by Lindy Zart
“Don't walk away, Lily.”
I pause at the pleading tone in Grayson's voice, my eyelids sliding shut against the power he has over me. It doesn't matter. I will walk away. I was wrong—he isn't mine. I try to expand my lungs and can't; my arm going across my stomach as I lean over in an attempt to contain the pain. It doesn't work. The ache just keeps building and building.
I head for my car with his voice following me. “I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't know what to say. I've just...been trying to digest it. But...she says she's pregnant and she says the baby is mine. She's supposed to be on birth control, but I should have taken steps too.” His voice is dead. Grayson sounds like all the life has been leeched from him and there is nothing left.
“She said she just found out and that's why she came. She forgot about the wedding, supposedly. It could be possible that the baby is mine. I can't—I can't just walk away from her, but I also can't be without you. I'm...I'm...I don't know.” Grayson exhales loudly. “Just...you've walked away enough. So have I. Don't walk away. Not this time, not now. I want...I want you to know...I have to tell you...I still love you. I have always loved you. And I need you right now. Please don't walk away this time. Stay.” The words are quiet, spoken in a rush, and eloquent in a way only Grayson can make them.
I keep my back to him; listening, hurting.
“I don't know what to do. I'm lost. And the only thing I want is you. You're all that is keeping me sane. I'm sorry I kept my distance earlier. I'm slightly—okay, more than slightly—freaking out about this. I just got you back. We haven't even talked about us and now there's this to deal with. I don't know what to do. But I don't want to lose you. I didn't want to cause a scene at the reception, but then I guess I did anyway. I'm sorry.”
I slowly face him, studying the man staring back at me, his expression defenseless and destroyed. His close-cropped hair is tinged black from the cover of night, his features sharp. Grayson's body is slightly hunched, as if to protect him from my inevitable reaction.
“Just...don't say anything. Okay? Just listen. There are things I need to tell you; things I should have told you a long time ago. We've wasted so much time...” He swallows, looking away as he tells me, “Every song is for you. The good ones, the bad ones—they are all for you. You are in my thoughts the moment I wake each day, you are in my dreams at night. You are everything I have ever wanted. I've even looked for your imperfections in other women. Even that made me feel closer to you. Any piece of you I could get, I would take, even if it wasn't real.”
He takes a step toward me.
“I've done a lot I'm not proud of. I've done a lot maybe you wouldn't be able to accept, if you knew. I've tried to remove your from my heart. I've slept with women just to be able to tell myself I couldn't go back to this, that I could never have you again. I've hated myself. There were days I couldn't even stand my own presence. I've told myself you don't love me, that you never loved me. And maybe I don't deserve you. I've told myself I don't deserve you. I've told myself all kinds of things, but...but I can never quite make myself believe them.
“I'm done lying. I'm done pretending. I can't do it anymore.” Grayson stops when he is close enough to thwart all my defenses with a single look from his blue eyes. “So this is me telling you the truth, finally. I have never stopped loving you. Please don't give up on me, on us. I'll fix this. Somehow I'll fix this.”
“Shut up,” I whisper brokenly, hot tears spilling down my cheeks. “There is no fixing this. I love you, Grayson, but I can't do this. If the baby is yours...I can't be with you.”
Am I telling the truth? Do I really believe my own words? I don't know. Right now, yes, yes, I believe them. Anguish contorts his features and then his eyes dim; all of him dims. His expression turns shuttered. It kills me that he feels like he has to hide his emotions from me, but I cannot undo this and neither can he.
He may say all of this, and he may decide to be with her anyway. If she is really having his baby, and chances are she is, there will always be a part of Grayson that will want to be with her, if only for their child. There is no way he will allow his baby to grow up feeling unloved or like one parent doesn't care enough. For him, not being with the mother of his baby would tell his child that. He will want to give his child every happiness he felt was not his to have, and who am I to stand between that? Maybe it is selfish of me, but I can't let my heart take the chance of getting trampled on again.
Grayson always does what he thinks is right, Megan mocks from the recesses of my mind.
He slowly approaches with wariness set in his features. “Why? Why would you say that? I can't stand the thought of you with anyone else. I don't want to be with anyone else. I want you. Always you. Whatever happens with this baby, that won't change.”
“It will.” I dash a hand across my damp cheeks. “You may say that now, but you'll want to do what's best for the baby. You will choose your child's happiness over your own and I don't blame you. But I can't stand around waiting for it to happen, wondering when the day will come that you decide you need to be with your baby's mother for your baby's sake.”
“You aren't listening,” he says angrily. “I don't want to be with a woman I don't love—baby or not. That's how I grew up, Lily, and I don't want that for my baby, if it even is my baby. I'll love the baby if it's mine; of course I will, but I won't live with a woman I don't love. That would be wrong, for the baby and for me. That's not the kind of life I want to give my child.”
“I have to go.” I cannot hope for the truth of his words. I just don't have it within me any longer. I need to go home...and think. I slowly turn away.
“You always say I do what I think is right,” he says, urgency in his voice. “Well, I don't. I told myself not to kiss you that first time years ago. I told myself we couldn't be more than friends. I told myself the right thing to do was to stay away from you. And in the end, it didn't matter, because whether it was right or wrong; whether I should have stayed away or not—I couldn't. It always comes back to you and me needing you, and I do. I need you.” His words are piercing. Each one is fatal with its depth and wounds me in an irrevocable way.
“So that's it? You're just going to give up, throw what we have, what we could have, away? Just like before?” he calls after me in a scorching tone. “Maybe I pushed you away at first, but you pushed me away at the end. And here you are, doing it again! How can you do this?”
I don't answer. What am I doing? I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. Don't leave him, a voice tells me. Show him your love has no limits.
Suddenly he is grabbing my arm and spinning me around. “Don't...do this.”
I see everything when I glance at his face. I see the rawness of his emotions. I see the helplessness and the hope. I push at his hands, turning away from him. I need to find my car and I need to leave. I search the dark for a vehicle that resembles mine. Why are you leaving him? My brain is so conflicted and crazed that I can't remember where I parked. I don't know. I start walking and hope it is in the right direction.
A vice around my forearm halts me and I'm yanked back and whirled around hard enough that I slam into his chest. He wordlessly glares down at me; the heat of his gaze studying my face and scalding my skin where it lingers. “You don't get...to push me away this time. I am not going anywhere. Unless you can tell me, right now, that you don't love me, we are not done. We will never be done, Lily, not until you stop loving me, and I don't think that's possible. I don't think you have the capacity within you to not love me. Because I know I don't. Tell me,” he commands, his eyes searching mine in the dark.
Emotion consumes me and makes it impossible for me to speak.
“Tell me you don't love me and I'll let you go. I'll leave tomorrow. I'll try to stay away. I can't promise I will, but I promise I'll try. Tell me,” he demands harshly, his fingers digging into the flesh of my arms.
“I love you,” I tell him brokenly. “I can't tell you I don't, because I do. I lo
ve you, Grayson. I love you no matter what and for always.”
“You mean that?”
I swallow thickly. “I do.”
His expression clears and his eyes drill into mine. “It's never going to be over, not for us. The rest of it doesn't matter, not right now. You and me are what matters and I am not letting you go. Fight for us, Lily. Always fight for us. Promise. Do you promise?”
I nod woodenly.
“Say it.”
“I promise.”
“Tell me you love me again,” he whispers, reaching for me.
“I love you.” I blink and tears drop to my cheeks.
Grayson presses his body to mine, moving me backward until I am against a car. His lips brand me as his. His hands are everywhere on me, touching me like this will be the last time. I've missed this, ached for this, was going out of my head without this, even though it hasn't been that long since we last touched. It is never enough. When he touches me, it is hard to explain—I can't breathe right, my pulse is erratic, and I feel sick, but I can't get enough. I need this. It doesn't make sense and it might be unhealthy, but I feel worshiped at the same time I am worshiping.
I am addicted to Grayson Lee—one of my undeniable truths.
I unabashedly let his hands rove over me, wanting them everywhere, wanting them always. My fingers tug at his shorn locks and grip his hard back muscles, feeling them constrict and flex beneath my touch. I can't let him go. I know this. I won't let him go. I will fight for him, even when I no longer should. I don't know if that makes me weak or strong.
His fingers dig into my hips, lifting me up so that we better fit together and my legs wrap around him, locking him to me. I feel like I am finally breathing again even though I am gasping for air. I am alive. When his lower body molds to mine, I can't contain the sound of pleasure that forms.
“Lily,” he rasps against my throat. “I need you so bad. Want you.” He moves against me and I am lost. “Need you.” Grayson's breaths are short, fast. “Love you.”
His lips sear my neck and my head falls back. He kisses the place above my heart, his mouth lingering there. And then Grayson's body goes still. I feel him tremble within my arms and his head drops to my lap, his arms wrapping around my waist. The passion has turned to something else, something more.
He goes to his knees as I slide down the car to stand on legs that shake, holding me, hugging me. I stroke his soft hair, the side of his face pressed into my stomach, his arms vice-like and unmoving. He holds me like he will never let me go. Tenderness flows through me, calming my heart rate and filling me with wonder.
His head tips back so he can see me; his eyes shining despite the darkness around us. “I have to know, either way...do you still love me more than chocolate?” Grayson's voice is raw, deep. A sweet smile curves his lips, though his eyes are serious.
I laugh and it turns into a sob. “Always more than chocolate.”
Getting to his feet, he presses his forehead to mine, threading our fingers together. “I'm not letting you go again. Not ever,” he vows, and his mouth, hot and demanding, finds my lips once more. He nips my lower lip, then kisses the sting away.
I feel dizzy and overwhelmed. I can't have this taken away, not again. Hot tears well in my eyes and slide down my face, becoming a part of our kiss.
“Don't cry,” he murmurs against my lips, wiping the tears from my face.
“Grayson?” The name is a question on her lips, and just like that, my world is shattered once more.
He stiffens, raising his head, but not relinquishing his hold on me. It almost seems like he is trying to shelter me from her. “What do you want, Megan?” he asks, his tone biting, but also worn.
I gently push him away and he reluctantly lets me go, remaining by my side. Her eyes find mine as she approaches us. In them I see something close to hatred, but also fear. She touches her abdomen and it is like a slap to the face.
“I want to know why you are out here with her and not inside with me.”
“Because I love her. And I broke up with you. You shouldn't even be here, regardless of whatever is happening,” he says coldly.
Megan's footsteps falter underneath the glow of a streetlamp. She looks like a heartbroken angel; shimmery and sad. “We're having a baby.”
“Maybe.”
“You said you would do the right thing, Grayson,” she says quietly.
“And I will—for the baby. If the baby is mine.” He straightens. “You told Lily it was mine before we've even had testing done?” The anger in his voice is barely controlled.
Her gaze flickers to me and away as she swallows. “Of course it's yours. You said you would take care of us. You said you would do the right thing. I didn't know it was a secret. I thought she should know.”
“That was my place to tell her, not yours.”
I shift uncomfortably. “I think I should go. This is personal.”
Grayson puts out a hand when I try to leave. “No. This involves you. Anything that involves me involves you. I want you to stay. We're going to settle this now so everyone knows what's going on.” He turns to Megan. Even in profile, his expression is hard. “I want to know why you went out of your way to hurt Lily, to make her think you and I are back together when we so obviously are not.”
I think she is going to scream by the way her faces scrunches up, but instead she begins to cry, which is by far worse. I actually feel sorry for her. She tried to destroy me and take my happiness away and I feel sympathy for her. I lower my gaze from the sorrow on her face.
“I'm sorry, Grayson. I just...I love you so much. I would do anything to be with you. She had you and she let you go. She had her chance. I would never do that. I would never let you go.”
“You're right. She did let me go. She did it for me. You would keep me, even if you knew I shouldn't be with you. That is the glaringly large difference between the two of you.”
I blink, surprised to hear Grayson acknowledge what I did in a positive way to someone else. I always had so much guilt over it that I forgot why I did it. I did it for him.
She takes a step toward us, her voice pleading. “I want us to have this baby together. I want it so bad, I guess I made myself believe it would happen. Please don't hate me. I shouldn't have told her that. I thought it would make her go away. I hoped.” She wipes the dampness from her face.
“Megan,” he says with a sigh, rubbing the back of his neck. “I ended it a while ago. I'm sorry, but...I love Lily. It's always been Lily. I think you've known that. And trying to cause problems between us isn't going to help things. I broke up with you over a month ago, and...I never should have dated you for as long as I did. It wasn't fair to you. It wasn't right. I didn't feel for you what you did for me and it was cruel of me to give you hope for something that could never be. It wasn't intentional, but I still regret that.”
“Don't say that,” she cries “Don't say you regret what we had. Grayson. I love you.” She weeps into her hands, going to her knees on the hard ground.
I avert my face, my lips trembling from keeping my own tears inside. I cannot witness this. I feel her pain. I have lived her pain. I know exactly what she is feeling, even though the circumstances are different. She lost him. Maybe he'd never loved her like she loves him, but she loves him with her whole being and now it is breaking her to not be with him. This feeling I know.
“Go,” I tell him.
He frowns. “What?”
“Go.” I shove his arm. “I'll call you later.”
Grayson studies my face. “I'm not leaving you here.”
“Look what you've done!” I point at Megan's broken form. “You being here isn't doing any good right now. So just...go.” He continues to stare at me. “What do you think she is going to do, throw her heels at me? I'll be fine. I know what I'm doing.”
He finally leaves, looking disturbingly unhappy and angry about it. I turn to Megan's weeping figure, slowly walking toward her. I touch the crown of her hair once, letting m
y hand fall away as I kneel beside her. The ground is cold and rough against my bare knees. The music from the wedding reception is faint and unintelligible and it seems like a different world from where we are just outside the building.
“You make it really hard to hate you when you're so understanding, and trust me, I've tried,” she says in a voice raspy from crying so much, her head still lowered.
“You too.”
Her laughter is short and brittle. “Because I'm so pathetic, right?”
I look at her hunched form. “Well, telling me what you did was a little desperate, especially trying to make me believe you two were going to get back together when there was no evidence of that.”
She looks up with her tear-stained face and stares at me.
I shrug. “It was. But I understand why you did it. I don't agree with it and I would never personally do something so duplicitous, but I understand why you did it.” I take a steadying breath. “You love Grayson. When you love someone so much, you do things you wouldn't normally do. At least, I would hope you wouldn't normally do something like this. And I know Grayson didn't mean to or want to hurt you. At some point, he probably even hoped it would work out.”
Her mouth quivers. “I pushed him to come back here,” she whispers. “That's how stupid I am. I thought it would be good for him to see his parents and the town he grew up in. I also thought it would prove to me he really was over you. Joke's on me, I guess.”
“But a part of you must have thought it might show that he wasn't over me, otherwise you wouldn't have felt the need to prove it. And you wanted to know. If you are truly honest with yourself, you'll realize this would have killed you eventually—being with a man who wished he wanted to be with you, but really wanted to be with someone else.”
“Maybe.”
“Are you really pregnant?”
Megan's head bows. She slowly nods.
I put a hand to my heart at the pain that forms and grows. “Is it Grayson's?”