“No, my love. You did a lot more than that. Ry, I’m sorry I kept this from you and didn’t let you be part of it too. I wasn’t trying to shut you out. I just didn’t want to face the possible rejection. But now I realize I didn’t give you a chance when I assumed you’d be one of those who looked at me differently. That wasn’t fair to you or me, and I regret every moment of not letting you be my partner.” I cup my hands on his face, keeping our gazes locked in place.
“Thank you for saying that. I do appreciate the sentiment. But I’ve realized why you didn’t include me, and it’s my fault. Every time I made you feel ashamed for your talent or that I was embarrassed by your products, I pushed you farther into that corner. You never should’ve questioned how I’d react. That fault doesn’t lie with you. Please forgive me for making you feel anything less than the queen you are.” He lightly presses his lips to mine.
That’s all it takes. One touch, and my body’s on fire for all of him. That small kiss becomes urgent and demanding as our teeth clash and our tongues swirl. Our hands roam until every shred of clothing is left in a pile on the floor. Losing myself in Ryder is so easy to do. He knows exactly which button to push and when to do it. The way he makes love to my entire body is pure art. I’ve never been left wanting more. He’s never hurried to finish, putting his own pleasure before mine.
The bright lights of the city stream through the crack in the curtains, illuminating the dark room as we lie in the sweet afterglow of our reunion. He’s on his back and my head is on his chest. The lub-dub rhythm of his heartbeat has always lulled me to sleep.
“Babe?” His voice is soft in the dark, but I feel so much tenderness in it.
“Hmm?” I don’t move from my comfortable spot.
“Don’t take this the wrong way. I have a question for you.”
“Okay.” I’m already taking it the wrong way. He regrets tonight. He’s seen the craziness our life could become, and he wants out. So many doubts and questions invade my mind in the span of a split second.
“Is there anything else you haven’t told me? I’m not accusing, and I won’t be mad. Just tell me now if there’s anything I should know.” His fingers continue to stroke the skin along my spine… while I hesitate and gather my courage.
“There’s one thing I haven’t told you. It’s a fairly recent development.” I sigh deeply.
“Go on.” He doesn’t stop showing his love.
“I found out this morning… I’m pregnant.”
His hand stills.
Chapter 18
Ryder
After a full minute of stunned and awkward silence, I’m finally able to formulate a complete thought to respond to the latest one hundred megaton bomb Liv just dropped on my head.
“What?”
Smooth, slick. Most articulate and thorough.
My question also came out a little harsher than I intended.
I’m simply in complete shock and unsure of how I’m supposed to feel about this. Every emotion known to man courses through my veins, heating my blood and raising my temperature. My heart just dropped twenty-one floors to the lobby, leaving me here to wrestle with the aftermath, and my head is spinning out of control.
Liv raises her head, and the first emotion I see in her expression is fear. Her reaction alone hurts. She has nothing to be afraid of when she’s in my arms.
“Babe, I’m sorry. There’s something I need to confess to you so that you’ll understand. I haven’t exactly been Mr. Forthcoming myself.”
She sits up, pulling the sheet with her to cover herself, shielding her heart as she waits to hear what I have to say. “I’m listening.”
I slide up until my back rests against the headboard and take her hand in mine to reestablish our connection. “First, I need you to breathe because it’s not as horrible as the scenarios that are flying through your imagination right now. You’ll be mad at me for keeping it from you, and you have every right to be. All I ask is you hear my full story before your kick me out of your suite naked.”
A small smirk forms on her face. “Thanks for the great idea. Continue.”
“Let me ease your mind by assuring you I’m thrilled you’re pregnant. I can’t wait to have a baby with the love of my life. My reaction wasn’t out of anger, I promise.”
Her bottom jaw drops to her chest. “But you never wanted kids. You wanted to travel and see the world. A big family was never in the cards for you.”
“That was the perfect excuse to hide the truth, Liv. We’ve been married a long time and have been together even longer. We’ve never really been careful to avoid a pregnancy. We’ve been more than a little lax with any type of protection. I think we both just assumed we’d deal with it when it happened because we knew we’d be together regardless of when we had to face that responsibility.
“But then I realized how much time had passed and we’d never had so much as a scare, and I started getting worried. So, I went to a specialist, who pretty much told me I’d never be able to get you pregnant. How could I tell you I’d never be able to give you the one thing you wanted so much? Now I realize it was my fear ruling me, but I was afraid I’d lose you to someone who could provide that big family you’ve dreamed about. On the other hand, I loved you too much to keep that dream from you. Obviously, I’ve never been able to refuse you since we’ve had sex after every mediation meeting.”
When someone who rarely cries has large streams of tears flowing over her cheeks and can barely speak because of the sobs, it’s more than disconcerting. It’s downright scary.
She drops the sheet and climbs on my lap, straddling me and cupping my face in her hands. When she finally catches her breath, she stares deep into my eyes. “Ry, how could you not tell me what you were going through? That must have been pure hell on you, and you carried that burden all alone. I would’ve helped you. Did you think I’d stop loving you?”
“Liv, none of this is on you. I felt like less of a man, and because of that, I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want to see the pity when others looked at me, or hear the whispers about why we didn’t have kids. I didn’t want anyone to know I couldn’t father children, but I certainly didn’t want anyone blaming you for it. Getting out of town and away from everyone we knew seemed like the perfect solution. Our lives would seem like one big adventure and jumping from place to place would take our minds off anything else.”
“What did the doctor say to you, exactly?”
“He said it would be highly unlikely I’d ever be able to impregnate you the old-fashioned way, and that we’d have to employ more creative methods if we wanted a family. At first, all I heard him say was I’m sterile. But I started doing more research and realized he meant in vitro fertilization and other scientific techniques of impregnating you. Still, the possible complications I read about with those procedures deterred me. I couldn’t put you through failed implantations.” I’d blame myself for the repeated defeats if we had to go through multiple attempts.
“You are the most stubborn man I know, Ryder King. Of course I want a big family with you. You’re my husband and I love you with all my heart. Having a baby with you felt like the next natural step in our relationship and thinking about you being a father was a natural aphrodisiac. But I fell in love with you, not your ability to give me children. I’m spending my life with you because you’re my one and only love. If we weren’t able to have a baby, my love for you wouldn’t change. You confused me with your absolute refusal to even talk about it, and I began to think you hated our life together.” The pain in her eyes spills over to her facial expression, conveying her torment more eloquently than her words ever could.
“If I could turn back time, I’d tell you what the doctor said that very day so we could figure it out together. I’m sorry I didn’t give you the opportunity to be my partner and help make the decisions that impact both of us and our future. We’re in this together, and I promise you this one thing. You’ll know every single detail about my testicles from now o
n. You can examine them, up close and personal, any time you want.” I wipe the last of her tears from her face and feel an intense sense of relief when she smiles again.
“Is there anything else, or was that all you had to confess?” She arches one brow. “Now’s your chance to get it all out in the open.”
“That’s all I’ve got, babe. You know everything else about me.” I tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear.
“I’m glad to hear that. You just saved yourself from an embarrassing naked walk of shame through the hotel where everyone would have a chance to examine your testicles.” She giggles maniacally as the visual floats through her mind. “Now that we know for sure it’s possible, even if it’s unlikely, I think we can both chill and take it one day at a time. All that matters is we’re together. If we only have one baby, that’s enough for me. We are connected, heart and soul, Ry. I’ll stand by you, come what may. ”
“Liv, you’re going to be a mommy.” I intentionally lower my voice to keep her full attention on me.
Her eyes grow wide, and her jaw is slack. “Oh my gosh, Ryder. I am! With everything going on, it hasn’t really hit me until just now. I mean, I knew this morning, but oh my gosh. What… how am I… will we… Ryder.”
“Babe, you’re rambling. Take a deep breath. I’ve got you.” My smile is permanently attached to my face. My cheeks hurt from holding it in place for so long.
“So you’re happy about this? I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you all day. I wasn’t sure how you’d take it since you were very convincing about not wanting any.”
“I’m thrilled, babe. I’m going to be a father, and I get to spoil you for the next nine months.”
She leans in to kiss me. “You get to spoil me for the rest of your life.”
“Yes, obviously that’s what I meant. The next nine months will only raise the bar.” We laugh together, and for the first time in a while, I believe we’ll be okay.
“Ryder, you’re going to be a daddy.” She uses my tactic against me. It works.
“Damn straight. I’m already looking forward to trying to get you pregnant again after this one is born.” I waggle my brows suggestively.
“This is why I love you so much. You’re always planning for our future.”
After a long day and night, we settle back in the bed. Liv’s back is against my front, my arm is draped protectively over her, and we lose the battle against exhaustion within minutes. When the bright morning sun wakes me, we’re still in the same position as when we drifted off to sleep last night. Liv’s still in a deep slumber, so I lie as still as I can to let her rest as long as she needs.
There were so many times over the past year I thought I’d lost her for good. Somehow, we’ve managed to hang on and pull through some of the hardest and darkest days we’ve ever had. But the trials and tribulations have made us stronger. The secrets and insecurities have made us both more aware of ourselves. Not that I had any valid reasons not to trust Liv before, but now I have no doubt she’ll always stand beside me. There’s no question in my mind that I’ll do the same for her. Our time apart proved one fact—there’s nothing we want more than each other.
Planning for our future, as Liv put it, has always come naturally to me. I’ve never seen my future without her in it. So my ideas and plans revolved around her and what we can do together. The jewelry store wasn’t in my plans, but I’m grateful for the experience it’s given me. That will help me execute my next idea, provided Liv’s on board.
“What’s on your mind, Ry?” Liv’s sleepy voice breaks the silence.
“How’d you know I was lying here thinking about something?” She knows me far too well.
“Your body tenses up all over, and you scrub your fingers across your beard over and over. You always give yourself away when you’re planning and scheming in bed.” Her body shakes with laughter.
“Mom and Dad are moving back to Mason Creek. I guess living the hobo life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Anyway, I’m considering selling the store back to them and starting something new I think you’d enjoy being part of, and it’s somewhat connected to your passion.” After I count to three, I calm my Type A personality as I exhale, relaxing all my contracted muscles.
“That sounds truly intriguing. I’m ready to hear more.” She rolls over to face me. “If we can do it together, you know I’m in.”
“When you said you were helping your friend, Miranda, plan her wedding in Mason Creek, an idea took root in my mind. We could start a full-service wedding planning business. We know all the local contacts to arrange for the cake, flowers, catering, ministers, and rooms. We could carry the themes of your lingerie line into the wedding themes. Some of the packages would include your products. The jewelry store could also benefit from it through selling rings and small gifts for the bridal parties. We could market it as an all-inclusive service and have an à la carte menu.”
“Where are we going to hold all these wonderful ceremonies?”
“Maybe we sell the house and the condo to buy a bigger place farther out of town. We can get a farm where we’d have a dedicated area for customers that’s far enough away from the main house to keep it private. Eventually, we can add honeymoon cabins for the happy couples. If this takes off, I can go on and on with ideas to add to it. Christmas in Mason Creek may be cold, but it’s beautiful. There are so many variations of Christmas-themed parties and ceremonies we can host.” The more I talk about it, the more excited I become because this is something we can build together.
“You could custom design jewelry, Ry. You’ve always had a knack for that.” She looks down at our hands. Our matching bands haven’t left our fingers despite the direction we were headed. “But you definitely should handle the marketing for us. You have so many creative, outside-the-box ideas that could make all the difference. Do you enjoy marketing?”
“Yes, I really do. It keeps my mind sharp and makes me pay attention to trends.”
“Maybe we should look into hiring a store manager for the day-to-day operations while you and I focus on the other priorities. I mean, I can draw the designs and submit them to the manufacturer from home. I’d be there with the baby and Kiwi most of the time. You can advertise and run the wedding business from the grounds. Plus, you’d be right there with us all the time.” The hope and enthusiasm that were staples in her personality before our problems are back in full force. I finally feel as if I’m getting my Livvy back again.
“I love the way your brain works. Those are great ideas, and I completely agree. We need to write out our business plan then start getting the word out. Our little bundle of joy will be here before we know it. Once she’s born, I won’t want to let either of you out of my sight. I’m wrapped around your little finger. What can I say?”
“Do you think the whole town already knows I’m pregnant?” She smiles broadly.
“Not a chance. Let’s not tell anyone until we can’t hide your tummy anymore. We’ll go to the doctor in another town so no one sees us and can start speculating. With all the new business you’ll have when they pick the winning ad agency, you’ll be too busy to hang around town anyway. We can be moved into our new place in no time. Grady can sell both places for us. What do you say?”
“Faith will kill me for keeping this pregnancy from her, but I will if you don’t tell Grayson either.” She holds her pinky out and I wrap mine around it.
“Deal. This is our happy, life-changing secret for as long as we’re able to keep it from everyone.”
On the flight back to Montana, Liv tells me about her ‘Draw the Shades’ night, and the shocking news of repairing relations with her parents. While I have a hard time believing they didn’t realize any of the damage they caused her by their aloofness, I also realize I have to give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, there were vital secrets Liv and I kept from each other for various reasons. None of which were to harm the other, but the end result was the same. We didn’t fully comprehend how our actions
did hurt each other, though our love never waned. The consequence was a natural wedge driven between us, and we didn’t know how to overcome that division for a while.
We’ve started on a new course now though, and we’ve learned from our mistakes. Some topics are painful and hard to breach, but we’re committed to weathering all the storms life throws at us together. Neither of us is perfect. We’ve talked about always being merciful in those times when it becomes painfully obvious. Daily forgiveness will be our ongoing mantra. When we need time to work through a problem in our own head before sharing it, we’ll give each other space. We’re old enough to realize that will happen on occasion. We’re not so naïve as to think life will be all rose petals and milk chocolates. Thorns and dark chocolate will always find their way in to muck things up.
“You know, I just thought of something.” Liv leans toward me with a mischievous smile.
“This should be good. What is it?” One side of my mouth lifts on its own.
“Judge Nelson will never give us that divorce when he finds out I’m pregnant and you’re the cause of it. He’ll know what we’ve been doing.”
“Everyone already knows what we’ve been doing. Grayson gave me hell for it after every time.” I can’t help but laugh because it’s true. We couldn’t stay apart even during our legal separation. “As for Judge Nelson, I think you’re probably right That means you’re stuck with me. Trapped like a fish in a net. Caught like a mouse in a trap. I have papers on you that say you’re mine, and I’m not giving them up.”
“Papers on me? I think you mean I have papers on you.” She pokes my arm with a laugh.
“You certainly do. It would be inhumane to send me back to the pound now. You rescued me so you have to keep me.”
“We need to call George first thing when we get back and tell him we’ve worked out the custody agreement. He’ll be so happy. He’ll probably take that vacation to Tahiti he keeps talking about. Do you think he’ll send us a postcard?”
Perfect Excuse (Mason Creek Book 11) Page 15