Ma, I've Reached for the Moon an I'm Hittin the Stars

by Martha Long

  ‘True,’ he said, slowly lowering his head in a nod. ‘But, no, they do not own this house. I do.’

  ‘But how?’

  ‘That rule applies only if I am a priest, and I am presently taking time away from the order. Call it a sabbatical, if you will. But my time is my own. I am not sure if I wish to remain in what I was doing. I need to re-evaluate my life. I may need, perhaps, a change of direction.’

  I listened, forgetting to take a breath as it caught in the back of my throat, nearly choking me. I started coughing, then he was over gently tapping my back, saying, ‘Breathe slowly.’

  I did, after taking in gulps of air, trying to get a rhythm, then he put the glass to my lips, saying, ‘Take a drink, Martha! Sip slowly,’ he said, holding the glass to my lips as he watched me drink, keeping his other hand held gently on my back.

  I gasped, taking in a long sigh, and turned my head away still gasping. ‘Thank you. Bloody hell, my breath just caught,’ I spluttered, looking at him, seeing him watching me carefully, making sure I was OK.

  Then he stood up, saying, ‘Would you like some tea or coffee?’

  ‘Yes, tea, please. I would like that! Yeah, great,’ I groaned, hearing my voice croak, with the eyes burning out of me head and tears streaming down my face. Ah, fuck, now my mascara is running, I sobbed to meself, thinking, I have left everything behind in that bleedin guesthouse!

  I stood up, saying, ‘Where is the bathroom, please, Ralph?’ Wanting to get out of the room, feeling in a hurry to get a look at meself. For sure, I’m not going to win any beauty contest, not with the red nose dripping, the black eyes and the red face. Ah, fuck! Why do I always manage to make a holy show of meself?

  ‘Come with me,’ he said, putting his hand on my arm and leading me out the door. I leaned into him, seeing as it was a squash getting out the door together, because I was holding on to his jumper without realising it.

  ‘Are you all right?’ he said, stopping to look at me as he lifted my face, staring into me.

  ‘No!’ I squawked, pulling away from him. ‘I’m looking miserable! So stop staring at me, it’s making me worse,’ I said, half-laughing, nearly crying. Then seeing his face break out into a huge grin, showing his dimples, with the white teeth and the spark of mischief in his all-knowing, lovely green eyes.

  ‘Nonsense!’ he purred. ‘Let me see you,’ he said, pulling me towards him and holding my chin in his hand, leaning into my face to examine me. Then he whispered, ‘Martha, you have a magnetic charm. It comes through even with streaming mascara,’ he laughed, throwing his head back, thinking that was hilarious. I felt like telling him to fuck off, only I knew he meant well. But I still felt a fool. He was just drawing attention to it.

  I stared at myself in the mirror, seeing a watery pair of red eyes staring back at me and two black streaks making a line down my flushed cheeks. I took some tissues sitting in a box and dipped them under the tap, wiping away the mascara, then blew my nose, making it more red. Ah, well, at least my face looks clean now. The eyes I can do nothing about. It’s the bloody exhaustion. But I don’t care about that. I don’t really feel it any more. I would stick pins in me eyes just to keep them open so I could stay talking all night to Ralph! Gawd, how did I ever get on without him? I didn’t! Not really, Martha. You were like the clown, hiding the tears behind the laughter, my dear. Yes, you did, I told myself, looking in the mirror.

  Right, I sighed, thinking, I am going to have to continue that way. The man is not for turning! I can sense it. On the surface, it looks like he’s having a late mid-life crisis. Nearly hitting the fifty-mark. But he has been a bachelor too long. Besides, the old public schools pumped too much of the old ethos of ‘Loyalty, Fidelity and, above all, Discipline!’ Ralph will not give up ‘Old Mother Church’ too easily. Not even medicine could hold him from that. Well, one good thing, at least he’s not married!

  I opened the door, following the direction of noise. It sounds like he’s in the kitchen. Right! In we go, then it hit me. Great! This is good. I’m now making inroads. Jaysus, just a few hours ago I was afraid to even breathe, never mind move in the place.

  ‘Hello there! Feeling better?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Good! You are just in time,’ he said, handing me a mug of tea. ‘Do help yourself to milk and sugar, Martha,’ he said, pointing at the tray with a very civilised silver jug and matching sugar dish, with a silver spoon sitting on the side.

  ‘Very nice,’ I said, eyeing the silver, then lifting up the spoon and dropping a teaspoonful of sugar into the mug. ‘Did you also inherit the silver?’ I said, throwing my head at the tray.

  ‘Yes, everything came with the house,’ he said. ‘It belonged to my uncle. I became his heir when he died leaving no children, not even a wife. In fact, he hardly used the place,’ Ralph said, swinging around to look at the lovely old-fashioned kitchen.

  I looked down at the long black Aga-type cooker that was taking up nearly one end of the big room. It was sitting itself snugly inside a huge old brick arch. Oh, I would love to have that, I thought, feeling the lovely heat it sends out. ‘So, where did he live then?’ I asked.

  ‘Oh, he had other residences. London, Switzerland! He liked to move about. I also inherited his housekeeper, Madame Bouclé. She came as an old retainer. She has been with him for years. She lived here when he was abroad. Now she has moved into the village. She lives with her maiden sister. So I have the place to myself,’ he said happily, giving me a big grin.

  ‘So,’ I said, grinning back at him. ‘You are not letting the Church get their paws, then, on this little pile?’

  ‘No! Absolutely not!’ he said, shaking his head. ‘The will came with a codicil. It stipulates I must make use of the house for myself or it will pass to another member of the family, if there is a danger of it being lost to the Church. In other words, the family hold this house in trust. They act on my behalf as trustees to all of my estate.’

  ‘Are you serious?’ I said.

  ‘Oh, yes, of course!’ Then his face broke out into a slow smile as something hit him. ‘You know!’ he said, staring straight into my face, looking at me with amusement dancing in his eyes. ‘I do think the old rake was fiendishly clever. He never approved of my decision to leave medicine for the Church. I believe he spoke to my mother about it – she was his sister. Of course, there was nothing she could do to influence me. She would never have even dared try. I was a grown man. Quite capable of knowing what I wanted to do with my life. But in this instance it came at the right time. I think when I heard about the house it quite made up my mind for me. I had been thinking about doing something for some time anyway. So, here we are!’ he said, putting his arm around me and leading me over to a chair.

  ‘Wait, I need a cigarette,’ I said, leaving down the mug and making off for the sitting room to get my bag with the smokes.

  ‘Well then, let us take our drinks back inside,’ he said, taking up the two mugs and following me.

  ‘So, Ralph, are you thinking of leaving the priesthood?’ I said, seeing him lying back, with his feet hanging over the side of the sofa, sipping on his coffee. He looked at me, then took in a deep slow breath, looking away and landing his eyes in the distance, thinking about it.

  ‘I have no idea, Martha. I am simply taking time to reflect. I am making no decisions. It will become clear to me in time. I do not intend to force it.’

  I said nothing, just bent down and picked up my bag to roll myself another cigarette.

  ‘Martha!’

  I looked up, seeing him looking intently at me.

  ‘Why did you come? I know you, you came for a good reason. Otherwise you would simply have written to me or perhaps even telephoned. So talk to me, please!’ he said, swinging himself to a sitting position and putting down his mug on the little wine table that sat in the corner next to his sofa.

  I watched, seeing him sit up straight, letting a smile play around his mouth as his eyes pinned on me, locking me into his gaze.
I could see he was reading me, searching my eyes for the answer. I dropped my head, not wanting to let him see what I was thinking.

  ‘Come on! Do tell me,’ he said, springing off the sofa and landing himself beside me. ‘Tell me, Martha! Why did you come?’ he asked, putting his arm gently around my shoulder and turning me to look at him.

  I stared into his eyes, seeing his softness, the strength of him, the power that makes him the man he is.

  ‘Come on, Martha, don’t be frightened of me,’ he whispered, staring at me more intently.

  I stared back, seeing him let a longing show in his eyes. I could feel my breathing start to go faster as I watched his eyes searching my face. He looked like he wanted to get inside me. I could feel the heat coming from the nearness of him as his thigh brushed against mine. He still loves me, I thought.

  Suddenly my heart started to hammer in my chest. I was afraid he could hear it. I wanted to throw myself into his arms and let go of all the pent-up emotion I had buried since the last day I ever met him. I wanted to cry until there were no more tears. But I could say nothing. I needed to hold back. I was terribly afraid he would let me down again. I know him well. Like me, his old loves never die. The Church has too much of a hold on him.

  I shook my head. ‘No! I can’t bring myself to say it, Ralph. We both know what it is.’

  He stared at me, looking deep into my eyes, reading all there was to know about me. Seeing the new Martha, the woman he has just met, is not really much different from the young girl he once walked away from, breaking her heart. I am still that girl inside. I still love him, only much more deeply, with all the maturity of a woman who has lived a lifetime. He let out his breath slowly and took me in his arms, gently wrapping them around me, and pulled me to him, holding me against his chest. ‘You do still love me, Martha, is that true?’ he whispered, resting his lips on the side of my head.

  ‘Yes, Ralph, I have never stopped loving you. I will love you until the day I die!’ I whispered.

  ‘You have come here to tell me this, have you not, my Martha?’

  ‘Yes, I needed to see you,’ I said. Then I lifted my head and pulled away, looking at him. ‘Ralph, do you still love me?’

  He closed his eyes and dropped his head, nodding. Then he lifted it, looking at me, and said, ‘Yes! Very much, Martha. More deeply than I ever dared believe. You have always been with me. In my thoughts, in my prayers. Always, Martha, always have I carried you with me. You have never left my heart,’ he said, putting his hand on my face and stroking me.

  We stayed quiet, while I put my head back on his chest, feeling his arms around me as he fell back on the cushions, taking me with him.

  ‘Martha, what is it you want from me?’ he asked, whispering with his lips on my cheek.

  ‘You know full well what I am here for, what I want to ask you!’

  ‘Yes, but you must tell me. We need to be clear what the other is asking, I do not want to second-guess you, Martha. We are both mature adults now. What is it you are asking of me, Martha?’

  I took in a sigh, saying nothing. Not feeling ready to be rejected.

  ‘OK, I will say it for you,’ he said, taking in a deep sigh. ‘You want us to be married, is that it, my love?’

  I nodded, saying, ‘Yes! I want to have a family of my own. Start again. Sarah is reared. But I have been alone too long. I need a family, Ralph. I want to have children with you, wake up with you beside me. Share all my thoughts and all my dreams with you. I want you to be the other half of me. I want us to make decisions together. I have always needed you, Ralph, but I had to go it alone without you. Because I could never find another to replace you. That’s why I stayed alone, and do you know? I knew from the moment you left me for the last time that would happen. I knew! You don’t really know me, Ralph. You never saw far enough inside me to see I could only love one man, and that was you, Ralph Fitzgerald. The first and last man I ever really loved. The first person who ever showed me love. The only person who ever had a powerful influence over me for the good. It was only matched by one other man, and his influence was also very powerful. But it was for pure evil. But that is centuries ago.

  ‘Ralph, I am a free woman. That’s what allows me to come here now and meet you face to face. I am not running from you any more, Ralph. I must face up to my need for you. For better for worse, resolve it once and for all. I didn’t want to discuss this with you now, not all in one go. Because I don’t want to pressure you. I realised that this evening. I had hoped it would come from you. You would slowly arrive yourself at the decision. See for yourself. I know you love me, we love each other deeply. But I hoped over the next week we might grow close together. Be at ease with each other. But now it’s out in the open. I’m not sure it’s for the good, Ralph,’ I said. ‘Maybe it’s all too soon. I don’t know what I was thinking,’ I said, seeing him staring at me, listening very intently. I could see his eyes were looking very worried. There is also a sadness in them. Like he doesn’t want to pain me. Yet he will, we will both hurt each other all over again. Jesus, I know it! I thought, feeling the numbing pain already running through me, making me want to shiver.

  ‘Martha, I need time,’ he said, looking at me. ‘So do you,’ he sighed, pulling me down to lie on his chest. ‘Come, you are shivering,’ he said, wrapping himself around me. ‘Martha, please, I feel I must say this to you. Do not rush. We make only bad decisions when we are rash. Take life more slowly, you still need time to recover,’ he said, pressing his head down, leaning it on me and whispering gently as he smothered me in his arms.

  I said nothing, just thought about it. Knowing he was right. But I can’t continue as I am. I, too, must make decisions.

  ‘Ralph, can I ask you something?’ I said, lifting my head and pushing myself away from him.

  ‘What is it, Martha?’ he said when he saw me hesitating, with me wondering how I could ask him. ‘Come on! Ask!’ he said, giving me a little shake by grabbing my waist.

  ‘Can I stay here tonight?’ I suddenly said, not wanting to go back to the pension.

  He thought about it, then grinned, saying, ‘Yes,’ looking at me as he lowered his head, not taking his eyes off me, making it look also like a warning. Meaning I have to behave myself!

  ‘Don’t worry, your virtue is safe with me, Ralph!’ I said, laughing and burying my head in his chest again.

  ‘What a disappointment,’ he muttered. ‘I was hoping for more!’

  ‘Are you serious?’ I said.

  ‘No, Martha, sorry, I should not jest. It is not fair to us. We both need to be very circumspect, my Martha. Because, you see, technically I am still a priest. I have not yet decided what I am going to do,’ he said, letting his voice fade away as he thought about what he just said.

  ‘Well, Ralph, how much time do you think you will need?’ I said, sitting up to grab a smoke.

  ‘I don’t know, Martha. Really I don’t!’ he said, gazing at me with a tragic look in his beautiful green eyes.

  I wanted to grab him and smother myself inside him. I kept looking at him, seeing him so close yet so far. I just can’t get beyond that bleeding grip the Church has on him. But one thing I do know. He must give himself freely to me or there would be nothing there at all. It has to be his commitment to me, as I will willingly give my commitment to him. So, it’s keep me hands off him, back off and let him breathe.

  I lifted my head, looking into his face, seeing him turn away from his thoughts and pin his eyes on me. Then I saw his eyes lighten as his gaze dropped from my eyes and stopped on my lips, with his head looking like it was inching forward, moving closer to me. I felt my heart suddenly begin to race as he drew closer. I could feel his arms tighten around me and very gently begin to move around my back.

  ‘Martha, I love you so much,’ he said, moving his hands and resting them gently on my face, brushing my hair back. Then he took in a deep sigh and suddenly looked like he had made a decision. But before I knew what was happening, he grabbed me ar
ound the waist and shot himself up, swinging me onto my feet.

  ‘Come, Martha. You are exhausted. Let me show you to your room. Do you have something to wear?’

  ‘No, it looks like I will be sleeping in my knickers!’ I said, laughing at the idea, seeing his face crease in a big grin.

  ‘Don’t tempt me, you little Jezebel!’ he grinned, grabbing me around the waist and heading me out the door. ‘You may have a pair of my pyjamas,’ he said. ‘Sorry, but it is the best I can offer you. Unfortunately, I do not have ladies dropping in to spend the night,’ he laughed.

  ‘I would hope not,’ I snorted, thinking I shouldn’t let him see me being jealous. He might think I am pushing my luck.

  ‘Grand! They will do fine,’ I said, thinking I will have to go down to the pension first thing tomorrow and collect my bag. Collect my bag? I took in a big breath, letting it out quietly, then said, ‘Ralph, do you mind if I stay here with you for a couple of days? Not long!’ I said, looking up at him.

  ‘Of course, Martha! Would you like me to collect your bags? Where is the place you were supposed to stay?’

  ‘Oh, she gave me a card. Hang on. I’ll get it out of my bag,’ I said, rushing back in, with him following behind. ‘Here we are. Oh, hang on! I better give you the money to pay her. Pity, I didn’t even get to use the bloody bed!’ I said, moaning at me loss.

  ‘Never mind that, Martha. I will see to it,’ he said, looking at the card and putting it in his pocket. ‘You sleep on in the morning. You must have some rest. Then perhaps we can take a drive and stop somewhere for a spot of lunch. We will eat dinner at home, unfortunately; Madame would not brook otherwise. One must give fair warning of one’s intention not to return for dinner,’ he said, looking half-serious.

  ‘Really?’ I said, not too impressed with that idea. But not really believing it.

  ‘Oh, yes! Quite the tartar, our Madame Bouclé,’ he laughed. ‘She obviously has been spoilt, running this house according to her own wishes,’ he said, lifting his chin like he intends doing something about it.