Following Bliss (The Quest series)

by Strang, Heather

  Daniel paused. And here was the tricky part of talking to Shelby about this. How did he let her know that she was his “destiny point and they were meant to also have a commitment ceremony or wedding even if they chose?” First, he was going to have to figure out what that even meant. He was going to need a little more time. So, he decided instead to say the first thing that popped into his mind, “She wants us to go visit her grave.”

  # # #

  While Shelby was surprised that Daniel’s mother had shown up at Kathryn and Scott’s not-wedding wedding to ask for their appearance at her grave (a place she obviously did not inhabit), she trusted that if that’s what the request had been, then it was what they should do. The following day, she went to meet Daniel at his place for a drive up to his mother’s grave, which was located at cemetery near Washington Park.

  It was a clear and much crisper November day than Kathryn and Scott’s ceremony , which meant Shelby bundled up in her black Ugg boots, skinny jeans (complete with knee-high socks underneath for added warmth), and a fitted black fleece zip-up to prepare for their time outside. She wasn’t sure how long they would be out there or what might occur, so she wanted to be prepared for anything.

  As she pulled up to Daniel’s studio, an eerie feeling came over her. Today was not a usual day and the grave visit that Daniel’s mother had requested was going to be more than dropping off some flowers and a few words. Shelby didn’t know what it was or what was going to happen, but she felt it distinctly inside of her—that something important was about to take place.

  When she walked into Daniel’s apartment, her intuition was confirmed. Daniel was dressed in a black turtleneck and dark jeans, with a wool jacket and heather gray scarf. His face was ashen. He seemed to be engrossed in re-arranging papers on his kitchen table, looking up briefly to give Shelby a strained smile when she came in.

  “Daniel, what’s going on? Are you okay?” Shelby walked over to him, reaching out for his hand.

  He looked up, with tears in his eyes. “Shelby. There’s something I didn’t tell you about this visit.”

  “That’s okay honey. You can tell me now if you want. Let’s sit down.” Shelby took him by the hand over to the edge of his bed.

  “So…going to my mom’s grave. Well, it’s something I haven’t done in a while.”

  “Oh, sweetie,” Shelby was slightly confused. “That’s okay. It’s not like you have to go see her. She comes to you now.” Shelby rubbed his back gently.

  He stiffened and pulled away, speaking with an edge in his voice.

  “And by a while, I mean since she passed—11 years. I haven’t been there ever actually. I never even went to her funeral.” Daniel put his hands to his face and his voice was muffled. “That’s why I couldn’t believe she was visiting me, and I wondered why she wasn’t angry with me. Which is why when you told me she was proud of me, I completely shut down and dis-engaged from you. I couldn’t fathom that she could feel that way about me, and I couldn’t handle the intensity of the feelings I was having. I have been a coward, I couldn’t face her or even pay her proper respect when she passed.”

  He took a deep breath in between sobs. Shelby sat still, listening intently, letting him process what he was feeling. “I didn’t think it would be a big deal to go out there with you after she came to me yesterday at the ceremony. But, as we’ve gotten closer to this afternoon, I feel this heaviness and guilt inside of me. How could I be so unloving to my mother? My mother, who worked so tirelessly when she was alive to take care of me, and who even now when she has crossed over has been working so tirelessly to help get me back on the right track. And then you…”

  His voice trailed off, followed by deep sobs. “You’ve been nothing but supportive and loving, even when I doubted that you were in fact getting messages from my mother. And taking you to the grave for the first time for me and for you is…more intense than I thought it would be.”

  Shelby sat next to him while he sobbed. She closed her eyes saying a silent prayer that he would be supported in connecting to the truth of the situation, that his mother held no grudges and that what mattered now was that he was showing his deep love and respect to her.

  After a few minutes, Daniel sat up, looking over at Shelby, his eyes red and blurry. She smiled. He was still the most handsome man she had ever laid eyes on. She reached out and smoothed his hair, leaning in and kissing him softly on the cheek. “I love you Daniel.”

  He squeezed her hand. “I love you Shelby. Thank you for letting me get that out. Logically I know this shouldn’t matter, but emotionally all of the guilt I’ve been feeling for so long is welling up and coming out. I don’t even know what kind of state her headstone will be in. I had to call my aunt to find out approximately where it would be located.”

  “Thank you for sharing where you’re at. I want you to know that I do not hold any judgment. I do not care about what happened in the past, all I care about is that we’re right here, right now, and we’re going to visit your mother’s grave. We know that she can communicate with us whenever she wants and vice versa. And now we’re going to visit a place that your family carved out as a location anyone could go to feel that connection—even though it exists anywhere, at any time.”

  Daniel wiped his face and nodded. “I totally agree, although I didn’t know any of this until the past two months. I think I need to forgive myself for not being able to do this 11 years ago. In many ways, visiting today will be like a new beginning. A beginning…” Daniel turned and faced Shelby, holding both of her hands. “that I get to have with you.”

  Shelby leaned in again, kissing him slowly.

  “So see, it’s perfect.”

  “It is perfect,” Daniel said, wrapping his arms tightly around Shelby.

  # # #

  “My aunt said it was near the far right corner of the cemetery,” Daniel said as he and Shelby climbed out of her black Prius.

  He pointed and the two began walking in that direction, hand-in-hand.

  “How are you feeling Daniel?” Shelby asked.

  “I actually feel lighter since sharing with you,” he said, squeezing her hand. “I feel ready to visit her grave and do what I came here to do.” In his other hand, Daniel held three sunflowers, his mother’s favorite flower. “You cannot not smile and look at a sunflower,” his mother used to say. Every time Daniel saw one, he would hear her words. Now, he could make himself and his mother smile by facing what he had long been avoiding. He didn’t even know why going to his mother’s grave was the first thing he said when Shelby asked about his mother’s request. But, he had a sense he was about to find out.

  Shelby wasn’t sure what it was Daniel came there to do, but she knew she supported him wholeheartedly. She couldn’t imagine being in his position, carrying around guilt and hurt for 11 years, only to realize that his mother had been with him the whole time, trying to communicate and connect with him.

  As they neared the area of the cemetery where Daniel believed his mother’s headstone to be, they began reading the names in search of Ann Tillman. They looked around for a bit, with no luck. Finally, Shelby said she would go further into the center of the cemetery to look while Daniel continued the search near the outside edges. She had walked several feet when she heard Daniel call out her name. His voice cracked when he tried to say more, so she knew he had found it. Shelby turned and ran back toward him. He was on his knees, brushing away grass and debris from the headstone, so he could see it clearly.

  Ann Tillman

  December 7, 1946 – September 7, 2002

  Following bliss. Nothing ever dies and nothing ever ends. We go on forever.

  Daniel and Shelby both stared at it, amazed.

  “She knew all along. She never said anything to me, but maybe she knew that death was simply a transition, not a final good-bye,” Daniel said.

  “Which would explain why she has been trying so desperately to reach out to you for all of these years,” Shelby said.

  “Go
d. I wonder how my life would have been different if I had visited this grave 11 years ago,” Daniel sighed, hanging his head.

  Shelby stood behind him, placing her hands on his shoulders. “Eleven years ago, you would not have been able to understand this message. You got it exactly when you needed to.”

  Just then, a small bird landed in front of them near the flowers Daniel had placed in a small plastic cup anchored into the grass around his mother’s grave. It looked at them, moving its small beady eyes up and then down, turned, and looked out beyond the cemetery and flew off.

  Daniel laughed between the tears that softly fell down his face. “Well, if that’s not a sign to validate what you just said, I don’t know what is.” He stood up. “And now, on to what we came here to do.” He looked over at Shelby and smiled, holding her hand firmly. Suddenly, he knew exactly why he had brought Shelby and himself to his mother’s grave. “Shelby, you have never been properly introduced to my mother and I thought it was time to rectify that.”

  Shelby beamed. He is seriously the most incredible man I’ve ever known. Who does this? My guy. She thought proudly.

  “Mom…I know that you knew Shelby was the girl for me before I did. And that’s why you began giving her messages. But, I wanted to introduce you to her in the proper way.” Tears streamed down Daniel’s face and Shelby too felt her eyes fill with tears.

  “Mom, I want you to meet the love of my life, Shelby Hanson. From the moment I met her, my life has been drastically altered for the best. I am a better man for knowing her. Thank you for your persistence in showing me what I needed to see all along. Shelby is my destiny point.” Daniel turned to Shelby.

  “Shelby, I want you to meet my mom, Ann. She is, as you know, persistent, kind, loving, and, as it turns out,” he said pointing to his mother’s headstone. “Wise beyond what I could have ever imagined. I would not be here without her and I could not be who I am today without the both of you. And I want to ask you Shelby, will you…will you move in with me? I love you and can’t wait to begin our life together.”

  Shelby could not contain her tears any longer, she felt overwhelmed with emotion. She and Daniel were going to be together for a very long time. And she had Ann to thank for that.

  “Yes, of course,” Shelby exclaimed through tears as she wrapped her arms around Daniel’s neck, kissing him repeatedly. After several minutes, she wiped her tears away, gathered herself together and faced Daniel’s mothers headstone.

  “Ann,” Shelby said. “It is my greatest honor to meet you. I want to thank you for bringing into this world such a creative, talented, and wonderful man. A man who makes my heart sing, and who, as you told me to me so long ago, is my destiny point as well. And I am so excited to share my life with him.”

  Daniel’s eyes widened. His mom had told Shelby that he was her destiny point all along?! He should have known. His mother had never been good at keeping secrets…

  Chapter 10

  After Daniel’s mother’s words to both Shelby and Daniel were out in the open and Shelby had agreed to move in with Daniel, things moved quickly and with ease. Daniel was going about his daily business when an email appeared in his inbox featuring a home that he knew would be perfect for him and Shelby. It was located in the Sellwood neighborhood of Portland, and was a small, craftsman-style home, complete with three bedrooms, composting, a small garden, and yard. He immediately contacted the owner to request a showing. Then, he forwarded the description and photos to Shelby. She called him roughly two minutes later.

  “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” she said with great urgency.

  “That this is the perfect house for us?” he responded.

  “Abso-freaking-lutely. Nice work babe! You have my a-okay to contact the owner.”

  “Well, actually Shelb, I already sent the email to see if we could view it either Wednesday or Thursday this week. Hope that’s okay.”

  “First the meditation, and now this. What am I going to do with you, Daniel?” Shelby teased.

  Since their time at the cemetery with Daniel’s mom, Daniel had felt more certain than ever before that Shelby was the woman he was meant to share his life with. He found himself easily thinking about their future and was taking steps to steer them in that direction. The week prior, he had suggested they do a meditation together to visualize their perfect home and call it into their lives. He had also started a conversation about marriage, and if that was something Shelby was interested in. Her answer had surprised him, and it was something he was still trying to process.

  She had paused for quite some time when he had asked her what her thoughts were on marriage. This made his heart skip a beat. They had just finished watching the movie Sleepwalk With Me at The McMenamins Kennedy School, and the entire film centered on the topic of whether to get married and why it was (or wasn’t important).

  After a few moments of elongated silence, Shelby uncrossed her legs and turned to face him. They were the only ones left in the theater, unable to leave the cozy couch they had scored to watch the film.

  “Daniel, I love you and I definitely see a future together. But, after talking with Kathryn about the not-wedding versus a wedding, and then being there for their ceremony, I feel like it’s important to create a new paradigm. I don’t want to sign up for marriage as it is now.”

  Daniel was silent, he had hoped she would have chirped with glee, “Yes!” She was sending the whole topic of marriage in another direction he hadn’t considered. He had assumed that Kathryn and Scott were new age hippies making a statement. He hadn’t realized their statement had a profound impact on his love.

  “Daniel,” Shelby placed her hand on his arm. “I don’t want to drive a minivan.” She laughed and Daniel smiled.

  “Shelby. By no means does marriage require you to drive a minivan. I swear. Scouts honor.” He held his two fingers up to show his solidarity.

  “I know. But it’s more than that. I don’t want to cook dinner every night and not work. Or be unable to manifest the highest level of abundance I desire, because I’m a wife. And while there’s nothing wrong with any of these things—even the minivan—they aren’t for me. Now, I don’t think you require any of these things, but what happens is that these roles of husband and wife carry a powerful energy with them. And when people enter into that union, they often end up playing out what they saw growing up as the roles of husband and wife. It’s totally unconscious, but it happens all the time. I want to be part of changing that paradigm. And I think part of that is creating a whole new one that energetically doesn’t carry the weight that the institution of marriage does.”

  “You think the institution of marriage is irreversibly flawed?

  “It seems that way sometimes, yes. But I do know that change is possible. And I’m suggesting that maybe that change comes from creating a new paradigm of commitment. Either way, are we in a hurry? Is there any reason we have to figure this out now? I’m sure after we’ve been together a while, we’ll both have a more well-rounded outlook. We can allow it to flow—and have marriage and children be part of the distant future while we enjoy the deliciousness of the now.”

  “I’m not in a hurry per se…but I did want to see where you were at with things, because it’s certainly on my mind. When would you want to re-evaluate this?”

  “How about 10 years?” Shelby said with a nervous laugh.

  “Really?” Daniel didn’t realize her feelings around marriage were so strong. “Cause I was thinking more like two.”

  “Sweetie, how about we meet up with Kathryn and Scott at some point and talk to them about it? They could maybe explain it to you in a way that made more sense. I think I’m so nervous about having this conversation with you that I’m jumbling things up.”

  Daniel didn’t want to lie, he felt disappointed. Some part of him always thought he would get married some day and do the traditional thing of having a wife, having her take his name, and then bringing a few kids into the world. He didn’t know what a new
paradigm looked like for this. Shelby was certainly bringing in a whole new way of looking at relationships into this world.

  “Honey,” Shelby said leaning in to him, her face lying softly on his shoulder.

  “Yes, Shelby,” Daniel said.

  “Is this a deal-breaker for you?” she practically whispered.

  Daniel turned to face her, her beautiful green eyes looking innocently into his. What Shelby didn’t know, and that he couldn’t say right then, was that nothing would ever be a deal breaker when it came to her. The messages from his mother, the healing, and abundance that had occurred since she entered his life was more than enough to solidify to him that he was hers—forever. Instead, he just answered quietly, shaking his head.

  “Absolutely not. We’ll move forward when it feels right.”

  But living together did feel totally right for the two of them—in fact, it seemed to be in perfect alignment. So, when Daniel saw the email for the house, he couldn’t hesitate. Everything within him said, “Go for it.”

  “I’ll let you know as soon as I hear back from the woman, so we can go see this place, which I am now going to start calling our home.”

  Shelby giggled. “Have I mentioned how incredible I think you are?”

  “Uh no, you haven’t. Maybe you should amp that up a bit.”

  “Well, you’re the most amazing man ever! And I intend to tell you this on a regular basis. But, in the meantime, I have to get back to slaving away here at Hello Portland. Don’t feel sorry for me though, I just sold 10 new pieces of jewelry on Etsy and got asked to do a holiday party for one of the gals who works here. I may be a solopreneur sooner rather than later.”

  “Congrats Shelb! That’s awesome. With our new place and the three bedrooms, you can have a room for your business and I’ll have a room for mine, and then one left over for both of us and all the sexy, naughty, delicious things I plan to do to you when we get to sleep together every night. We’ll just call in a new, bigger house when we start having kiddos in what— 10 years you said?“