All This Has Nothing To Do With Me
Page 1
CONTENTS
PART ONE: BLINDED
CRAVAT SYNDROME
THE PHILTRE
PROFESSIONAL PROXIMITY AS DETERMINING FACTOR FOR PATHOLOGICAL LOVE
DATA COLLECTION
MEMENTOS
THE GIFT
THE LETTER
THE LETTER (FOLLOW-UP)
THE INVESTIGATION
INSOMNIA
THE MYTHOLOGY OF LOCATION
OMENS
A. THE BEGINNING
B. THE TITANIC AND PARAPSYCHOLOGICAL PHENOMENA: PRECURSORY SIGNS OF THE SHIPWRECK
A. (PART 2) PRECURSORY SIGNS OF THE SHIPWRECK
HAPPINESS
A. CANNES
B. PORTO
C. LONDON (BRIAN ENO)
PERSONAL DIARY
CATALEPSY
TELEPATHY
A MONTH IN THE LIFE OF MS
THE RUSE
MISSFORTUNE
PHARMACOPOEIA
DENIAL
CYNICISM: THE ILLUSION OF BATTLE
THE ENIGMA
RHETORIC
SOCIAL NETWORKS
HEPATOSCOPY
MOBILE TELEPHONY
VOODOO
PART TWO: PAST HISTORY
AMBRA
GENETICS
LEGACY
MONICA
ANXIETY
MONICA (PART 2)
ALESSANDRO
PART THREE: FALLING APART
THE END
ANALYSIS OF VOCAB
DIAGRAM
UNREST
STAR SYSTEM
THE MIRACLE
THE ENIGMA
THE BAIT
DEATH
YVES
MONICA (PART 3)
THE WOUND
DEATH (PART 2)
NICOLE
YVES (PART 2)
YVES (PART 3)
THE ABYSS
SORROW
DRUGS
HELPLESSNESS
DOES THIS SCOOTER BELONG TO XX?
LOVE
FRANZISKA
PART ONE
BLINDED
The first section of our analysis will focus upon the pathological phenomenon ‘blind love’. We will see how an individual can be unexpectedly struck down by this tenacious illness, even though that same person has so far been progressing artlessly yet confidently through life. Scientifically speaking it is noteworthy, even poignant, to identify some of the early indicators of the disaster ahead. These intrinsic signs ignite like warnings written in letters of fire, and yet the individual passes hastily by with the innocent smile of a child being led to the sacrificial altar.
The Titanic leaving Southampton, 10 April 1912
CRAVAT SYNDROME
Email sent by MS to Alexandra M.
6.40pm, 30 January 2011. Extract.
I think we’ve found our new editor for the film section.
Remember the guy they said was ‘very young and very bright’?
I phoned him, arranged to meet at Café de Flore, and asked
him to bring something I could recognize him by. And he
said, ‘I’ll wear a cravat.’ Don’t you think that’s rather quirky?
And he did! He wore a cravat! He’s tall, looks very young (but
then tries to act older) and he’s a right mess. He pulled all
these receipts out of his pockets and he’d scribbled ideas on
them. Absurd ones generally. Then he offered to go to
Pâtisserie Ladurée with me.
He bought a Religieuse à la Rose. (Haha – ridiculous.)
I ate half of it.
Obviously, I offered him the job.
Email sent by Alexandra M to MS.
9:28pm, 30 January 2011. Extract.
‘I’ll wear a cravat’????
THE PHILTRE
Noun. 16th century. Taken from the Latin philtrum and from the Greek philtron, of the same meaning, derived from phileîn, ‘to love’. Magical potion intended to rouse an intense and fatal passion. ‘It was Tristan who inadvertently drank the love philtre with Iseult instead of King Mark, for whom it had been destined.’ Definition from the Dictionnaire Académie Française (1986 edition).
Religieuse à la Rose, Pâtisserie Ladurée.
Email sent by MS to Alexandra M.
10:28am, 14 February 2011. Extract.
PS. He’s been given the desk right opposite mine.
If I stretch out my legs I can touch his feet.
Open Plan
1. Filing cabinets
2. Printer/photocopier
3. Coffee machine
4. Coat stand
---- Regular trips made by XX
PROFESSIONAL PROXIMITY AS DETERMINING FACTOR FOR PATHOLOGICAL LOVE
Study undertaken based on data gathered pertaining to the presence of subject XX in the business premises of XXXX Press, situated in Issy-les-Moulineaux, 234 rue du Général-de-Gaulle, Paris, for the period of time: 14 February 2011 to 19 April 2011 (that’s 47 working days).
Data collected on subject XX.
Arrives unreasonably late at desk (any time from 11am to 3pm). Chaos. Work station evokes the bedroom of an uncontrollable adolescent. Controlled arrogance. Antisocial behaviour (aphasia, wears headphones so he can listen to music). Looks pale, indicating a chronic absence of sleep and/or consumption of a blend of illicit chemicals. Accessories indicate membership of a community known to be ‘cool’: observed wearing a cravat on 39 days out of 47, use of helmet related to possession of Vespa scooter (red in colour), wears SUNGLASSES INSIDE PREMISES.
Parallel data retrieved on subject MS, both positive and negative factors, in other words ‘contradictory’.
Problems of metabolism and nutrition (anorexia, bulimia, over-reliance on nicotine). Psychiatric condition (manic periods [in the presence of subject XX] followed by periods of depression [in the absence (but also presence) of subject XX]. Euphoria. Despondency. Declining levels of concentration. Impulses of an involuntary and obsessive nature (subject MS incessantly contemplates the opportunity of under-the-desk contact between her foot and that of subject XX). Disorders of the nervous system including confusion, trembling, decrease in self-awareness, and problems with speech – e.g. use of word ‘penis’ instead of ‘tennis’. Cardiac complaints (palpitations).
DATA COLLECTION
Email sent by MS to Alexandra M.
9:28pm, 2 March 2011. Extract.
He took me home on his scooter tonight. We had a quick drink on the way (his suggestion). He must have said about three sentences. I stole his lighter . . .
7:45–8:30pm, 10 March 2011. Café Le Rostand, Paris VI.
One beer/two glasses of white wine.
Data collected: reckons you can definitively judge an individual according to his or her five favourite books and films. Refuses to reply to the question ‘What are your five favourite books and films?’ (judged too personal). Is the author of a ‘monograph on Shinji Aoyama’ (full of himself). Split the bill. Physical contact: none.
Blue lighter.
8–8:30pm, 14 March 2011. Café Le Petit Suisse, Paris VI.
One beer/one glass of white wine.
Data collected: would love to live in Reykjavik or San Francisco. Bites his nails. Would like to be the ‘man for the job’ as described by Frédéric Berthet in the novel Simple Summer’s Day (seems emotionally moved when he talks about this). Has arrangement to meet ‘someone’ for dinner. Leaves MS to pay the bill – no obvious embarrassment. Physical contact: none.
Yellow lighter.
8:30–9:30pm, 20 March 2011. Café Le Madame, Paris VI.
One Coke/one glass of white wine.
Data c
ollected: has a cold. Claims he doesn’t need anyone in his life. Has a brother, younger (conflictual relationship). Played the recorder as a child. Rebelled, left his instrument in a sports bag on a bench on two occasions (stubborn in nature). Split the bill. Physical contact: none.
Multicoloured stripy lighter.
9–10pm, 23 March 2011. Café Le Madame, Paris VI.
One beer and a martini/three glasses of white wine.
Data collected: was with ‘someone’ last year (is he gay?).
Knows of Chiara Mastroianni. Quite likes her. Enjoys eating eels and squid salad. Smiles incredibly sweetly. Physical contact: none.
Red lighter.
8:20–9pm, 23 March 2011. Café du Métro, Paris VI.
One glass of white wine/one glass of white wine.
Data collected: isn’t bothered by silence. Doesn’t seem to be aware of companion’s state of panic. But appreciates her new haircut. Remarks that recently he keeps losing all his lighters. Settles the bill. Physical contact: none.
Serviette, Café du Métro.
MEMENTOS
Alexis M, Geneva, October 1988–April 1989.
Marlboro Red cigarette butts.
Gary D, Lausanne, 11 April 1989.
Fork.
David E, Geneva, 1992.
Grey and black stripy woollen APC scarf.
Jérémie B, Paris, November 1993.
Umbrella with two broken spokes.
Michael ??, Val d’Isère, February 1997.
Multicoloured ski glove, Le Coq sportif.
THE GIFT
Email sent by MS to Alexandra M.
10:28am, 4 April 2011. Extract.
He gave me a book! (left it on my desk after lunch). The blurb on the back says:
‘Frédéric Berthet introduces the hero of Daimler Departs: Raphaël Daimler, a detective whose life isn’t going too well. But is he a hero or more of an anti-hero? He falls in love, gets dumped, consults Uri Geller who offers to bend a fork for him, then speaks to a psychic who steals photos of his lover.’
Oh my god oh my god OH MY GOD
Daimler Departs by Frédéric Berthet, Gallimard publications, Collection L’Infini. Wrapped/unwrapped.
THE LETTER
Monsieur Frédéric Berthet
Éditions Denoël
9, rue du Cherche-Midi
75006 Paris
Dear Monsieur Berthet
I hope you do not mind me writing to you via your publisher. For sentimental reasons that I will not go into, I have recently discovered your body of work. And I must say congratulations, by the way. Unfortunately, Simple Summer’s Day, your collection of short stories published by Denoël in 2006, is hard to find. I contacted someone in the press office who told me that they do not expect there to be a reprint in the foreseeable future. So, I wanted to ask you a favour. Would it be possible for you to send me a copy of this book? (I will pay you back of course, and please do not hesitate to let me know the shipping costs.)
My request is based on both literary interest (your facetious and melancholic style – seriously, well done there) and psychological necessity. In fact, this text would be useful to me for understanding other similarly overwhelmed and immature young men. Those guys who say things like ‘I could be a secret agent’ or ‘I would like to be the man for the job like in Frédéric Berthet’s Simple Summer’s Day.’ What does all that mean? If a man says that, does that mean he is in love?
And don’t you think that life is sufficiently draining not to have to search for answers in books that are out of print?
I am very grateful to you for taking the time to read my letter, and look forward to hearing from you in due course.
Yours sincerely
MS
Email sent by Alexandra M to MS.
10:28am, 14 April 2011. Extract.
I watched the clips of Cannes Film Festival. I think I get what you see in him, though I also understand how you might want to give him a good slap – but then I’m probably not being that objective. I couldn’t really see if he was losing his hair (I still can’t seem to expand the window to full-screen).
PS. Does he ever take his sunglasses off? It was really overcast when they were screening Les Amours imaginaires (Imaginary Love Affairs), it looks like it might have been raining.
THE LETTER (FOLLOW-UP)
Dear Monsieur Berthet
I hope you don’t mind me writing to you once again. It is because I am in shock, as I have just found out that you have died. Apparently, during the night of 24 December 2003, you succumbed to a cardiac arrest (some sources allude to ‘alcohol and depression’). I must say, this news has really got me down.
Not only are you no longer alive, which makes you the archetypal inaccessible man, but also I must admit that I was still waiting for your response, like you would have some kind of revelation for me. Naturally, I am aware that writing to a dead author may appear to be a sign of psychological imbalance. However, I dare say that you will not take offence, what with you being a spiritual man as well as an enthusiastic letter writer (you will be pleased to hear that Letters, 1973–2003 is currently available from Table Ronde publications). You see, it is apparent to me that despite your recent passing, drafting letters to you could otherwise enlighten me, or at least calm me in some way.
As I told you in my last letter, you make me think a lot about a young man I know, who, if he hasn’t already succumbed to a cardiac arrest – his inclination towards alcohol and depression is incontestable – also remains elusive. Do you not think that by putting all this down on paper I could well find answers to my questions regarding this attractive but shifty individual? What do you think? Perhaps you could give me a sign or something: where you are, I am sure you have free time and some writing paper.
All the best
MS
THE INVESTIGATION
Paris–Berry, Frédéric Berthet, La Table Ronde.
Letters, 1973–2003, Frédéric Berthet, La Table Ronde.
Journal of Truce, Frédéric Berthet, Gallimard, Collection L’Infini.
Happiness, Frédéric Berthet, Gallimard, Collection L’Infini.
INSOMNIA
‘Daimler wakes up in the middle of the night. He slowly opens his eyes and does not move. He keeps breathing calmly. When he is certain it is safe to do so, he gets up and goes to the bathroom for a glass of water.’ (Extract from Daimler Departs by Frédéric Berthet.)
Glass of water.
THE MYTHOLOGY OF LOCATION
‘But when I spend an evening in a more remote district of Paris, as I did several days ago, and I see a restaurant where the local people dine on Sundays, a restaurant where we would not have met anyone we know, I cannot stop myself from thinking about you and adding to the list of places we could have been to. On this planet there is a parallel world, a world where I would have been able to spend my life with Johana, (the world) where I would have been able to fully accept everything that happened to me. You have probably been my only hope of escaping rejection.’ (Extract from Journal of Truce by Frédéric Berthet.)
Dear Monsieur Berthet
I understand just how you feel! I also have a never-ending list of places where we (the young man you resemble and I) would have been able to go; but also places where he goes regularly, those where he maybe goes, those where I go and where he would never go, those where we went (places that are forever crowned in a halo of light), those where we planned to go, and those where I have vowed to take him, knowing perfectly well that it will never happen. And then, between each of these places, there are streets that flash by as I sit on the back of his red scooter, streets he could zoom up like a fabulous mechanical animal, no doubt those he flies down on his way home, those where I imagine he pulls over before reaching one of these places he would be able to go, those he has no reason at all for driving down but will we ever know? The urban geography and (emotional) transport system are torture, Monsieur Berthet.
MS
OMENS
>
An omen is a manifestation of the gods for seeing into the future and proves to be a considerable tool for predicting cases of heartache.
Unfortunately, manifestations of the gods do not occupy the place they deserve in Western society. Hepatoscopy (the study of sacrificed animal livers), for example, proves to be very uncommon in contemporary urban areas.
Likewise, the rarity of flood waters, earthquakes and the scarcity of raptors in built-up areas mean that any observation of natural phenomena is uncertain. In spite of this, any individual who is sensitive to these issues should not lose heart. The tools are there, within easy reach, and by immersing oneself in a state of receptive awareness it is possible to access them. Sadly, the perception of the individual can be distorted for various reasons, leading to an understanding of divine signs only after the fact, when the tragic event has already taken place.
A. THE BEGINNING
Place: Cannes Film Festival
Date: 18 May 2011, 10:30pm–4:30am
Context: Melancholia reception, on the 3.14 beach
Soundtrack: Amoureux solitaires (Solitary Lovers) by Lio.
(only sound data retained.)
Critical moment: ‘Don’t you want to kiss me?’ (request made by MS at 3:12am in a state of altered consciousness.)
B. THE TITANIC AND PARAPSYCHOLOGICAL PHENOMENA: PRECURSORY SIGNS OF THE SHIPWRECK