by Matt Juhl
Kitty put her finger on the tip of her nose and lifted it in the air. “Well, excuse me for asking,” she joked. "I’ll go grab Faye.”
“Thanks.”
Kitty bent down and shuffled through the tiny refrigerator. “Here's a pop. And I don’t care how upset you are, you’ve still gotta eat. I’m fixing you something whether you like it or not.” She disappeared into the grimy kitchen.
Harper stirred the neon-colored straw and watched the ice cubes dance around the tall glass. They were frozen together, holding onto each other with frantic intensity, despite the acidic force that sought to tear them apart. Either she was completely over analyzing her beverage, or she was feeling incredibly guilty about abandoning Nik.
One thing was for certain—she missed him.
"Hey, sugar. What are you doing here?" Faye asked. The woman looked a total mess, between her horribly stained apron and her frizzy hair falling out of a sloppy ponytail.
Kitty eagerly stood beside Faye, eavesdropping as usual.
"I need to talk. You got a minute?”
“Sure, what’s going on?”
Harper glared at Kitty. “Would it be okay if we went outside to talk? It’s kinda private.”
“Sure.” Faye shrugged. “I’ll meet you out there in just a second.”
While waiting for Faye, Harper collapsed on a wooden bench, watching the breathtaking sunset. Countless warm shades of orange and purple harmoniously intertwined and echoed beautifully off the churning water. Normally she would have admired it from the lighthouse with Nik. Watching it alone felt empty.
"All right, sugar, what's going on?" Faye asked as she sat beside Harper.
“I’ve got a lot on my mind.” She took a deep breath and carefully contemplated her words. "Auntie, what's the scariest thing that's ever happened to you?"
“Big questions tonight, huh?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
Faye scratched her chin and thought for a moment. “Probably when Mary left me. We were together ten years, so I figured we’d be together forever. Then I woke up one morning and the devil was gone. Not only did she leave, but she took almost everything we owned. There was no explanation, not so much as a note. Sure, we had our ups and downs, but nothing unusual. I spent a lot of time blaming myself for my mistakes, wondering what I could’ve done differently to make her stay.”
"I never knew all that.”
“You didn’t need to.”
Harper agreed. It only tarnished the memory of her Aunt Mary. “Did you ever try to find her?”
“I did for a while, but then I came to the realization that she didn’t want me. That’s the part that hurt the most. I didn’t know how I’d ever move on without her, but I came to terms with it.”
"Do you feel like you wasted your time with her?”
"If you asked me a few years ago, I'd probably say yeah, especially since nobody wanted us to be together. You never knew this, but Mary was sort of a party animal, a lot like Kitty, but even crazier.”
“She sounds like Mama, too.”
Faye bowed her head. “Between the three of them, I had a lot of migraines. Looking back on all that, I think I'm a better person for having Mary in my life. Hopefully she feels the same way about me. I think we learned a lot from each other in the time we were in a relationship. As much as I hate to admit it, we made some great memories.”
"But y’all had bad ones too, right?"
"Yeah, but who wants to think about that crap? I sure as hell don't. All we're here to do in this life is make memories for others to remember us by. So I choose to think about the better times I spent with Mary. And by doing that, I hope that's how people will think of me someday after I'm gone. Is that along the lines of what you were asking?"
"Yeah, sort of.”
“I see.” Faye tilted her head to the side. She knew her niece too well. "So are you gonna be straight with me or what?"
"What do you mean?"
“Who are we really talking about?”
“Aunt Mary, I thought.”
"You’re a dirty rotten liar, sugar. I’m waiting for you to say his name.”
“Whose?”
“Nik’s.”
Harper's heart almost fell out of her mouth, caught completely off guard. "Auntie, don't be ridiculous."
"Don’t play me, unless you really think I’m an idiot.”
“What are you gettin’ at?”
"I've always noticed the way you've looked at boys. Then all of a sudden this Nik guy comes along, and you’re with him day and night.” Faye sat up straight and smiled. “No matter how hard you try to hide it from your mama and me, I can tell he makes you happy. So let’s cut the bullshit…I know you like him."
Completely flustered, Harper’s mouth dropped. She was speechless.
"Can't say I'm wrong, can you?"
“No, that ain’t true, well maybe. I don't know, Auntie. This is weird to talk about."
"I've known you since you were born. It ain’t weird, just a little uncomfortable, but you'll probably feel better if you get it out. C’mon, ain’t that why you're really here?"
Harper bit her bottom lip, a terrible habit she’d acquired as a child. Then she nervously answered, "Maybe."
"Maybe, well that’s a start. So you like him. What's the problem?"
"Everything, Auntie, it's all confusin’. I don't know how I should be feelin’."
"What do you mean?"
"There's a part of me that finds him attractive, but I know it's wrong and I shouldn't like him, so I told Nik it’s better if we stopped spendin’ time together. Now it’s been almost a week since I’ve seen him.”
“And you’re missing him, ain’t you?”
“A little, yeah.”
"I don’t get it. Why can’t you like a boy?”
"It ain’t right. That’s what everyone says. We've already had bullies pickin’ on us and everything just ‘cause we’re straight. I feel like the longer we try bein’ together, the more dangerous it’s gonna get. It’s real hard for me to admit ‘cause you know I ain’t afraid of nothin’, but right now, I'm scared as hell."
"I see what you’re getting at.” Faye put her arm around Harper’s shoulders. “Look, if I tell you something, you promise you'll listen?”
"’Course.”
"People are always gonna tell you what's right and wrong according to what they think, but you need to believe in yourself and do what feels right for you.”
“How do I know what’s right for me?”
“You have to trust your instincts. That’s not always easy ‘cause it is beaten into people’s heads that they have to live a certain way—like if you don't marry someone of the same sex, have children, and find the perfect career, your life won’t be perfect. The God honest truth is that’s a load of crap. Harper, you’re straight, and there ain’t nothing wrong with that. You need to be yourself, no matter what the consequences are.”
“That’s hard, ‘cause it seems like everyone around here hates straight people.”
“That ain’t true.”
“I haven’t met anyone who doesn’t.”
“Sure you have. I don’t hate ‘em, and there are many others who don’t.”
Harper frowned. “I just don’t know why some people have to be so nasty about it.”
“Like I said, part of it has to do with how they’re raised. Sometimes it’s their personal feelings and sometimes it’s their ignorance, but what other people think about you shouldn’t matter. You need to live for yourself and treat people with kindness. Until you’re able to do that, you'll never be happy.”
“I guess.”
“Life’s real short, sugar, and before you know it, you’ll blink and it’ll be over. So ask yourself, what kind of life do you wanna live, one where you’re miserable, or one where you get what you really want? And how do you want people to remember you after you’re gone?”
Harper agreed. “You’re probably right, Auntie.”
“But you
’ve got some more thinking to do, huh?”
“More than you know,” she admitted.
“It’s your life, Harper. But whatever you do, I wouldn’t take too long to think about it. Nik’s not gonna wait forever. The good ones never do.”
Harper rested her head on her aunt’s lap. She desperately wanted to trust in Faye’s words, but the reluctance lingered like some awful infection poisoning her body from the inside out.
She closed her eyes as tightly as she could and wished that it’d all go away. She wanted to be her former self again, the girl who didn’t care about love or men, but Harper wasn’t a fool. She knew her wish was unrealistic. From that moment on, she realized her feelings couldn’t be ignored. It was too late to change who she was. And like it or not, nothing in her life would ever be the same again.
SIX
Chilling rain fell steadily against the window. Its melancholy song gently tapped across the glass and woke Harper from a light sleep, reminding her of her solitude. She was so depressed that she didn’t care that her birthday was only one day away.
Harper sauntered to her pastel pink chair and faced the vanity mirror. Poor thing, she thought while staring at her reflection. She felt pathetic, heartbroken, and consumed with fear.
Insecurities haunted her like never before. Studying each flaw, Harper wondered if she’d wake the following morning magically transformed into the epitome of perfection, absolved of her poor choices and emancipated from her doubts.
She squeezed her breasts together and puckered her lips, trying to see her potential as a woman. After a few moments, she surrendered and let her chest fall back to its inadequacy. She had no idea what Nik saw in her.
Again, Nik. He was on her mind incessantly. It was maddening. No matter what she did, he found someway to be at the forefront of her thoughts.
It was time to clear her head.
Harper slipped out of her pajamas into a fuchsia jumper and matching sandals. As she reached for her white belt to fasten over it, she noticed her necklace lying beside her hair brush.
It was a sterling silver chain with a heart-shaped locket that Mindi bought for Harper on her sixteenth birthday. Although it wasn’t extravagant by any means, it was the only thoughtful thing Mindi ever gave her.
Harper carefully draped it around her bare neck. She ran her fingers across it and admired the way it caught the light, glimmering against her chest. There was something haunting about it that left her entranced. The feeling couldn’t be ignored, but she decided to wear it anyway.
She feverishly hunted through the mountains of clothes across her bedroom floor, searching for her jacket, but the only thing she found was Nik's bright-yellow hoodie.
The delicious after scent of his cologne was embedded in the fabric, clinging on with intensity, equivalent to the desire burning inside her soul for him.
The slightest trace of Nik’s enticing masculinity made her knees buckle and her body grow inexplicably weak. It renewed her hunger for him, causing her stomach to ache like it’d been pounded with a sledgehammer.
Against her better judgment, Harper threw it into her oversized purse and left her bedroom.
"Happy bird-day, Pookie Wookie." Mindi’s disheveled hair covered her face as she stumbled to her feet, throwing her arms around Harper. She struggled to maintain her composure, along with any lingering shred of sobriety.
"Thanks, Mama, but it ain’t ‘til tomorrow.”
"No it ain’t.”
“Yeah, it is.”
Mindi wiped her mouth and threw her hands over her head. “Well ain’t nothin’ wrong with bein’ early, is there? At least I never forget.”
"’Course not,” Harper lied. It’d happened twice before.
"I was plannin’ to get you somethin’, but I’ve lost my head lately. I just didn't get a chance."
Aside from the necklace, she imagined the usual dollar store present from Mindi and huffed. "That's fine. I don't need anything. I ain’t a little girl."
"What kind of mama would I be if forgot ‘bout my baby?" Mindi stubbed her knee against the table while reaching for her purse. Then she emptied it across the coffee table and shuffled through its contents. "Here ya go darlin', celebrate early." Mindi shoved the crumbled bill into her pocket.
“No, Mama.”
“For Christ’s sake, just hurry up and take it. I’ve got a jillion things to do before work."
Harper turned her back from Mindi, and muttered, “You’re actually goin’ to work?"
"Of course, darlin’.”
"Really?"
Mindi threw her hand on her hip. "Why do ya sound so damn surprised? I’m always workin’.”
“We ain’t goin’ there now.”
“What are you sayin’?”
Harper folded her arms. “C’mon, we both know that ain’t true.”
“Yeah it is.”
“Mama, you’re lyin’.”
“Don’t sass-talk me, girl. You seem to forget that I’m in charge ‘round here.”
"You’re gonna screw us over again.”
"I don’t see why I gotta deal with this shit every day. It’s bad enough I gotta take it from Faye, but I ain’t takin’ it from my kid too."
"Fine, forget it.”
"I don’t know what’s gotten into you. Just ‘cause you’re gonna be eighteen you think you know everything now?”
"I didn't say that."
"Yeah, but that's what you're thinkin’, ain't it?”
"You want everyone to believe you’re a saint, but you can’t fool me. I know you’ve been shootin’ up.”
“You’re a damn liar!” she roared.
Harper grabbed Mindi by the wrists. “Really, Mama, look at your frickin’ arms and all those fresh marks.”
“These ain’t fresh—”
“I’m so sick of this. I’ve spent half my life in a car movin’ from Louisiana to Michigan ‘cause of you. I’ve paid for every one of your mistakes, but I’ve always kept my mouth shut ‘til now. I’m done. If you mess this up, I swear I’ll never forgive you. My life’s here, and I ain’t about to give that up for anything. I’d rather die than move back to Fire Brush with you.”
"I ought to wear you out, girl, speakin’ to me like that.”
"Why, ‘cause I’m tellin’ the truth?”
"No, ‘cause you’re so damn disrespectful I can’t stand it.”
"But the way you treat Auntie is respectful?”
"You think she’s perfect, don’t ya? Well you ain’t seen how nasty she can be. Faye’s always been lookin’ down her nose at me.”
“All she’s tried to do is help, but you’re too selfish to see that.”
“Don't go talkin’ 'bout things between Faye and me. That ain’t any of your damn business.”
“I’ve lived and breathed the drama between y’all my entire life. Don’t try tellin’ me that it ain’t my business.”
Mindi gasped. “Y’all just love makin’ up stories ‘bout how awful I am, don’t ya?”
“Oh please, your reputation speaks for itself. Why don't you actually go to work instead of lyin’ about it? Maybe you could really pitch in around here, so I don’t have to keep coverin’ for you with Auntie. The only person you're convincin’ is yourself.”
“Girl, you’ve got it all wrong—”
“Aren’t you tired of lyin’ to everyone? I have to hear it every day and I’m exhausted, but I can’t even imagine how wore out you’ve gotta be from tryin’ to keep all those lies straight in your head.”
Mindi pursed her lips together and looked down at her feet. “I’m doin’ the best I can. I wish y’all could see that, but you don’t. It’d be nice if someone believed me.”
Harper groaned.
“And for the last time, I ain’t skippin’ work. I swear to God, himself.”
She rolled her eyes again. “You’re impossible. I ain’t listenin’ anymore.”
“Well fine, get the hell out. I don’t need you hangin’ around here, makin’
me feel like shit.” Mindi's face immediately grew expressionless. She sunk into the chair and began fishing around for her cigarettes.
“Bye Mama.” Harper threw her pink bag over her shoulder and stormed out of the house.
The chilling wetness of the rain cooled Harper’s fuming skin as if to extinguish the burning fire of her boiling flesh. No one could set her off more than Mindi.
Harper trudged down Hunter Road and passed the Old Winter Cemetery, sifting through her pocket with one hand while holding Nik's hoodie over her head. She tried to keep dry while searching for the cash from Mindi.
She straightened out the crinkled bill and held it to the gray sky.
“Damn!” she shouted in disbelief.
Mindi, in her drunkenness, inadvertently handed Harper a one hundred dollar bill.
She considered returning the money until the disastrous image of Mindi, wasting it on another bender, eclipsed her morality.
Instead, she decided to do something she’d been thinking about since the night of the carnival, something that may help make sense of her confusion. She decided she was going to have a reading with the psychic.
Harper made her way there in no time. As she stood on the property line of Brielle's historic home, her blood ran cold. It was as if her feet were planted in cement, stopping dead in her tracks.
The rain began to fall heavier. Her wet hair blew in the wind while she slowly whispered the words on a weathered sign that read: ‘Alvarado House, Est. 1891.’
Every window of the tall, Victorian-style home was covered in black bars with heavy curtains drawn. Two ominous gargoyle statues sat at opposite ends of the high-pointed rooftop. They appeared to be staring at Harper as if they were about to swoop down and attack.
As she approached, apprehension slithered through her body, thick as the distinct smell of soaked wood emanating from the foreboding forest behind the estate. Her body was completely drenched and her heartbeat slowly strummed with her uneven breaths.
The front doorsteps were battered and the gray paint had mostly chipped away. The porch itself was wide and long, stretching around the corner of the house. It was nearly empty, aside from two old wooden rocking chairs that slowly swayed with the breeze.