Through the Deep Waters

by Kim Vogel Sawyer

  Uncomfortable with the direction her thoughts had taken, Dinah turned her attention to packing. She lay the dress she’d worn to the Calico Ball in the bottom of the valise to serve as a cushion for her little painted music box. She doubted she’d ever wear the lovely frock again, but she would take it along on her adventure as a keepsake from the third happiest event of her life. The music box, with the topaz ring snug inside the little trinket drawer, would serve as the second happiest. But she needn’t pack a reminder of the most happy event. She carried it within her heart. Now that she’d accepted God’s Son as her own Savior, wherever she went, she would never be alone.

  After nestling the music box in the folds of the dress, she slipped the valise under the bed. She wouldn’t leave Florence until the last day of the month—still five days away. And sometime during those five days, Mr. Sanger would return from his business dealings in Colorado. Her stomach gave a flip, and she folded her arms across her middle as nausea attacked. She hoped she could keep her distance from the man while he was here.

  God had forgiven and forgotten—she believed it from the bottom of her heart. Now if only she could forget, too.

  Sunday morning Dinah joined Ruthie’s family for service. How strange to sit in the front instead of the back. Although nine other people crowded onto the bench with her, she was more lonely than she’d been on the back bench with only Amos for company. She sent a quick look over her shoulder, hoping he might be in his familiar spot. According to Ruthie, her brothers had given him a mule that he could ride into town. But the glance confirmed the bench was empty.

  Sadness attacked. He was staying away because of her. Such harm she had caused him. Would he return to services when she left Florence? After today, many weeks would pass before she listened to Preacher Mead’s teaching again. Six at least. A very long time. But during her time away, maybe she’d finally be able to erase her affections for Amos Ackerman. And maybe he would find the ability to forgive her and return to fellowship with his congregation.

  She blinked back tears as a prayer filled her heart. God, let him come back, please. Don’t let him leave church because of me. Her prayer came to an end when Preacher Mead stepped onto the dais and invited the worshipers to rise for an opening hymn.

  He led them in “My Hope Is Built on Nothing Less.” Dinah couldn’t help exchanging a smile with Ruthie as she joined the others in singing out loud and clear, “ ‘My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness …’ ” By the time they’d finished the hymn, her doldrums slipped away, and she settled onto the bench, eager to hear what Preacher Mead would share today.

  He opened his Bible and, without preface, began. “From the book of Numbers, the thirty-second chapter.” Dinah followed in her Bible as he read an account of Moses chiding the families of Reuben and Gad for choosing to see to their own needs rather than protecting the children of Israel. The leader Moses used strong words of rebuke toward the men, reminding them of God’s anger in past times when His children had chosen to disobey His commands. The men eventually agreed to defend the Israelites if they could build their homes and fences first. Moses offered approval of their plan, then followed it with a warning.

  Dinah almost thought she could hear Moses’s thundering voice as Preacher Mead read, “ ‘But if ye will not do so, behold, ye have sinned against the LORD: and be sure your sin will find you out.’ ”

  The preacher set his Bible aside and lifted his gaze to the congregation. “For generations, people have sinned. They have chosen their own pathways rather than following God’s. They have sought their own desires rather than asking God what He wanted for them. And each time people sin—each time they go astray—God knows. They might be able to hide their sins from their families and friends and townsfolk, but God knows. And Moses reminds us right here, ‘Be sure your sin will find you out.’ ”

  Dinah squirmed. Of all the people in Florence, only Ruthie and Amos knew about Chicago, and she didn’t want anyone else to know. She’d suffered so many disapproving looks, so many rebuffs, so much ridicule. Would it all start again if people in her new town knew where she’d lived? Yet by keeping it all a secret, was she sinning? She leaned forward slightly, eager to hear what Preacher Mead might say next.

  “I’ve always told my children it’s better for them to be found out when they’ve done wrong rather than succeed in hiding it.” A grin twitched on his cheeks as he glanced at his row of offspring, who hunched their shoulders and sent sheepish looks to one another. “You see, finding success in wrongdoing only leads us to think we can get by with more wrong. And before we know it, we’re up to our elbows in sins … and living with a mighty regret. Or, even worse, we’ve hardened our conscience to the place where we don’t even care if we do wrong anymore. Both situations are not good for a person’s soul.”

  Preacher Mead rested his elbow on the corner of the simple wooden podium and sent a fatherly smile across the congregation. “If you read God’s Word, as Christians are called to do, you know what God requires of His children. He gave us all the instruction we need. He also gave us the Holy Spirit, who whispers to us when we need to change our ways. If you knowingly do wrong, you stir God’s anger.” He tapped his Bible. “It says so in this passage.”

  He moved to the opposite side of the podium, and Dinah followed him with her gaze, gripped by his message. “Of course we don’t want God’s wrath against us, but I hope more than wanting to avoid His anger, we want to please Him. Just as a child seeks the approval of his father, we should live in a way intended to bring the approval of our Father in heaven.”

  Preacher Mead bent his head over the Bible again and continued reading the story. Dinah stared at the passage in her Bible, but the words melted together. Her thoughts turned inward as realization bloomed. The niggle she’d been experiencing over the past days was the Holy Spirit trying to get her attention. She’d been wrong to withhold the truth from Mr. Irwin and Mr. Harvey. Now that she’d recognized her wrongdoing, she couldn’t, in clear conscience, get on the train Thursday without divulging the secrets of her past to her employer.

  She hung her head. Telling would be hard, but not telling wouldn’t please the God who had saved her. I want to stand faultless before You, Lord, just as we sang at the beginning of the service. Give me the courage to tell my secret. Worry struck. If she told, she might not be able to become a server. She might even be released from her position as chambermaid. As she contemplated the possible consequences, worry gnawed through her gut. What would she do if she lost her job? Then, in a warm, welcome wave, peace flooded her.

  She finished her prayer. You are my Hope and Stay. If I lose the chance to become a server, I will accept it as Your will for me. I’ll trust You to take care of me. Amen.

  Ruthie

  Ruthie grabbed Mama’s hand and pulled her toward Papa. At the same time, she shooed her young siblings away. “You all go on. I need to talk to Mama and Papa without you underfoot. Go pester Dinah for a few minutes.” She laughed at her friend’s shocked face, then hurried Mama across the floor.

  All night she’d contemplated what becoming a server might mean. Girls who honored their contracts were allowed to ride free on the Santa Fe trains. She could visit Phoebe in Newton, or travel all the way to Wichita to see Mama’s parents and brothers. Maybe she could even go to the nation’s first national park—the one President Grant named Yellowstone—and watch the geysers shoot into the air. She’d take Seth along for propriety’s sake but also because she knew he would love to see those geysers.

  The plans rolled through her mind and sped her tongue when she had Mama’s and Papa’s attention. “Papa, I know you’ve said you aren’t in favor of me becoming a server for Mr. Harvey, but I would like to ask you to consider it one more time.”

  Papa made a sour face. “Now, Ruthie …”

  She talked over the top of his mild protest. “Dinah is leaving on Thursday for training in Kansas City. So I could travel with her rather than goin
g alone. If I became a server, I would earn more money, which I could share with you, and I would also have several months free from work to spend more time with the family. So—”

  “I will not have any daughter of mine becoming a waitress.” Papa spoke firmly. “Waitresses have a very poor reputation, Ruthie.”

  Although she knew better than to argue with her parents, Ruthie couldn’t stop herself. “But you are talking about waitressing in a raucous roadhouse. Papa, Mr. Harvey’s restaurants aren’t anything like the establishments that concern you. He has very high standards for his restaurants, and his servers are clean, modest, well-respected women.”

  Papa’s stern expression didn’t change, but Ruthie glimpsed a hint of softening in Mama’s face. She plunged on. “Come to the Clifton today for dinner. Watch Lyla, Amelia, and Matilda. If after seeing how they serve and how the people treat them you are still vehemently opposed to the idea, I won’t mention it again.” She bit her lip to prevent herself from further pleading.

  Papa and Mama looked at each other. Mama said, “I put a stew on the stove before we left. I could set it aside and save it for our supper.”

  Papa said, “It would cost more than I have in my pocket for all of us to eat at the hotel.”

  Ruthie snagged Seth’s sleeve and yanked him onto the dais. “Then have Seth take the youngsters home and feed them the stew while you and Mama eat at the hotel. He’s capable of ladling stew into bowls.”

  “Hey!” Seth wriggled loose. “How come I’m gettin’ stuck with all the work?”

  Ruthie wrinkled her nose at her brother. “It’s only one dinner, Seth. And Jonah and Noah can help you.” She turned from her brother’s disgusted scowl and aimed a hopeful look at Papa and Mama. “Please? At least come see?”

  Papa looked at Mama. She raised one shoulder in a slight shrug and quirked her lips. Papa sighed and nodded. He gave Seth a little nudge toward the younger ones waiting at their bench. “Take your brothers and little Dinah June home and give them their dinner. Your mother and I will be there after we’ve eaten at the hotel.”

  Dinah

  Instead of eating, Dinah tapped on the door to Mr. Irwin’s office. His blunt voice invited her to enter. Although a man of small stature, Mr. Irwin possessed an intimidating bearing. The hotel manager, Mr. Phillips, had certainly taken that into account when he’d placed responsibility for hiring and firing into Mr. Irwin’s hands. From her first encounter with him, she’d been cowed by his brusque, no-nonsense demeanor. Uncertainty about how he’d respond to her planned admission left her quivering inside, but she slipped into the chair facing his desk and met his unsmiling gaze.

  “Mr. Irwin, may I talk with you about my training?”

  Apparently she’d caught him in the midst of an important task because he drummed his fingers on the stack of papers on his desk in an impatient gesture. “What about it?”

  Lord, help me … “I want to make sure I’m … qualified.”

  The manager frowned. “We’ve already discussed the qualifications. Mr. Harvey requires his servers be at least eighteen but not older than thirty years of age, attractive, intelligent, and of good moral character. We’re aware of your young age, but we waived the requirement given our unique circumstances here.”

  Dinah’s pulse pounded with ferocity, making her breath come in short spurts. Her voice emerged in a mouselike squeak. “It isn’t the age qualification that troubles me. You see, I … I was born to a Chicago prostitute and raised in a brothel.”

  The man’s eyebrows came together sharply. He drew back. “Oh?”

  “Yes, sir. When my mother became very ill and I needed to pay for her care, I … I arranged to meet a businessman for an evening’s companionship.” As she spoke, she felt as though the dark cloud that had hovered over her head since her arrival in Florence broke apart into small, less threatening puffs.

  She sat up straighter in the chair, and her voice lost its quaver. “I changed my mind and told him I didn’t want to do it, but he took his pleasure from me. And then I took his money. I used it to care for my mother in her last days, give her a proper burial, and buy train tickets to get out of Chicago.”

  “You …” Mr. Irwin stared at her with horror-filled eyes.

  Bravely, Dinah nodded. “I don’t ever intend to do something like that again. It was …” She swallowed, briefly reliving the pain and degradation of that night in Chicago. She forced out in a rasping whisper, “It was awful.” Then she squared her shoulders and faced the manager again. “God has forgiven me. The Bible says He has thrown away my sin as far as east is from west. But what I did carries consequences. I didn’t want to mislead you, Mr. Irwin. I didn’t want to lie to you.”

  The man sat as still as a fence post, seeming to stare straight through Dinah. She waited, but he didn’t speak.

  While he sat in silence, she told him the rest. “I’ve recently accepted God’s Son as my Savior and God as my Father. From now on, I want to be an honorable child of God. Please forgive me for keeping my past a secret. If you decide this disqualifies me from being a server, I’ll accept it without a fuss.” Rising, she held her hand to him. “Thank you for the opportunity to work at the Clifton.”

  Mr. Irwin made a strange little gurgling sound, as if someone had tied his tonsils in a knot, but he took Dinah’s hand and gave it a very brief shake. “I appreciate your … candor, Miss Hubley. I will share this information with Mr. Phillips, and certainly he’ll wire Mr. Harvey to seek his counsel. You’ll be apprised of our decision concerning your training for a server position before Thursday.”

  Dinah expected a cloak of dread to drop over her. After all, her security was being threatened. But instead she only experienced a great sense of relief. She’d told. She said it all out loud. And admitting it had somehow diminished its power. Her lips tugged into a smile while tears of gratitude stung her eyes. “Thank you, Mr. Irwin. Coming here has changed me, and I will always be grateful.”

  She stepped out of his office and walked directly into Ruthie, who stood just outside the door with her hands clamped over her mouth and her eyes wide and stricken looking. A bolt of fear sliced through Dinah. She grabbed Ruthie’s shoulders. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

  “Oh, Dinah …” With her hands over her mouth, her words became a strangled mutter. “Oh, Dinah …”

  She wove her arm around Ruthie’s waist and guided her into the chambermaids’ parlor. She closed the door behind them, then pulled Ruthie’s hands down and held them tight. “What has happened?” It must be something terrible for Ruthie to be so distraught. Dinah held her breath, preparing herself for whatever tragedy Ruthie would share.

  Ruthie shook her head, tears pooling in her eyes. “I didn’t mean to listen. I only came to deliver a message to Mr. Irwin from Mr. Gindough, but you were talking, and I heard and … and …” Bursting into tears, she flung her arms around Dinah. She stammered through sobs. “I’m so sorry for what happened to you. You really are like Jacob and Leah’s Dinah, who suffered harm because of Shechem’s selfish want. Oh, Dinah, I’m so sorry the man hurt you that way.”

  As Ruthie continued to weep against her shoulder, Dinah’s tears spilled, too. She cried for Ruthie’s broken heart. For her own lost innocence. Even for the Bible-Dinah. The shared sorrow was healing, and a few of the black puffs remaining from the heavy cloud faded, washed away by the cleansing tears.

  After several minutes the girls pulled apart. Dinah looked into Ruthie’s red, puffy face. “You’re a mess.” She pulled her handkerchief from her pocket and gave it to the other girl.

  Ruthie huffed out a short laugh as she mopped her face. “No more than you.” She withdrew a lace hanky from her pocket and handed it to Dinah. “Here. Blow your nose.”

  Dinah did so, and then they stood, holding each other’s rumpled handkerchief and staring sympathetically into each other’s eyes. Ruthie spoke first.

  “I wish I’d known.” Regret pursed her face. “I was jealous of you, Dinah. First I
was jealous because I thought you came from affluence. Then I was jealous because Mr. Ackerman gave you his attention. I was even jealous because you could make decisions for yourself without having to ask permission from anyone. I was so foolish and childish and wrong.” More tears quivered on her lower lashes. “Will you please forgive me?”

  Dinah gave Ruthie an impetuous hug, amazed at the ease with which she embraced the girl. “I forgive you. And will you forgive me? All of those misunderstandings could have been avoided if I’d just told you the truth.”

  “Of course!” The girls embraced again, then drew back, both smiling.

  The emotional release left Dinah weak. She eased into one of the chairs and sagged against its sturdy back. “I feel so … free.”

  Ruthie sniffled hard as she perched in the other chair. She gazed at Dinah with sympathy. “What an awful thing to carry. Little wonder you had such nightmares.” Then she jolted. “But they’ve stopped, haven’t they? I haven’t heard you cry out in days.”

  Dinah released a contented sigh. “God took them away when I asked Him to take my sins away.”

  A frown marred Ruthie’s face. “I need to tell you something. About your sin …” She nibbled her lip for a moment as if gathering her thoughts. She cupped her hand over Dinah’s before speaking more quietly and slowly than Dinah could remember. “You made a mistake by going to meet that man. Even though you needed the money to take care of your mother, which was an honorable thing to do, selling yourself wasn’t the right way to earn it. So you made a mistake.”

  Dinah nodded, accepting Ruthie’s words without a sting of resentment.

  “But the man who … who bought you—he is also at fault. You changed your mind. You said no and he didn’t listen. You tried to do right, and he forced himself on you.” Ruthie squeezed Dinah’s hand, the pressure pinching yet comforting at the same time. “You shouldn’t feel shameful over what he did. Do you understand?”