by Hazel Keys
I went expecting a little bit of a boring evening, to be honest. Meeting a girl’s family…well, it’s usually not my cup of tea. And since this wasn’t really a date, I really didn’t know how to act.
“So Stephanie,” Cammie said, eying us both in suspicion. “I really have to say…I didn’t picture you with this type of date. In fact, I don’t believe it.”
“Hey, come on,” I said, standing up for Stephanie. “Don’t tease her. If she’s got something to tell you let her tell you when SHE wants to tell you.”
Stephanie flinched and muttered. “Jake, it’s cool. Just chill.”
“I mean think about how she feels,” I said, feeling righteous indignation. “Half of the world hates her. Just because she wants to be who she wants to be!Just because they don’t understand. All she wants is the freedom to love who she wants.”
“Half of the world hates you, Stephanie?” Connor chuckled. “Good going.”
“Well yeah,” I said. “I mean a lot of people have a problem with what she does.”
Cammie nodded. “I have a problem with what she does. Dressing like a homeless person does tend to provoke people.”
“She doesn’t do that!” I said, getting miffed. “She just dresses, you know, for her type.”
“And you like her type?” Cammie said suspiciously. “You’re attracted to butch women?”
“Well no, butch doesn’t do it for me…”
“So why are you here?”
“Because Stephanie needs a friend!” I said boldly, taking Stephanie into my arms. “Friends look out for each other. Always. Even when family doesn’t.”
“What? Are you saying you’re her ‘friend’?”
“Yes, yes, that’s what he’s saying,” Stephanie said nervously. “He’s my special friend. You know…my special friend.”
Everyone looked confused…including me.
“No, Stephanie,” I replied. “You make it sound like I’m mentally challenged. Don’t use the word ‘special’. I’m just saying, I’m her friend. That’s all you need to know. She has something to say to you and I think we should all be supportive.”
“Wait a minute,” Connor said. “Are you telling me that you’re…gay?”
“What do you think?” I said, thinking Connor finally got the point.
“Oh…okay. I get it now. I admit, Jake, I do have gay-dar and you were definitely making some noise.”
“Yeah…wait, what?”
“Ohh, I see,” Cammie said. “Well I think it’s great, Jake. And I’m glad you’re coming out and being true to yourself.”
“Yeah,” Connor said. “It’s not a choice. I support you, brother.”
I dropped my mouth open in confusion. “What? You think I am…”
“It doesn’t matter!” Stephanie said nervously, slapping me on the back. “It doesn’t matter who’s gay or straight. Guys, I didn’t come here for a big announcement. I just came here to say hi. And Jake was headed in the same direction. So there you go. We’re just chilling. No announcement to make.”
“Yeah…” I said hesitantly. “We’re just friends.”
“Oh, I see,” Cammie said. “So we’re in denial.”
I sighed and pointed my finger. “Stephanie is not in denial. She knows what she wants. It just so happens she doesn’t want a handsome, charming man. And what’s wrong with that?”
“Oh I definitely agree that you’re not handsome or charming,” Cammie said, giving me a snarky look.
“Yes I am!” I corrected. “I happen to be very…you know, hot. If I say so myself.”
Cammie raised her brow and smiled in sarcasm. “You have a dad-bod if you ask me.”
“We’re talking about Stephanie!” I reminded them. “She’s my friend and you two need to be a little more supportive. That’s all I’m saying.”
“Supportive of what exactly?” Cammie said. “Of wearing giant t-shirts and sweat pants? Is that a movement now?” Cammie sneered and started getting pissy. “Because if you ask me, people who wear sweatpants out in public should be thrown in jail!”
Stephanie was laughing by now, but still red-faced. Poor kid was embarrassed. I’m sure she didn’t want to come out this way.
“All right Jake, Connor, Cammie,” Stephanie said. “Let’s just agree to disagree, shall we?”
“I don’t even know what the hell we’re disagreeing about!” Connor said.
“You two just remember,” I said pointing my fingers and talking all big like Joe Pesci in his prime. “You only get one sister in life. You should treat her kindly. You should treat her with respect. I mean come on. Who cares what people do in bed together? It’s nothing. Lasts like five minutes.”
Cammie raises her brow again.
“Well, in my case a lot longer! I’m just saying…using a metaphor! I mean, Stephanie probably can get it done in five minute. She has fingers like a power drill! Er…at least that’s what I heard. I didn’t uh…find out first hand.”
“Who is Jake again?” Connor asked in confusion.
“I have no idea what these two perverts are talking about,” Cammie said.
“Yeah of course not, because you’re ignorant!” I replied. “Come on, Stephanie. Let’s go both go down to the bar and pick up some chicks.”
Connor and Cammie stared at each other.
“All right! That’s great, thanks honey!” Stephanie shooed me outside and we left. I looked back in confusion. That seemed to be the mood that evening.
She turned to her kin and gave one last goodbye. “Sorry…I’ll explain everything later.”
As we walked away, I shook my head and sighed. “You know you don’t need their approval.”
“Jake…I think you’re a little confused. My brother and sister…uh, they know I’m gay. They’re totally on board. Okay?”
“Oh…I see. So what the hell were we talking about?”
“I don’t know. I think something got lost in the translation.”
“Whatever…” I said, still not quite getting what just happened.
“But it’s still really cool that you would stick up for me like that. You know if I were…uh…I mean, if you know.”
“Well yeah, we’re best buds, Stephanie. Don’t ever forget that.”
I smiled at Stephanie.
“Now if you’ll excuse me,” I said with a grin. “I’m going to go find a date.”
Stephanie frowned.
What is up with her today? I thought to myself, shaking off the weird vibes.
**
Now this is where things went from weird to total disaster. The more I think about it, I’m pretty sure Stephanie was having some kind of mental breakdown. I mean she went from my super cool lesbian friend to this weird mother-type that just wanted to control my life.
I still am not sure what happened but it started on the beach. I was talking to some two cute girls trying to start up a conversation. I was feeling good and they were laughing…
And then all of a sudden Stephanie comes down to the beach wearing shorts and a shirt. When she finally got down and looked me in the eye, I swear, her expression looked like jealousy. She was sending me a pissy face and dueling me for a reaction. What the hell?!
“Hey,” Stephanie said to my two ladies. “You girls want to come back to my place and party?”
“What?”
“Steph…what are you…” I shook my head in disbelief.
“Come on. Men always disappoint. But a woman really knows how to get down. Boogie, boogie. You feel me?”
“Ummm…I’m not gay!” said the one on the left. I didn’t even get their names before Stephanie came down and invaded my turf!
“Me either,” said the other girl.
“Oh that’s what they all say,” Stephanie said, smiling and acting a bit like a drunk man herself. I’m no expert at lesbian dating, but I’m pretty damn sure that’s not how you do it!
The girls left and didn’t even give me a goodbye glance. Stephanie intentionally ruined my d
ate! I was beside myself. Where was all this coming from? Since when was Stephanie a cock block? Was she aching for attention or did she just totally suck at meeting hot girls?
No wonder the kid was depressed! She obviously needed a few lessons in trying to attract the same sex.
“You’re ruining my trip!” I said to her. We argued all the way back to the condo. We had talked about sharing the two bedroom unit but at this rate, I was starting to think maybe two separate rooms was a better idea.
“Sorry!” she said, still not comprehending why she was being such a troll. “I thought I was helping you.”
“I don’t need any help, Steph! I think maybe you need some help. AND some therapy.”
“Ohhh do you hate me?” she said with a sad face.
I rolled my eyes. “I don’t hate you, darling, but can we agree on some ground rules? I don’t butt into your love life, you don’t butt into mine? Deal?”
“Okay, got it. I think I was just bored. And it was definitely uncool of me to try and steal you away from your conquests for the night.”
“Conquests? Get the hell out of here!” I said with a snicker.
“So go. I promise I won’t interrupt you again.”
“Ehh,” I said, glancing at my watch. “It’s late…I’ll just try again tomorrow.”
“Aww,” she said. “I’m the most terrible friend, I know.”
“Nah, it’s fine. You’re just still shaken up from the plane probably. It’s okay.”
“So now what?”
“I guess we go back to the condo. You still want that extra room?”
“We can share,” Stephanie said, combing her hair.
“Yeah…I guess. No sense wasting the money. Just to warn you though, I’m watching a Sopranos marathon. I get a little jumpy when I’m watching.”
“No problem, I will not speak during the sacred TV marathon. Promise.”
“All right…why not. Sure beats being alone anyway. I always hate the beach at night, you know…”
I look into Stephanie’s eyes, so attentive and yet so far away. I swear to God I can’t figure her out. “It’s too quiet.”
So Stephanie and I chilled as neighbors, as friends, as two people who just happened to be on vacation. I was surprised at how chill she was when she wasn’t freaking out about death, or trying to steal my date away. She actually just showed me her true personality…her laidback tomboy self.
I smiled as I watched her watch the TV, every bit as interested in my favorite show as I was. Stephanie was such a great girl, gay or straight. She would be a catch for anybody. Anyone would be lucky to have her.
As I watched her there, enjoying herself and every bit as happy to be in a room full of noise as I was, I kept thinking:
Now if only I could meet a girl like Stephanie. Someone who loves talking.Loves chilling, sitting back and watching a movie. Loves goofing off and giving me shit when things get boring. Someone who hates quiet nights.Just some one…cool. Someone fun.
And yeah, of course, someone who loves sex! So I just need to meet a girl like Stephanie, but who loves the hot dog, not the taco. I guess that’s just too much to ask.
Hmmm. Can a lesbian have sex with a man? Guess it’s not a polite thing to ask.
I sucked on my half-empty beer bottle and smiled at Steph who was calmer and more tranquil than I had ever seen her.
Chapter 4: Stephanie
I had to go and apologize to Cammie for the disastrous first meeting. That’s not how I wanted it to go…I totally forgot that Jake thought I was gay. I figured confusing my brother and sister was still less of a risk-embarrassment than letting Jake know the terrible truth. The truth that I’m as straight as an arrow and when I’m near him—ever since the airport—I get a little weak at the knees.
“Ohhh,” Cammie said with a smirk. “Well that makes a lot more sense. So he thinks you’re a lesbian.I can see why the poor lad was confused.”
“There’s more…” I said with a reluctant frown. “I like him. Like…really like him.”
“So?” Cammie covered her mouth, realizing the implication. “Oh! You mean you like him…and he thinks you’re gay.”
“Yeah…and I’ve been dressing butch for like…five years. I mean, I still get dressed up sometimes…but…he never sees me. He’s never seen me outside of this persona.”
“But isn’t this the real you?”
“I don’t really know, to be honest,” I said. “All I know is…ever since we got here, my feelings for him have been out of control. He’s all I think about as I go to sleep. And when I wake up…I just feel him on me.”
“Yeah honey,” Cammie said, shaking her head. “He definitely doesn’t know you feel that way. That dude was clueless.”
“So what do I do? Do I tell him the truth?”
“Hmmm…you could, but I really think you need to…you know, impress him a little. Dress up. Put makeup on. Be a little more of a girl, rather than a lesbian magnet.”
“Oh god, but he’s never seen me that way!”
“Trust me, men are very easy to impress. If he sees you all dressed up and not looking like a tomboy—or like Huckleberry Finn with a vagina!—he’s going to feel something.”
“You really think so?”
“Of course. Honey, you got my face…you just have different hair and a horrible sense of fashion. I’ll choose your wardrobe. Phase two is knock Jake’s socks off! Operation: Seduction!”
**
I showed up to the bar looking and feeling like a brand new woman. I had many reservations of course. I put on the high heels, black maxi dress with short sleeves and a matching hat and of course, beautifully curly hair. I felt so self-conscious! Would Jake accept a beautiful dolled up woman who had the same goofy face he had grown comfortable with over the past 10 years?
I was feeling out of my skin. I wasn’t feeling sexy, even though I noticed a few guys were staring at me as I walked to the bar. It was that strange sense of “I know you’re trying to dress up and get my attention…but it’s working!”
Yeah maybe I was a fish out of water but I was kind of amazed at how altering my appearance immediately changed all my social interactions—hell, it changed my aura too! It’s like I wasn’t even me. I was possessed by the spirit of another woman.
I first made eye contact with Jake from across the room. He tilted his head when he looked at me. Oh God, I almost died at that moment. Did he see me? Was he laughing his ass off at my desperate attempt to steal his attention?
I tried to keep calm and tried not to spill anything on myself. I took a deep breath as Jake took his time approaching me.
When he stood next to me, he waited, probably checking me out. I was too nervous to look at him or say a word. Then suddenly, his voice…
“Hey gorgeous,” he said, his confident tone sounding oddly different from his usual banter with me.
“Hey,” I said with a tight very awkward smile.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“Sure…”
“Let me guess, cosmopolitan?” he said with a grin.
“No, you know I hate girl drinks.”
“All right, a beautiful woman who can hold her liquor!”
“Just the usual.”
He tilted his head in confusion. “Umm, okay…how about long island ice tea?”
He knows I like whiskey. Why doesn’t he just order my favorite drink already?
“Do I get a name or are you the mysterious woman in black?”
I caught him smiling at me. I was stunned—he didn’t know who I was! I was caught in between laughter, embarrassment, joy and depression. Jake, the man I thought I knew, was falling for my simulated doppelganger. It just proved he never noticed me, or at least my body. But I still feared he would recognize my face.
I turned away from him, averting his eyes. “I’m Catalina.”
“Nice name, sounds like an exotic princess.”
“I am an exotic princess!” I said, kind of mocking myself by now
, since Jake knows I hate all that princess stuff. I’m a tomboy at heart. And only by being myself can I grab hold of this man’s attention.
“Well, you’re the prettiest girl in this dump, that’s for sure. Name’s Jake. I’m a photographer.”
“Nice to meet you,” I said, looking at him in the corner of my eye but quickly hiding my face behind my full head of wild hair.
“Are you kidding me? Why’s a lovely princess like you sitting alone on a night like this? You should be out on the beach soaking in sun. Or at least filming some romance comedy movie co-starring Brad Pitt.”
Most women would probably have given him a harder laugh for his cheesy lines but I was still so muted by shock, embarrassment and disbelief that he didn’t recognize me, I could only giggle softly.
And apparently Jake interpreted those embarrassed giggles as a very erotic response to his masculinity. He started deepening his voice and trying twice as hard to make eye contact…which naturally I abruptly interrupted.
“Do you want to get out of here?” he asked boldly, which only made me turned red-faced and laugh twice as hard. Here Jake was thinking I’m all hot and bothered, and I’m really just blushing at the idea that he doesn’t know who he’s talking to.
Yes, it certainly gave me a whole new side of Jake and gave me an idea of what it’s like to be this close to him. Close to his lips, close to his eyes, our bodies so close to touching. I figured at this point I didn’t have anything to lose. I might as well pretend to be the sexy vixen he would never let me be in our platonic friendship.
“Are you sure you can handle me, cowboy?”
“Actually I’m Italian,” he said with an aww-shucks smile.
“Ooh, big strong man,” I said taking a sip of the drink he ordered for me.
“Yeah, you know what my superhero name would be?”
“What?”
“Mozzarella Man.”
I laughed hard, but only for a moment—the more I laughed, the more he might recognize my quirkier “friend” laugh that he’s heard for the last five years.
“That’s cheesy,” I said with a half glance.