Godforsaken: Book 1 (Shade of Light)

by Suren Hakobyan

  “Don’t worry. I think she’s still with that guy,” Mike’s happy voice wandered around. “Come here,” he said, wrapping his arm behind her back, “I’ve missed you, baby.”

  “Yeah, me too darling,” Nancy replied with a slight grin. “But shouldn’t I call her, just to make sure everything is okay?” her voice became serious. “That guy could be a maniac.”

  “Oh, please,” Mike burst out in indignation, “I haven’t seen her with a guy, since…since…” he forced himself to remember. “I have never seen her with a guy.” His eyes widened with a jolt of surprise. “When was the last time she got laid?”

  “That’s none of your business,” Nancy put in sharply.

  “Years ago, I bet,” Mike went on, ignoring Nancy’s frown. “Don’t sweat it, darling. You have to let her have her fun. Shoot, you should do the same.”

  “You want me to go to that guy’s now?” she teased grinning broadly.

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” Mike roared. “I meant me–”

  “I know, honey, don’t get pissed. I just wanted you to get jealous.”

  “Geez…don’t play me like that, babe,” Mike said gruffly. “Nothing in this world would ever be as painful as imagining you with another guy.”

  “Oh, Mike, I’m sorry,” Nancy traced her finger over his face, her voice mournful, “I didn’t mean to hurt you–”

  “I know, baby. But, you know, it is like–” Mike stammered, “I’d rather die than see you with another guy.”

  For some seconds the room was swallowed up by silence, both them looking into each other’s eyes unblinkingly.

  “I’m really sorry, but I… Do you really love me that much?”

  “You can’t even imagine, baby,” Mike whispered in reply.

  “Oh, honey.” A tear ran down Nancy’s cheek. She raised her hand to wipe it away but Mike held it instead. His finger rose, caressed her cheek. He took her chin into his palm. He leaned forward slowly. Nancy held her breath for the moment his lips approached hers. The soft kiss lasted two seconds, then Mike rounded his arms around her waist and her feet kicked uselessly in the air. Nancy freed her lips from his and her loud laugh flooded the room.

  “Oh, Mike,” she whooped.

  “Let’s go to your room, baby,” he whispered with a quizzical smile. “I’ve got one more gift for you.”

  “I already know what your ‘one more gift’ is going to be,” Nancy rolled her eyes on him.

  “And?”

  “What are you waiting for? Take me there right away.”

  Mike whooped and started toward the door.

  “But, Mike,” she stopped him sounding worried, “Let’s call Lily first. She’s like my sister, I worry about her.”

  “Yeah, you do really look anxious.” Mike lowered her onto the floor gently. “If it makes you feel better, go call her. I’ll be waiting for you in your room.”

  Nancy winked at him playfully, then fished out her cell phone from her pocket and dialed Lily’s number.

  “I just want to be sure she’s okay,” Nancy said putting the phone on her ear. Mike said nothing, ruffling his hand through his hair and heading for Nancy’s bedroom. As the tones went on, the sound of a phone ringing started from Lily’s room. Mike stopped straining his ears. Nancy looked at the bedroom door, with an absent look. She paced toward it, still holding the phone to her right ear.

  She yanked the door open. In the darkness she saw the shape of Lily lying on the bed facedown. Nancy’s hand holding the phone slid down instinctively, she glanced back at Mike with anxious eyes and then strode into the room.

  “Hey, what’s going on in there?” Mike called after her. “Is she home?”

  Even in the darkness, Lily’s blonde hair seemed to be shining. She wasn’t asleep, she had heard Nancy come in, but hadn’t moved.

  “Lily, are you all right?” Nancy whispered worriedly.

  There was no answer, but she heard her friend weeping under her breath.

  “Lily, what’s going on?” She insisted, but still her friend acted as if she heard nothing. “Please, Lily, look at me, honey.”

  Finally Lily turned and moved her hands off her face reluctantly. Nancy couldn’t see her sad and bloodshot eyes, but she knew that they must be.

  “Baby, what’s going on in there?” Mike’s worried voice carried into the room.

  Nancy glanced back at the door and hurried back to stop Mike.

  “Nancy–”

  “Please, Mike, go home,” Nancy begged, pushing him out of Lily’s room. “She feels bad, I have to be with her now. She needs me.”

  “Is everything okay with her?” Mike asked.

  “I dunno,” Nancy peered into the room at her friend, then back at Mike, “You’d better leave now, okay?”

  “I see,” Mike sighed in disappointment. His eyes fell. “See you at collage, then?”

  “Yeah,” Nancy agreed.

  Mike pecked a quick kiss on her lips. “Hey, Lily,” he said over Nancy’s shoulder, “If that guy hurt you, I can smash his face in. Just let me know, okay?” Not getting an answer, he turned around, and set off toward the door.

  Nancy stared after Mike until the door closed behind him, then she went to Lily. For some seconds she just examined her, not daring to break the silence. Then, she sat down on the edge of the bed, slowly lowering her hand on Lily’s back. As Nancy touched her, Lily raised her head, and looked up at Nancy’s concerned face. Then, weeping loudly, she flung herself into her friend’s arms.

  “Oh, Lily, what’s happened to you, baby?” Nancy’s voice trembled as she hugged Lily, lowering her chin onto Lily’s head. “What did that guy do to you? Did he hurt you?”

  “No,” Lily murmured through her sobs. “He didn’t.”

  “You looked so happy when you were leaving with him. What happened after that?” Nancy asked.

  “I don’t know why I followed him at all,” Lily pulled herself into a sitting position. Now Nancy could clearly see that the skin beneath Lily’s blue eyes was swollen and red, although the room was only lit by the street lights out the window.

  *

  “I don’t–”

  “Nancy, I have never felt this way about anybody before,” Lily hissed desperately.

  “What do you mean?” Nancy asked looking confused. “How did you feel?”

  “He was like a wizard, like he put a spell on me. His smell, his hands, his face and those green eyes,” Lily remembered and felt her heart beat faster even now. “I couldn’t reject him. He had this power over me…I don’t know how to explain it, but he did.”

  “It’s my fault,” Nancy murmured suddenly, averting her eyes from Lily.

  “Your fault? What did you do? ” Lily frowned.

  “I shouldn’t have let you drink so much. You’re not used to alcohol,” Nancy looked up at her, tucking her hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry, I knew that but I didn’t–”

  “This isn’t your fault at all,” Lily broke in quickly. “I was really drunk, I won’t deny that. But the problem wasn’t the alcohol. I was drunk on his charm, do you get it? It’s so hard to describe what was happening to me there. I just–” Lily trailed off, searching for words, then sighed in disappointment. “I couldn’t control myself,” she resumed. “He controlled me; my body; my hands, my legs, even my mind.”

  The memories took Lily back into the man’s arms. Her stomach lurched, she closed her eyes and exhaled slowly. In the darkness behind her eyelids were his green eyes. He was still following her.

  Nancy remained sitting still in front of Lily, gazing at her as if she was petrified.

  “When I was alone with him,” Lily resumed, “I thought of nothing else but him, I forgot about everything. I longed for him, only him.” Tears started streaming out of her eyes again. Lily hid her face behind her hands, weeping soundlessly.

  “It’s not a bad thing to feel that way, Lily. You liked him and you wanted him,” Nancy desperately tried to soothe her. “It’s the way gir
ls feel towards guys.”

  “You don’t understand,” Lily interrupted. “I felt like a whore.” Lily lowered her hands to her sides and looked at her friend with a mournful air. “When we danced and when he drove me away from the club, we didn’t say anything to each other, you see? He kissed me and caressed me without saying anything. I was in his arms without knowing even his name. I still don’t know his name,” she realized plaintively.

  “What happened then?”

  “Finally, I realized what I was doing and came to my senses. Don’t ask me how I did it, I don’t know how myself. It just happened. I apologized and leaped out of the car–”

  “And he let you go that easily?” Nancy cut her off in surprise.

  “At first, yes,” Lily relived the moment she had been walking along the dark alley alone, leaving Samael in the car. “Then he drove by and asked me to get back into the car. He said that he would drop me at my home. That was the first time he spoke to me.”

  “He brought you home? He didn’t try to seduce you again?”

  “I didn’t get back into his car,” Lily replied honestly. “I dreaded being alone with him any longer. I knew if he tried to…take me again, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from letting him have me.”

  Nancy’s eyes widened. She took Lily’s hand into hers.

  “He left you alone and drove away?” she asked, startled.

  “Luckily for me, there was a taxi nearby.” She couldn’t force herself to recall the moment she had got into the taxi. She had been trapped in her thoughts at that moment.

  “You know, when you were dancing with him, I felt very happy for you,” Nancy said. “He was really cute, indeed. Honestly, even I was a little bit tempted. Thank God Mike didn’t notice.” Nancy heaved a silent sigh. “The hot guys like him are always trouble in the end.”

  “He had a special attraction,” Lily added suspiciously. “He had all my favorite things–his scent, his look, his gaze, his eyes. Like he was my favorite drink, he was my drug and…you know, I bet he knew that.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He’s probably done this to a lot of girls,” Lily explained swiftly. “I guess he didn’t expect me to refuse him.”

  “How could you know that? Did he tell you anything?”

  “No, but I could feel that it was true. When I got out of the car, he just sat there, like he was stunned. When he realized what had happened, he drove after me.”

  “You think you were only a game to him?” Nancy said tactlessly.

  “Just a game…yes, you can say that,” Lily looked down at her hands.

  They remained sitting in silence – Nancy trying to find the right words to say to her friend, Lily’s thoughts once more flying back to that gloomy alley.

  “You should just forget about him, Lily,” Nancy broke the heavy silence. “He isn’t worthy of someone as beautiful as you.”

  “He’s had plenty of women more beautiful than me, no doubt,” Lily teased with a sarcastic smile.

  “More beautiful?” Nancy’s voice grew louder. “You really don’t realize it, do you? Look in the mirror. He’d have to wander the whole world to find such a beautiful and clever girl as you,” Nancy allowed herself a thin grin as her words made Lily smile shyly. “There is no other you on earth.”

  “Oh, Nancy,” Lily said with a weak smile, “What would I do without you?”

  “You’d cry until the morning and go to class with red eyes,” Nancy laughed and took Lily in her arms. “Come here, honey. Put him out of your head. Immediately. I’ve known loads of bastards like that. There are a lot of them, but you’ll find someone like Mike one day.”

  “Good thinking. You’re so lucky to have Mike,” Lily muttered plaintively in reply. “He’s really a good guy, and he loves you. Don’t let him get away, ever.”

  “I know. I love him, too,” Nancy said honestly with shining eyes. “But don’t worry, you’ll find yours one day.”

  “I hope it’s sooner than later.” Lily closed her eyes tightly.

  Never before had they talked so much about Nancy and Mike’s relationship. Lily had to admit that every so often she envied her friend for having such a handsome and kind guy as Mike. Lily knew that it was love that tied those two together.

  She herself had never met another guy like Mike in real life. At least, not in college. She rarely went anywhere else – the club tonight was an exception to her rule. So she had expected her prince to come from college. But instead, she had found him in her dreams.

  Sitting motionless for a while, Lily finally spoke, her voice low and drowsy, “I’m sorry I have spoiled your night.”

  “Forget it,” Nancy said back quickly.

  “I heard you and Mike coming home. You sounded so happy, and I was just sitting quietly in my room,” Lily went on. “I didn’t want to bother you, since it’s your birthday, I wanted you to enjoy it–”

  “Please, Lily, shut up,” Nancy cut her off. “If you heard us, you probably heard me worrying about you. You’re like a sister to me, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the evening at all if I thought something bad had happened to you.”

  “I did hear you, and I want to thank you for it. Sister,” Lily’s hug became tighter around her friend, “I love you.”

  “I love you, too,” Nancy said.

  *

  Only Samael’s car was alive on the dead street, swallowed up by the gloom. The headlights were struggling against the darkness. Samael sat in the car, gawking unblinkingly out through the windshield like a statue. The engine was still roaring, its harsh voice breaking the silence of the street. The radio’s low music flooded the car, but Samael wasn’t listening.

  He couldn’t tell how long he had been sitting like this, maybe an hour or more, but finally the raindrops hitting the windshield brought him back. He blinked at last, lifted his hands, and rested them on the steering wheel. The next moment, Samael hit the gas pedal, and the car started off with a loud screech.

  Something had changed in Samael since Lily had left him alone. What it was Samael didn’t know yet, but the creature sitting before the steering wheel had still recognized the changes deep inside his chest. But what could Lily possibly change in him?

  The car picked up speed. For twenty minutes, Samael rushed through New York like a bullet. Finally, he came to a stop in front of a little church. No lights were on to illuminate it, and it almost seemed to merge with the darkness, where it stood beneath the blackened clouds.

  Samael got out into the drizzle, slamming the door shut, and looked up into the dark sky. Stray drops found their way onto his face. Samael stretched his arms out wide, like he trying to embrace them. He stood beside the car about a minute, peering into the dark sky as though demanding an explanation from God for the changes in him. Nonetheless, no answer came from the Creature. Samael tilted his head, lowering his hands to his sides, and started forward to the church purposefully, splashing through puddles.

  The main gates opened by themselves as if the church had been waiting for him. Samael slid in and the gates shut after him in the same independent way.

  The inside was quiet, the sound of the rain outside dying away, and nothing could be heard but Samael’s footsteps, growing closer and closer toward the altar. The hazy hall was illuminated by a blue light coming from the floor – no lamps, no candles, just light from nowhere. He purposefully crossed the hall along the aisle between the empty pews, and finally reached the altar. Raindrops dripped down to the marble floor from his long, drenched hair.

  Absolute quiet fell as he halted, even Samael’s breath was inaudible. It seemed like the walls of the monastery absorbed every noise. His widened green eyes sought out and found a large picture of Christ mounted on the wall in front of him. Samael examined it suspiciously and carefully, as though looking for hidden secrets.

  “Samael.” A kind voice broke the silence from behind. Samael himself didn’t move or even blink in reply. He stood frozen in place, until the man calling out to him
walked across the hall and came to a stop next to him.

  “What has brought you here at this late hour?” The newcomer asked, admiring the same picture Samael was staring at.

  Samael turned to face him. Standing next to Samael was a monk as tall as he was, with blonde, curly hair scattered upon his shoulders. His hands were hidden under his black cassock. Though there was no smile on his face, Samael sensed the expression in his kindly, light brown eyes.

  “I daresay you’re the only one who is happy to see me nowadays,” Samael said seriously.

  “I’m happy to see everyone who crosses these gates, my brother.” The monk agreed in a cheerful voice. “But I’m guessing you are not happy at all.”

  “Happiness is unfamiliar to me, you know that,” Samael said, averting his eyes from the monk. He glanced somberly at the picture anew, then looked down at the floor.

  “We often think that feelings are unfamiliar for us, but we’re mistaken,” the monk responded quietly, stepping forward to the candle on the altar. Giving his hand a light wave, the candle lit itself and its yellow flame illuminated both of them. “There were several of us that thought like you once – but what do you think? What do they struggle for now?”

  Samael didn’t answer the monk. He remained looking down dumbly at his hand where he had thrust it into his trousers’ pocket.

  “Maybe a glass of red wine will open your soul and you’ll spill out what has brought you to me, Samael?” the monk went on as soon as he realized that Samael wasn’t planning on replying.

  “I wonder,” Samael said, ignoring the offer, “whether there might be anybody able to fight my power?”

  “There might well be, Samael.” The monk’s face split into a shallow smile. “That’s why life is so wonderful.”

  “It’s boring,” Samael contested rapidly. He peered up at the monk, his eyes slightly glittering in the candle light. “What kind of beauty can you see in this world, Raphael? I live the same way every day, I receive the same questions every damn day.”

  “You’ve been watching all this time and yet you haven’t conceived of anything that could make you happy.”

  “If you have conceived the answers, what have you changed?” Samael’s voice sounded through the empty room. He dramatically lifted one hand into the air. “You have achieved nothing but war,” he announced. “Nothing,” he repeated confidently. “That’s why He chose me to keep the gates, Raphael.”