What Would Satan Do?
Page 32
“Jesus!” said Lola. “What is your problem?”
Satan glanced around for a second, confused, and then looked sheepish again. He shrugged and pointed at the frog, as if the fact that frogs needed to be stomped to bits was perfectly fucking obvious.
“He is the Devil, you know,” said Raju.
Lola whacked him.
“Ow!” said Raju. “Witch!”
“Wait a minute,” said Festus. “It’s him.” Nobody waited a minute, or did anything else to acknowledge the fact that he had spoken, so he said it again. “It’s him.”
“What?” asked Liam.
“Who?” asked Satan, administering a sly kick to another frog who’d appeared from the not-quite-gaping chasm. He smiled, as if that would make his amphibicide somehow alright.
“Dude, what’s your problem, you weirdo?” said Raju. “Don’t you—”
“You,” said Festus, turning to face Liam. “It was you all along.
“What?” asked Liam.
“You!” said Festus. “You’re a freak! All that weird stuff! All of it! It always happens when you’re around. It’s you! All of this is your fault.”
“I had nothing to do with this shit!” said Liam.
“No,” said Festus. “You are the Antichrist.”
“You just got shot! But you didn’t. You’re just fine!” Festus was just shy of foaming at the mouth at this point. “And… And I was Jesus. I’m your companion and I pretended to be Jesus. Just like in the Book of Daniel. All of it. Just like in the Bible.”
“Whoa, dude,” said Raju. “Hold it right there. You pretended to be Jesus? That’s blasphemy, dude. I don’t think we can be friends anymore.”
Festus turned to look at Raju. “What the fuck? Shut up.” He turned back to Liam. “You are the Antichrist. Everything fits.”
“Pssh… nah.” Liam waved Festus off. “That’s crazy.”
“No, no,” said Raju, “he’s nowhere near that cool.” He turned to Satan to explain. “He just owns a guitar shop.”
But Satan wasn’t looking at Raju. His eyes were fixed on Festus. They were kind of squinty too, like maybe he was posing for a poster for an action movie and needed to convey that sense of cool, jaded apathy that really hot movie stars seem to be so good at.
“The frogs…” said Festus.
Satan’s eyes narrowed a little further.
“The locusts…”
More ocular narrowing occurred.
“The earthquake, the nasty rain…”
At this point Satan was squinting so hard that it wasn’t clear whether he could actually see anything.
“And you set that guy’s head on fire,” said Festus, turning back to face Liam again.
“And the cheese sauce,” said Raju, his eyes wide.
“What?” asked Festus.
“The cheese sauce, dude.”
“I,” said Festus, “have no clue what you’re talking about. None at all.”
“Dude! The fucking cheese sauce! Are you stupid or something? The fucking cheese sauce, dude!”
“You’re right!” said Festus. “The queso! I totally forgot!” That seemed to clench it. “You are the Antichrist!”
“Just because I can make queso appear?” asked Liam. “Which is something I completely deny, by the way.”
“Totally,” said Raju.
“I am not the Antichrist,” said Liam.
The rumbling and shaking got louder.
“You are,” said Festus.
“So,” said Lola, mulling it over. “That story about you and the vice president – that was true?”
Liam shrugged. “This is crazy,” he said to Festus.
Festus pointed to the big, winged guy there in the hall way, and then to the splatted Cadmon. “Crazier than that? Or that?”
“Okay,” said Satan. “Let’s kill him.”
“No!” said Lola. She stepped in front of Liam and brandished the gun at Satan. The building stopped shaking.
A wry smile came over Liam’s face. “You’d defend me against the Devil himself?”
“Well, yeah,” she said, returning the smile.
“How about me?” asked Raju. “Would you defend my honor, too?”
Lola slapped him.
“You are the Antichrist,” said Festus. He spun to face Satan. “I’m right, aren’t I?”
Satan nodded. “We should kill him.”
“No!” said Lola.
“Alright,” said Liam. “Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that I am.”
“You are,” said Festus.
“Fine,” said Liam. “Okay, so what do I do?”
“Probably die,” said Satan.
“Other than that?”
Satan crossed his arms, put his chin in his hand, and sighed. “I don’t know.” He cogitated, his lips pursed intensely. “Probably best just to go ahead die. I’m happy to help.”
“Wait,” said Festus. “When does this … stuff happen?”
“What do you mean?” asked Liam.
“It’s when you’re angry, or upset, right?”
“Sure,” Liam nodded. He heaved a weary sigh. “Yeah, you know, weird stuff happens when I get pissed.”
“Ooh!” said Satan. “I can help with that. Watch this.” He made some horsey breathing sounds. “Helps,” he said in between breaths. “Totally.”
Liam, Lola, Festus, and Raju just stared at the hyperventilating Lord of the Underworld. He stared back. Liam, Lola, and even Festus immediately found other, much more interesting things to stare at. Raju kept on staring.
“Dude,” he said, “what the fuck are you doing?”
Satan’s respiratory distress came to an immediate and abrupt halt. “It is,” he said, lingering on the hissing sibilant, “an anger management exercise.”
“Oh,” said Raju. He nodded, and stuck out his lower lip. “Cool.”
“Okay,” said Festus, “so don’t get angry. Or control your anger. Try breathing, like Satan says.”
“But I’m not angry right now. Kind of tense, I guess, but not angry.” The floor started shaking again as if to emphasize his point.
“Hmm…” said Festus. He glanced at Satan.
Satan held up his hands as if Festus were about to shoot. “You know what I think.”
“I guess,” said Liam, “that lately I’ve been feeling … I don’t know … out of sorts. Like something just isn’t right. I thought I was depressed.”
“Yeah?” asked Festus. “For how long?”
Satan rolled his eyes and sighed impatiently.
“I told you!” said Raju, finally recovered from Lola’s most recent beat down. “I told you! I said your chakras all fucked up! Didn’t I? Didn’t I?” He eyed everyone in turn. “Didn’t I?”
“Raju, shut up!” said Liam, Lola, and Festus.
“Yes,” said Satan. “Please shut up.”
Lola regarded Liam for a moment, and then tucked the pistol back into the waist of her pants and stepped over to where he stood. She lifted her hand, placed it on his cheek, and stared straight into his eyes. They stood like that for several seconds.
“Dude,” said Raju. “What’s—?”
“It’s your choice,” said Lola. “You have to choose.”
He stared at her.
“It’s your choice,” she said.
She leaned in and gave him a soft kiss.
Liam stared at her for a moment, and then a look of recognition spread over his face. He smiled, leaned in, and kissed her back.
“Dude,” said Raju. “That’s awesome. But wait, what are we going to do about—” And then the rumbling stopped.
“It’s done,” said Satan.
“What?” asked Raju. “That’s it.” He looked to Festus for support, but Festus was lost in his own thoughts.
“Neither shall he regard the God of his fathers, nor the desire of women, nor regard any god: for he shall magnify himself above all,” said Festus.
“What the fuck does that mean
?” asked Raju.
“It means,” said Festus, “that there is no Antichrist here.”
“What? Because she kissed him?” asked Raju. “That’s so fucking gay!”
“No, it isn’t,” said Satan.
“That’s the prophecy,” said Festus.
“Dude…” said Raju. “Dude!” He looked around, as if he were searching for something. “What if—? What if I were the Antichrist. Can I get a kiss? Please?”
“Hush,” said Satan.
They all stood there for a moment. The floor and walls were still and quiet.
“So,” said Lola. “That’s it?”
“Yes,” said Satan. “I think it is.” He smiled. “Now,” he said, “would anyone else like to get some ice cream?”
About the Author
The author lives in Texas, and is the proud father of three little clones. He likes mashed potatoes and shiny stuff.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1. The Apostles Were Dirty Cannibals
Chapter 2. Behold: Megachurch
Chapter 3. Enorma Was Round, Like Sputnik
Chapter 4. Holy Land Coffee
Chapter 5. Where You Can Stick that Parking Permit
Chapter 6. Magic Queso from Heaven
Chapter 7. Shirley Is a Merciless, Automaton Whore
Chapter 8. Asthmatic Dugong
Chapter 9. Liam Has Chick Issues
Chapter 10. Death Star and Swanky Hotel with Goldfish, Go!
Chapter 11. The Devil Went Down to Pennsylvania Avenue
Chapter 12. Grandma Was Secretly a Velociraptor
Chapter 13. Friggin’ FBI Agents Everywhere
Chapter 14. Wanted: Antichrist
Chapter 15. Clyde Parker Clogs Satan’s Commode
Chapter 16. Klaxon Ducks
Chapter 17. Texarkana
Chapter 18. Festus Is an Idiot Who Calls Too Early in the Morning
Chapter 19. I Love a Parade of Naked Guys
Chapter 20. Clyde Parker Mortuus Est
Chapter 21. Ima Eat Some BBQ, Bitches
Chapter 22. Bonus Taco!
Chapter 23. Whitford Flosses, Calls in the Secessionists
Chapter 24. A Second Date with Lola
Chapter 25. Beat Me Up, Scotty
Chapter 26. Rule No. 37: Always Take the Body with You
Chapter 27. Satan Wakes Up to Bunny Slippers
Chapter 28. Ramón
Chapter 29. Mean Dude in a Track Suit
Chapter 30. Satan Remembers that He Is Awesome
Chapter 31. Hells Bells
Chapter 32. Straight into the Frying Pan
Chapter 33. The Militant Arm of the American Geriatrics Association
Chapter 34. Frying Pans Suck
Chapter 35. God is a Violence Junkie
Chapter 36. Why Aren’t There Any Naked Ladies?
Chapter 37. The Rain Is Disgusting
Chapter 38. Running Wild as a Dog in the House of the Lord
Chapter 39. Wherein Satan Enjoys Dessert
Chapter 40. Dude, How Small Is Your Cat?
Chapter 41. What Would Festus Do?
Chapter 42. I’ll Take Your Army, Please
Chapter 43. A Van Powered by Love
Chapter 44. There Are a Lot of Weirdos Here
Chapter 45. Lola and the Men Who Love Her
Chapter 46. Blasted Bits and Way Too Many Ralphs
Chapter 47. Our Heroes Run Away
Chapter 48. Whitford Flambé with Lemon
Chapter 49. Satan and Ezekiel
Chapter 50. Ezekiel’s Fiery Sword of Death
Chapter 51. The Antichrist