by Lym Cruz
I rested my head on the seat of the couch and my tension dissolve. I was sated and for those short seconds, I was whole. All of my problems faded into the background.
However, the feeling didn’t last long. The euphoria diminished and I went from sky-high to rock bottom. I hated myself. I’d fought hard to lose weight and to stay healthy all these years. Clenching my eyes shut, I pictured the obese girl I used to be and eating the way I had, was one step closer to returning there.
The chubby cheeks.
The flabby arms.
The enormous belly.
I punched the empty box off my lap and sprinted to the bathroom. Kneeling before the toilet, I battled with myself. I promised my family, my therapist and Erica that I’d never do this again. I was better than this. I had moved past this.
But the urge to punish myself was all-consuming. I was never good enough. No wonder people eventually pushed me away. The past months were arduous. Getting through the day without stuffing my face was almost unbearable. And now that I had caved, giving in to my demons, there was no way I could allow all those calories to reside inside me. I had to get rid of them.
Sticking my index finger down my throat, I gagged. I pushed further until the contents of my stomach erupted through my mouth. I threw up until there was nothing more to expel.
Tears formed in my eyes and with a quiet sniffle, I broke. I moved away from the bowl and rested against the wall. My sobs became louder and I brought my knees up to my chest, hugging my body while my shoulders shook with every cry.
It was a one-time thing. I’d never do it again.
Chapter Three
Ezra
Ipulled up to the curb of Collin Books’ office building as the early morning traffic cleared up. Having found a place to park, I spotted my uncle, Vinnie, a couple of cars ahead. He was standing on the sidewalk with a deep frown etched across his features. A woman stood in front of him. She was blonde and had on a pair of large sunglasses that covered half of her face. Vinnie stepped forward and grabbed her by the arm, pulling her closer to him.
I couldn’t hear what he was saying, but by the way his face turned a mottled crimson and his eyes popped indicated that the conversation was far from amicable. As his neck strained, his lips moved rapidly, firing out words.
The woman yanked her arm out of his hold, stepped back and raised her index finger, pointing straight at him. When she finished talking, she crossed the road and got into a cab that rushed past me.
Vinnie paced, running his hand repeatedly through his hair. He stopped and looked up at the clear skies. I watched as his shoulders rose from the large intake of air and when he expelled the breath, his shoulders lowered. Only then did he march into the building.
I observed him until he was out of sight. As I was about to leave the car, my phone rang. Rowan’s name flashed on my screen. I silenced it, ignoring the call.
The moment I stepped onto the pavement, a black SUV with tinted windows drew up beside me. The back door swung open and before I could react, two men grabbed me, then shoved me into the backseat and slammed the door. The car sped off.
Next to me sat a young boy, eighteen at most, holding a gun to my temple. The metal was cold against my skin. I wasn’t afraid. I knew exactly where I was being taken. However, the boy seemed frightened. Probably his first time handling a gun. He was shaking so much that the gun was more likely to go off by accident than by design. I leaned back on the seat and the metal slip away from my face. He must have understood that he wasn’t scaring anyone.
“Why aren’t you at school?” I asked the boy with my eyes shut.
“Zip it or I’ll shoot you,” he said, attempting to sound tough.
I scoffed. “There is life outside of this you know. You could be somebody.”
“Maybe you should take your own advice.”
“Shut the fuck up. Both of you,” said one of the two men sitting at the front. I didn’t bother to open my eyes and see which.
No one uttered another word until we reached our destination and the car came to a halt. The two men in the front seats got out, opened my door and threw me on the street. A shove to the middle of my back propelled me to move forward, through an open door.
Inside, a strong odor of bleach drifted up into my nose as a young woman mopped the floors. I was guided to an alcove in the far corner of the empty restaurant. All the windows were shut and the lights were off except for a few over the bar casting a brownish hue on its surroundings.
“Ezra,” Rowan sang with my arrival. “It’s so good to see you.” He placed the drink in his hand down on a wooden table covered in rings from beer glasses and cigarette buds. He stood and hugged me, patting my back like we were old friends reuniting. Then he invited me to take a seat next to him.
I slipped beside him, folding my hands on the table. “I thought I told you I wanted out.”
Rowan was a refined man. He never wore anything less than a suit and today was no different with his choice being a pinstriped, charcoal one. His dark blond hair was combed back, not a strand out of place.
He smiled contradicting the hard stare in his eyes. “There is no out. You should know that by now. But...” He paused, shifting in his seat to look straight at me. His blue eyes danced with elation. He raised his hand mimicking the shape of a gun and pressed it against my temple. “If you don’t want to be bothered again, I could put a bullet right through here.” A flicker of light caught his gold cufflinks. “Bam!” His smile broadened and his stare hardened. “Or maybe I could go for that pretty cousin of yours. The one who wants to be a doctor, or is it a dentist?”
Rage flowed through me like lava and quickened through my blood at the mention of my family. He was referring to Alexa, Vinnie’s daughter. She was more like a sister and the thought of anyone in my family being hurt because of me caused regret to coil in my stomach. Involuntarily, my jaw tensed. I stilled the vortex of anger swirling inside of me and suppressed my emotions.
Rowan had me in the palm of his hand and I knew that if he wanted me gone, all he had to do was close his fist and crush me.
I swatted his hand away from my face. “What do you want?”
“What I always want. I need you to clean some cash for me. It’s urgent.”
Another surge of remorse washed over me like the long, slow waves on a shallow beach. Each wave was icy and sent shivers down my spine. How I longed to go back and take a different path. Undo my mistakes but that was impossible.
When Rowan learned that I was an accountant and that my uncle owned an accounting firm, he’d forced me to help him launder drug money. Sometimes I even did it through my uncle’s firm. By assisting him, I also learned that this organization was much bigger than what I imagined and Rowan was also just a pawn in this game. Whoever he answered to, was the mastermind behind the entire operation.
“How much?” I asked.
“Not much.” From the floor, he seized a blue backpack and set it in front of me.
I opened it and it was filled with cash. At least fifty grand, judging by a quick assessment. “Give me two weeks.”
He shook his head. “Make it happen in three days.”
“You know I need more time than that.”
He growled. “One week then.”
I didn’t bother to offer a response. Time was essential and he knew it. Everything had to be done with precision to avoid drawing attention. I’d do it in two weeks and I was sure he’d wait.
I took the backpack and stood when Rowan said, “Next time, answer the damn phone. I like you, Ezra, and I wouldn’t want to see you hurt.”
The reminder that there would be a next time tore me in half. Guilt housed itself not only on my chest but inside my brain. I’d hurt people, even if indirectly. I hoped that one day I would be detached from my sins. Washed clean of it. But the guilt was a stain on my soul, an ugly scar that I doubted would ever fade.
Without acknowledging him, I strode out wondering if he ever thought of Neo.
When I entered the office, no one else had arrived to work yet except for Vinnie. The room was quiet, save for the photocopying machine that hummed quietly in his office.
I intended on questioning my uncle about what I saw this morning, but before confronting him, I hid the backpack underneath my desk. Then I went to the breakroom and prepared him a cup of coffee.
When I returned to the office, I placed the scalding mug on Vinnie’s desk. He inhaled the rising steam and exhaled a long, lazy breath. His demeanor was changed. There was no trace of the fury present less than an hour ago.
“I don’t know what my life would be without you, kid,” he said, appreciating the aroma.
“Devoid of caffeine, I guess.”
Vinnie wasn’t only my uncle, but also my boss and friend. He was in his late fifties but his dark eyes raged with life. The smoky-gray tresses gave him a certain charm. His smile was gentle and heart-warming.
Vinnie owned Collin Books and I’d worked side by side with him since I was sixteen. My job description fluctuated from preparing financial statements to picking up Vinnie’s dry-cleaning. I never complained because I loved my job and loved my uncle even more.
“I guess.” Vinnie laughed and took a sip of his coffee. I heard a racket coming from outside of his office, indicating that the rest of the employees were arriving. “Tell Sienna I need the credit sales reconciliation for GFR done today. Frank can’t forget his meeting with Mr. Hans since he’s vetting us to take care of his books. He better make a good impression. We’re already short on clients as it is.”
I nodded, scribbling on my notepad as he continued to give out today’s assignments. Vinnie looked over his computer, pressed a few keys, and then said, “I know you’re overworked. I’ve set up a few interviews for next week and, hopefully, we’ll find someone that fits.”
We were understaffed, yes, but we also couldn’t afford to hire more than one person due to the company’s financial situation. Collin Books wasn’t doing well—it was no secret. What kept us afloat were old clients, owners of small and medium enterprises—from the era where everything was done on pen and paper on actual books—and those who were loyal to Vinnie.
“Sure. Anything else?” I asked and he shook his head. “I’ll have to extend my lunch by twenty minutes or so, is that okay?”
“Yes, as long as everything is up to speed around here.”
“I’ll make sure it is.”
I paused, uncertain of how to bring up what I had seen. When I didn’t speak or move Vinnie arched a brow. “Something else on your mind?”
Clearing my throat, I pushed my shoulders forward. “I saw you downstairs arguing with a woman earlier this morning.”
My uncle’s face paled as white as chalk. His eyes were frozen wide open in an expression of stunned surprise, and although he was staring straight at me, he appeared to not notice me at all. His strong reaction puzzled me. I waved my hand in his face to bring him back from wherever his mind had wandered to.
He blinked a few times gathering his thoughts then spoke just above a murmur, “Ezra.” A hand moved up to massage his temple. “It was nothing. Forget about it.”
Not the response I was expecting. My uncle was always upfront about everything. There wasn’t a time when I asked a question that he didn’t give me a straight answer. Thus, I pressed, sensing there was a lot to be told. Like for starters, who the hell was that woman?
Almost as if he could read my thoughts he added, “Whatever is going through your mind, trust me, it’s not even close to the truth.”
“Why don’t you tell me what the truth is?”
“Ezra.” He exhaled heavily. “Forget what you saw today. It was nothing. Now get going, the others have arrived and are waiting for their assignments.”
“How can you say that? You were arguing with that woman.”
“Let. It. Be, Ezra.” He uttered the words with an air of finality to them. I knew my uncle well enough and decided to back down. I wasn’t going to get any answers from him, at least not right now.
I left his office even more troubled than when I entered. Something wasn’t right. However, I stowed those thoughts as I stepped into the room outside Vinnie’s office.
Eight cubicles, separated by blue partitions, shared a common area. The space was small and warm. There was only one window, vertical, narrow and sealed with blue blinds. Nonetheless, what the room lacked in amenities was made up by the individual personalities occupying the cubicles.
“Stacie,” I said, standing next to the round table opposite the partitioned side of the room. “Vinnie—”
She interrupted me and said, “Already on it. I got the email yesterday.”
“Frank.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he said and lifted his thumb.
“Sienna.”
“Why do you insist on doing this every day?” Sienna flipped her orange hair back rolling her blue eyes. “Vinnie emails us the updates, you know?”
“Old habits die hard,” I replied, heading towards my desk. “Or they don’t die at all.”
I wheeled my chair to the right and poked my head over at Stacie’s desk. Her cubicle had her favorite biblical verses stuck all around it, plus pictures of her fiancé, who happened to be Frank.
“Stacie, did you help Vinnie pick the candidates for the interview?”
“Yup.” Stacie picked up a pile of applications and handed them to me. Her red lips took the shape of a broad and proud grin clashing beautifully with her brown skin. “All are recent college graduates or those looking for internships who aren’t overly demanding when it comes to compensation. I know the drill.” She winked.
I thanked Stacie and leaned forward, placing my elbows on my desk and held my head in my hands.
My mind was racing. Unexpectedly, the image of Neo’s lifeless body flashed through my brain. I blinked it away, cursing beneath my breath.
It seemed unfair that no matter how much I strived to be the man my conscience wanted me to be, my failures kept taunting me. Each time the regrets reemerged I would diligently analyze every wrong step I took. It was torture. I had to find a way to undo my wrongs.
Stacie ran her hand over my back. I startled.
“What’s up, Ezra?”
I raked my hands through my hair and tugged at the strands. “Nothing.” I sat up and gave her the most honest smile I could offer. “I’m just tired.”
Disbelievingly, she arched a brow. “You should get some rest.”
I smiled again and powered on my computer, pushing aside all the problems I’d brought upon myself. But like an unforgiving specter, the regrets would be back to haunt me on a seemingly endless loop.
My phone danced on my desk with an incoming text.
Melissa: Hey!
Melissa: Don’t forget to meet Christina at the bookstore.
Melissa: 12:30
Ezra: Haven’t forgotten.
Chapter Four
Christina
Similar to most days of my life, I finished my shower and stood naked before the full-length mirror, inspecting every inch of my body. I sucked in a breath, tucking in my stomach, wishing it was flatter. Letting go of the trapped air, I spread out my arms desiring that they were thinner. I examined the swells of my breasts and hunched my shoulders, wondering why they were this big. My eyes lowered and I turned enough to see the bones of my ribs becoming visible beneath my skin, the sight pleased me. But then I saw the curve of my hip. Too wide.
What infuriated me most were the stretch-marks on my bulging waistline. They ran vertically from my pubis to my belly button, marring my skin in long, ropey lines. After losing eighty-seven pounds, I was left with plenty of those as a reminder of my former self. They bothered me. The lines made me ugly, repulsive even.
I turned a little more and the marks continued down to my colossal buttocks, all the way to the apex of my thighs where they were fainter and almost unnoticeable. But I spotted every one of them. I’d used everything to try to remove the
m but nothing helped. Cosmetic surgery was my best option, but I couldn’t afford it.
My shoulders sagged.
I didn’t want to feel the way I did. But I didn’t know how to mute the voice in my head that told me every day, for years, how disgusting I was, sucking away the dregs of self-confidence I had. I was trapped, unable to escape from myself. It was all I wanted to do, to run away from this body but unfortunately, it wouldn’t let me go.
Before Robert, things were tough but at least I was eating healthy, exercising and following my therapist’s instructions. After Robert, I derailed.
Taking a step forward, I climbed on the scale. The reading displayed 128.25 pounds. I’d lost ten pounds and I planned on losing more.
The house phone rang in the kitchen startling me. I pulled on a robe to cover myself and ran out to answer it.
“Ezra said he’ll be at the bookshop,” Melissa said as soon as I took the call.
“Landlines are pretty cool,” I joked. “I don’t think I’ve ever used one before.”
“Just be there on time.”
I rolled my eyes, mumbling, “I’ll be there.”
“We can have lunch at Mollie’s afterward. Erica will be there too.”
“Sure.”
“Great. I’ll see you later.”
Strolling through the rows of the bookstore, I lost myself searching for new thrillers to read. I picked a few promising ones to add to my immense collection of unread novels, and then walked to the cash register. There were three people in front of me. I tapped on the shoulder of the girl ahead and asked for the time.
I thanked her and fixed my gaze at the entrance. Ezra was expected to stroll in any minute now. It didn’t take a lot of waiting, about two minutes later, he walked in with his dark hair up in a messy bun. Dark slacks and a blue dress shirt. His strides were of ease and confidence. Shoulders back. Chin high. Eyes locked with mine.