought of lying with a man in that way.

  He approached her and put his hands on her shoulders. Months before, she could not have tolerated such an action, but now it simply sent chills through her. His face was in the shadows now so she could not tell his mood or his reaction to her words. They were a challenge of sorts, since no wife could deny her husband anything he wanted. Both God's laws and the clan's upheld a man's right to everything a woman brought to the marriage—her body was included along with any property or gold she brought and any children she produced.

  "I am no' the monster yer husband was, Anice," he whispered. "I would no' take that which ye canna give freely to me."

  "You say that now, Robert, but once the deed is done..." Once the vows were taken, he could do as he willed.

  "Ye came to me because ye trusted me. Ye brought yer son to me because of that trust. I am telling ye that ye can accept my word now. Once married, I will no' force myself on ye. Other than a few kisses, ye will no' bear the brunt of my attentions." He let go of her and stepped back.

  "Kisses?" She swallowed deeply at the thought of his kisses. She remembered the one between him and Robena that she had witnessed his first day in Dunnedin. How would it feel to have his lips on hers? Could she stand it? She raised her fingers to her lips trying to imagine it.

  "For appearance's sake, Anice. We must look married for this to work. If Struan and yer father suspected otherwise, they could press for an annulment."

  "You give your word?"

  "I have said so," he said on another exasperated breath. "Ye question my honor when ye doubt me this way." He stood with his hands on his hips, looking every inch the warrior. His words, his very stance, were now a challenge to her. Could she accept his offer even though there were more uncertainties than guarantees? Did she have another alternative that would save her life and keep her son with her?

  Nay. They both knew this was the only choice she had.

  "Aye, Robert. I will have you to husband."

  He grunted at her acceptance, turned from her, and walked away in the direction of the stream. She was not sure what she had expected his reaction to be, but this was not it. A part of her thought he might use one of those occasional kisses to seal their agreement and she had felt a tingle of anticipation move through her. Obviously, he had not thought the same thing.

  She stood now in the silence of the night alone and listened to the sounds of him moving through the bushes in the distance. Anice knew somehow that he was not coming back soon and decided to wait for him within. The food on the table still waited and now she found she had an appetite. Tearing off a piece of the roasted pigeon, she bit into it and savored the cold yet flavorful meat. She wondered if he would return to join her in this meal.

  * ~ * ~ *

  He cursed himself all the way to the stream. He truly was a fool a thousand times over for agreeing not to... have her. He burned inside out with the need to touch her, taste her, fill her, and now he had given his word that he would not? He smacked his head with his hand and cursed his foolishness out loud this time.

  "A bloody buffoon! How could I have been so god-awful stupid to agree?"

  He reached the water and almost walked right into its rushing current. 'Twould serve him right to end the night in its icy depths. And mayhap it could help the constant state of arousal he'd lived with since she found him on the road. A lot of good it would do him now; he'd just promised not to touch her. Her pale face with its look of haunted vulnerability had led to his downfall. He'd taken one look at her and knew the problem.

  Now he would have to live with his promise. And he knew deep within that this was only the start of the trouble he faced now that she had consented to marry him. Once the vows were taken, they would go to Dunbarton and then back to Dunnedin and Struan's wrath. Well, at least he had some information that he could use to stop Struan's protests. For Robert had recognized Dunbarton's new fletcher that morning. One look at the man and Robert realized that the arrow-maker and Sandy's death were connected. A few well-placed questions and Robert knew the truth of the link between Struan and his son's demise.

  That would be enough to stop Struan. For how long, he did not know. He would take the time to build a marriage, one that Anice could hopefully find some measure of happiness in. But, the question he could not answer was why he was doing it. Yes, he did love Anice in his own way and he wanted to protect her.

  It was the origins of his feelings that led him to guilt. He did not know, he could not say, how much of what he felt was for her or for the sense of triumph over his brother it brought him. It was not the noblest of beginnings, but he promised himself that she would never know by word or deed that any part of him wanted her simply to best Sandy. He could also not deny that part of him wanted her for the position it brought him to within the hierarchy of the clan. For as her husband, he would be guardian of the next laird and in place should something befall either Struan or Craig.

  Without even being recognized by Struan as his son, Robert would gain all that he desired by marrying Anice. And, since the MacKendimens still chose their chieftain by the selection of the elders and not the primogeniture that the lowlanders and Sassenachs favored, he had time to demonstrate the skills and abilities he had honed over the years as castellan for the MacKillops. Struan was old and Craig was very, very young and many things could happen to an old man or a bairn in the years between one or the other being laird.

  He knelt beside the rushing rivulet and splashed the cold waters on his face and arms. Scooping some in his hands to drink, he felt the rumblings in his belly and realized that he never had eaten the meal he'd brought back with him. Robert trotted back to the croft and entered quietly, not wanting to disturb the sleeping babe or Anice if she'd retired for the night. He saw her bending over and picking something up from the floor next to her pallet.

  "I forgot about the food. Have ye eaten?"

  She gasped and straightened before him, keeping her hand hidden in the folds of her skirt. "Aye, Robert. I waited but you did not return."

  "'Tis well that ye went on wi’out me, Anice. What is left?"

  "I did not eat much, really," she said, pointing to the food still remaining on the table. One candle still burned to light his way around the cottage. "There are still two of the pigeons and most of the bread and cheese."

  He noticed that she slipped her hand into her pocket then out again empty. What did she hide from him? He walked to the table and sat, pulling the food closer to him.

  "Ye should get some rest now, Anice. Tomorrow promises to be a trying day for ye."

  "I could not sleep without hearing from you about your plan. Is there a priest to marry us? Does the MacKillop know what you are doing?"

  "I spoke at length with Faither Cleirach today and he will hear our vows."

  "Without banns?"

  "Aye," he said as he tore some bread and cheese off the loaves. "And wi’out witnesses."

  "Robert, how can that be? No priest would do this." She stood nearer to him and her voice was filled with the beginnings of panic.

  "A priest of the old church will." Father Cleirach practiced the ways of the older Celtic church. A small but faithful following still worshiped at his stone church in the woods outside Dunbarton. The good father had confirmed just what Ada had told him—'twas his duty to care for his brother's widow and her child. He urged him to follow the way of the Bible and shelter Anice from those who would harm her. If the cleric had been surprised to hear his story, he never showed it.

  "There is one here? I did not know any still lived in this area." She walked ove
r, took the refuse away from the table, and threw it in the hearth.

  "Aye. He haes lived here all his life and Duncan respects him and his ways." He sensed there was something she wanted to ask. "What is it, Anice? What do ye hesitate to say?"

  She took a few shaky breaths in and out before she spoke. "Did you tell him...? Does he know...? About my trying to...?" She could say no more, but he watched her rub the inside of her wrists as though they itched or hurt.

  "I didna share yer sin with him, Anice. 'Tis yers to hold wi'in or confess."

  She nodded and turned away; he heard her let out the air in her lungs. Before he could say anything else, she faced him once more.

  "How can you marry me when you know the sin I carry on my soul? Will I not damn you as well with the evil inside me?" She stood motionless, waiting for his answer.

  "And how can ye marry me wi’out kenning mine?" He reached over for her hands and was pleased when she did not pull away from his grasp. "We are all sinners, Anice. And we all try to make our way in this world. 'Tis the trying that I think matters the most to the Almighty." And he would pray that she never discovered his deception or his dishonest desires for her and what she offered. She simply bowed her head for a moment and then lifted her hands from his.

  "What did ye hide from me in yer pocket?" He suspected but wanted her to tell him.

  Anice stopped where she was and slipped her hand inside the pocket and drew out an object. A small dagger. It was an eating knife, but she planned another use for it. She would not meet his eyes.

  "Have ye decided no' to, then? Am I the lesser of two evils?"

  "'Twas all I thought about most of the day, Rob. At one point, I even decided to carry out the deed before your return. But I could not go through with it."

  "Why no'?" He needed to know what stopped her.

  "I realized that the Almighty had saved my life twice and mayhap I should not be questioning his gift. And"—she looked up and met his gaze—"I trusted you to find another way."