Aftercare Instructions

by Bonnie Pipkin

  But then he scoots over and grabs my hand. Like that space meant nothing. And why should it? I look at our hands together, and sparks shoot through my arm. Through all my bones. Our fingers interlock and his thumb rubs the bottom of my palm, and I want to pull my hand away because it feels so nice, too nice.

  “The ride will take a little while, so we may as well get comfortable here, right?” Seth says, and then asks the driver to turn up the classic rock station.

  We both stare out the window and watch everything fly by. All I can smell right now is Seth. It surrounds me, holds on to me. Laundry and boy. Boy smell. I love it. I want to eat it. And the music gets louder.

  “She seems to have an invisible touch, yeah,” he sings into my ear.

  “Genesis,” I say.

  “That’s you.”

  “My namesake,” I say, laughing. “You know this song?”

  “Of course.”

  Then we start singing together, “And now it seems I’m falling, falling for her…”

  My dad used to play this song for me. Another sign? Another smoke signal from the worlds beyond? It’s coincidence. They play Genesis on the classic rock station all the time.

  Seth closes his eyes when he sings and dances with his fists.

  I take it all in, through my skin.

  When the song ends, a commercial comes on, and the driver turns down the radio.

  “What’s the best birthday you can remember?” Seth asks me.

  I don’t know the answer to that question off the top of my head. It would have to be before my dad was gone. I barely remember celebrating after that.

  “My first birthday.”

  “You remember it?”

  “No, but I bet it was amazing.”

  “You avoiding the question?”

  “Maybe. Why? What was yours?”

  “You want to know?”

  I nod.

  “I think it was my eighteenth birthday.”

  “That’s mine coming up.”

  “I know.”

  And then it hits me. Rose isn’t having problems with Will. This is a conspiracy. That must have been what they discussed on the phone and why we’re taking a cab all the way to Rose’s house.

  Seth’s teeth fight their way out of his lips and into a smile. He turns, but it’s too late. I understand everything.

  “You’re supposed to be an actor. That’s some poker face,” I say.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “How did you know it was my birthday?”

  “You told me at my house!”

  “Oh, shit.” I did. I’m being paranoid. But seriously, this is the way Rose works. She’s not having a crisis. “We’re going to a surprise party, aren’t we?”

  “You really want me to tell you?”

  “That means yes.”

  “Yes.”

  “I can’t believe you told me!”

  “You figured it out!”

  I actually don’t know whether to be furious or flattered right now.

  “I’d rather know. It’s okay.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. Damn it. Rose! I can’t believe I didn’t sniff this out sooner. Guess there’s been a lot going on.”

  Seth doesn’t respond. He just looks into his folded hands. When did we stop holding hands? I don’t remember letting go.

  “What was so great about your eighteenth birthday?” I ask him.

  “It was the night I decided to move to New York.”

  “Didn’t you make that decision when…?”

  “Yep.”

  The night he discovered his girlfriend was cheating on him.

  “It happened on your birthday?”

  “Yes, it did.”

  “And that was your best?”

  “Well, it got me here, didn’t it?”

  Then we pull in front of Rose’s house.

  “Can we go back? Can we turn around and head back to Brooklyn? I’ll pay for it.”

  “Sorry, Charlie. Rose sounded pretty serious. And I think this may be my first test.”

  Is Delilah here? I haven’t spoken to her since the Brooklyn party. But it would be weird if she didn’t at least stop by my birthday party.

  I think about what Delilah must have been like when she barged into Seth’s apartment. I wonder if he was scared.

  “Seth, about the other night…”

  He puts his hand up to my mouth, and those sparks shoot again, down my jaw and into my throat.

  “But I wanted to apologize if anyone was acting psycho or…”

  Then his lips are on my mouth. He’s kissing me. I let myself fall into it like it’s the easiest place to be. Like we’re falling through this cab floor and down into the underground. Where people are green and music is air. I kiss him like there isn’t a man sitting in the front seat waiting for us to pay. I kiss him like there isn’t a house full of people waiting to yell Surprise! And then when I think that I might just melt into myself, I push his chest gently to move him off of me. We both sit for a second, with all that space between us, only this time it’s just inches, and we catch our breath.

  “Sorry,” he says.

  “No” is all I can manage to say.

  “I’ve wanted to do that since you showed up at my door to get your phone.”

  Fire. Sparks. Magic.

  Ignore it.

  No, postpone it.

  “Do what?” I say, smiling.

  “Kiss you like I meant it.”

  Hold yourself together. Explosions are messy.

  “Let’s go see about this party,” I say.

  “It was supposed to be a surprise.”

  He kisses me again. But this time our lips barely touch and our noses meet and neither of us moves or breathes. The cab-driver clears his throat, and Seth hands him a credit card without moving his nose from mine.

  When we’re out of the cab, he grabs my hand again. That house in front of us is full of people who have never seen me hold anyone’s hand except for Peter’s. Instinctively, I look around for his truck, but of course it’s not parked anywhere. If this shindig has been planned for more than a week, then he should have probably brought me here.

  Do I even know anyone inside those walls?

  I haven’t rung Rose’s doorbell since the first time I went to her house in seventh grade. I’m sure they are all watching through the windows. Waiting in the shadows.

  “Just pretend you’re walking onto the stage,” he says. “You’ve rehearsed enough. You know the part.”

  “What part is that?”

  “Well, I’ve never seen it, but I imagine Genesis Johnson will be surprised her friends threw this together for her. I imagine she will feel flattered and will say thank you over and over. She’ll hug a bunch of people who will be very happy they managed this surprise. Then she’ll exit toward the kitchen and pour herself a drink that is way too strong, and maybe she’ll end up passing out in a stranger’s bed.”

  “Will you just pour that drink for me while I’m doing all the hugging?”

  “Sure thing. And I know just the stranger’s bed for the grand finale.”

  I can’t decide whether to laugh or hang my head in shame. “That’s not really me, you know?”

  “Neither of us knows each other very well yet, Genesis. Don’t worry so much.”

  I open Rose’s front door. There are still bells on it from Christmas. I brace myself for …

  (Silence)

  No one says anything; no one jumps out. I turn on the lights and see an empty living room. I look at Seth, who shrugs and follows me into the kitchen. What the hell is going on? I thought I had this figured out.

  “What is this?” I ask him.

  “Beats me.”

  Are we too late? Did Rose plan a surprise party for me and no one came?

  “Rose?” I call out. I can’t take it.

  She walks into the kitchen with black makeup pooling under her eyes.

  “Gen. Fi
nally.”

  “Rose?”

  Her eyes are also red and puffy, and maybe I am an asshole if she really is upset right now. But no. I’m so confused.

  “What’s going on, Rose?”

  She pushes herself into my arms, headfirst. I look at Seth over her head, who shrugs again.

  Then there’s an eruption of screams, and even though I was expecting it, I jump and pull Rose down onto the floor with me.

  She’s laughing hysterically as she rolls away. Meanwhile the masses of voices who just yelled Surprise! approach slowly, and I want to cover my head and sink into the floor.

  “Stand up, Genesis. Happy fucking birthday.”

  I see Will. I see Anjali. I see Stevie. I see all the people we sit with at lunch. There is one missing face, but I guess I’m getting used to that.

  “I knew you’d figure it out,” Rose says.

  “I almost didn’t!”

  “Well, I knew you would at some point, because you always do. So I thought this extra layer of surprise would be funny. Like you think you’re so smart and then there’s actually not a party.”

  I stand and hug her. “Thanks, Rose.”

  “You’re welcome, Gen. Let’s have some fun,” she says, slipping a birthday tiara onto my head.

  Seth hands me a red Solo cup filled with ice and something pink. I drink it too fast.

  “Slow down there, Gen,” Rose says. “This party is for you. You have to be here for at least part of it.”

  “Fine.”

  “You can crash here too. I told your mom about it.”

  “I guess Will isn’t a cheating, lying loser?”

  “Nope.”

  I squeeze Seth’s elbow.

  Someone turns music on in the living room, which draws part of the kitchen crowd out. Will winds his way over to us. He’s wearing a backward baseball cap and a hoodie with a skateboarding skeleton on it.

  “What’s up, dude,” he says, and nods toward Seth.

  Seth holds out his hand. I remember Rose said Will wanted to beat him up when they found me in his apartment. I watch, hoping Will just grabs his hand back.

  “I’m Seth. Nice to meet you.”

  They shake hands. I put my drink down.

  “Yeah, buddy. Sorry about the other night. I was just looking out for my girl’s friend, you know?”

  “I’m not your girl,” Rose says, behind this new, uncharacteristic blush.

  “Whatever. You will be.”

  “I’m not your girl’s friend,” I say.

  “Now, that’s true. Gen’s more like my sister.”

  I need to change the subject here. “Did you invite Delilah, Rose?”

  She shifts a little, but doesn’t answer.

  “Did you?”

  “I did, Gen. I’m not sure if she’s coming.”

  “Not sure or she’s definitely not?”

  “Not sure. Seriously. Have you talked?”

  I shake my head. Then I pick my cup back up and look at the ice melting into the pink liquid.

  “She might. You never know.”

  This is ridiculous. We’re not even fighting about anything.

  “I have another stupid question,” I say to Rose, and pull her away from the boys.

  With a fake academic-sounding voice she says, “There are no stupid questions, only stupid answers. Wait, is that how it goes?”

  “Does Peter know about this party?” I keep my voice low.

  “Of course he does, Gen. This has been planned for weeks.”

  And now I sip the liquid from my cup. He’s not here. He shouldn’t be. That would be too confusing. But still. It stings. This was getting planned at the same time our little trip to the city was being planned.

  We move into the living room, and a few of my classmates coax me into their dance circle. I humor them. I carry on in my role. I see Seth has no problem chatting it up with strangers. I notice Vanessa isn’t here. Not that she should be either. It’s just hitting me. These absences. Delilah. Vanessa. Peter.

  Seth catches my eye and moves toward me, shaking his hips around and wobbling his knees. He looks like a Claymation figure. We press together, swaying to the music. I can feel people watching, surprised. But I’m made of clay too, fitting myself into a new mold.

  Anjali smiles at me, then flips her hair around to the music. Rose and Will join us on the designated dance floor. Rose’s party mix is on the stereo. We dance to an old David Bowie song. When he says, “Fashion! Turn to the left!” we all follow. But it’s closing in on me. This room, the people. I’m starting to feel the buzz, and like the air in the room is thinning. I excuse myself to the bathroom, extracting myself from the tangle of dancing bodies. Seth starts after me, but I tell him I’ll be right back.

  “You get your booty back here fast,” says Rose. “There’s a lot more dancing to do.”

  I give her a thumbs-up and head up the stairs.

  Once I’m in the bathroom, my head starts to spin, and I hold on to the edge of the sink and try to suck in air. The last time I was in here during a party at Rose’s house, everything went wrong. With the condom breaking and the laughing and the not caring. If I had been paying attention, maybe I would have noticed Peter did care. That it was really out of his realm to do that sort of thing in a bathroom. I pushed him. I wanted it. I recognize now that he was nervous. I was the one who threw it all to the wind and wanted to get wrapped up in it, who ignored any real problems that might have been going on.

  Such as basically hiding the relationship from his mom.

  Such as being afraid to be who we really were.

  Was it really so bad, though? Bad enough to throw it all away with no conversation, no kiss good-bye?

  I can’t let myself go there right now. This is my birthday party. I’m here to have fun. With the people who love me and care about me.

  I look at myself in the mirror and take off the stupid tiara. I cup my hands and drink water from the sink, wipe my mouth, and walk out the door.

  Seth is waiting for me outside.

  “You followed me.”

  He nods.

  “Thank you, Seth.”

  “You gotta stop thanking me.”

  Then he’s kissing me again. I can breathe in this kiss. It’s the floating kind, not the falling kind.

  “Hey, get a room!” someone yells from downstairs.

  “Get down here, Gen!”

  I jump onto Seth’s back and he hops down the stairs, laughing and almost toppling so many times, yet holding me steady. He starts his silly knee-wobbling dance again, and I beg him to put me down and everyone else laughs and dances, and I’m finally letting myself have fun, finally settling into the ease of having a good time. Just dancing and swaying and kissing and laughing. I’ve never had such a fun birthday party before.

  Then the doorbell rings.

  Stevie moves to answer it, with everyone screaming and laughing.

  And then, standing in the door frame, plain as day:

  Peter.

  DO NOT INSERT ANYTHING

  It’s one of those scenes. One of those movie scenes. Where the music screeches to a halt and suddenly everyone looks at you. Except the music keeps going, and I jump off Seth’s back, and I know I recognize that person in the doorway, and I know it’s only been days, but he is a stranger. His face droops over his skull, all sadness, or confusion, or maybe he’s aged one hundred years.

  I look at Rose, thinking she might intercept. But she’s stuck too. We’re all stuck.

  There is no intercepting.

  There is only facing what is right in front of me.

  This is an invasion. This isn’t fair. He can’t just come when he wants to.

  He can’t.

  No one says anything, and I still wish the music would screech itself off. Pop music doesn’t quite match the scene. But what idiot is going to turn down the music? It’s too obvious.

  So I do it.

  And then it’s quiet.

  Seth touches my a
rm. Everything’s askew. He should not be mixed up in this. What is he doing here?

  And by he, I think I mean both of them.

  Peter moves into the living room. He doesn’t just look old, he looks scared. His usual confidence sucked out by a room full of people on my side. Though they don’t even know why they should be on my side. And why does there have to be sides, anyway?

  Should I hate that person standing in front of me?

  I can’t seem to stir up any hate.

  I know it’s in me somewhere, but it’s not coming out.

  Hate would make things so much easier now.

  I look at Seth and mouth, I’m sorry.

  I don’t know what I’m sorry for.

  I hate this.

  I hate all of this.

  Then Rose breaks our collective stupor. “Are you kidding me?”

  Rose moves forward, Seth backward. There could be an indentation in my flesh where his hand was.

  “This isn’t the time, Peter,” I say, but I also step closer to him.

  He reaches out to touch my face, and I shiver from someplace deep, someplace buried, sunken, dead.

  “Don’t.”

  Sometimes don’t means everything but what it’s supposed to.

  “Gen, I really screwed up.”

  “No fucking shit you screwed up.”

  That was Rose. She’s not having this. I seem to be swimming through invisible honey.

  “What are you doing here? You can’t do this. You can’t just show up. That’s not how it works.”

  “Rose, I can handle this,” I say.

  “So handle it.” She turns back to Peter. “What part of your actions in the past week made you think you were still invited? Seriously.”

  “I know. But it’s your birthday and … Gen.”

  I’m shaking my head. I’m shaking my head and I want to close my eyes and make him go away. Here he is, physically, the actual, physical Peter Sage. My boyfriend? We haven’t officially broken up yet. I mean, with a conversation.

  I look at Rose again. Then Peter. Everywhere but at Seth.

  “Let’s go outside and talk.”

  He nods, and I walk away without looking at anyone. I know Rose is cutting me into shreds with her eyes. I don’t know what Seth is thinking or doing or feeling or anything. I know I’m not coming back to this party, though, and I don’t know why.