Once Forbidden

by TERRI BRISBIN

  "My thanks for yer help and for coming so quickly to her aid."

  "I was here treating Struan's stomach pain so 'twas no inconvenience to me,"

  Moira walked to the door and he rose to follow her. She stopped him and saw herself out. Robert sat just watching Anice sleep for a long time. Then he realized that he should tell Emma to keep the bairn for the night. Standing and stretching, he circled the room and blew out most of the candles before leaving.

  "Robert?" she whispered. "Is that you?"

  "Aye, Anice. I am here."

  "Keep me safe, Robert. Please?"

  He knew by the turn of her head and her breathing that she had sunk back into a deeper sleep. And he swore then that he would keep her safe even if it meant from him.

  * ~ * ~ *

  The sunlight shining through the window above her was a good thing. The bitter aftertaste of one of Moira's brews was not. She pushed herself up onto her elbows and looked around her chambers. Firtha sat off in the corner with Craig on her lap, singing to him about his toes and tickling them as she sang. He obviously enjoyed it, for he giggled right along with her words and touches. Anice smiled at her son's antics.

  "Yer pardon, Anice, if we woke ye?" Firtha asked when she saw her sitting up.

  "I think it is time for me to rise. How far past daybreak is it?" She slid to the side of the bed and stood. A bit unsteady on her feet, Anice held on to the bedpost and waited for the dizziness to pass.

  "Well, we finished the noon meal sometime ago."

  "What? And no one woke me?"

  Firtha stood and positioned Craig on her hip. Coming closer, her companion offered her a cup of water.

  "Robert gave orders that none were to disturb yer rest. He said ye were no' feeling well and should be left alone. Ye look well now."

  "I feel better, too, Firtha. Is he ready to eat yet?—for I am surely ready for him." Her breasts were full and hard from the length of time that had passed without a feeding.

  "The little piglet will eat anytime ye offer it to him, Anice. Let me help ye to a chair. Or do ye wish to see to yer needs first since he is no' pitching a fit yet?"

  "Can you keep him for a few minutes longer? Let me wash up a bit first."

  Anice quickly used the garderobe and washed over the basin in her room. Many questions about last night pressed into her thoughts, but she refused to think about them now. After she saw to her son's needs would be soon enough. She was settled down, feeding her son, when Firtha gave her the message.

  "Robert asked if ye would join him outside, if ye felt up to it."

  "When?"

  "He said I should ask ye when ye awoke if ye felt up to a short walk with him out in the yard. If ye do, he said to come out when yer ready. If no', he will speak to ye later."

  She did not know if she could face him yet. He must be shocked by her behavior. She remembered only patches of it when the terror came upon her and knew that she completely lost control during those times. Usually it happened at night, so only Firtha and Moira and Struan were aware of the hysteria she suffered from. But now, Robert had seen it and he must be horrified by it.

  Anice did not dwell on it, fearing that thinking too much about the cause might bring it back. She hoped that Robert would not either, for she was not certain how to explain the madness to him. He had gained many more problems in their marriage than even he had bargained for; he surely knew that now. And with her inability to grant him his marital rights, he must be regretting ever getting involved in this.

  "I do feel like taking a walk, Firtha. If you'll help me dress, I will meet Robert as he requested."

  * ~ * ~ *

  She found him standing not far from the keep, leaning against the fence that surrounded the stable yards. The late summer breeze blew across the open expanse between the buildings and caused his hair to blow in his face. If he noticed, he gave no sign of it, staring off into the distance at something she could not see. Anice walked quietly to his side, trying not to disturb his thoughts. Although she thought he'd stiffened at her approach, he gave no sign of noticing her presence. Until Craig gurgled at the sight of him.

  Robert turned and faced her then, first a quick glance then a thorough one from her head to her feet. Then he smiled at her and reached for the babe.

  "Here, ye must be tired out from carrying him all this way." He took Craig and led them both to a spot in the shade of a nearby tree. "Would ye like to sit?"

  He held out his hand to her and she took it, holding on as she knelt down then sat on the ground. He sat down and placed Craig on his lap as though it were the most natural thing for him to do. She watched him with her son and felt such love for him that her heart felt as though it would burst. Her eyes filled with tears as she realized that she loved him for all that he meant to her. He met every need she had and never forced his own on her. He cared for her and her son through injury and illness and never asked for a return. And she loved him with everything within her.

  She rubbed her eyes to hide the tears. Looking away, she took a few slow deep breaths, trying to accept the emotion she now recognized within her. She could never tell him about it for he would feel even more responsible for her, but it was there in her heart.

  "Are ye well, Anice?" he asked in a soft voice. His concern nearly forced the tears to her eyes once more.

  "I am well, Robert. Just some dust in my eye, 'tis all." She wiped at them again and had the feeling that he saw through the weak excuse.

  "I wanted to speak about last night," he started. "I am certain that ye are as uncomfortable as I am in bringing it up."

  "Robert, you do not have to say..."

  He held up his hand to stop her. "In spite of what Moira said, I feel responsible for yer... attack last night. I can accept that I did no' mean for it to happen, but my actions caused it."

  "No, Robert, 'twas not your fault."

  "I pushed ye too hard for what I wanted and did no' give ye time to adjust to our marriage."

  She turned to face him. "Robert, I wanted to be your wife in all ways last night. I did. Truly."

  He lifted his hand and rubbed her cheek lightly with the back of it. "I think ye did, Anice. But some part of ye is no' ready or the terror would no' have seized on ye as it did."

  She wanted to argue with him; however, he was right— something inside was not ready. "How will I know, Robert?"

  "Ye will ken the time of it, Anice. And I will be waiting for ye to come to me. I will wait for ye to take the first step. Dinna fear that I will push ye in this again."

  "Another man would not be so tolerant."

  "I canna answer for any other man, Anice. I only ken that forcing ye before yer ready would make me no better than the monster ye married first. And I could no' live being that kind of man."

  No, he could not. He was honorable and kind. He put her concerns before his on a regular basis. No other man could come close to him. And he was her husband.

  "Will you be in the hall for dinner or should I have something kept for you?" She had to change the subject or she risked sobbing out her love for him.

  "If ye would like, I can join ye there."

  "Please?" Robert looked at her and nodded his agreement.

  "Now, I should take the piglet inside for his nap." She stood and reached down to him. "I'm certain you have things to do?"

  He stood and straightened his plaid. "Aye, I do. So, I will see ye in the hall."

  She watched as he walked away. She watched the wind blow his hair wild and the long stride he took when he moved. And she loved him more than she had just minutes ago.

  Chapter 30

  The next week moved quickly for her. For the first time since her marriage, Anice felt like her old self and worked on a daily schedule with Connor. A year before she had not been able to complete many of the tasks usually undertaken in the autumn so she wanted to be prepared for the coming change in seasons. The clan, still uncertain of how she and Robert came to be married, yet unwilling to involve
themselves in the estrangement between them and Struan, missed nothing.

  Robert continued to work with the warriors and to improve the defenses of the castle and village. He and Struan seemed to forge some kind of understanding, for she did not notice the outward signs of their dispute. She would like to have known how he gained Struan's compliance, but feared asking either one. Anice decided to allow her husband to worry about that.

  She did fret about her father's reaction to this. The fact that he had said and done nothing in response to the messages Struan must surely have sent, did make her nervous. When she tried to discuss it with Robert, his reply was the same—he would handle it.

  What concerned her most however was how to take the first step towards what she really wanted. Her body's reaction to his nearness, his smiles, his movements, told her she was ready to try. She did not know how he maintained such a calm demeanor around her, for she knew he caught her staring at his hands and at his mouth as she remembered the feel of them on her that night. The heat that surged through her at those moments was as enticing to her as he was and she searched for a way to make it happen. However, it was her uncertainty about the terror returning that kept her from taking that first step.

  One evening at dinner, she looked around the hall and searched for Robena. Something tickled her mind and she thought that mayhap the woman could help answer her question.

  "Robert, I do not see your friend here. Does Robena not eat in the hall?"

  He choked on the food he was swallowing when she asked and it took several minutes and several mouthfuls of ale before he could speak again.

  "I have no' seen her since that night, Anice," he said in a low voice. "I think she fears yer wrath about what happened here."

  No words about Robert's behavior that night had been spoken since then, so she was puzzled by his comments. Robert had sworn that nothing had happened between them and she took him at his word. No one had asked how she felt about it, but 'twas obvious what they thought.

  "My wrath? Why, Robert? What have I ever done to make you think I blamed her for your stupidity that night?"

  She fought to keep the smile from her lips. Her words almost exactly echoed his own when he asked about her preconceived notions of him. And she waited for his reaction when he realized that she insulted him. His mouth dropped open and he stared dumbfounded at her. It felt good to tease him like this.

  "Kenneth?" she called out. When the boy approached, she spoke again. "Go and fetch Robena to me, please."

  When the boy had left on his errand, she turned back to find her husband still staring at her.

  "Truly, Anice, she should no' bear the brunt of yer anger. I was to blame for the foolishness that night." He reached for her hand and then stopped, clearly unsure of whether he should touch her or not.

  "I only wish to speak to her, Robert. And if somehow I have given the clan the idea that she should be punished, then I want to correct that up now."

  He looked as if he wanted to say more, but he took another drink of his ale instead. A few minutes passed and Kenneth entered the hall, followed by Robena. No one greeted her as they had just weeks before and no one offered her a seat at their table. Instead, the sound of hissing could be heard as she moved through the room. A few men even spit on the floor as she passed by. As she came closer, Anice could see the fear on her face. She stood and walked down the steps to meet her. Robena dropped into a deep curtsy before her, but Anice grabbed her hand and made her stand.

  "Robena, thank you for coming so quickly. Will you join me in the solar?"

  As they made their way through the crowd, Anice asked her if she'd eaten yet. When Robena said no, she asked for someone to bring a tray to them in the solar. She knew exactly what her actions were saying to those who witnessed this. She could not allow the good that she had done in getting this woman accepted by the people to be lost because of her problems with Robert. She hoped this meeting would be enough without saying something more direct.

  A short while later, after the tray had been delivered and after Robena had been assured that Robert had spoken on her behalf, Anice was ready to discuss the real reason behind her summons.

  "I need your help, Robena."

  "My help, milady? How can I help ye?"

  Anice stood and walked over to the large window on one side of the room. This would not be easy—for either of them—and she did not know how to begin. She heard Robert's voice in her mind telling her to just say it. She smiled at his straightforwardness.

  "How did you get the courage to take men to your bed after Sandy's attack?"

  Anice turned at Robena's gasp. 'Twas as she feared—too personal a question even for a whore.

  "Milady, are ye certain we should speak of this? He is dead and buried and I would prefer no' to think about that."

  Anice walked to her side and taking the woman's hand in hers, she looked directly at her. "I think you know that he did to me what he did to you?" Robena answered her with a shaky nod of her head. "I need to get past it as you have." At her frown, she added, "For Robert."

  "Milady, I will no' speak to ye of my times with Robert..."

  "Nay, I do not expect you to break any of the confidences you hold from times you... saw him before we were married. But, Robena, I will not share him with you now that we are. No matter the state of our marriage, I cannot allow that."

  She was bluffing of course and in spite of the fact that she thought that Robena knew it too, the woman nodded in agreement. No woman could keep a husband from sleeping where he would and spreading his seed where he wished. In spite of that, Anice could issue this ultimatum to Robena and hope the woman would do her best to abide by it.

  Anice walked to the chair next to Robena's. Sitting in it, she looked at the whore. "I want to... I wish to fulfill my... Robert wants..." Oh, damn, she thought, this was simply not something a lady spoke of to another woman.

  "Ye have no' slept with Robbie yet? Is that the problem?"

  "Aye," she whispered, now unable to meet Robena's gaze.

  "And ye wish to?"

  The heat stole into her cheeks. "Aye."

  "Can ye answer my questions so that I might help ye in this?"

  Anice glanced up and found a look of concern on the woman's face. She dared to hope that this might work after all.

  "I will answer what I can."

  "Haes he kissed ye?" She nodded but Robena shook her head. "As a man kisses his lover? No' simply on the cheek, but in yer mouth?"

  Thoughts of his tongue in her mouth and the waves of heat those feelings created filled her mind. "Aye."

  "Haes he touched ye? On yer breasts and there?" Robena pointed to the junction of her thighs. She could almost feel his fingers approaching that place again, and as his fingers had done, even the memories caused the wetness to seep there.

  "Aye," she said a bit breathlessly.

  Robena smiled at her; obviously the signs of her arousal were not missed by someone who made a living at creating that condition in her patrons.

  "When did the memories come upon ye? When he tried to enter ye?"

  She did understand! Anice wanted to cry in relief as she knew then that Robena had gone through the same thing.

  "Nay, he did not put himself inside me. It was a simple thing, a touch of his teeth on my neck."

  She saw the shiver move through Robena and knew they shared another shameful experience. But if Robena could resume her activities, mayhap Anice could learn to take Robert into her body.... She did not need or expect to like it; she really only need tolerate it... for him.

  "Forgive me, Robena, for reminding you. I..."

  "Nay, milady. 'Tis fine. Let me tell ye how I managed to hold the bad memories at bay. Of course, I was already more experienced in this than ye are. I kenned that it did no' have to be this way."

  Anice nodded. Robena had been a whore for some years before Sandy attacked her, not a virgin bride, completely inexperienced and untouched.

  "I was able
to choose who I would tup after that and I chose men who I kenned would be gentle and even fun. Then, when I would feel the fear gaining a hold of me, I would make sure to keep my eyes open and watch them. And if the fear came, I would think about the good feelings they kindled in me."

  "You watched them? While they...?"

  "Aye, milady. Keep yer eyes open so ye ken who it is. Another question for ye, if ye dinna mind?" Anice nodded even as she thought over this approach Robena suggested. She had become confused in her terror and could not tell who was with her. Visions of Sandy's face had merged with Robert's until she did not know. Keeping her gaze on his face might help.

  "Does he make ye wet... there?" Anice followed Robena's eyes and nodded again, unable to admit that even now she was.

  "Then if ye feel the fear beginning, just concentrate on how he makes ye feel there. Think only about his hands and his mouth on ye. Keep watching him."

  Anice sat back and reached for the cup of ale on the table. Her face felt overheated and she could feel the sweat dripping down her back. She pulled out a linen square from her sleeve and mopped her brow.

  Robena laughed at her actions. "If just talking about doing this with Robbie gets ye that way, ye will be fine."

  Anice stood and Robena followed. They walked to the door, but before Anice could open it, Robena touched her hand.

  "Milady? I have kenned him since we were bairns. He is a good man, a special man. If ye but give him a sign, he will take care of ye in this."

  "I know that, Robena. He is waiting on me for that sign. And I do not know what to do."

  "Touch him the way ye like to be touched. Kiss him the way ye like to be kissed. Tis simple, really."

  "I will try. I owe him that much." Anice reached for the handle of the door, but Robena stopped her again.

  "Ye do no' do this because of obligation, lady. I can see the love ye bear for him in yer eyes when ye speak of him."