How Not To Shop

by Carmen Reid

  There was an odd pause after this, which gave Annie a pang of anxiety. 'Is everything OK?' she asked quickly.

  'Erm, I'm not sure,' Ed had to admit. 'She's phoned here three times this evening. And I get the feeling . . . well, I'm not sure that she fully realized she'd phoned before. Well, she sort of did, but not immediately. She just doesn't sound quite herself.'

  'Oh no. Maybe you should go round,' Annie suggested, even though it was a full hour's drive and although Ed could drive, he didn't exactly like to do it and certainly not in her cumbersome Jeep.

  'Well, I'll go if you want me to,' he said heroically. 'Look, why don't you phone her up and see what you think first?' he added.

  'Maybe it's the new drugs she's taking, maybe they're causing her problems. Maybe she needs to come and stay with us for a bit; we can make sure she's OK,' Annie worried out loud.

  'Well, if that's what you want. But we're both out of the house all day and you're going to be away on and off for the next few weeks,' Ed reminded her.

  'Maybe Dinah could—' Annie began.

  'Dinah has got a lot on her plate,' Ed broke in.

  'Yes,' Annie remembered.

  There was a distinct knocking at her door. 'Babes,' she said, 'I'm going to have to go. I'll try and speak to you later.'

  'Oh right,' Ed sounded surprised. 'Yeah, phone me back, there's something I want to talk to you about.'

  'What?' she asked straight away, wondering what he was going to come out with next.

  'Let's talk later . . . and don't forget about your mum.'

  'Right.'

  Annie clicked off the call and got up to unlock the door, sure that it would be Bob. He was in the room two doors down from hers and had said he would come and get her when it was time to go out for supper. Nikki had made a reservation for them all at some Chinese restaurant not far from the hotel.

  So it was a surprise to see Finn standing in front of her.

  'Can I come in for a moment?' he asked, his face looking a little too serious for Annie's liking.

  'Yes, of course,' she answered and ushered him into the room. Well, it was so small that really she just ushered him past the door, then closed it so that they stood awkwardly facing each other in the cramped space.

  For just one fleeting moment, Annie wondered if he'd come to tell her how much he loved what he'd seen of the Tina footage so far. But another look at his face told her that something had gone wrong.

  'I've just watched what Bob's spent his very expensive time filming today and I'm not happy,' Finn began.

  'Oh,' Annie said.

  The word seemed to hang in the silence between them for a few moments.

  'Not happy at all,' Finn said and shook his head.

  'No?'

  'No. I thought I gave you clear instructions. Very clear instructions.' Finn's voice sounded tense and tight. 'Tina was going to be the knockout. We were going to end the series with Tina. She was to be your crowning achievement. Miss Marlise would help her land a better job, you would make her look absolutely jaw-dropping and Svetlana was going to get her the great guy. On the first night out. She was going to be my all-round 100 per cent success.

  'Cath, Jody, whoever else we've got lined up for tomorrow, no-one has nearly as much potential as Tina did and now you've just completely, completely . . .' Momentarily he put his hands up to his forehead – 'completely fucked it up!'

  Annie was in such deep astonishment now that she couldn't think of anything to say. She was just listening to Finn and to the pounding of blood in her ears.

  'You've cut off all her hair!' Finn exclaimed, 'you've dressed her up in trousers and, as if that's not enough, you've got her talking about a girlfriend! I mean . . . that's all we need! Just all that we need!'

  Annie suddenly found her voice. 'So what!' she began. 'She's found out she's gay? Or maybe slightly gay? Or maybe bi? So what? Hello? I think you'll find we're living in the twenty-first century now. I think you'll find there are laws against discriminating against her. And open your eyes, Finn! She looks absolutely stunning. Amazing! I've been making people over for almost ten years, and before that I styled actors for films, and I've hardly ever seen someone look so transformed.'

  'You don't know what you're talking about,' Finn broke in. 'This is not BBC2! This is the Home Sweet Home channel. We're making TV strictly for the mainstream. There's an ethnic moment and there's no gay anything. This is plain white bread mainstream and you don't get to interfere – I should have been phoned about the hair!' he exclaimed, his voice starting to rise, 'I should have had a call about the hair!'

  'You loved it when we cut your wife's hair, didn't you?' Annie asked, but now wondered if maybe he hadn't and this was why he was losing it.

  For a moment Finn's eyes widened in surprise, as if he'd forgotten how Annie could possibly know anything about his wife.

  'We've wasted a whole day of filming and you have to find a new person, just like Tina, to save the series,' Finn said, jabbing his forefinger in her direction.

  With that he turned, walked out and shut the door in her face with a resounding slam.

  Chapter Ninteen

  Screen siren Svetlana:

  Show-stopping day dress (Roberto Cavalli)

  Show-stopping heels (Rupert Sanderson)

  Sheer stockings (Wolford)

  Pink nails (Chanel)

  Diamond necklace (Harry Winston)

  Total est. cost: £48,000

  'Vat men vant is so simple.'

  Annie next saw Finn at breakfast. He made only a slight nod in her direction, then went to sit by himself at a table for two where he promptly opened up a newspaper and hid behind it, making it clear that he wanted to be undisturbed.

  Once he'd left last night, Annie had phoned her mother and reassured herself that she was OK. Then she'd gone to talk to Bob, who had recommended sending Finn at least a text of apology. So she'd done that, but there hadn't been any reply.

  'I'm sure he'll get over it,' Bob had insisted. 'Maybe we could put Tina in a wig and a skirt?'

  To Annie this idea seemed even worse than Finn's suggestion that she go out and somehow find a replacement for Tina.

  'He must have some back-ups,' Bob had told her when he'd heard this, 'there's no way he doesn't have a few people in reserve. I think he just said that to give you the heebie-jeebies.'

  The rest of the morning was awkward, to put it mildly. Bob and Annie travelled together to the home of Angela, the other woman they were in Birmingham to make over. When they got there, Svetlana and Miss Marlise were already rehearsing their pieces for the camera, to Finn's obvious approval.

  Annie hung back out of the way and watched, trying to attract as little of Finn's attention as she could. Hopefully, if she gave him time, he would calm down. Maybe he would even come round to the Tina makeover.

  'This "vat men vant" is so simple,' Svetlana began, standing beside the mousy mum who looked very nervous at having put herself in the hands of the Wonder Women.

  Svetlana spread out one hand and with a long pink talon ticked off the requirements: 'Number one: men vant good-looking, young woman, beautifully dressed and groomed. Number two: men vant praise, attention and lots and lots of lovemaking. No disagreements, no telling what to do, no nag, nag, nag, this the death of every marriage and that all,' she beamed at the camera. 'There is no number three.'

  Angela didn't crack a smile, in fact she looked sceptical and turned to ask Svetlana, 'But what do women want?'

  'Tcha!' Svetlana tsked disdainfully, 'Vomen vant rich man.'

  At that the strident trill of a mobile began and Svetlana caused Finn and Bob considerable excitement by extracting a miniature phone from her cleavage.

  'Hello Uri, no this not a bad time,' she purred into the phone, 'I always make time forrr you.'

  'Great!' Finn said, although Svetlana wasn't listening to him now. 'You get set up, Bob and we'll try and do it just like that but this time with the camera running. And let's ring her, so we get
that shot of her answering the mobile.'

  Once Svetlana had done her piece to camera and offered Angela a few other choice nuggets of advice, Miss Marlise took over.

  Although Angela declared herself 'very happy' with her job as a secretary, Miss Marlise wasn't impressed and launched into her strategy for sending Angela up the career ladder towards executive status.

  Once the filming of this slot was over, Finn announced both 'Cut!' and 'Tea break, I think.'

  Bob set the camera down, Angela went to put her kettle on and everyone prepared to relax for a few minutes. Annie knew she should take this opportunity to have another go at speaking to Finn. She never liked a situation to fester; much better to try and deal with it. He'd been really pleased with her work so far, she reminded herself as she walked over to him.

  'Finn?' she began, 'could we have just a little word, if you've got a moment?'

  'OK, Annie,' he replied and turned towards her.

  'I'm really sorry about yesterday,' she said, 'really very, very sorry.'

  She wished that somehow she could make Miss Marlise disappear. Instead, the presenter was looking over in their direction with an almost triumphant expression on her face.

  'Well OK,' Finn said, 'but you've caused a lot of problems.'

  'The afternoon with Tina,' Annie struck out again, needing to put her side of the story, 'it just took on a life of its own. I thought it was really interesting . . .' she faltered, ' and I thought it would be interesting for the viewers. I didn't mean to give you a big headache.'

  'But you did. So . . . what I'm going to do with Angela here is take just a little more control. You can go out to town with her and bring back a selection of possible outfits. Then she's to be filmed trying them on here, with Miss Marlise and Svetlana giving her advice. I'll pick one that I'm happy with and then you can take the others back . . .' he gave her a tense smile. 'That's how we'll do it from now on. If that's OK with you.'

  It seemed to Annie that Miss Marlise's words had come true. She was just going to be the wardrobe lady.

  As Finn turned away from her and went to collect his mug of tea, Annie wanted to throw herself down on this sofa and sob. Instead, she picked her handbag up from the floor and reached inside for the trusty box of extra-strong chewing gum she kept in there. Many years ago she had learned that a sharp minty blast was just the thing to keep tears at bay.

  Just as she popped the gum and crunched down on it, Svetlana put away her phone and hurried over. With a delighted smile on her face, she confided in a whisper, 'Uri offer to take me out again. He is young, handsome man, Annie. I decide there is only one thing to do: I need to see vhat he vant. So, I decide to press pause on the vedding plans.'

  When she saw the horrified look on Annie's face, Svetlana added quickly, 'I not cancel. No. No. Not cancelled. Just pause, tell Harry I'm thinking if this best for me. I mean, a man like Uri . . .'

  '. . . will never ever be as nice as a man like Harry,' Annie finished the sentence for her. 'Don't do this,' she urged her friend, 'please! You are making a big, big mistake.'

  'But Uri,' Svetlana protested, 'he make so much money. He maybe make in day vat Harry make in a year.'

  'You have your own money now,' Annie reminded her. 'You don't need another man to keep you.'

  'I just interested. Verrry interested,' Svetlana told her.

  'Here you go, girls.' Bob interrupted the conversation to hand them each a tea.

  'Bob?' Annie kept her voice low because she didn't want Finn to hear.

  'Has anyone told Tina what's happened?' Annie asked him with concern. 'I mean she thinks she's going to be on TV. She's told her family, her friends, her little girl . . . She was absolutely bubbling over with it all when we left her. How's she going to be told that it's all being dropped?' Annie had to know. 'She's not just going to get a letter or a cold call from Nikki, is she?'

  Bob shrugged. 'I think you care just a little too much,' he said, 'you'll just have to let go of that one. Someone will take charge of that. Let it be.'

  'Ya,' Svetlana agreed, 'you in enough trouble.'

  'But she's going to be devastated,' Annie protested, 'completely devastated. And after all that effort, after we brought her along so brilliantly.'

  'You,' Bob corrected her, 'you did that, I was just filming. I'm trying to pay you a compliment, Annie, stop looking so worried,' he added.

  'Couldn't you put together some of the footage you took?' Annie asked. 'Especially when she was at the hairdresser's, all made up and looking gorgeous, couldn't you put that onto a little DVD for her? Then at least she would have something,' Annie pleaded, 'I can't bear the thought of her sitting at home with her little girl feeling that she's been dumped because she came out to us. That's what she's going to think, and let's be honest,' Annie hissed, 'that's the truth!'

  'I'll see what I can do over the weekend,' Bob conceded, 'I'll take a look at what I've got and I'll run off a DVD for her. So you can give it to her. OK. Agony auntie Annie,' he added.

  'Thanks. Thank you!' Annie squeezed his arm. 'I've got her mobile number, I'll let her know.'

  'Be careful,' Bob warned. 'Make sure you've given Nikki time to tell her, otherwise you'll be breaking the news and you could land yourself in even more hot water.'

  Looking past Bob's face, Annie was surprised to see Miss Marlise standing much closer to them that she'd expected. Much too close for comfort. She couldn't have heard, though . . . could she?

  Chapter Twenty

  Ed at home:

  Blue cotton sweater (Gap sale)

  White rugby shirt (school uniform sale)

  Tattered jeans (Levi's, vintage)

  Bare feet

  Total est. cost: £55

  'D'you want to take off your instruments of foot torture?'

  It was late when Bob pulled up outside Annie's house to drop her off after the two days of filming in Birmingham. But there was still a light on in the sitting room because Ed had promised he would wait up for her.

  Owen would already be asleep and Lana had gone to Greta's house overnight, but Ed would be there to welcome her home.

  At the sound of the car engine in the street, Ed opened the front door and headed out to meet her. He said hello to Bob and unloaded Annie's bag from the back of the car.

  'Nice to have you back,' he told her once they were back inside the house. 'Go and snuggle on the sofa and I'll make you tea and toast if you like.'

  'Yes, I'd like that very much,' Annie told him.

  'Yeah, but it's just the one slice, obviously, and I'll be spreading the butter very, very thinly because I know about the ongoing weight battle you celebrity types are always waging,' he couldn't resist teasing.

  'Oh, don't worry, I'm not sure I'll ever be allowed on camera again. I've been demoted and at the moment I'm just the wardrobe lady.'

  'Oh dear,' Ed sympathized as she lay down across the sofa, 'is it that bad?'

  'At the moment, yes!'

  'But it will blow over . . . won't it?'

  'Maybe . . . I hope so . . . I hope things won't seem so bad once we've all had the weekend at home and chilled out a bit.'

  'D'you want to take off your instruments of foot torture?' Ed pointed at her high-heeled shoes, 'and I could give you a little massage.'

  'Yes, that would be very nice,' she had to admit, 'but could you just bring in the tea and the toast first? Pleeeese,' she wheedled, 'you're a very, very nice man.'