“That’s great news, Olivia.” Allie claps enthusiastically. “You said Ryder gave you the idea?”
“Yes, he did. I’m very impressed with his suggestion too since he never really took any interest in growing my business before. But this was pure genius. So, I’ve been working night and day to plan, prepare, and order everything I’ll need so it arrives before the big event. I’m calling it the ‘Draw the Shades’ night. The theme will be living the high life. I’ve never been so tired and so energized at the same time.” She turns to me again and squeezes my hand.
“Why do you think Ryder wasn’t interested in your business? Did he say or do something to give you that impression?” Allie’s listening and using the pieces of the story to bring us back to the point of the session. I get that. But she’s being a total buzzkill right now.
“Well, he never really talked about it or asked me how it was doing past the usual ‘how was your day’ conversations. When I first opened the store, I’d try to give him all the details, but I learned quickly not to bother. He only half-listened or changed the subject entirely. So, it became my business instead of ours.” She moves her hand back to her lap.
“Did you ever ask him why he wasn’t engaged in it?”
“Yes. Maybe not in those words, but the sentiment was the same. I don’t remember what he said exactly, but my gut reaction was he was embarrassed by my choice of livelihood as much as my parents were.”
My head jerks in her direction without conscious thought of it. I never knew her parents were embarrassed by her business.
“That must’ve been hard for you, living with that constant scrutiny in the back of your mind.” Allie’s empathy is genuine, as is my utter shock. “Ryder, do you want to address her feelings?”
“Babe, I never knew that. You never told me.” I’m still floored and not sure how to respond.
“Why would I, Ryder? You didn’t care. If you’d paid attention, you would’ve noticed. But you felt the same as they did, so you looked the other way. My store may be unconventional as far as small towns go, but my merchandise has saved or breathed new life into countless relationships around here. I have nothing to be sorry about. I bet you can’t say the same though.”
“You’re right. I should’ve been more supportive. In fact, I realized that the other night after our talk. There are a lot of things I should’ve done differently. Had I known how much the gossip affected you, I would’ve demanded they stop. “
“Oh, please. They won’t stop just because Ryder King demands it. But you could’ve supported me through it much better than you did.” She fires her words back at me, aiming for my heart.
“You’re absolutely right, and I’ll own that. If I’d looked in the mirror and realized how much of an ass I was, I could’ve done a lot of things differently. But you weren’t the easiest person to be married to either, you know. All our problems weren’t because of me.” I lean forward in my seat, preparing for battle.
“Can you elaborate on that statement, Ryder?” Allie probes harder.
“Oh yeah, I can elaborate all right. With pleasure. Liv is a TV show cheater who has no regard for anyone else.”
“I’m sorry. She’s a what?”
“She’s a TV show cheater. We agreed to watch the Game of Thrones series together. No watching ahead when the other wasn’t around. No bingeing in secret. But she’d watch entire seasons while I was away,”
“You went hunting every weekend and for a solid week in the fall with the guys. It was cold and snowing, and I was home alone. You were off having fun without me, so I watched our show. I still watched it again with you.”
“And told me all the plot points before I saw them for myself. You’re a walking TV show spoiler alert.” I point at her to emphasize my point.
“At least I’m not embarrassed of you, even though you still can’t put the dishes in the right spot when you empty the dishwasher. It’s not like they haven’t been in the same damn spot for seven fucking years.”
“All right, guys, let’s get back to the feelings behind those aggravations rather than the acts themselves. Ryder, why does it bother you when Liv watches the show without you?” Allie tries to get us back on track again, but my feathers are still ruffled.
“It makes me feel angry.”
“I got that, but why? Dig deeper.”
With an exaggerated sigh, I let go of some of my irritation. “Because that was supposed to be our time together. We could experience the shocking revelations at the same time and talk about them afterward. That was our special time, and we didn’t have enough of that.”
Allie nods, both in understanding and in appreciation for my honesty.
“Olivia, you mentioned the embarrassment issue again after Ryder said he’d own it, so I think we need to explore that a little more. It obviously still bothers you.”
“Of course it still bothers me. How would you feel if the love of your life, your husband until death parts you, can’t even introduce you to new people out of fear they’ll ask what you do for a living? It’s bullshit.”
“Why did you stay with him, knowing that?”
“Because I love him, and my store isn’t as important as he is. Marriage requires a lot of forgiveness, every day.”
“Then what pushed you to the point of filing for a divorce?”
Here we go.
“We were arguing over what color to paint the spare bedrooms one day. He always starts a fight then blames me for it. Anyway—”
“I do not start fights. You start them then tell everyone I did.”
“Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, we were redecorating the spare bedrooms, and I mentioned it was time to make one of them into a nursery. You would’ve thought I’d asked him to donate a spare testicle to my gender reassignment operation. He lost all composure and eventually confessed he doesn’t want children. He wants to sell everything we own and travel the world instead. As if everything we own would finance that trip for more than a few months. Then we’d come back to—what? Absolutely nothing.
“A stable, mentally healthy grown man doesn’t think in those absurd terms. He’s having a midlife crisis or something along those lines at thirty years old. But he doesn’t want to stay here. He doesn’t want a family. And he doesn’t want to make a life with me. We’ve hit a brick wall and there’s no other way around this than to go our separate ways.”
“Is that how you feel, Ryder? That divorce is the only answer?” Allie rounds her desk and sits on the front of it, between Liv and me.
“No, I’ve never believed that. Despite the six million things about Liv that drive me absolutely insane, I think our love can overcome anything. She’s the one who decided what I want is absurd and what she wants is all that matters. She’s the one who dumped me like yesterday’s garbage when she didn’t get what she wanted. But then, our whole relationship has been about what she wants. Where we went to college, where we lived, and now, the fate of the rest of our lives.” I cut my eyes over to Liv and my heart skips a beat.
“That’s not fair, Ryder. We chose the college we both got into. If you wanted to go somewhere else, you should’ve spoken up. We moved back here because this is our home. Where else did you want to go? If you insisted that we move anywhere else, I must’ve been asleep. And as far as where you work, that arrangement was made with your parents, not me. How can you blame me for all your choices?”
“Because you wouldn’t have gone along with my choices, Liv. You would’ve told me to go live my best life without you.” I don’t know when I stood up, but now I’m pacing the length of the room, wondering how we’re at the boiling point of tempers when she was so happy and grateful just a few minutes ago.
“You never gave me an opportunity, though, did you? Instead, you made that decision for me, then blamed me for it every day since.” She’s quiet for a minute while I stare at the ceiling. “Allie, tell me something. How can any couple stay together when one of them has so much
hidden resentment and embarrassment toward the other? What hope could they possibly have?”
“Oh, you’d be surprised, Olivia. Sometimes this process feels like we’re reopening old wounds and pouring salt directly into them. But we have to dig into what caused those wounds before we can heal them. If you commit to doing just that, you can come out stronger and better healed on the other side. We’re not as concerned with who’s at fault as we are with how we can get closure for those wounds.”
Allie moves back to her seat behind the desk and retrieves her calendar. Our time today is almost up, and I feel further away from Liv than ever. Yeah, I heard her explanation and I understand we have to deal with our problems to get past them. This feels more like we’re getting ready to say goodbye and preparing our hearts for the final fracture.
“I have the same day and time open next week. Will that still work for you both?” She looks between us, waiting for an answer like she didn’t just start World War III.
“Fine,” we reply at the same time, making us finally meet each other’s gaze.
“I’m sorry I made you feel like I was ashamed of you. If I could go back and change every time that you felt that way because of me, I’d do it in a heartbeat. But all I can do is swear I’ll never make you feel that way again.”
Tears well in her eyes, but she quickly swallows her emotions, pushing them back down past the lump in her throat. “Thank you for saying that, Ry. This has been an especially emotional week, after a confrontation with my parents, another article about me, and a new step in my business. Then today.”
“What happened when you saw your parents?” This can’t be good.
She glances at Allie, who’s fully invested in our conversation now, then turns her attention back to me. “Maybe we should walk and talk. We’ve taken up enough of Allie’s time for today.”
“Good idea. I know just the place where we won’t be interrupted. We probably won’t even see another person.”
“That sounds exactly like what I need right now. Let’s go.”
As we say goodbye to Allie, I catch of glimpse of her in therapist mode, observing and studying how we interact. When she realizes I’ve caught her, she quickly schools her features and straightens her already crisp clothes. Now I wonder if we’re being observed when we don’t realize it. Is she reading the local tabloids too?
Liv and I walk together on the sidewalk outside the doctor’s office and Kiwi hops over to Liv’s shoulder. When we reach my truck, I open her door and help her in. On the way to the mountains, we keep the conversation light and easy, mostly talking about Kiwi and how busy Liv’s been the past week. Focusing on the topics that bring her peace will hopefully make the rest of our evening easier on her.
When I park at the trailhead, she looks over her shoulder at me with a smile. “You hate hiking this trail.”
“But you love it.”
With Liv on my arm and Kiwi on hers, we set off into the woods together. She begins telling me about her visit with her parents and how hurtful and disappointing it turned out for her. But for me, I’m completely livid. The only reason I’m not beating down their door to throttle them right now is because of the beautiful lady at my side. She deserves all my attention and support.
A single tear falls from her eye as she finishes the story about their encounter. She quickly wipes it away. Then she slides her arm around my waist and steps closer to me. Our feet fall in step as we stroll along the empty trail, taking our time and enjoying the company in silence. My arm encircles her shoulders.
“What can I do to make it better?” I lean over and kiss the top of her head, leaving my lips there for the connection.
“You’re already doing it. Just being here for me is enough.” She squeezes me in her way of saying thank you without saying a word.
“Give me a kiss, baby.” Kiwi bends her head to the side when she looks at me. “Big kiss.”
“Where is she learning these crazy phrases? She’s been saying all kinds of things to me lately.” I lean down and give Kiwi a kiss on her beak as she demanded.
“I have no idea, but she’s been saying unusual phrases to me too. One time she asked, ‘is she gone yet?’ She has even tried to whisper. Made me wonder if your girlfriend had been teaching my bird naughty words.”
“My girlfriend?” I laugh out loud at that notion. “You’re the only one for me, babe. Always have been. Always will be.”
She halts our steps and looks up at me. Her deep blue eyes burn into my soul. There’s a definite longing in there, but it’s deeper than physical intimacy. She’s craving the emotional intimacy only our love provides. She wants to say something, but she’s holding herself back. Her lips part and close. The anticipation is quickly replaced with hesitancy. But I can wait. It’s on the tip of her tongue.
“Momma, kiss Daddy.” Kiwi deserves another treat.
“Yeah, Momma. Kiss Daddy.” My invitation is wide open.
Chapter 13
Olivia
“No. No. No. Not again. This can’t be happening.” Three text message alerts set the tone for my day. They came in one after the other, all from different people, asking if the newest article posted on the MC Scoop blog is true.
“What’s wrong, babe?” Ryder raises his head from under his pillow to see what I’m freaking out about now.
“Apparently, I’m the hot topic of the MC Scoop again today. At this point, I’m almost afraid to read it. The last two articles were so flattering, after all.” I roll my eyes. “Tate must like you. She always makes you sound like a sex god while I’m the queen of the Jezebels.”
“A sex god, huh? I like the sound of that. Maybe you can scream it for me later.” He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me back down on the bed with him. “Or right now. Or now and later.”
“What do you think she’s saying about me this time? Everyone in a twenty-mile radius knows your truck has been in my driveway since our last therapy appointment seven days ago. What could possibly be news today? We haven’t bothered anyone.”
“Who cares what she writes, Liv? I sure as hell don’t. It’s almost as bad as being back in high school. We left all that stupid bullshit behind a long time ago. Even if I closed my store and spent every second of every day with my wife in her lingerie store, it’s no one else’s business. We can live our life however we want.”
“You’re right. It just seems like they’d get tired of talking about us and move on to something that matters. Why so many people are invested in our marriage is beyond me.”
“I’m just glad you’re still invested in it. I don’t give a shit if anyone else is.”
“I’m not even going to read it. Whatever it says isn’t worth my energy or the frustration it’ll cause. We deserved this time off together after everything we’ve been through.”
Our impromptu vacation was exactly what we needed. Our employees are more than capable of running the stores while we’re away. They also know all they have to do is call if an emergency arises. We’ve allowed everyone and everything else to run our lives, except ourselves.
After the last visit with my parents, I realized something important about myself and about Ryder. Throughout all the years since my parents moved us here to give me a small-town childhood, everyone thought my life was so easy and glamourous. My wealthy parents were always on one extravagant trip or another. The times they took me with them was to keep up the appearance of a happy family.
But they never truly wanted me. All I wanted was their love, but they can’t give what they don’t possess. Even as a kid, I knew I was a burden to them. A small-town childhood simply meant their jet-setter friends didn’t see their apathy toward me. No brothers or sisters confirmed I was their biggest mistake. I’ve always known, but I never had the courage to confront the truth until now.
Ryder, on the other hand, has been by my side since we were kids in elementary school. We’ve been friends, lovers, and soul mates, even amid all the pain and turmoil. We’ve aggrava
ted each other to no end, but we always end up back in each other’s arms. The love and belonging I tried to find in my family was never lacking in my relationship with Ryder.
My epiphany was simultaneously simple and profound. Everything I learned about love, I learned from Ryder. From the way he loves me to the things he does for me without my asking. By the way he takes care of me when I’m sick, starts my car when it’s cold, and brings me lunch when I’m busy at the store. I learned how to love and be loved in every little and grand gesture my husband has ever done for me and for us.
During our walk in the woods, he apologized profusely for making me feel as if he was anything remotely like my parents. He assured me he wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed by me or my work in the least. Owning two businesses trapped us here, and he feared we’d never get out of the rut.
I tried to tell him about my big news and how it may change our lives, but he wouldn’t let me finish. “No more talking about work or anything else outside this forest,” he said. Shielding us from the stressors in the world seemed important to him, so I dropped the subject for the time being. We’ve barely left the house over the last week while we continued to avoid any real-life problems.
“Now that we’re wide awake, I should get up and make you some breakfast. We have another thrilling therapy session today.” Ryder rolls out of bed and strolls through the bedroom, completely naked.
“We don’t have to talk to her if we tell her we decided to stop the divorce.”
He stops in his tracks and stares at me with a mixture of hope and fear in his eyes. “Are you serious, babe? Don’t fuck with me about this.”
“I wouldn’t do that to you. Not about something as important as this. You know I love you more than life itself. How am I supposed to live without you?”
“What about our irreconcilable differences?” He steps toward me, tentatively but also hopeful.
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