by Lindy Zart
“Why? Why would he want to be with you when he loves me?” There is a desperate, pleading note to my voice, and I loathe it. I turn away from the woman destroying my happiness. I can't stand to look at her.
“I’m sorry. Honestly I am. I don't want you to be hurt. I don't want anyone to be hurt. I just want Grayson.”
I slowly look up. I see the truth of her words in her expression. “How can you want to be with him knowing he doesn’t really want to be with you?”
Her eyes darken and the smile fades. “Deep down, he knows he’s doing the right thing. I can love him like you never allowed yourself to. I think he knows that as well.”
“What do you mean, the right thing?” I ask in a voice that shakes.
Her expression shifts and becomes closed. “The right thing for him, for our future family.”
My eyes flicker to her flat abdomen and the sick feeling is so strong I have to fight to remain upright. “What are you talking about?”
“I think you know.”
A dull roar forms in my eardrums. No. It can't be. There is no way this can be happening. And then I get an image in my head of Grayson laughing and smiling down at his baby; his and Megan's baby. I cannot stand the thought of him being forever gone, being with someone else and having children that should be ours. Growing old, while I watch from afar, wanting her life to be mine and knowing it will never be so. We are supposed to be together, whether we’re meant to be or not.
Megan sighs and brushes a strand of hair from her cheek. “I know you love him. I know you love him as much as I do, but I also know you don’t love him more than I do. In time you'll understand. This is for the best.”
“Stop,” I whisper brokenly, closing my eyes against her words. I cannot bear to hear anymore. I cannot look at the woman who will soon have everything that is supposed to be mine.
A long moment passes.
I open my eyes, finding the restroom empty once more. I splash water on my pale face with hands that shake, pressing an arm across my midsection when a sob forms. I mourn the loss of Grayson, the loss of my love, the loss of hope, the loss of me.
I WAS GOING TO LEAVE. I was almost to the door when the bitterness seeped in. All it took was a look their way. He remains by her side; not disavowing her words; not even trying to talk to me. Why won't he look at me? Logically this isn't like him at all, but my emotions are taking over and I can't even think straight. I don't know what's real anymore. He can't be having a baby with her. It can't be true. And yet there he is, across the room, with her.
I have never been a big drinker—I don’t like the way I feel and I don’t like the way I act under the influence of alcohol. I also know Grayson doesn’t like it. Watching people drink makes him worried, because his mother is an alcoholic and his childhood was tainted because of it. But, seeing as how he is ignoring me, I decide to drink—a lot. I guess it’s childish and spiteful to do something I know he is against. It’s my little revenge and every time he glances my way, which is insignificantly not that often, I make sure I have a drink in my hand. It is like he is seeing through me.
What is going on?
I need to confront him. All it took was a little doubt; a little betrayal, and I lost my courage. Why won't he meet my eyes? It must be true. He looks so tense, his jaw stiff, his eyes unseeing as they glance from face to face, always searching for someone. Who is he searching for? I thought it was me. I always thought it was me. I want to scream at him. I want to throw my drink in his face and hit him and scream at him. My grip tightens around the glass I am holding.
“What are you doing?” Garrett demands. He and Emily are watching me, looking at me like I am diseased.
“Where did you come from?”
“Your brother invited me, remember? I'm the one friend of yours he actually likes.”
“No. I mean, when did you get here? Where have you been?”
Garrett sounds tired as he repeats, “What are you doing, Lily?”
I finish the last swallow of rum and Coke, averting my head to hide a grimace as I set the glass down at the nearest table. “I’m drinking,” I say, turning back to face the pair. “What are you doing?” I poke Garrett in the chest, swaying forward.
“Are you okay, Lily?” Emily asks, looking concern.
“I’m fine. Everything is fine.” The grin falls from my face. “Why aren’t you two dancing?”
“We were, but then we saw you…” she trails off, looking troubled.
“Saw me what?” I ask, my eyebrows lifting.
“You don’t drink.”
I squint my eyes at Garrett. “Well I am. So I must.”
“What happened?” he asks with a sigh.
“Nothing. Go away. Go have fun with your fiancée and don’t trouble yourself with me.” I suddenly hate that word. Fiancée. It puts a horrible taste in my mouth. That will probably be next on Megan's list.
“You’re not twenty-one.” Emily shifts her feet, avoiding my gaze.
I widen my eyes and clap a hand to my mouth. “I’m not? I had no idea. Thanks for letting me know.”
“Knock it off,” Garrett hisses, looking around us. “What is your problem?”
“Did I do something to upset you?” Emily wonders; her eyebrows pinched.
Remorse washes through me. I like Emily. She is kind-hearted and doesn’t deserve my mistreatment, no matter what kind of mood I am in.
“No.” I put a hand on her shoulder, leaning close to better see her pretty face. She looks so innocent, so untouched by bitterness. I envy her. I want what Emily and Garrett have and I can’t have it. “I’m sorry. I’m happy for you. You should be happy. You’re a good fiancée. I’m glad you’re Garrett’s fiancée.”
“Thank you.” The frown deepens. “Are you okay?”
“Am I okay?” I mutter, glancing toward Grayson and Megan.
My eyes always seem to know exactly where they are. They are standing next to Aidan and my parents, looking oblivious to the turmoil from across the room that is me. I catch Aidan's confused look and quickly glance away. Apparently they haven't shared the wonderful news yet, or maybe they have, judging from the tight-lipped expression on my dad's face. My mom just looks shocked. Why are they by my parents? I want to tell them to get away from them. I want to do a lot of things.
A hand manacles my bicep and gently squeezes. Garrett’s voice is low as he speaks next to my ear. “What is going on? What happened? Do you need us to take you home?”
“She told me...” I trail off, unable to say the words out loud. Saying them makes it all real.
“Who told you what?” His eyes follow mine. “Isn't that Grayson's ex-girlfriend? What is she doing here?” Garrett turns a face darkened by fury my way. “You tell me what's going on and you tell me right now. Why is he over there with her? Why is she here? What happened?”
“She hinted that...she...she is having a baby. His...Grayson's... baby,” I choke out, blinking tear-filled eyes.
“What?” Garrett takes a deep breath as he runs a hand through his hair. “I thought he broke up with her? How far along is she? Is it for sure his?”
I shrug helplessly. My stomach roils and I place a hand to it. I can't think about that. There is a life growing inside her belly that is partly Grayson's. My hand limply falls away from my own stomach as the alcohol I drank decides it wants to come back up.
“How do you know she isn't lying?” Emily asks, gently touching my shoulder.
“She's here. She's by him. He hasn't talked to me since she showed up.” I look down, slowly inhaling.
“So this past month...all this shit with you...he was playing you?” His voice is incredulous.
“Garrett, calm down,” Emily murmurs, rubbing his back.
He takes a steadying breath. “I always thought he was an asshole.”
“He said the same about you,” I remind him with a twisted smile.
“Yeah. I guess. Looks like him more than me.”
Emily presses a kiss to h
is cheek and Garrett smiles wanly back. I watch how she comforts him and how he draws strength from her, and my lower lip wobbles. I can't do this. I need to leave. I should have left right away. Suddenly feeling sick, I lurch in the direction of the door.
“Hey, where are you going?” Garrett steadies me as I sway to the right.
“Home,” I mumble. The room is spinning and I can't focus on anything.
“We'll take you home.”
I nod, allowing them to help me to the door. “Dad, Mom, Scott, Cindy—I'm leaving. Congratulations again,” I call out as we pass by, making sure I keep my gaze from Grayson and Megan.
“What's going on? Are you sick?” my mom asks in a worried voice.
“Nah,” I tell her in a completely non-slurring tone.
A glass of water is shoved in front of my face with the command, “Drink this.”
I look up, blinking my eyes until a tight-jawed Grayson materializes. “Go to hell.”
One lone eyebrow lifts. “Drink this or you'll feel like you're in hell.”
Glaring at him, I spit out, “It can't be any different than how I feel now.”
“Why don't you just leave her alone? Haven't you done enough?” Garrett growls, placing himself between me and Grayson.
“Move.”
“No.”
His jaw clenches and he shoves forward until he is glaring at Garrett from inches away. “If you don't move, right now, I will move you. No one gets between me and Lily, especially not you.”
I inhale sharply.
“Really? Not even her?” Garrett points at Megan.
A tick forms under his left eye. “You don't know what you're talking about.”
“Oh, I think I do.”
“Just drink the damn water,” Grayson half-pleads, staring at me and no one else.
It is like Megan isn't even here and that just pisses me off more. I want him to say something, to explain what's going on, to tell me none of this is true. But he doesn't. He just looks at me with his fiercely handsome face, studying me like I am all that he sees. He has no right to look at me that way, not now. I grab the glass of water and chug it, tossing the empty cup at him. It hits him in the chest and he doesn't even react; his eyes dark and laced with something I can't determine in the low lighting. Not that I care.
‘Wagon Wheel’ by Darius Rucker starts and I grab Garrett's hands, tugging. “Let’s dance.”
“Lily,” he moans, but allows me to pull him to the designated dancing area. “Don't you think we should take you home? Especially with Grayson and everything that's going on?”
We are the only ones on the dance floor. Both Garrett and Emily are watching me, not moving. “After this song,” I promise. I spin around, coming back to face him to say, “Come on. I’m fine. I just need to dance.”
Emily takes one hand and Garrett takes the other and we dance. I let the music take over, removing Grayson from my thoughts, and instead focus on the sounds around me, allowing them to embrace me and take me away from my reality. ‘Part of Me’ by Katy Perry is next. My movements turn faster, until everything is a blur and I am free.
The dance floor fills up, bodies bumping into one another. The air is hot and stifling. I sing along to the music, laughing as Sam and Angela join in. Sam’s dance moves consist of running in place. Angela tries to help him, but their legs get jumbled up and they both end up on the floor in a heap.
My eyes slide to where Grayson stands on the edge of the dance floor, watching me. I turn away from his brooding eyes. I don't want to care about him right now. I don't want to think about him. In fact, I don't even want to remember him. I'll think about it tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll let my heart break. Not now—not tonight.
I shake my hips and place my hands on the back of my head, not caring that my hair is falling out of the bobby pins to frame my face in a mass of tangled waves. A new song begins and I don’t know it, but it forces me to slow down and I tingle in response to the words and beat, moving accordingly. I dip down with my hands on my knees and turn from the left to the right, slowly standing again.
Stone is suddenly before me. “Hey, you. Miss me?” He grins and puts his hands on my hips. I don't push him away.
“Hey!” I am unusually happy to see him. Maybe it's because he is a friend. Maybe it's because I am drunk. “Where'd you come from?”
He shrugs. “I'm a tag-along. Story of my life.” He grins, showing it doesn't bother him.
I like Stone—not romantically, but enough. I especially like him now, when I am hurting and need a distraction. I turn around, arching my back into him, not thinking about who he is or isn't, not thinking about anything. The alcohol has me confusing hurt for something else. I just want to forget. Stone can help me. He can temporarily wipe Grayson away from my mind.
“Do you know this song?”
He nods, dipping his head so his lips are close to my ear. “Yeah. It’s ‘Love Is Blindness’ by Jack White. You like it?”
I shiver at the touch of his cool breath on my heated skin. “I do.” And the title fits, although maybe a better one would be 'Love Is Pain'.
I close my eyes as 'Slow Down' by Selena Gomez takes over, my head falling back against his chest. His fingers lift from my waist to my upper torso. As we move together, one hand drifts upward, grazing my ribcage, and I am wrenched from him.
My eyes fly open as I stumble to keep my balance.
It happens so fast I have no time to react. Grayson is beside me and his fist is flying without any kind of warning, directly into Stone’s face. Even with the loud music, I hear a crack and a wave of blood flows from his nose. I am stunned immobile, fighting to understand what I am seeing.
“What the hell?” Stone hollers, holding his nose. Red liquid seeps from between his fingers and my stomach turns over.
I find my voice, anger spurring me on. “What are you doing?” I shriek, ineffectually trying to shove Grayson. He doesn't move; strong and steady as a wall.
“She is drunk and you are taking advantage of her,” he growls, looming over the shorter man.
Stone's eyes flash as his face twists in anger and he shoves Grayson back. “We were just dancing! Maybe you need to get back on whatever prescription you stopped taking. Wait a minute. You're the one breaking her heart? Talk about wasting feelings on someone who doesn't deserve them.”
Grayson moves for Stone again and I shout for them to stop. Garrett is pulling Grayson away and Sam has Stone. Both are directed out of the banquet room, the chaos of the moment over before it really grew. I stand on the dance floor, watching them disappear out the door. It happened so quickly that the majority of people are unaware it even occurred. But of course, Megan saw it. Our eyes meet and she turns away, a devastated look on her face. I wonder if she ever gets tired of wanting someone who doesn't want her as much as she wants him.
I leave, abruptly sober and confused and angry.
The black sky is blanketed in wispy clouds, giving it a gray cast. The cool air causes goosebumps to cover my exposed skin and I shiver, crossing my arms as I stride toward the parking lot. Tree limbs sway with a chilly breeze and a streetlamp silhouettes a lone figure. My jaw stiffens as I yank off my heels and stride for him, not caring that pebbles are scraping and digging into the soles of my feet.
Too upset to think about ramifications, I shove him from behind. “What the hell was that?”
Grayson whirls around, the expression on his face causing me to step away. It is savage, his body tightly wound. He stares at me for one heated moment. “I could ask the same thing of you,” he bites out.
All the fury and hurt I feel—the betrayal and the desolation that is slowly draining me—all of it combines and I shake with the absolution of it. “Why would you do that?” I scream, flinging my hands in the air. “He didn't do anything wrong and you just punched him? You had no right to do that. We were just dancing. What were you thinking?”
“I was thinking he had his hands on you!” he shouts back, rage twisting his
features.
“So what? Lots of guys have had their hands on me!”
He flinches like I just slapped him.
“It's none of your business. We are not an item. We are nothing. I can do whatever the hell I want.” We are nothing because you made it this way.
“No,” he bites out, “you can't. You are still mine. You will always be mine. We will never be nothing and you know it.” The words are coolly spoken, but burn with conviction.
“Oh, really? And what about Megan? What are you doing? You can't have it both ways. I am done. I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore, Grayson.” It kills me to say it. I literally feel my heart clench in pain from the words I am yelling at him.
“Why?” is torn from him, ragged and quiet. “I thought things were good between us. I thought we were going to be okay. I want—need—us to be okay.”
“Are you delusional? You just ignored me for over an hour because your ex-girlfriend showed up. Plus...I was just told...you're having a baby with the woman you supposedly broke up with almost a month ago, so I guess she isn't your ex-girlfriend anymore. And I guess that makes me—us—nothing,” I gasp out, pain slicing me at saying the words out loud.
“I was trying to figure things out!”
“Figure what out?” I yell just as loudly back.
“All of this! This fucked up situation, and believe me, it is seriously fucked up. She showed up out of nowhere, told me something I am having a hard time accepting, and then she wouldn't leave. Okay? I didn't want to cause a scene. I know we need to talk. We really need to talk. I don't know what to say. I am just...I don't know. I'm...scared.”
Angry Grayson I can deal with, but this vulnerable, helpless Grayson I don't know how to respond to. He looks so lost and my heart hurts for him.
“What are you going to do? Are you going to try to make things work with her because of the baby?”
His face turns to stone. He remains silent. And as the seconds tick away, I have my answer. Broken, I begin to walk away. An icy layer of numbness encases me and I am thankful for it.