Valentine Wishes (Baxter Academy Book 1)

by Jane Charles

  Keep pushing for the school. I know that it can be done. Since I won’t be using my trust fund from Grandpa and our parents, make sure that it is used for the school. With my five mil, there is no reason for them not to seriously consider it. I know they didn’t want to strap the foundation financially, but now they won’t have to. Make them do it, Jackie. You and Grams are the only one who can make them and while it’s being built, get your degree so you can run it. Save those who can be saved.

  Tell Grandma goodbye. She’ll be sad, but I know she’ll get it. More than you do.

  I love you, sis.

  Theo

  P.S. I’d rather not have a funeral but I get how people need closure and shit like that. Besides, it’s not like I need to be there. But, for the love of God, do not put me in a suit. I swear, I’ll haunt you if you do. My favorite jeans and one of my blue t-shirts. Gram might have a preference.

  I know they show pictures and stuff at visitations now and because I don’t want anything embarrassing up, I made the CD. This is what I want. My photographs. The ones I took and a few of me, to make you and Gram happy.

  Love you! It’s time to go fly.

  Jackie is just sitting at the foot of the bed staring at a piece of paper, tears streaming down her face. I should have never let her come up here alone, but she seemed to have it together.

  “What’s that?”

  “He killed himself.” Her voice is hollow. “Today wasn’t an accident. Theo committed suicide.”

  I’m not buying that. If you really want to kill yourself, you don’t use a car. It’s too unpredictable. There is no guarantee you will die, or that you’d be left in an ever worse state that you started, but still alive. “Are you sure?”

  “Read this.” She holds it out to me.

  I sit next to her and read her words. “Today was an accident,” I finally say.

  “Did you read the letter?”

  “Yes,” I respond calmly. “Theo would have never risked your grandmother’s life like that.” I point to the line and read, “You and Grams are the only ones,” and then “Tell Grandma goodbye.” He would not have risked her life in taking his own.

  Jackie sniffs. “You really think so.”

  “Yeah.” I fold up the letter and put it back in the envelope.

  “Then, when do you think he was going to do it?”

  I think I already have an idea, but who knows when he wrote the letter. “What were his plans tomorrow?”

  “Go into the mountains, time with his camera, in nature and to make peace…” She trails off and grabs the letter again. “He never said he was going to be at the meeting, just that he didn’t intend on being in bed with headaches.”

  “And, he was going to fly.” Theo was going to jump from a cliff. I know it in my gut and so does Jackie. The car accident was just that, an accident, even if we don’t know the why yet.

  Jackie leans into me, her head on my shoulder. “If I wouldn’t have lost him today. I would have tomorrow.”

  “Unless he changed his mind.”

  She shakes her head. “I think he was more determined than ever, now that I think back on breakfast. He’s more wiped out and depressed after the headaches and I think that’s what did it. He was done.”

  I pull her close. “I’m sorry, Jackie. I wish there was something I could say or do.”

  She glances at her watch. “There isn’t anything anyone can do right now, but I need to call the Red Cross.”

  “Are you still going to see if Tyler can come home?”

  “I’ll leave it up to him. Theo may not have wanted him to come, but I think Tyler is the one who needs to make that decision, don’t you?”

  Chapter Forty

  I slept, but I didn’t. What sleep I did get wasn’t good. But, every time I woke, Brett was right there beside me, his arms wrapped around me in a warm cocoon. Normally I can’t sleep touching anyone, but last night I really needed to have Brett exactly where he was. The man hasn’t left my side since I found the letter, except when I went into the bathroom, and it’s comforting to know I’m not alone. But I need a few moments to myself. Somehow I’ve got to prepare myself to see Grandma. We were to come back to the hospital at nine this morning and I’m dreading it.

  Has she been told? Do we need to tell her? Will she even remember what happened? Do I tell her or anyone about the letter? It was written to me and only me. Will the rest of my family decide that Theo did this on purpose when I know in my gut he didn’t. I’m kind of ashamed that I originally thought that too. Thank God Brett pointed out Theo’s wording. If Theo hadn’t had the accident yesterday, I would have been telling him goodbye today as he headed off into the mountains.

  I’d like to think I would have picked up on something and been able to stop him, but I might not have even been here. I thought he was fine and planned on spending the night with Brett. I would not have been here! He would have just driven off and today I would have gotten that visit from the police except this time Grandma would have been with me and who knows what that would have done to her heart.

  There’s the chance I would have found the letter when I got home from Brett’s but I’m lying to myself. I never went into Theo’s room unless he was sick so I wouldn’t have gone in today. I would have just gone about my business, happy as can be in Brett’s bed and then coming here, completely clueless of the fact that my brother was going to kill himself.

  I should have seen it. I should have caught on. Hell, I didn’t have a fucking clue until Brett became worried, and that was only because of what his mom had did.

  But, I’m Theo’s sister. We are close, even if a lot of conversations were one-sided and his participation was usually grunts. Except, until recently, when he had started talking. A lot more than we ever had. I just thought he was growing up or coming out of his shell, but that wasn’t it at all. He was preparing me or he’d already made the decision?

  When the hell did he decide to kill himself and write that letter? Yesterday? A week ago? Months ago. He’d thought about it for a year but when did he decide?

  A chill runs over me. When I started dating Brett, Theo wanted to make sure I was never alone and waiting until I had someone. Until I had Brett.

  If I wouldn’t have started dating him, then Theo would still be alive because I’d be alone.

  Jackie is gone when I wake up. Jumping out of bed I go searching for her. I don’t want her to be alone any more than necessary. Her sleep was troubled, when she did sleep and I barely got any myself. But, how long has she been up and why didn’t she wake me.

  She’s not anywhere in the house, and I don’t see her outside, or in her office. Her car is still here so I assume she has taken a walk. Maybe along the paths where Theo played as a kid. Didn’t she say he and his brothers used to build forts back there?

  I take the widest one that leads toward the stream, but never make it to the woods. She’s standing in the family cemetery, looking down at a headstone. Her parents’. Nobody is buried beside them and I assume this is where they will place Theo.

  “Remind me to ask the funeral home if they know of anyone who can dig the grave. Normal cemeteries have people for that, but not private ones and I remember grandma needing to hire someone.” Her voice is flat and it kind of worries me, but she’s got to still be processing everything. I know I went through a lot of emotions and stages from numbness to pain, crying and everything in between when mom died. Jackie is just starting the mourning process. A lot of times people just go through the motions and get things done. It isn’t until after the loved one is buried and the wake is over that the real mourning begins and reality sets in.

  I take her hand. “I will.”

  Damn, I wish I had vacation time. Someone needs to be here for her and her grandmother. Jackie can’t stay in this big house by herself, waiting for her grandmother to come home. At least I have today and tomorrow. I’ll even stay here, leaving early to get to work on time, and driving here after. It’s almost two and a
half hour round trip, but it’s better than me being in my house and Jackie all alone here.

  “We can see your grandmother in about an hour. Do you want to get something to eat first?”

  She just shakes her head. “Just a shower and change of clothes.”

  I don’t have anything to change into but I’ll wash up and hope the family doesn’t notice I’m wearing the same thing.

  My Aunt Helen is just coming to the door when we walk up. She’s carrying a bag and what looks like a casserole dish. “Here’s something for you to eat later,” she says.

  “Thanks.” Jackie takes it from her.

  Then my aunt hands me a bag. “Quinn didn’t think you’d be back to your place before Monday so he went and got some clothes and toiletries for you.”

  Uncle Quinn and Jackie are the only other people with a key to my house. “I appreciate that.”

  She stands there awkwardly for a moment. “Well, call if you need anything.”

  “Thank you, Mrs. O’Brien.”

  “Helen,” she corrects Jackie. “Please, call me Helen.”

  Jackie just nods and goes into the house. I bid my aunt goodbye and follow Jackie. She left the casserole on the kitchen table and then disappeared upstairs. I put it in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil and find another bathroom so I can wash up before taking her to the hospital.

  I wish I knew what was going on in Jackie’s head. It’s almost like she’s not even here. Like she’s disappeared somewhere inside herself and that worries me more than anything. If I don’t know what she’s thinking or feeling, how the hell am I supposed to help her?

  Chapter Forty-One

  My aunts and uncles are waiting to see Grandma when I arrive. “Does she know?” That is my biggest fear. Having to be the one who tells her.

  Aunt Cheryl nods. “The doctor told her this morning when she finally came out of the sedation and demanded to know about her grandson.”

  Is it bad that I’m glad someone else broke the news to her?

  “Since, she’s demanded that Theo’s neurologist come her and talk to her. She’s so agitated that none of us have been allowed to see her and they’ve called Theo’s doctor, hoping he can calm her.”

  “Why would she want to see Dr. Bud?”

  They just shrug.

  “Officer O’Brien has been waiting too. He needs her statement but Grandma won’t say anything until Dr. Bud is here.”

  At that moment, Dr. Bud steps off the elevator and comes over to us. He looks like he’s more dressed for golf than rounds at the hospital. He comes right over to me. “Jackie, I am so sorry about Theo.”

  “Thank you,” I mumble and wonder how many times I’m going to hear that over the next few days.

  “Your grandmother wants to see me?”

  “We don’t know why, but she won’t give a statement to the police until she talks to you.”

  Dr. Bud frowns. “Then, let’s go see her.”

  A nurse stops us as we head to grandmother’s room. “I’m sorry, only Officer O’Brien, Dr. Bud and one family member.”

  “Me.” This is my brother and my grandmother. The rest of my family can wait.

  Brett squeezes my hand. “I’ll be right here if you need me.”

  I just nod and follow Dr. Bud to my grandmother’s room.

  “What happened?” my grandmother demands of Dr. Bud as soon as we walk in. Her eyes are red and there are balled up tissues on her bed. She should have had someone in here with her when she got the news. Grams should not have been left alone. What harm could there have been to let at least one family member in here?

  “Why don’t you tell me what happened?” Dr. Bud says as he approaches her bed.

  “I don’t know. I’ve never seen Theo like that and I want to know why.”

  “Like what? Describe what happened and maybe I can tell you.”

  She takes a deep breath, her eyes filling with tears. I hurry to the other side of the bed and grab her hand in mine.

  “We were driving, like we always do and then a weird look came over his face, like he was confused and told me it tasted like he’d just eaten metal or pennies. A minute later he was talking gibberish. Nothing he said made any sense and I was asking him to pull over when his body just start convulsing. I yelled at him and tried to get to the steering wheel, but his hands were locked on it, but he wasn’t steering and drove right off the road at the curve, and that’s all I really remember.”

  Behind Dr. Bud, Officer O’Brien is writing in a little notebook.

  “It sounds like he had a seizure.”

  “Seizure? He’s never done that before,” my grandmother points out.

  “People have been known to develop seizures after head injuries like Theo’s. Sometimes they are right away and sometimes years down the road, and some never do. Nobody knows why.” He smiles sympathetically at here. “We don’t know and there is no way to predict a seizure until a person starts having them.”

  I sink into the chair beside Grandmother’s bed. A seizure is better than suicide, though it’s little comfort since Theo planned to end it all anyway. Even if not today, once he started having seizures, he would have gone ahead with it. It was bad enough living with the headaches, I can just imagine his reaction to having unpredictable seizures.

  “Is there any way to prove it was a seizure?” Officer O’Brien asks.

  “We can do an autopsy.”

  “You are not gutting my grandson’s head open,” Grandma barks.

  “But there is no guarantee it will tell us anything,” Dr. Bud continues. “But, the symptoms Mrs. Baxter described, metallic taste, confused speech and convulsions are all evidence of a seizure.”

  Officer O’Brien just nods.

  “I’ll talk to the medical examiner so they know to list that as the secondary cause of death.”

  “What’s the first?” I blurt out.

  “Blunt force trauma to the chest,” Office O’Brien supplies.

  “If he was having a seizure when the accident happened then he wouldn’t have known he was going to have an accident?” I ask.

  “If he wasn’t still in his seizure, he would have been passed out.”

  I’m not sure that is a comfort or not. At least when you know it’s about to happen you can make peace.

  Then again, hadn’t he already started making peace with death?

  For two days I haven’t left Jackie’s side. I haven’t said much of anything either. Just watched her and listened, looking for clues of what she might need, but she doesn’t seem to need much. Half the time I’m not even sure she’s aware I’m even there, though a few times she grabbed my hand. I’ll be whatever she needs me to be right now. She does have a huge family to support her, but they’re mourning too. Not like she is, but they’re worried about their grandmother and feeling the loss of Theo.

  Jackie kept her Saturday appointment and turned down offers from her aunts and uncles to go with her, taking only me to the funeral home, along with the clothing Theo wanted and the DVD or CD, he put together. Notes were taken for the obituary and she picked out a casket and then asked about someone to dig the private grave. And in all this she is practically lifeless. Her answers to questions are in monotone and her body language was almost robotic.

  I’m worried about her. A lot. Shutting down everything cannot be good. But, maybe it’s necessary. My dad did the same thing, now that I remember it. It’s shock. One foot in front of the other, get through and get things done. The fallout will come later. And, that’s what worries me. What if I’m not around when that happens? She’s going to need me more then than she does now.

  Mrs. Baxter had surgery yesterday, on Sunday, because they didn’t want to let the fracture go for too long and risk it start healing one its own and without the bones aligned. But, before she went in, she informed Jackie that she would not be at the funeral and to not hold it off because she was in the hospital.

  “I’ve already buried one son and I will not stand there an
d bury his son, my grandson. It’s not right.”

  I’m not sure if Jackie was relieved or not. She wants the funeral over and I think it’s for the best. Dragging this out would only be harder on her and everyone else.

  She’s spoken to the Red Cross twice. First to let them know what happened and that she needed to reach Tyler. When they called back, they informed her that he’d been told and would be on a plane, arriving on Wednesday. She thanked them and called the funeral home to set the visitation for Thursday and the funeral on Friday.

  Jackie has barely said anything to me. Or anyone for that matter. Ashley had been calling her for two days, leaving messages, before she finally called me. Like me, she’s worried about Jackie. I cannot even guess why Jackie didn’t talk to her best friend. This was not the time to be shutting everyone out. So, I called Ashley as we were leaving the hospital on Sunday and she was waiting at Jackie’s home when we arrived. Ashley also arranged to have the week off and since she works for Jackie’s uncle, it was easily approved. That solved one of my concerns. I hated that Jackie would be alone but I can’t miss work and keep my job, so here I am, up at five in the morning and after kissing Jackie goodbye, driving to Albany and hoping I don’t hit any traffic that will make me late.

  Still, I can’t help but feel she is shutting me out. I love her, she loves me, now should be the time where she leans on me, not pushes me away.