The Cowboy Meets His Match

by Sarah Mayberry

  It was a version of the truth and shame curled through Jesse. He looked away from his brother’s angry glare, momentarily unable to hold his eye.

  “Here,” Jed said, and Jesse saw there was a slip of paper in his outstretched hand.

  It took him a second to recognize it was a check.

  “I don’t want that.”

  “Take it,” Jed said.

  “You need it. Don’t pretend you don’t.”

  Jed stepped closer and stuffed the check into the chest pocket of Jesse’s shirt, the movement sharp and aggressive.

  “I don’t want your fucking money.”

  Jed turned and started walking back to where he’d left Pedro. Jesse pulled the check from his pocket and stared at his brother’s slanted handwriting. He tore the check into halves, then quarters, and let them fall to the ground.

  Jed mounted his horse, said something to Casey, then took off in the direction of the house, Pedro stretched into a full gallop. Jesse could feel CJ watching him, and he willed her to keep her distance. He needed a moment to find his feet and he turned away, hoping CJ and his siblings would take the hint.

  You didn’t have the balls to stay.

  The accusation ricocheted around his mind, tearing away the polite pretense they’d all helped construct over the past decade and more.

  Because his brother was right—Jesse had left because he couldn’t face his family anymore. Because he couldn’t handle looking into their eyes and seeing their pain and grief and knowing that it was all his fault.

  He took a few steps forward, physically trying to move away from all the shit swirling around in his head and gut. It didn’t make any difference—his brother’s words still echoed in his head.

  He shouldn’t have tried to help. Shouldn’t have gotten involved. It had been a mistake, just like staying longer than a few days and offering to help out with the fencing had been a mistake.

  Jed didn’t want him here.

  And who could blame him?

  Not Jesse. He’d recognized eleven years ago that his presence was a burden his siblings shouldn’t have to bear. Casey and Sierra might not admit it, but it was easier for all of them when he wasn’t around. Jesse didn’t doubt for a moment that they loved him—but a part of them had to hate him, too, after what he’d done.

  Going away and staying away had been the last good thing he could do for them.

  The thought brought clarity, settling the maelstrom in his mind.

  If he’d stuck to his own rules, none of this would have happened. But it wasn’t too late to fix his mistake. He made some mental calculations as he stared into the distance.

  If he and CJ left this afternoon, they could make it to Helena by nightfall. There was a place he could stable Major on the outskirts of town, and he and CJ could find somewhere nice to stay and live it up for the final few days before the rodeo in Great Falls. He started to pull out his phone, then remembered there was no signal out here.

  Fine. He’d have to wait till they got back home and he could tap into the ranch’s Wi-Fi to solidify his plans. The important thing was that he had a plan, that he wouldn’t have to sit across the kitchen table tonight and look at his brother and remember the contempt in his face and voice as Jed stuffed the check into Jesse’s pocket.

  I don’t want your fucking money.

  At least they both knew where they stood now. No more games, no more polite bullshit.

  The thought brought a burning heat to the backs of his eyes and he had to blink a few times before he had a grip on himself.

  When he was confident he had himself under control, he glanced across and saw Sierra was watching him, a frown on her face, while Casey and CJ had started working on the next fence post. Squaring his shoulders, he started walking, the long grass whipping at his jeans. When he was close enough to be heard, he held up a hand and caught his sister’s eye.

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” he warned.

  Sierra opened her mouth, anger and concern flashing in her green eyes. Then she seemed to think twice about whatever she was going to say and shut her mouth with an audible click. He moved past her, pulling his work gloves back on before hefting the sledgehammer and joining CJ and Casey at the fence post.

  He heard his sister mutter a four-letter word, then she joined them, taking the drill from CJ when she was finished boring out the fence post. CJ passed a piece of rebar to Casey, who was balanced on an A-frame ladder. Once Casey had guided the metal rod down into the fence post, Jesse passed up the sledgehammer and Casey pounded the metal into the hole until it was well and truly embedded.

  No one said a word as they worked. He caught CJ studying him, her gaze troubled, but he simply gave her a tight smile and picked up the drill to move it to the next fence post. He’d barely taken a step before Sierra lost the battle to bite her tongue.

  “Come on, Jesse, this is bullshit. Will you please tell us what’s going on?”

  “It’s nothing you need to worry about,” Jesse said.

  “Right. You and Jed looking like you’re about to start pounding on each other is nothing to worry about,” Sierra scoffed.

  “That’s between me and Jed.”

  “Was it something to do with you coming back with more fencing supplies this morning?” Sierra asked.

  “Which part of ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ do you not get?” Jesse said.

  “Stop trying to shut me down. Something is clearly going on. You’re upset, Jed’s upset.”

  Jesse could feel the last of his patience draining away. He already felt raw after what Jed had said, and he was not about to offer himself up to Sierra for sisterly interrogation.

  “For God’s sake, can you just leave it?” he snapped.

  It came out more harshly than he’d it meant to and Sierra flinched. Then, because she was Sierra, she came out fighting.

  “You know, I have had it up to here with you and Jed and the taciturn cowboy schtick,” she said. “Why on earth don’t you just freaking sit down and talk to each other instead of acting like the world will fall apart if you talked about how you feel for a change?”

  He glared at his boots, counting to ten as he tried to keep a grip on his temper.

  “Leave it, Sierra,” Casey said, and Jesse shot his brother a grateful look.

  “I’m sick of leaving it. This family needs to start talking, and we’re going to start right now,” Sierra said stubbornly, her gaze not leaving Jesse’s face.

  Jesse returned her stare for a long beat, then tossed the drill onto the grass at his sister’s feet. He caught CJ’s eye. “I’ll see you back at the house.”

  He crossed to Major, caught up his reins and stuck his foot in the stirrup to lever himself into the saddle. Sierra stood shaking her head, hands on her hips, as he turned the horse and headed for home.

  The sooner he got out of here, the better. For all of them.

  Chapter Eighteen

  There was a long silence after Jesse’s departure. Then Sierra let out a string of four-letter words that would put a merchant marine to shame.

  CJ shifted uneasily, feeling very much the stranger in the midst of all this family turmoil. Every inch of her wanted to go after Jesse, but she’d committed to helping with the fencing and it went against the grain to simply abandon Casey and Sierra.

  Casey make a noise in the back of his throat and turned away.

  “Don’t tell me you agree with him?” Sierra asked, incredulous.

  “You’re not going to nag him into doing what you want,” Casey said.

  “You and I both know if I don’t nag nothing will ever change,” Sierra said. “You really want to spend Christmas every year wondering what excuse Jesse will come up with for not coming home?”

  Casey frowned. “They need to sort it out for themselves.”

  “They’ve had eleven years. My patience is officially worn out,” Sierra said.

  CJ went to collect the drill from the long grass, an action that drew the att
ention of both Carmodys.

  “Sorry,” Sierra said after a brief moment, a sheepish expression on her face.

  “You don’t need to apologize,” CJ said. She glanced at the fence. “We should finish this run, don’t you think?”

  Casey went to collect the fencing mesh, while Sierra picked up the wire cutters. The three of them worked with quiet efficiency to stretch wire across the three fence posts they’d just extended. When they were done, Casey started packing gear into the trailer.

  “No point pretending we’re going to get much done now,” he said.

  CJ shot him an appreciative look, wondering if he could sense how eager she was to go after Jesse.

  She helped pack away the rest of the equipment, feeling a stab of sympathy every time she caught sight of Sierra’s unhappy face. CJ had just spent a year grappling with her father’s inability to communicate his true feelings; she knew exactly how frustrating and confusing it was to be shut out when it was obvious serious shit was going down.

  Once the tractor was loaded, she and Sierra mounted their horses and pointed them homeward. Impatience ate at CJ and she itched to urge her horse into a gallop, but she told herself Jesse wasn’t going anywhere.

  Still, she was relieved when she spotted the house in the distance, and even more relieved when they rode into the yard. Sierra stretched out a hand for CJ’s reins as they dismounted outside the barn.

  “Go. I can take care of the horses.”

  “I can’t let you do that,” CJ said. Taking care of her own mount had been drummed into her from a young age.

  “Go talk to Jesse. Seriously,” Sierra said.

  After a beat, CJ handed her reins over. “Thank you.”

  She walked quickly around the side of the barn and along the path. The door was open to the Airstream and her shoulders dropped an inch or so.

  It was only then that she realized she’d half expected Jesse not to be here when she got back.

  He was sitting on the bed when she ducked into the trailer but came to his feet the moment he saw her.

  “Sorry for taking off like that. Sierra was driving me crazy,” he said.

  “Are you okay?” She moved forward, wanting to be close.

  The moment she laid hands on him she could feel the tension vibrating through him.

  “Sure.” He kissed her briefly, not quite holding her eye as he drew back. “Listen, I was thinking that you deserve some R and R after all this ranch work. A couple of days’ rest to make sure you’re ready to kick ass at Great Falls. If we leave before three, we can make Helena in time for dinner. There’s a bed and breakfast place in town I read about, supposed to be really nice. Then we can head up to Great Falls on Friday.”

  If her hand hadn’t still been resting on his chest, she wouldn’t have felt the way his body grew hard with tension as he waited for her response. She studied his face for a moment, trying to understand what was happening.

  “Okay. You want to go, we can go,” she said.

  The pec muscle beneath her hands softened with relief.

  “But I want to know why,” CJ added.

  Instantly he was tense again.

  “Didn’t you hear what I just said?” he asked, taking a step backward and ending the physical contact between them.

  “You didn’t give me a single reason why, Jesse. You just said you didn’t want to be here.”

  “Isn’t that enough?”

  It would be so easy to give in, to say yes and follow him to Helena and let all of this slide into the past but her gut told her that if they were to have any kind of future together she owed it to both of them to stand her ground.

  “You said last night that you want to have a future with me, that you want this to be about more than a few fun nights, but you won’t even give me a hint about what’s going on with you and Jed, or why you want to go early.”

  “Jed was pissed about me paying off the account. He said his piece; I said mine. I don’t want to hang around anymore.”

  It all sounded so reasonable, so matter-of-fact.

  “Why won’t you talk to me?” she asked quietly.

  He stared at her, a muscle flickering in his jaw. “I don’t know what you want me to say. Things are fucked between me and Jed. He doesn’t want me here. You’ve seen what it’s like. Me being home doesn’t make anyone happy.”

  “I don’t believe that for a second,” CJ said.

  “Look, none of this will even matter when we’re gone from here, okay? So why beat a dead horse?”

  “Because it matters to you.”

  Her words made him flinch, and pain flashed in his eyes.

  CJ moved closer. “If you could see your face right now… It kills me, Jesse. Please trust me with this. I promise I won’t let you down.”

  He stared at her. She could see he was equal parts tempted and terrified and her chest got tight. She reached out to catch his hand, squeezing it wordlessly, her eyes burning with unshed tears.

  She cared so much for this man, wanted so much for him to deal with whatever ghosts haunted him.

  “You don’t understand,” he said.

  “Help me to,” she said.

  He swallowed audibly, then fixed his gaze on their joined hands.

  “It’s my fault my parents are dead. It’s my fault they died that night.”

  It was so not what she’d been expecting that for a moment CJ couldn’t think. Then she blinked and her brain came back online.

  “I don’t understand. Were you driving?” she asked, confused.

  Neither Jesse nor Sierra had ever mentioned that detail when they talked about their parents’ deaths.

  “I was in town, getting into trouble with some guys from school. My folks were coming into town to pick me up from the sheriff’s office.”

  CJ chose her words carefully, aware she was navigating sensitive territory. “You think it was your fault because they were coming to pick you up?”

  Jesse stared at her as though he couldn’t fathom why she’d even need to ask that question.

  “It was my fault, CJ. They would never have been on that road if it hadn’t been for me. They’d still be alive. Jed wouldn’t have had to give up his whole life. Everything would be different.”

  The conviction in his voice, the certainty, sent a chill down her spine and she understood this was the gospel he lived his life by. Every day, Jesse Carmody woke up with the belief that his parents’ premature death was his fault, that the destruction of his family as he knew it, of his brother’s future, was at his door.

  The realization made her want to weep for him. Twelve years he’d been carrying this burden around with him.

  “Jesse, that accident could have happened anytime. How many times a week did they drive into town? Ten? Twenty?”

  “They were on the road that night because of me. Because of me,” he said, striking his chest with his fist.

  “Why did they crash? Tell me what went wrong,” she said, hoping if he gave her enough details she’d be able to make him see the fallacy of his belief.

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Yes, it does. Did they hit ice? Did a deer run across the road? Was there a pothole or some other problem? Because none of those things could possibly be your fault, Jesse.”

  “I don’t know all the details.” He half-turned away from her, desperate to be done with this conversation. “There was ice on the road. I think. They died when they had a head-on collision with another car.”

  “I’m sorry. That’s horrible. But you weren’t behind the wheel of that other car.”

  “Look, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but you can’t change the past, CJ. It is what it is.”

  CJ moved closer. She studied his face for a long moment, determined to find a way to get through to him. She could see the defeat in his eyes, the absolute acceptance of his own culpability, and she racked her brain for counter arguments.

  He stared down at her, his mouth stretching into a humorless smil
e.

  “See? There’s nothing you can say. Now do you see why I want to go?”

  Something he’d said earlier sprang to mind then: Me being home doesn’t make anyone happy. She closed her eyes as the true meaning behind his words hit her. Not only did Jesse blame himself, he believed his siblings did, too.

  Suddenly everything fell into place—his refusal to tackle Jed head-on about any financial difficulties the ranch might be having, his few and far between visits home when it was clear he loved being here, his confusion whenever Jed praised him or acted with affection.

  “Jesus, Jesse,” she said.

  For a moment she felt overwhelmed by the thought of all the pain this man carried around with him. It was monumental, epic. Biblical.

  And she understood in a flash of insight that there was nothing she could say or do to convince him he was wrong. This wasn’t something she could do for him. This was something Jesse needed to hash out with his family. Only they could set him free.

  “Where’s your bag?” Jesse asked.

  “You need to talk to Jed. You need to talk to all of them, tell them what you just told me.”

  He spotted the duffel Sierra had given her and threw it on the bed. A couple of her tops were folded on the kitchen counter and he tossed them into the bag. She caught his arm, forcing him to look at her.

  “Did you hear me?”

  “You think it’s news to them? You think they don’t know?” he asked.

  That was exactly what she thought. But what chance did she have of convincing him of that when he’d absorbed his own guilt into his very blood and bone?

  “You want us to go? I’ll come with you—but first you have to talk to Jed,” she bargained.

  “He said his piece today. I don’t need to hear more.” He said it firmly, flatly, shutting the door on further conversation.

  “What’s the worst thing any of them could say to you?” she challenged.

  He stared at her, his face pale. “Nothing that I haven’t said to myself a million times over.”

  “So why not talk to them?”

  “Because then I’d have their voices in my head as well as my own.”

  Her chest was so tight with emotion she could barely breathe as she stared at him. She didn’t know whether to hold him or shake him.