How Not To Shop

by Carmen Reid

  'Are you sure you're OK about the money?' she'd had to ask.

  'Yes,' Ed had agreed and topped up her glass, 'To you,' he'd added, raising his glass: 'To you and your fantastic new career. And I mean it.'

  'Me and Milo have drawn up a list for you,' Owen began. He stretched himself up to his full height, which was tall for 12. He was so skinny, his head looked too big and he loomed forward slightly like an overgrown sunflower bending on its stem. Milo was much the same, his shaggy mop of dirty blond hair maybe making him look even more fragile.

  'Are you sure you two don't want something else to eat?' Annie asked, instinctively. 'A yoghurt? Some bread? There's plenty more crumble left.'

  'No, no, we're fine,' Owen insisted and brought his paper higher up so he could read it aloud.

  Some time in the last year, Owen, who'd been one of the shyest children ever, had discovered that he liked performing to an audience, even without his violin in his hand.

  'OK,' he began, 'here are the suggestions compiled by Owen and Milo.'

  'Suggestions for what?' Annie asked, as Owen gave a theatrical pause.

  'Shhh!' Ed told her off, 'I think this is to do with the eco-committee.'

  'Oh.'

  'OK. The two most important things are to turn down the heating and to use the car less. Especially as it's such a big, gas-guzzling car, Mum,' Owen said, and gave Annie a pointed look.

  'Sorry,' Annie felt she had to reply.

  'Then we've made up a list of smaller, but nonetheless important actions,' Owen went on. 'Always turn everything off properly, don't leave it on stand-by. Fit low-energy light bulbs everywhere. Recycle much more. Give old things to charity. Then everything else relates to Mum.'

  'Does it?' Annie asked in surprise.

  'Yes, we've identified you as the number one household polluter,' Owen told her solemnly.

  'Me?' Annie sat up in her chair, while Ed gave a chuckle at her expense.

  'Yup,' Milo came in on Owen's side, 'there's a list of things just for you.'

  'Mum to spend much less time in the power shower,' Owen read out, 'Mum not to go by taxi so much, Mum to use her mobile less, Mum not to buy so many new things, Mum not to drink so much water out of plastic bottles. Mum to give more things away to charity—'

  'All right!' Annie broke in, 'I think that's about enough lecturing for one night, isn't it? Why don't I make up for my terrible, terrible crimes by buying some raffle tickets from you?'

  'Excellent!' Owen had to agree.

  'Too tired for fun then?' Ed asked quietly, letting his finger trace gently down Annie's side as they lay together in bed.

  She pulled his arm until it was warm and tight around her, then moved her back so it was snugly fitted against his fuzzy chest.

  'Too tired,' she confirmed.

  'Alas,' he said with a sigh.

  'A lass?' she teased, 'which lass? Is this something I should know about?'

  'Don't be silly,' he said into the hairs on the back of her neck, 'you're the only lass for me.'

  This caused a shiver to travel down her spine which made her wonder for a moment if she really was too tired. She wriggled her buttocks against his warm, naked body and felt him stir slightly against her. But then came the question which made her change her mind completely.

  'I know you're very busy and this is a big new thing you're taking on . . .' Ed began gingerly, 'but have you at least given just a little thought to my question from the other night?'

  There was silence. A big, deafening silence between them. The last thing Annie wanted to do right now was have this conversation.

  'It's OK,' Ed was the first to speak. 'It's OK. You don't have to give me any sort of answer now. I don't even know if I want an answer now, I just want to know that you're thinking about it.'

  'Ed . . .' Annie began. She turned over so that she was facing him but still in his arms.

  His eyes were on hers. Light blue eyes searching her face very seriously. She pulled him close, so that her mouth was against his soft, pale shoulder and she didn't have to feel the eyes on her face. Then, in a quiet voice, she told him: 'You know how I feel about this. I haven't changed my mind and I really, really don't think I'm ever going to change my mind. I've got a fantastic girl and a brilliant boy, and we are so lucky to have you. That's my family, Ed.'

  Taking a deep breath, knowing how much disappointment she risked causing him, she added, 'I don't want to have another baby.'

  Chapter Seven

  Svetlana on the small screen:

  White and blue plunging day dress (Issa)

  Purple leather and python bag (Francesco Biasia)

  Blue suede heeled sandals (Jimmy Choo)

  Two-carat sapphire ring (third husband)

  Total est. cost: £86,400

  'Bin bag!'

  'Cath? Cath, vhat is dis?!' Svetlana, looking too impossibly sexy and glamorous for this neat beige bedroom in one of the pleasantly green corners of south-west London, had opened a cupboard drawer.

  She was not at all happy with what she had found in there.

  With a flick of her manicured fingers, Svetlana hoisted out a large, saggy pair of beige underpants. Next a worn-out bra, its straps curled up into spirals, dangled helplessly from Svetlana's long, pink fingernail.

  The 52-year-old woman who owned the shapeless underwear did not look happy either. She crossed her arms over the also saggy and also beige polo neck she'd decided to wear for her first appointment with the Wonder Women and replied matter-of-factly, 'That's my underwear.' She didn't seem unduly embarrassed about the state of her smalls.

  'Cath, you have been alone for too long and if you vear undervear like this, you stay single for ever. Bin bag!' Svetlana commanded and flicked the offending items straight into the rubbish. After a brief inspection, the rest of the contents of the drawer followed.

  'Wait!' Cath protested, an astonished look on her face, 'those are all very comfortable . . . I only bought the bras a few months ago!' She jumped forward, got hold of the bin bag and for a moment there was a mini tussle between the two women. Bob gripped his camera tightly, knowing that if he missed one second of this he would be in trouble.

  'No,' Svetlana insisted, pulling the bin bag back. 'Hideous, ugly underwear! You are a good-looking voman under all this comfortable beige. Ve buy you all new!'

  Which was all very well for Svetlana to promise, Annie couldn't help thinking; she wasn't the one who was going to have to make a budget of £250 stretch to buy an entirely new wardrobe.

  Annie's eyes travelled to Cath's face. The ever so slightly stern features were deeply troubled. In fact, the troubled look had barely left Cath's face since the entire Wonder Women TV crew descended on her flat at 8.45 this morning. In truly insincere TV fashion, everyone had kissed and hugged and gushed over Cath, and had then proceeded to tear her life apart.

  Miss Marlise had already done her piece to camera from both inside and outside Cath's home. Cath had listened to the commentary with her cheeks burning and then with her mouth open in horror. Miss Marlise had not thought for one moment to spare the feelings of this rather plain looking, middle-aged accountant.

  'Cath lives here in this boring, beige flat all on her own,' Marlise had begun. 'Now that her son has left home, she's busy, busy, busy with her job and her gardening club and her friends, but to be honest, she's got a bit boring and a bit beige herself.

  'Cath got divorced five years ago and since then, there hasn't been any fun in her life . . .'

  'There wasn't a lot of fun before, believe me,' Cath had said under her breath, and Annie had caught the comment.

  Miss Marlise had rattled on, 'No new dresses and no new men. Cath's social life consists of gardening club meetings and going out with her married friends once a fortnight. You aren't going to meet a new Mr Right like that, are you, Cath?'

  Then leaning chummily into the camera, Miss Marlise had made wide, enthusiastic eyes and gushed: 'But oh, so luckily for you, the Wonder Women are here to
sort you out!'

  'Woohoo!' had been Finn's inevitable response to Marlise's intro. But Annie had seen Cath wipe at the corner of her eye and had instinctively put an arm round her.

  'I'm sure they'll cut that right down,' she had told her quietly, as they walked into the flat together. 'What made you decide to be on the show, Cath?'

  'My friends all got together and decided to enter me. I didn't know anything about it until I got a phone call.'

  'But you must have quite liked the idea of a makeover?' Annie had asked.

  'Erm, yes . . . a new hairstyle, a new outfit. Yes,' Cath had admitted hesitantly, 'but I didn't know it was going to involve delving into my underwear drawer and a blind date.'

  'Not a date! Just a party where you'll be introduced to lots of people and we'll be right beside you holding your hand. Honestly,' Annie had tried to assure her, 'some really good things are going to come out of this, I promise.' Annie was still convinced that this was true.

  But now, in the bedroom, watching Svetlana at work, Annie wasn't quite so sure.

  'OK, I get out my list.' Svetlana reached onto the bed for her luxurious leather and python handbag. The bag, like Svetlana, looked totally out of place in this room, as if they'd been beamed here by mistake direct from an outrageously expensive lunch in Knightsbridge.

  The camera was rolling and Svetlana was clearly relishing every moment. Without even thinking about it, her crossed legs and devastating cleavage were pointing camerawards at the most flattering angle. Propped up on her elbow, she lay across the bed, flipping through a notebook. She began to ask Cath questions while she took notes with a little silver pen.

  'No boyfriends since your divorce?'

  Cath confirmed this with a shake of her head. Annie could see on the monitor that the camera was zooming in close on her worried face.

  'Where could you go to meet some interesting men?' Svetlana wondered.

  Cath shrugged her shoulders helplessly, then ventured, 'Through work? I mean, not that there's anyone at work that I'm interested in . . . I mean they're all lovely, charming . . . but really, I'm happy on my own.'

  The roll of Svetlana's eyes made it clear that this wasn't a good enough answer.

  'Vot are your interests? Vot hobbies?' she asked.

  Cath looked back at Svetlana. 'I love to garden and visit other gardens . . . and I love to go out with my son.'

  'Vhat you like to do before married, before have your boy?' Svetlana asked, with all the subtlety of a police interrogator.

  'Ermmmm . . .' The camera zoomed in on Cath's face again. Annie saw how anxious the woman looked. She didn't need this; she should be treated gently, coaxed out of the beige and into the party. But Annie was going to have to wait her turn. The nervousness she'd thought she'd feel at facing her first moment on screen had evaporated, she just wanted to rush in right now and help Cath out.

  Because Annie had been inside the wardrobes and most private confidences of people just like Cath so many times. It was all about breaking through the defences and rebuilding confidence, taking things one step at a time and making the customer feel good, rather than humiliated.

  There was a hint of sweat on Cath's face. If she was pushed any further, she'd probably refuse to do the show altogether.

  'I used to like drawing,' she squeezed out finally, then quickly added, 'but I wasn't very good at it.'

  'Drawing,' Svetlana repeated and wrote it down in her notebook with a flourish, 'and?'

  'I like to read—'

  'Book group? I've heard of dis . . .' Svetlana broke in and wrote this idea down in her notebook too.

  'Well . . .' Cath sounded very unsure.

  'Anything else? Anything you vant to do? Something new?'

  'Ermm . . . I'd like to get a bit fitter.'

  'Excellent!' Svetlana's face brightened. 'You join gym and running club. Meet many, many fit men!'

  Cath seemed to cross her arms even more tightly at the prospect.

  'And cut!' Finn snapped the clapperboard in front of the camera, 'Tea break, everyone. Then it's on to Annie Valentine, mistress of the wardrobe.'

  Taking another look at the slightly traumatized Cath, Annie had an idea. 'Why don't I take a quick look through Cath's wardrobe with her, before we film it?' she asked. 'I'll find some interesting things to talk about on camera. It might save us a bit of time.'

  'Fine,' Finn agreed, as she'd suspected he might. Anything to save time, save money and come in under budget.

  Turning to Nikki, Finn's assistant, with her most charming smile, Annie asked, 'Will you be a total love and bring us both a tea?'

  As soon as the crew was out of the bedroom, Annie steered Cath to her bed and made her sit down. 'Good grief!' she exclaimed. 'Well, they were a bit rough on you, babes, weren't they?'

  At those words, Cath threatened to crumple. She shook her head. 'I don't know if I can do this. People I know will watch it! The people I work with! I think everyone should just go away and leave me alone. I really don't think I want to go on.'

  For a moment or two, Annie just patted her back soothingly. Then came a tap at the door and Nikki arrived with two mugs of tea. As Annie took them, she gave a smile of thanks but shut the door firmly in the curious assistant's face.

  'OK,' Annie began gently, sitting back down, 'what did your friends think about you doing this programme? And what about your son?'

  Cath clutched the mug and took a sip. 'Everyone was really excited for me,' she confided, 'I think they all wanted to see me dressed up and looking special. It's been a while since I've made a big effort. I don't really do dressing up . . . or parties . . .' Her voice tailed off.

  'Well, that's what your friends and your boy are going to see,' Annie told her: 'their special friend and very special mum, looking gorgeous, just for them. Forget about everyone else and just do it for them, because they'll be so excited for you! Come on,' she encouraged her. 'Get that tea down you. I'd doctor it with something stronger, but that might get me thrown off the show.'

  Cath looked up and gave just the slightest hint of a smile: 'I've never been on TV before,' she said timidly.

  'Well, that makes two of us. But, as they say in showbiz, chin up – the show must go on!'

  'So how bad is it in here?' Annie asked with a wink, as she walked towards Cath's wardrobe and opened the plain white double doors. Cath had obviously tidied up before the arrival of the cameras. Everything was neatly folded or hanging up. Annie was about to change all that. Grabbing two hefty handfuls of clothes, she pulled them out and flung them onto the bed.

  It was as she'd expected: lots of well worn, comfortable, baggy clothes. Heavy on the beige, greige and pastel blue. There were a few unexpected outbursts of colour madness, but none had been very successful. Annie held up a pair of wide-legged, three-quarter-length trousers with some sort of graffiti print all over them. Terrible cut, terrible colours for Cath, but still, unexpectedly zany.

  'These are just a little crazy,' Annie said, 'I think you have a hidden wild side we've just not seen yet.'

  'Oh no!' Cath protested. 'They were just cheap, I bought them for a holiday.'

  'They're very interesting.' Annie smiled and put the trousers down on the bed.

  It didn't take her long to sort through the rest of Cath's wardrobe. Everything so worn out and saggy it couldn't even be given away went onto one pile. Things which Annie hoped she might be able to breathe new life into went into another. But so many cotton turtlenecks, she noticed dispiritedly. Why not scoop necks and lovely shirts to show off a little skin and a nice necklace?