Anger Is a Gift Sneak Peek

by Mark Oshiro

  Esperanza smiled. “Ooooh, a surprise?”

  “A meeting place.”

  They were speechless at first, and Njemile tilted her head, her eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Meeting for what?”

  “You remember that old church we used to go to over on Oak, Moss?” Wanda asked. When he nodded, she continued. “I called up the reverend. He said we can use it.”

  “For…?” Moss said.

  “For us. For the students, for the parents, for the community. Anyone who wants to stop this from happening again.”

  “You’re serious, aren’t you?” Esperanza said, her eyes wide.

  “Why wouldn’t I be serious?” Wanda said. “My son wasn’t exaggerating. I have connections. People I used to rally with. Many who helped us after things went bad.”

  “Mama, that’s great,” Moss said, the tension in his chest slowly receding. “You think you can actually get people to help?”

  “Yeah,” she said, nodding to him. “You get who you can to show up, I’ll handle the rest.” She sat back down on the couch and leaned forward, her attention on Moss and his friends. “So what are y’all doing for outreach?”

  “We’re mostly using the internet,” Njemile said. “Kaisha’s got that down, but we’ll be talking to kids at school, too. But we were worried about how to organize all these people. We can’t meet in school; the staff would get too nervous. And it would be too obvious.”

  Wanda nodded. “You gotta get this message out as clandestinely as possible,” she said, “without letting the administration know what you’re doing. How will y’all communicate with folks online?”

  “We’re thinking a private Facebook group,” Moss said. “That was Kaisha’s idea. She probably already set it up.” He laughed. “She’s already mad as hell. We won’t need to tell her twice.”

  “Good,” she said, her eyes alight with warmth as she looked at Moss. “Anger is a gift. Remember that.” She stood. “You gotta grasp on to it, hold it tight and use it as ammunition. You use that anger to get things done instead of just stewing in it.” She sighed. “Trust me, y’all.”

  For a moment, she seemed to be looking at something else. “Mama?” Moss said.

  “When Morris died,” she said, still staring off in the distance, “there were days when I couldn’t even get out of bed. You remember that, baby?”

  He nodded. “I missed a day of school once, back in fifth grade.”

  “I felt so terrible about that,” she admitted, her gaze back on Moss, “not because I was sad or angry. But because I didn’t channel that anger into anything. I just let it grow until it consumed me.”

  “Aw, Mama,” said Moss, his heart sinking.

  She smiled gently at him. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t grieve. Or just give up and let the sadness or anger take you over. But what’s the step after that?”

  “That’s when you started organizing those rallies, wasn’t it?” Moss said. “I remember. You used to be up hella late calling people.” He laughed. “I used to sit at the edge of my room, y’all. Ear pressed to the door. I told myself you were talking to the president.”

  Wanda whooped at that. “Really? You never told me that.”

  “Well, that’s because I grew up and realized you probably weren’t talking to Obama every night.”

  “Oh, Moss,” said Esperanza. “You are my absolute favorite.”

  “So, Facebook group,” Wanda said, wiping at a glassy eye. “How y’all gonna get that passed around without raising suspicions?”

  Njemile’s face lit up. “A party,” she said.

  “What you mean?” Moss said.

  “Make them party invitations. For a party this Friday night. We can tell people in person what the invites are really for, but we should design the cards and the Facebook group so that it looks like it’s really a party.”

  Wanda whistled. “That’s good, Njemile. That’s real good.”

  “I’ll tell Kaisha about it tonight,” Esperanza said, standing up. “I’m gonna swing by the hospital on my way home. My parents are actually expecting me home tonight, so I need to be there.”

  “You tell Rebecca and Jeff I said hello,” Wanda said. “And you keep us updated on Reg, okay?”

  “Will do,” Esperanza replied. Before she left, she snapped her fingers. “Come over Wednesday, Moss, Njemile,” she said. “Invite the others, too. Let’s do some more planning.”

  “At your place?” Moss said. “Are you sure your parents are gonna be okay with that?”

  “Yeah,” she said. “I mean, they’re pretty liberal. I’m sure that once they hear the news themselves, they’ll want to get involved.”

  “That okay, Mama?” Moss said.

  “Of course, baby,” she said.

  “And bring Javier,” Esperanza said, and she shut the door before Moss could disagree.

  “I should probably get going, too,” Njemile said, stretching out before putting her sweater on. “Thanks for lettin’ us come over, Wanda.”

  “Anytime, honey,” she said, and embraced Moss’s friend in a hug. “You make sure Ekemeni knows I’m coming over for her suya this weekend, okay? I ain’t missing that. And tell Ogonna I said hello, too!”

  Njemile laughed and flashed her bright smile at Wanda, her face aglow with joy. “I will, I promise.” She planted a kiss on Moss’s cheek before she bounced out of their home, the door slamming shut behind her.

  Wanda plopped down on the couch next to Moss, draping an arm around him. “How you doin’, Moss?”

  He sighed. “Better, honestly. It’s been … a weird day,” he admitted. “A weird week, actually.”

  She reached up with her left hand and stroked his scalp with her nails, and it calmed him down instantly. “I know,” she said. “Weird and scary.”

  “I’m just glad Reg is okay. Well, relatively okay, I suppose.” He paused and looked at her. Her eyes sparkled with affection, adoration. “Why are you doing this with us?”

  “Because,” she said, “I’m not going to lose someone I love again.”

  She kissed him on the temple, stood up, and walked into the next room. Moss sat there and listened to her call up one person after another, asking how they were and if they had any time this upcoming Friday evening to help her out. She called Shamika. Then Martin. Then Dawit. He sat there, the TV muted in the background, and he felt at home again, a strange sensation after such an intense day.

  He pulled out his phone and gasped at the missed-call notification from Javier. He hadn’t even felt his phone ring! He opened his phone and called him back, and Javier picked up on the second ring.

  “Hey!” Javier said, and he was clearly out of breath. “Glad you called me back.”

  “Sorry, I was just … lost. In conversation. I didn’t feel my phone vibrate.”

  “No worries,” he said. “I figured you might be busy.”

  Moss paused at that. “Why?”

  Javier sucked in his breath. “I saw the news. About your school. That guy your friend?”

  “Ah, that,” he said. “Yeah. Pretty good friend, actually.”

  “I’m sorry, man.” Javier fell into silence. “Look, I know this might be a bad time, but I’m in the neighborhood. One of my biking buddies lives off 11th. Can I stop by?”

  Moss leapt at the chance to feel something other than dread or fear. “Yeah, man, come on over. Anything to get my mind off all this. I’ll text my address.”

  “Sweet! See ya soon.”

  Moss sent over his address, but then immediately second-guessed himself. He got up from the couch and found his mother about to dial another number on her phone. “Hey, Mama…”

  She looked up. “I know that tone,” she said. “What is it, Moss?”

  “So, I kinda didn’t think this through,” he began, “and I probably should have asked you first, buuuuut…” He sighed. “I kinda invited Javier over just now?”

  She put her phone down. “You sure you’re up for that, baby?”

  �
�Oh god, yes,” he said. “Even if he’s just purely a distraction, I just need … I dunno, something good to happen.”

  “Then if it’s good for you, I’m all for it.” She stood up, stretched her arms up above her head. “It’ll be nice to finally meet him.” She shook her head. “Already,” she added.

  “Don’t worry, Mama,” he said. “Me and him aren’t really moving that fast. I promise that he won’t ask you for permission for my hand in marriage next week.”

  She laughed as there was a knock on the door. That was fast, though, Moss thought, and he maneuvered his way to the living room as quickly as he could. There Javier stood on the stoop, a giant grin on his face. “Honestly, I really was in the neighborhood,” he said. “Where should I leave my bike?”

  “You can leave it here in the entryway,” Wanda said as she came into the room. “We don’t have much room otherwise, and I wouldn’t advise leaving it out front.”

  Javier laughed, and Moss loved the way his whole face lit up when he did. It was pure, real. “Don’t worry, Ms. Jeffries,” he said. “I already had a bike stolen outta my yard a couple years ago.” He stuck his hand out. “Javier. Nice to meet you!”

  She shook it and smiled back. “Nice to meet you, too, Javier.”

  Javier reached out and ran his hand up and down Moss’s arm. “Hi, amigo. Good to see you, too.”

  That familiar heat ran to his face, and Moss stuttered a reply. “S-same to you,” he said. He couldn’t believe this was happening, and he had not prepared himself for Javier and his mama to be in the same room.

  “You need anything to drink?” Wanda asked. “Come into the dining room.”

  “Just water,” said Javier, and as Wanda turned, he darted over and planted a kiss on Moss’s cheek. “Didn’t want to miss a chance to do that,” he said quietly.

  Moss grabbed Javier’s hand and led him into the next room.

  “What you doin’ in the neighborhood, Javier?” Wanda asked, handing him a glass of water.

  He took it and gulped down half of it. “Spent the afternoon riding bikes with my buddy Jamal,” he said. “I just dropped him off down the street, figured I would check in with Moss here.”

  “Well … it’s been a weird day,” said Moss.

  “Yeah, I can imagine. Your friend doing okay?”

  Moss shrugged. “He’s out of surgery now. I’m just glad he’s alive.”

  “Man, that’s so scary,” said Javier. “I know you were worried about those machines before, but I’d be terrified of them now.”

  “Hopefully, the school won’t turn them back on,” said Wanda. “But we’ll have to see.”

  She gestured for Javier to sit down at the table, and he followed her, sitting down on the far side. “I did actually have something to ask about tomorrow.”

  Moss winced. “I don’t know how tomorrow will be, what with all the stuff happening at school.”

  “You think you’ll be free for dinner?”

  Moss looked to his mama. “Isn’t Shamika coming over tomorrow night? I don’t want to skip out on her.”

  “Oh, I meant both of you.”

  Moss and Wanda looked from Javier to each other, and then back. “Wait, what?” Moss said.

  “Look,” Javier began, “my mamá is pretty excited about you, but I think she’d feel a lot better about us hanging out if she met your family, too. I explained that it’s just the two of you, and she suggested making a meal for all four of us.”

  Wanda smothered a giggle, and Javier glared at her. “Sorry,” she said, “it’s just that Moss was saying that you two weren’t rushing things yet, and here you are, inviting us to dinner at your place.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” said Javier, his gaze dropping down. “You know, you’re right, maybe it is too—”

  “Of course we’ll come,” interrupted Wanda.

  Moss gaped at her. “Really? You’re okay with it?”

  She nodded at him. “What did you just say? Something about wanting good things to happen?”

  “So I can tell my mamá yes?” Javier said, his eyes alight with excitement.

  He looks so cute when he does that, Moss thought. He watched Javier wordlessly as he called his mother, and Moss sent out a silent thanks to the universe, to whomever might be listening. He didn’t expect this gift, but he wasn’t going to refuse it, either.

  15

  Moss wasn’t sure if what coursed through his body was excitement or dread.

  They were near the back of the bus, the one that ran down MacArthur alongside the 580 freeway. It wasn’t as bumpy a ride as it used to be, so Moss wasn’t worried that he’d get a headache. He felt fine otherwise, but there was a tightness in his chest.

  “Mama, I’m nervous,” Moss said. He leaned into her arm as the bus took a turn a little too sharply, and she wrapped it around him, pulling him in close.

  “I know,” she said. “I’m sure it feels awkward that I’m coming along.”

  “No, it’s not that,” he said, smiling. “I think you’ll like Ms. Perez. She’s nice. And funny. She doesn’t think she’s funny, but she is. Don’t let her fool you.”

  “Then what is it?” Wanda asked.

  “I dunno,” said Moss. “Maybe I’m just nervous in general. I just want him to like you.” He paused. “And me.”

  “Ah, Moss, to be young and in love again,” she said.

  He frowned at her. “I’m not in love, Mama. Least not yet.”

  “I know, I know. But I remember how huge everything felt when I was your age.” She swiveled to the side so that she was now facing him. “I’m sure this feels like one of the biggest moments of your whole life, right?”

  “Yeah, I guess,” Moss said, his heart still pounding.

  “Good. Don’t forget that. That kind of excitement will keep you alert.”

  “Maybe,” he said, “but I wish I could calm down about these things.”

  She pursed her lips. “You talk to Constance about that?”

  He shook his head. “Not yet. To be honest, it’s been hard to talk about this with anyone. I keep finding ways to avoid the subject with Esperanza, and I usually tell her everything, Mama.”

  Wanda reached up and pressed the button to call for a stop. “It’s new for you,” she said. “Your father was my first love, you know. And even though I like to portray myself as calm and collected, he kind of sent my heart into a tailspin. It’s not a pretty thing to deal with.”

  They both stood up and headed for the rear doors. “What do you mean?” Moss asked.

  The doors opened, and Wanda waved at the driver and shouted a thanks. They stepped out onto MacArthur Boulevard, the sound of traffic on the nearby freeway roaring in their ears. “Well, you ever feel like Javier has invaded your heart and mind?”

  “Well … yeah,” he admitted. “And it feels weird because I don’t know if it’s the same with him. He always comes off as so carefree whenever we hang out, and I’m always a nervous wreck.”

  They hooked a right on Park Street and headed toward the Perez residence. “What you’re going through is honestly quite common, Moss. I promise you. And he might very well be nervous, too, but he just shows it in a different way.”

  “I guess.” His head hung down. “Thanks for talking me through this. And coming with me. I hope this isn’t too weird for you, either.”

  “I suppose they don’t tell you about this when you find out you’re going to be a parent,” she said, and then chuckled. “But I just want you to be happy. Whatever that takes.”

  They didn’t speak again for the remainder of their walk. Moss felt a burst of relief, knowing that his mother supported him. He knew that Esperanza’s parents had reacted much more strangely when she had told them that she was a lesbian. On the surface, they were accepting, but they didn’t ever seem to want to talk about their daughter’s interest in girls. As long as she kept any details to herself, Esperanza was tolerable to them.

  That didn’t seem fair to Moss.

 
His relief gave way to a wave of nervous energy as they turned onto Javier’s street, and the sight of the rusted swing set sent a pang through Moss. He suddenly felt self-conscious. He worried that his mother would judge the yard, the lack of grass, the condition of the neighborhood. When the man from downstairs waved a greeting at them as they ascended the stairs, Moss was desperate to know how his mother felt about it all. But she remained silent behind him. She just placed her hand on his lower back as Moss rang the doorbell, and the moment of comfort washed over his thorny nerves.

  I’ll be okay, Moss told himself.

  Eugenia opened the door, a smile spread across her face. Smiling made the lines in her forehead deeper every time she did it. “Come in, come in,” she said, stepping to the side, and Moss darted into the room. “Eugenia Perez,” she said, stretching her hand out to shake his mother’s.

  “Wanda,” she said, and his mother’s face glowed when she said it. “Nice to meet you finally.”

  Javier walked out of the kitchen, a dish towel flung over his right shoulder, and Moss’s heart fluttered at the way the white undershirt clung to his chest and shoulders. “Don’t mind me,” Javier said, and he flashed a grin at Moss. “I just gotta clean up real quick.” He placed a gentle kiss on Moss’s cheek before heading off to his room.

  His mother and Eugenia were staring at Moss, and there was no pity or sadness in their eyes. No, they were smiling, their faces bright with joy. His own face burned with embarrassment. “Okay, okay,” Moss said. “The show’s over.”

  “He was like this last time,” Eugenia said. “Que cute.”

  Wanda laughed at that. “Moss wears his heart on his sleeve,” she said. “It’s one of his best features.”

  “Wow, you two have already started talking about me as if I’m not in the room,” Moss said. “Great.”

  That sent them into an uproarious bout of laughter, and they slipped past him into the kitchen to finish up that night’s meal. Moss sat down on the couch, running his hand over it, remembering the last time he’d been over, the feel of Javier’s hands on his body. For a moment, Moss relaxed. The apartment was alive, the sounds of gossip coming from the kitchen as his mother and Eugenia hit it off. He could hear the shower running from down the hallway, and the thought of seeing Javier again filled him with excitement. He let it all wash over him. He was used to his mind betraying him, taking a moment of joy and turning it sour and grim, spinning it about in his head until it was all he could think about.