Awaken My Heart

by Maria K. Alexander

  “Then we can talk.”

  Ashley licked her lips and shot a nervous glance at the stairs. “Let’s go into the living room.”

  Yeah, something was definitely off, and it was time to figure out what.

  Nick followed her, noticing the rigid set of her back. She stood facing the picture window, giving him a perfect view of her slender figure.

  He rested his hands on her shoulders. “What’s wrong?”

  She stiffened. “Nothing.”

  “Then prove it.”

  He spun her and crushed his mouth to hers, yanking her hard against his chest. She didn’t react at first, but then she opened her mouth and returned his kiss, slipping her hands around his waist.

  He broke away to trail soft kisses down her neck, feeling her shiver.

  She put her hands on his chest and pushed. “Stop. We can’t do this. Sean could come down at any moment.”

  “Let him. It’s time we told him about us.”

  She took a step back. “No. We can’t.”

  He furrowed his brow. “Why not?”

  “What if he isn’t ready?”

  “Why wouldn’t he want to see his parents together?”

  What had her so freaked?

  “Maybe I’m not ready.”

  “You seemed ready the other night. What’s changed?”

  “This is all happening too soon.”

  “Okay, we’ll go slower, then.” He captured her hands and caught them between their chests. “I think we have a shot at something special.”

  She pulled her hands free from his grasp and walked to the window, her back facing him.

  He moved behind her, keeping his voice level even though he wanted to yell. “Does this have anything to do with last night and my job?”

  She shook her head. “It has nothing to do with your job.”

  “Then it’s me.”

  Ashley straightened her shoulders and turned around. “Is yesterday the way it will always be?”

  “I’m not following you.”

  “You fawning over Franny and more concerned about her reaction to Gina being kidnapped than telling me Sean got stabbed.”

  “He didn’t get stabbed,” Nick countered.

  “Don’t make this about semantics, dammit. He got fifteen stitches. It should have been the first thing you told me, only you were more worried about Franny.”

  Nick rubbed his neck. “I know how she gets and was trying to head off a meltdown…for Gina’s sake.”

  “So I get penalized because I’m not a drama queen like her?”

  “You’re level-headed, and I knew you could handle the news about Sean,” Nick said.

  She shook her head. “Yeah, good ol’ dependable Ashley. Always left behind because she’s too afraid to speak up.”

  “You’re the one who left the hospital without saying goodbye.”

  “Because you were busy holding Franny.”

  Nick bit back his annoyance. “I was offering support so she didn’t get hysterical while Gina gave her statement.”

  “Well, how chivalrous of you. Meanwhile, I took our son home and tried not to fall apart when he told me what happened. Do you know he woke up twice during the night from bad dreams? I finally fell asleep in the chair in his room so he wouldn’t be alone,” Ashley said.

  Hell.

  “Why didn’t you call me? I would have come over,” Nick said.

  “Because I don’t want to have to ask for your help, Nick. I want you to know where you need to be and which family you need to be with.”

  “That isn’t always going to be possible. I can’t be two places at once.”

  “I understand, but where does Sean fall on your list of priorities?”

  Nick knew where his priorities lay and thought he did an okay job at finding the balance. Damn her for twisting things around.

  “What did you want me to do? Let Franny and Gina take a cab home?”

  “You could have asked if I minded. You made it seem as though you’d stop by if you got the chance, like Sean was a mere afterthought,” Ashley said.

  “That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry if that’s what you thought.” Nick dragged a hand down his face.

  She wrapped her arms around her middle. “Things happened fast between us…perhaps too fast. Maybe we need a little space to be sure of what we each want.”

  “I know what I want, Ashley. You and Sean,” Nick said.

  “It’s too soon.”

  A week ago, Nick would have agreed with her. Then, he wondered if his feelings had to do with Ashley being Sean’s mother or for the incredible sex. But those were all the tip of the iceberg.

  It was time to lay all his cards on the table.

  “It’s not. I’m falling in love with you, Ashley.”

  Her eyes flashed to his. “You can’t know that yet.”

  “I can…I do.” He cupped her chin. “I want to wake each morning with you in my arms. I want to teach Sean how to play ball and do things together—the three of us. I want to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas and all the holidays together as a family.”

  There was the quick hitch in her breath before she swallowed hard. “What about Gina and Joey?”

  “We wouldn’t be the first blended family. We’re working through it, right? I think things will be better between Gina and Sean now. And if not, we’ll figure it out.”

  “That’s a lot of expectation. I’m not sure I’m can commit to all that.”

  “With me.”

  “With anyone.”

  “That’s bull.”

  She pressed her lips together. “I need time, Nick. I’m sorry.” Without another glance, she turned and ran out of the room.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Ashley jumped at the knock on her bedroom door. Glancing at the clock, she saw two hours had passed since she’d come upstairs. She must have fallen asleep after she had a good cry.

  What did that mean, anyway? How was crying ever good?

  There was another knock. “Open up, sweetheart. It’s me,” her father said.

  She swung her feet off the bed and wiped at her face even though the tears were long gone. She unlocked and opened the door.

  “We need to talk.”

  “I’m not in the mood for conversation, Daddy.”

  Her father pushed open the door. “Well, get in the mood.”

  “Where’s Sean?”

  “Nick asked if he could take him to lunch and a movie.”

  “Oh, okay.” Relieved, she plopped back on the bed, pulling a pillow up to her chest.

  “I heard parts of your conversation with Nick.”

  Mortified, she buried her head in the pillow. “Did Sean hear?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  Her father sat on the bed next to her. “What’s going on?”

  “I don’t know that things can work with Nick.”

  “It seems as though things have been working just fine. What’s changed?”

  “His other kids—hell, even his ex-wife—comes first, and I won’t accept sloppy seconds.”

  “I’m sure at times he’ll need to put Gina and Joey first, but there will be other times he’ll do the same for you and Sean,” her father said.

  “That’s just it, Daddy. I don’t know that he will.” She brushed at the strands of hair that had come loose while she slept and hung in her face. “Then there’s his family. They’re all wonderful. They can cook and know the right things to say and do. And I’m…I’m…”

  “You’re what?”

  “I’m the girl who got pregnant and kept Sean from them.”

  Her father turned to face her. “Nick’s family is all those wonderful things, but you are not just the girl who got pregnant. Whether you realize it or not, you fit in with them.”

  Ashley snorted.

  “You’re not as loud and boisterous and not as skilled in the kitchen, but you’ve been accepted into their family. You’re one of them now.”

  She wanted
to believe him but was afraid of getting hurt if she let them in too much.

  “For how long? What happens when Sean goes to college?”

  “You’ll be connected to them through Sean. And based on what I heard Nick say today, you could be connected through him as well.”

  Ashley’s heart pounded. Nick had said he was falling in love with her.

  And she pushed him away.

  Without a doubt, she was an idiot.

  “It’s too soon to be talking about feelings and love,” Ashley said.

  “Says who? I’ve only known Carole a few months, and I know she’s the one.”

  Ashley sucked in a breath. “Does she feel the same way?”

  His smile lit up his face in a way Ashley hadn’t seen in a long time.

  “She does. I wanted to wait for a better time to tell you. We’re getting married Thanksgiving weekend.”

  “Oh, Daddy.” Her eyes filled with tears.

  “I hope you’ll be happy for me…for us.”

  She launched herself into his arms, the way she had done when she was a young girl and awoke from a nightmare. “I am happy for you. No one deserves it more than you.”

  He stroked her hair. “You do, sweetheart. You deserve all the happiness life has to offer and more.” Pulling back, he tipped her head up. “Your mother hurt you, but you can’t keep going through life standing on the sidelines, afraid to make your own life.”

  “I don’t.”

  “You do, and we both know it. You don’t allow yourself to get close to people because you’re afraid they’ll leave you. Life is about taking chances. Opening your heart to love is a risk worth taking. The benefits of it working out more than outweigh the cons.”

  “But—”

  “There are no buts. You can’t overanalyze love. We all have flaws and every relationship has ups and downs. When two people are meant to be together, they can overcome all the downs by cherishing the ups.”

  The logical side of her brain knew her father was right. It was the emotional side she needed to convince now.

  “Do you love him?”

  The mystery question she asked herself a few hundred times since Nick said those words to her hours ago. She loved being with him and certainly making love with him. But love?

  “How do I know?” Ashley asked.

  “Where do you see yourself in five, ten, or even twenty years? Can you see yourself still with him when Sean gets married and is on his own? How would you feel if Nick married someone else?”

  The thought of Nick with someone else hurt. It was part of why she’d never contacted him. Knowing he’d forged another life with another woman was like being left by her mother, which didn’t make sense because she and Nick hadn’t been in a relationship.

  “I get what you’re saying, Daddy. I need to think about it.”

  Her father pressed a kiss to her temple. “Don’t take too long, sweetheart. He won’t wait forever.”

  ****

  Nick leaned against the doorjamb of his parents’ family room, half in, half out, which precisely defined how his mind was engaged on the day’s events. His entire family was squeezed into the room, the only room with a TV—a forty-two-inch flat-screen his siblings and he had chipped in on and gotten their parents a couple years ago for Christmas.

  Around him, everyone cheered as the Eagles scored a touchdown, giving them a three point lead over the Cowboys, but he couldn’t do more than lift one corner of his mouth up in a half-hearted smile. Thankfully, with so many people and noise, he could fade into the background and into the thoughts that had kept him up most of the night.

  Thoughts of Ashley.

  The sound of everyone rising jostled Nick from his thoughts.

  Halftime.

  Nick stepped aside to avoid being trampled by those hurrying to get to the snacks his mother was sure to have set out.

  Vinnie was one of the last to leave the room. “You want a beer?”

  Nick shook his head. “No, I’m good.”

  “You could’ve fooled me,” Vinnie said.

  “It’s been a rough few days,” Nick said.

  “Gina seems fine. How’s Sean?”

  “He’s dealing with the stitches and frustrated he can’t play softball for a few weeks. By the time he can, it may be too cold to play,” Nick said.

  “We can go to the indoor batting cages after he heals,” Vinnie said.

  “He’d like that.”

  “What’s up with you and Ashley? I thought you were tight.”

  Nick had thought so, too.

  “I’m not sure what we are,” Nick said.

  “Women can sure as hell be confusing, right?”

  Nick snorted. “You know it, man.”

  “I do,” Vinnie said and sighed. “If you love her, don’t let her go without a fight.”

  Nick got the sense Vin was talking about more than his relationship with Ashley.

  “Did you fight for Angela?” Nick asked.

  Pain crept into Vinnie’s eyes. “I did, and I lost. But that doesn’t mean you will.”

  The thought of losing Ashley, again, made Nick’s stomach clench. He couldn’t imagine his life without her.

  “From your lips to God’s ears, bro.”

  ****

  Ashley popped another piece of brownie into her mouth. Whoever said dessert wasn’t a breakfast item was an idiot.

  “We’re going to get sick from all the crap we’ve eaten since last night,” Patty said, re-filling Ashley’s coffee cup.

  “These are totally worth it.”

  Before she could reach for more, Patty yanked the plate away and placed a bowl of fruit in front of her.

  Ashley grimaced and chose a grape. “Spoilsport.”

  “I’m trying to be the voice of reason.”

  “Reason is overrated.”

  “Who are you, because the Ashley I know would never say that.”

  “That Ashley is gone. Possibly forever.”

  “Has this new-and-hopefully-improved Ashley figured out what she wants?”

  Last night, after another crying bout which led to Thai take-out, wine, and brownies, Ashley had spent the evening and most of the morning pondering exactly that.

  Yet she still was uncertain about how to handle the situation with Nick.

  She thumped her head on the table. “No more than I did last night. But I need to do something.”

  “Maybe you need to let your mind relax and focus on something else for a while,” Patty suggested.

  “Such as what? I can’t eat any more,” Ashley said.

  Patty smiled widely and held up a finger. “I have an idea. Be right back.”

  Ashley pulled her T-shirt out of the elastic waistband of her pajama pants and saw two food stains. She was a mess.

  She smacked her hands on the table and rose. No more feeling sorry for herself.

  There was a handsome and sexy man who loved her, and she was crying over it.

  What was wrong with her?

  Ashley released the clip that held up her hair and shook out the long, blonde tresses as they fell limply to her waist. Her mom had long hair, and Ashley remembered always wanting to grow it long like hers.

  In fact, Ashley had never wanted to change anything even in their old house in case her mom returned home.

  The silly mind of a girl.

  Only she wasn’t a girl any longer. She didn’t need to live up to the imaginary expectations of a mother who didn’t care enough to stay in her life. Not when she had her dad, a man who’d held her when she got sick and convinced her not to give away the baby when she got pregnant.

  Then there was a best friend like Patty who opened her home to a hysterical friend.

  And Sean. He was the best of both her and Nick. The two of them created this child, and she couldn’t have asked for a more perfect son if she tried.

  Last but certainly not least was Nick. He was able to look beyond her betrayal and offer forgiveness. Despite the odds, he fell i
n love with her.

  The girl with the broken heart…

  Who dreamed of a family with two parents…

  And love.

  Exactly what Nick and she could give to Sean.

  Together.

  She straightened and brushed away the tears. “That’s it.”

  Patty returned doing a little dance. “I had to beg, but my sister got us appointments at the spa where she works.” She paused and took in Ashley’s tear-streaked face. “Oh, sweetie. It will get better. I promise.”

  “It is better, don’t you see?”

  Patty shook her head. “Not following.”

  “It’s about my recurring dream.”

  “What about it?”

  “I’ve always thought I was the child, but I’m not. Sean is. And the parents are me and Nick. It’s the three of us who are a family.”

  “Please tell me this means what I think it means.”

  “I need to find Nick, but there’s something I need to do first. Can your sister arrange for a salon appointment instead?”

  “I’ll ask and if she can’t, we’ll find one that will. What do you have in mind?”

  “It’s time to make some changes.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Nick followed Vinnie toward the kitchen where everyone was filling their plates with snacks. On the way, Gina ducked out and surprised him with a hug.

  “Hey, peanut. What was that for?”

  She shrugged. “Just because.”

  Nick took her hand and tugged her into the living room, where there was a chance they could get a little privacy. “Works for me. Everything okay at home?”

  “It’s better, I suppose.” She’d wound her mop of curls into a messy bun, somewhat similar to the way Ashley wore hers. “I told Mom I don’t want to take dance anymore.”

  Nick arched an eyebrow. “How’d she take it?”

  Gina grimaced. “Not well. She said I could give up ballet but wanted me to keep up the jazz and hip-hop classes. I told her I didn’t want to do any of it.”

  “I’m proud of you for standing up to her. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.”

  “There was a lot of tears and yelling.”

  Nick could imagine.

  “I told her I’d continue until the Nutcracker performance was over, since we’re in the middle of rehearsals and I’m Clara.”

  “That sounds reasonable. Maybe you do have a little of me in you.” He gave her a playful nudge on the shoulder.