Anger Is a Gift Sneak Peek

by Mark Oshiro

  Moss threw his hands up in the air as he let out a breath of relief. “Honestly, this makes this so much easier,” he said. “I’m always so anxious and I’d, like, convinced myself that you’d dated a ton of guys before me.”

  “Why didn’t you just ask me?”

  “What, in front of your mom?”

  “Ha, not what I meant, but I’m sure she would have keeled over if you had.”

  “I don’t know!” Moss exclaimed. “I don’t know how close you are with her!”

  “Well, would you tell me you found me attractive in front of your mom?”

  Moss thought about that for a second and said, “Actually, yeah. We’re pretty close.”

  “My mom doesn’t give me a hard time for being gay or anything, but we sort of keep most of it to ourselves.” He leaned over to nudge Moss with his shoulder. “She does like you, though.” A smile spread across Javier’s face, showing off his straight teeth, which Moss found inexplicably hot. That’s new.

  “Really?” Moss said. “She likes me?”

  “It’s only a theory, but that whole dishwashing thing was like … the most crucial thing you could have done to win her over. I wasn’t joking. I think she just doesn’t want me to like a total jerk.”

  Well, this is unexpected, Moss thought.

  “You’re pleased with yourself, aren’t you?” Javier said. “Oh my god, you totally are.”

  Moss frowned. “Damn it, am I seriously that obvious? Why does everyone always seem to know what I’m thinking?”

  Javier laughed, his eyes lighting up, and Moss wanted so badly to kiss him at that moment. “You’re very.…” He paused. “You’re expressive, Moss. It’s like … your face says a lot in a very short amount of time.”

  “Is that so?”

  “Yeah, because I get the sense you would like to kiss me.”

  Moss laughed at that, a full roar that ended when he clamped his hand over his mouth. Javier looked briefly hurt, but Moss reached out and rubbed Javier’s leg. “Oh, I’m sorry I reacted like that,” he said. “I absolutely want to kiss you, but you are just so extra, man.”

  Javier beamed. “My mamá says I should be an actor because I’m so dramatic.” He paused. “Are you sure you’re okay with this? We don’t really know each other well. We kinda just met.”

  Moss knew it was time for him to be bold. “Just shut up and hold still.”

  He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Javier’s. They were soft, full, and as Moss tilted his head to the side, he felt Javier’s tongue gently run across his own lips, and then Javier’s hand moved to Moss’s leg, and the electricity spread along his spine, into his hands, and he found his own hand clasped over Javier’s, feeling Javier’s smooth skin with his fingertips. He didn’t know any other way he could describe this sensation except to say that it felt right, as if he was always supposed to do this.

  Javier pulled away, and Moss lost himself briefly in those eyes, those eyes that were so dark that in dimmer light, they could have been black. “Wow,” said Moss. “That was my first kiss.”

  “You okay?” Javier asked, his eyes searching Moss for an answer.

  Moss smiled, genuine joy filling his face, and said, “Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay.”

  Javier set the controller down and pulled Moss to him, into his chest, and Moss spun slowly over so that he was looking up at Javier’s face. Javier had an arm looped over his chest, his fingers gently exploring Moss’s left arm. Moss was still nervous, though the energy came from excitement instead of fear. It was the excitement of possibility, because Moss had never been touched like this by another guy, had never felt like someone could even think about him this way, so he just closed his eyes and existed right in that very moment, Javier’s hands exploring him.

  One hand ran down Moss’s chest, lightly, fingertips just grazing his T-shirt. When Javier got to Moss’s stomach, Moss reached up and directed the hand back toward his chest. “Not yet,” he said. “Please.”

  “So, we should turn the game off, right?” said Javier.

  “Oh, no,” he said. “We can keep playing if you want!” Moss started to lift himself away from Javier, but Javier held him down with his right hand.

  “No, stay. Like that.”

  Moss smiled, bashful. Javier turned the TV off, and he could see himself and Javier reflected in the screen, the light from the streetlamp falling on them both, covering them in shadows and bars of brightness. Javier began to run his hand along Moss’s short-cropped hair, and then dug his fingers in, scratching, and Moss found it relaxing and soothing.

  “Tell me,” Javier said, “what you’re going to do.”

  “About what?” Moss said, his voice quiet, calm.

  “About your locker predicament.”

  “Well, a bunch of my friends and I are gonna meet at a coffee shop tomorrow and vent, but … I really don’t think anything will come of it?”

  “You’re just going to let your school treat y’all like prisoners?”

  “What can I do, man? It’s not like we have the power to change anything. We live in Oakland, this is how it is. It’s nothing new. No one trusts us.” He closed his eyes, not to get lost in thought, but to quell the rising anger within him. No, Moss, he told himself. Not now. “Why are you so interested in this anyway?”

  “Don’t you care?”

  “I guess, but … caring is all I can do.”

  Javier was silent.

  Now Moss sat up, staring directly into Javier’s dark eyes. “Okay, what? Tell me what you’re thinking.”

  “I said something wrong, didn’t I?” he asked.

  Moss dismissed him with a hand wave. “Nah, it’s no big deal. You’re fine. It’s just a sensitive subject, you know? What with my dad and protests and stuff.”

  Javier gripped Moss’s hand tightly. “Sorry, I’ll change the subject. We don’t have to talk about this.” While Moss was instantly relieved, part of him worried that he’d just pushed Javier away. Am I ever going to be normal? Why do I always feel so wrong?

  But Javier pulled Moss to him again, only this time they faced each other, and Javier brought them back down on the couch. He wrapped his leg around Moss’s and squeezed his hand. Moss felt moisture and thought his palms had started sweating again, but it was Javier’s sweat this time. Moss went still, and he could feel Javier’s heart beating against his chest.

  It was racing even faster than Moss’s was.

  The two enjoyed the warmth of each other’s bodies, and Moss realized something for the first time: It was possible for someone to like him. Maybe this wouldn’t last; Moss didn’t have that much faith in himself. But Moss believed in this single moment. He believed that Javier enjoyed him on his couch, in his arms, and in his life. For the moment.

  They pulled away from each other when they heard the sound of the front door unlocking, but Moss still stayed close sitting up. He looked to Eugenia, who came into the foyer carrying two large plastic bags. He darted up to help her, and she thanked him. “What have you two been up to?” Eugenia asked. “You got that guilty look on your face, mijo.”

  “We have been perfect angels,” said Moss, putting the food on the counter near the stove. “We were just … getting to know each other.”

  She looked to her son. He nodded at her, then looked to Moss. “Just talking about school and some stuff Moss is dealing with.”

  “What stuff?” Javier’s mother gave Moss a suspicious look.

  He started telling her about the lockers as she unpacked the Styrofoam containers, the smell of pupusas and frijoles and rice filling the room, and he realized that he had dreamed of something like this. Maybe the details were different, and maybe he hadn’t anticipated the strangeness of meeting a boy’s mother on their first date (if he could even call it that), but this comfort he had … he had wanted this for a long time.

  11

  “I hope people actually show up,” Moss said, shuffling from one foot to the other. He and Esperanza stood outside of
Farley’s, and Moss felt more nervous than he had in a long time. Esperanza reached out and grabbed his arm, steadying him.

  “Moss, stop moving. You’re making me nervous,” she said.

  “Sorry, sorry, I can’t help it,” he said. “You know me: always thinking of the worst.”

  “Well, if no one does, we could do some sort of petition thing at the farmer’s market instead,” Esperanza offered. Moss leveled a look at her that made her laugh. “Okay, I know what you’re going to say.”

  “That it’s a terrible idea?”

  “Well, not in general, but yeah. No one who goes to that market is going to care about metal detectors in West Oakland.”

  “For such a huge group of bougie hippies, they sure don’t care about much of anything,” Moss said. “Remember when we tried to have that fund-raiser for Reg?”

  Esperanza groaned and nodded. They had set up a table on the corner of Grand and MacArthur and stacked it high with every Tupperware container they had between the four of them. Kaisha’s mother had baked brownies and cookies all night, and their little fund-raiser lasted ten minutes before they were ordered to move. A younger woman who couldn’t have been a few years older than them had said that without a proper permit, they couldn’t be associated with the farmer’s market.

  “But it’s for our friend’s surgery!” Kaisha had exclaimed, gesturing to Reg, who was in a wheelchair at the time. “He needs it badly.”

  The woman had made a face. “Well, you’re not going to make much money for him anyway,” she said. “You should probably go across the street and sell it in the park.”

  “How much is a permit?” Esperanza quizzed.

  “More than you can afford,” the woman shot back, giving them a smile that dripped with condescension. So they had crossed the street and set up on the corner opposite where they once were. They’d lasted fifteen minutes there before the Oakland PD kicked them out for the exact same reason: lack of a permit. Esperanza had wanted to stay and yell, but Moss pulled her away. They had ended up just giving a bunch of brownies to group of homeless men and women near the lake.

  Kaisha rolled Reg up to the coffee shop next. “What’s up, guys?” Reg said. Moss reached out and grabbed Reg’s hand, and Reg pulled him close and patted him on the back. “Good turnout, I see.”

  “Where are your crutches, Reg?” Esperanza asked.

  “I’m wiped,” he replied. “Kaisha came over and helped me get to BART.”

  She flashed them all a smile. “Anything for my Reg,” she said, rubbing his bare head with her hand. He grinned at them, and Moss thought of Javier. Maybe that could be us someday.

  A large group of familiar faces rounded Broadway onto Grand, and Moss’s heart leapt. Njemile gracefully led the group, and she wore a stunning red summer dress, making Moss feel like maybe he should have dressed up. Trailing behind her, Bits and Rawiya were chatting, and Shawna brought up the rear. He was surprised and pleased that she’d been able to make it.

  As they started to greet one another, Esperanza darted inside, making sure they could get the space upstairs before anyone else claimed it. Thankfully, she returned quickly enough, as the group’s conversation had turned into a mass interrogation about Moss’s love life.

  “Oh, come on, honey!” Njemile said loudly. “You’ve got to give us something. We heard that there is a boy that you hung out with.”

  “How the hell did you find out about that?”

  “Moss, do you think your mom doesn’t tell everything to my moms?”

  “Javier,” Esperanza announced as she rejoined the group, before Moss could act scandalized. They all turned to stare at her. “His name is Javier.” In the shocked silence, she gestured behind her. “Now come on, everyone. I got us a space upstairs.”

  As she turned back in to Farley’s, her comments ignited everyone in conversation again. Njemile sidled up to Moss. “Lemme get your drink,” she said, latching on to Moss. “Consider it my treat since you’re finally joining the queer family.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Moss asked.

  “Well, we’ve all been wondering when you’d actually act on your illicit urges ever since you came out.”

  Moss gaped at her. “You have?”

  “That’s not to say you weren’t gay before,” Bits said, butting in. “We just know you’re a hottie, that’s all.”

  “I am just trashing you,” said Njemile. “You would be perfectly queer even if you never dated anyone ever.”

  If Moss could have turned scarlet, he would have. “Well, thanks,” he said. “Next time, I’ll bring my mama’s potato salad to the gay cookout.”

  “You got a photo of him?” Shawna asked as the others laughed. “I wanna see.”

  “Actually … no. He’s not the Facebook type. More of a Snapchat or texting guy.”

  Shawna pulled out her phone. “I hung out with this guy from Eastside last week,” she said, flipping through her photo album. She showed Moss a pic of a light-skinned guy with a dust of a mustache and a flattop.

  “Damn, he’s cute,” Moss said, but he frowned. “Weren’t you seeing that one girl, though? The cheerleader?”

  “Ah, you mean Makayla.” Shawna got quiet. “She … well, she wasn’t too into girls who aren’t exclusive to girls.”

  Njemile placed a hand on Shawna’s arm sympathetically. “She’s simply not evolved,” she said.

  “A dinosaur,” Moss added.

  “A relic of a time we have since passed,” Njemile said.

  “Put her in a museum,” Moss said. “With a placard reading, ‘Cannot deal with bisexuals.’”

  They broke into giggles right as Njemile gently pushed Moss forward to order. He was too anxious for caffeine, so he grabbed a lemonade. Moss carried up Reg’s folded wheelchair as they then headed upstairs. “I wish this place had an elevator,” Reg said, panting as he sat down in the closest chair.

  “I’m sorry, Reg,” Esperanza said. “I should have thought of that. We don’t have to come here.”

  “You know how I feel about their cookies, though,” Reg said, smiling and wiping sweat away from his forehead. “I’ll be fine, promise.”

  “Next time,” Esperanza said, pulling Moss aside, “we go to a place without stairs.” He nodded at her, and they began to pull the chairs in the loft into a loose circle, making sure to leave a space for anyone who needed to go use the bathroom. Within a few minutes, nearly everyone had their snacks or drinks, and they’d gathered around Esperanza. Moss knew she was much better at organizing this sort of thing; he’d lost track of how many different clubs she had joined and/or been in charge of over at Piedmont High. The group seemed to naturally defer to her as the leader.

  Still, what good could possibly come out of this? He did a quick head count: eight. That made eight people who were supposed to stand up against the entire administration, if that was even their goal.

  But they had to try, right?

  Esperanza tapped on her mug of tea with a spoon, and the noise caused everyone to quickly quiet down. She laughed as the echo grabbed everyone’s attention, then said, “I’ve always wanted to do that.”

  “Quick, it’s going to her head!” Moss cried out, his hand over his heart. She stuck her tongue out at him, and he answered, “Love you, too.”

  “Anyway, I know that this may seem a little overwhelming to y’all. After this weekend, the metal detectors go in at your school—” She paused perfectly so everyone could boo and hiss in response to this. “—and it doesn’t seem like there’s anything we can do to stop that. So, I think we should focus on how we can get more of the kids at school on your side.”

  “For what?” Njemile asked. “What’s our endgame?”

  “Well,” Kaisha said to the group, “ideally, we should try to get enough people to stage some sort of protest.” She looked back to Esperanza. “Maybe you can get some of those Piedmont kids to help.”

  “Ugh, I wouldn’t count on it,” she said. “I think you should f
ocus mostly on your own school.”

  “It needs to be big enough so that they can’t punish everyone without risking an enraged student body,” Rawiya added.

  “But how?” Reg asked. “I mean, I know all of you, so that’s why I came.” Kaisha stared at him, her brow furrowed. He quickly added, “Well, and I don’t want the metal detectors in our school. That, too.”

  “Yeah, this is not exactly something most people are willing to care about,” Shawna said. “Most people I talked to just think it’s another thing we’ll have to accept. Like the random locker searches.” She frowned deeply at that.

  “How are you doing, by the way?” Moss asked. “I haven’t been seeing you at school.”

  “Thankfully, the bump on my head was just a mild concussion, so I wasn’t hurt too bad.” Her hand went to the spot just below her throat, almost instinctively. “Still sore here.”

  “Please tell me your parents are gonna sue the hell out of the school and the district,” said Njemile. “I mean, there’s so much video evidence of what that cop did to you.”

  “Yeah, that’s gotta work in your favor,” said Reg.

  Shawna smiled weakly. “My pop’s talking to some lawyers, but that stuff takes time. We gotta do something ourselves soon or this is just gonna get worse.”

  “Well, if we’re going to convince people this is worth it, then we have to be able to explain why,” Esperanza said. “So what are each of you gonna say to people?”

  “They’re invasive.”

  They all turned to Bits, who had been characteristically silent the entire time.

  “Bits, breaking the ice!” Esperanza exclaimed. “Would you like to elaborate on what you meant by ‘invasive,’ Bits?”

  “The whole system assumes the worst of everyone,” they said evenly. “They got us worryin’ about whether we’re gonna set it off instead of focusin’ on school.”

  Esperanza nodded her head. “It’s a distraction!”