by Hazel Keys
Back to wearing my shirt, pants and generally taking back my unkempt appearance, I tried to stay quiet. I didn’t say a word for about half an hour and just sat there in terrible silence. But eventually, Jake’s quiet calm helped me to talk more about what I was really feeling. I loved him for that.
“The truth is I didn’t do it maliciously, please believe that. I was just so confused.”
“Well that makes two of us.”
“Just about where I was going in life. What kind of relationship I want. None of it made sense anymore. I wanted to become a new woman. Live inside someone else’s body. I hated what I had become. My pathetic life.”
“Stop talking like that,” he said, getting miffed.
“It’s true, and I deserve my humiliation.”
“HEY!” he said in that strong Italian voice as his eyes met mine and stayed for a long exchange. “Don’t ever say that. It’s not true. We all go through stuff, Stephanie. All of us. It doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person. It just means it’s time for a change. That’s all.”
“It is time for a change. I know that. I don’t really know where I go from here. I don’t even have any friends outside of the city. I’m just…really happy you didn’t leave me stranded in Florida. I think it’s best if we not speak to each other anymore.”
Jake laughed. “Stephanie, gimme a break. I’m not going to stop being your friend. Okay? So just quit with all that bullshit.”
“You don’t have to…”
“I’m aware,” he said. “So just get over it. You embarrassed yourself and me, and we’re both going to just get over it. The end.”
“Okay…but you know you don’t have to…
“Just go to sleep, goofy,” he said with a smile, putting his arm around me and encouraging me to lean my head asleep on his shoulder. I was so tired. I hadn’t really slept the night before. He could tell I was cracking up. And all he wanted for me was peace. God, I loved that man. I never wanted that plane ride to end. I wanted to die in his arms, rather than return to mundane reality.
Chapter 7:Jake
When we got back home, we decided to go and have a “bro” dinner. No dating, no weird thing between us. Just as two hungry bros. Above all, I wanted to show Stephanie that I wasn’t going to take it personally. Yeah I was pissed at first. Who wouldn’t be? But she’s such a weird girl…a funny girl. How could I stay mad at her?
I snacked on a burger and she chowed down on soup and salad. We tried to do the small talk thing but it didn’t go very well. Neither of us are very polite, anyway. Within minutes we were both keeping it real and just expressing all our nasty and angry thoughts. And hell, that’s the way it should be.
“I just feel as if I’m having my midlife crisis early,” Stephanie said. “I feel like now that I have lived as Catalina my whole life thus far has been a lie.”
“Don’t be so dramatic,” I teased. Your personal shit is not the center of the universe. You’re going to get over this. You’re going to make a change and find what makes you happy.”
“I guess so.”
“You will!” I said firmly. “Don’t underestimate yourself. I mean, hell, I relate to what you’re going through.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. I’m looking for…you know, stuff. I get it, Steph. More than you realize.”
“Huh,” she said suspiciously. “I guess I know what you’re talking about. Sort of.”
“I just mean…well…okay here’s what I’m confused about. Why did you choose me to experiment on? I mean, you’re gay, right? What did you have to lose by…”
“I’m not gay, Jake.”
He looked at me in confusion. “So like…why were you…you know, flirting with…why was Catalina flirting with me?”
She sighed and covered her face. Finally, she looked at me and flinched as she told the truth. “I just wanted to see if I could be that kind of…you know…sexy girl that guys go for.”
I smiled in curiosity. “Well if nothing else, you aced that test.” I leaned in closer to her and almost whispered my reply in shame. “The truth is I couldn’t stop thinking of Catalina. She really captivated my imagination. So if you’re wondering if you ‘got it’, kid, don’t sweat it. You were amazing.”
“Aww,” she said smiling wide. “Well I’m glad you liked her so much.”
“Yeah. Good show.” I laughed.
“Well, sorry you never got to say goodbye to her.”
I shrugged.
“Would you like me to dress up as her…so you can…you know…say goodbye?”
I flinched. And stuttered. And lost all my words in surprise.
“Yes,” I answered without thinking.
She was caught off guard too and we both just stared at each other in confusion, grasping for the “safe” thing to say in response. What the hell was that about? Was this some kind of Hitchcock thing, having her dress up like her fictional character?
I had no idea what I was doing or what she was suggesting. But “YES” seemed to be on my mind.
“Sure I could do that,” she said unsurely, touching her hair nervously. “But like at my place? What would we do…?”
“Just…talk?” I said, blinking. Having no earthly idea what any of this meant.
Until I finally got the point.Loud and clear.
**
I wish I could have been more of a gentleman, but the god honest truth is that as soon as “Catalina” was staring back at me, so trusting and finally looking deep into my eyes… I lost all control of myself. I kissed her with fire. I was a little ashamed at how selfishly, how fucking out of control I was when I grabbed Stephanie and unleashed my pent up frustration. And my pent up attraction. And hell, my pent up confusion!
She was wearing a red dress this time with makeup and just enough skin to tease me. In an instant it all came back to me. The monstrous attraction I had towards her…the burning desire to kiss her and make love to her—oh yes all the while looking into those bashful eyes. This time she had to look at me. There was nowhere else to go.
I kissed her thirstily and brought her closer, as she straddled me on the couch. It felt wrong…a little perverse, what we were doing. But mostly it just felt mad fucking hot. I necked her just like that day in the theater. Before I even thought about what I was doing, my hands were all over her body, fondling her sides, her legs, her shoulders.
We both moaned in sharp breaths as I pulled down her bodice from her shoulders just so I could taste that sensual spot between her breasts. Full and warm, I buried my face in her cleavage. Her red bra peered from underneath the dress material and make me hard as rock. She held my face closer to her body and I hugged her with my grabby hands, rubbing her shoulders, her back, her bubbly ass!
The self-awareness of realizing my hands were on her ass was driving me crazy. I was breaking a taboo but I was filling my intense hunger and it was worth all the stress of “What if?” Soon, I was grabbing her ass and reaching under her skirt—under her panties—like a sex-starved virgin on his wedding night! I unbuttoned her top and pulled her bra cup down just to see her pink nipple popping out. I swallowed, sucked and licked it, losing all of my senses. I wanted her so bad. I needed to taste her. Every inch.
I don’t know if things were getting too heated, or if she was too excited, or if she was too bashful and just wanted to climax fast. But just as I was warming up, she started unzipping my pants and looking for my cock. We were both touching each other desperately with only enough patience to undress half of the clothing we were wearing. She was impatient—she wanted my cock in her NOW and reading that thought made me tremble in suspense.
I groaned loud, embarrassingly loud, as I penetrated her and felt her wetness cream me so warm and smoothly. I should have said something debonair…should have talked dirty or talked romantic…instead I just hollered and panted like a fool. But a fool who was living in the moment!
She rocked back and forth and it was such an exhilarating feeling knowing that we we
re both out of our minds. We were both crossing a fine line and greedily, and wickedly, and selfishly endangering our friendship.
But fuck it all, it felt amazing to lose it, and shoot ten hot explosive spurts into her. We couldn’t even mutter an “Oh God” we just grunted and groaned until our bodies shook and our faces tightened to red faced orgasm.
All I remember about the afterglow was breathing so hard and her breathing back at me, all in my face…our cheeks so close together. Our eyes locked into a stare that seemed to go on for hours. Now with wetness surrounding me, I could finally think straight…
My God what have we done? What was that? Oh God what did we do? Oh my God it was so good…
**
The awkward conversation that follows an out of nowhere glorious and intensely crazy fuck, is always the best part for me.
And this was usually about the time when the girl, or the “woman” shall I say, would realize that I was just a one night stand and that it’s best she get dressed and get the hell out.
I was immediately impressed at just how profoundly the experience affected Stephanie. She didn’t jump up and run…actually, she just stayed there. And looked at me. For the first time in many years, I had a houseguest who didn’t want to forget this ever happened.
Chapter 8: Stephanie
The shoe is on the other foot, indeed, since Jake has been texting me nonstop about the other night. I feel so bad about it. I mean, yes the sex was fantastic. The talk we had after…another long night of rambling and sharing our feelings…was great!
But the aftermath of an accidental affair really stings a person’s pride. Of course I wanted him. It was all my idea. But now that I can think a little clearly, I feel it may have been a mistake.
Jake was so sweet. Not at all rude or the kind of man that would make a woman feel low after an affair. But my fear was that he was too earnest. He was ready to fall in love.
With HER. Not with me. And dammit, it was all my idea. I offered to dress up like Catalina. I offered the experiment and he took it.
I can’t say it was disappointing because it was everything I thought it would be. But now mundane reality has come back to bite us in the ass and not in a good way.
I don’t even know who I am anymore. Who is he? What are we doing here? I attracted the guy of my dreams by becoming someone else. By betraying all my instincts and doing the opposite of everything that is my true identity.
I told Jake via email that I think it’s best to end our experiment, and certainly not because it was a mistake. If anything, it was the right thing to do, maybe the best thing that ever happened to me! It helped realize what I am.
It helped me to grow up. I am forever thankful to Jake for his friendship and his encouraging spirit. And yes for his very, very good bedside manner. But if I’m going to be honest and pick up the pieces of my life, like Jake says, then I have to say goodbye to Catalina. For good.
I finally agreed to meet with Jake in the park, after taking a weeklong hiatus to think things through. The park seemed like a good neutral location and definitely not the place where I might surrender to my urges to dress up like Catalina again for purely selfish purposes.
“You know you really drive me batty,” he said in an agitated voice. “Seriously.”
“I know! I’m sorry. I do kind of mess with guys and it’s a habit I’m trying to break.”
“You didn’t mess with me like a normal person. You invented a fictional character and then fucked my brains out. Right after pretending to be gay for five years. That’s fucking supervillain bullshit!”
I laughed. “Don’t make me laugh! This is supposed to be a sad breakup.”
“Look, I resent the whole breaking up thing. I was a pretty damned good friend for five years to you, Stephanie.”
“Yes, you were.”
“So please don’t dump me like a bad habit. I hate that you have to think of what happened as a big mistake.”
“It was my mistake. Sex just complicated everything.”
“I don’t understand why couples get so weird about it. I mean what is sex? It’s like a kiss hello! People should have sex as soon as they meet. Then we wouldn’t have this weird thing that destroys good friendships.”
I laughed again. This time I remained quiet as I strolled along the park trail, listening to him ramble on. I found it charming he was trying. Trying to keep my attention. Actually fighting to keep me interested in him. Weeks ago, I never would have thought this moment would be happening.
“Steph,” he said, using that same familiar tone he used to use before Catalina came into the picture. “Who did I ask out today?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean. You didn’t come dressed as Catalina, did you?”
“No.”
“In fact you didn’t dress up for me. You just look sort of like the same Stephanie I remember.”
“Yeah, don’t rub it in,” I said with a pout.
“I’m not! Steph, when we made love that day I didn’t call you Catalina. I didn’t close my eyes. I looked at you. I didn’t see Catalina’s eyes because that wildcat never let me look at her for more than five seconds.”
I giggled, and once again avoided his eyes.
“Look at me,” he said, gently turning my head towards him and bringing my brisk walk to a halt.
“It was you, Steph. That’s why it was so hot. That’s why I was so hot and so intense because it was you and I was losing control. I was betraying my instincts to respect you as a friend and just making love to the woman I realized that I sort of knew, but didn’t really know her mind. Her body. Her dark side. Her…imagination.”
I started blushing. I could barely look at him and started walking the trail again, this time at a slower pace.
“I just need to know, Steph…did you feel anything real for me? Because I’m tired of always wearing my heart on my sleeve. All that Catalina showed me or what I THOUGHT she showed me…was that you kind of liked me. And yeah, I gawked at Catalina because…you wanted me to look. She was your character, your image. You made her.”
“Yeah I know. But…”
“But I wonder, Steph, are you running away? Now, really? You’re running away now, when you have my full attention?”
“Well honey, just imagine if the situation were reversed. What if you played a character that was opposite of you. Like…I don’t know, a boring white guy with a soft voice and one that hated pizza.”
Jake laughed and shook his head.
“What if you pretended to be someone else just to get into my pants. That’s how I feel about myself.”
“Jesus, Stephanie. You’re too hard on yourself. If a woman told me that she tried THAT hard, and invented a whole persona just to bed me, I’d be pretty damn impressed. That shows a lot of spunk. That shows determination. Most girls don’t even try today. They make me do all the work.”
“I don’t know. I keep thinking, Jake, I want our friendship to stay strong. God knows you’ve been there for me for a long time. I mean…” I giggled to myself thinking about Jake’s altruism. “You thought I was gay and stood up for me. To my brother and sister who know I’m straight.” I laughed again. “You’re a classic gentleman. Friends like you are invaluable to me.”
“Yeah I know,” he responded, a little stressed. “I do seem to fall into a familiar rut of having good friends and lousy girlfriends. I don’t know. What I’m really feeling right now is that I went home with Catalina…but I stayed for you. Steph. I cuddled with you. I talked to you. I saw both of your ‘sides’. But…”
He finally sighed in frustration and looked away from me in regret. “I don’t want to keep talking if you’re not feeling what I’m feeling. My heart’s been damaged too much. I’m just tired of…trying so hard to keep a woman’s attention when all she wants to do is look the other way. You know?”
His eyes were reflecting his soul and it was damaged. The poor dear looked at me in a moment of truth like he was im
ploding from the inside, unable to keep talking to a brick wall. He was telling me in that moment that he expected better from me. Not to treat him like all the other women did. He deserved better than that. From me, he deserved better. Maybe he even deserved total honesty.
“Jake…when you were with me on that plane…and I was freaking out as I always do…you held onto me and you protected me. You made me feel calm. In that moment, I didn’t want to be anywhere else. I felt at home in your arms. I didn’t want that moment to end.”
His eyes get wider and he gave me full attention. He listened in respect…no something more than respect. Something like his heart warming and spreading to every pore of his incandescent skin. He looked beautiful to me in that moment, like he was looking at me—Stephanie and Catalina both at the same time. My reality and my greatest ambition.My strength and my weakness.My beauty and my blemishes.
“And feeling that makes me afraid. Jake.” I finally stopped looking away and shared a painful moment with him.
To my surprise, and to my great interest, he didn’t send me back pain. He sent me back a sensation of healing.
“Steph, I am into you. I do love you. I thought it was as a friend all these years but if you want all the cards on the table, I felt something special with you. Maybe the sex, the uncontrollable attraction came when I saw you dressed as Catalina. But I fell…you know…in love with you when you told me you were straight. It was like…all this time, and I didn’t realize Steph was available. And I don’t care if you want to be sexy, talky, goofy, or even badshit crazy! If you want to be vulnerable…honest…or if you want to freak out and give me your hand.”
He stopped me from walking and held my hand, looking deep into my eyes, so deep that I went into a love trance and listened in expectation.